New beginnings

There is no doubt about it: Andrew Strauss' decision to take the match off, to balance out the withdrawal of Ricky Ponting, is a champion's gesture - but it now looks unwise, as Eoin Morgan comes to the crease with the score at 103-4.

He is little. As he walks past Mitchell Johnson towards the crease, the Australian thinks the Irishman is there to be pushed over by a barage of bouncers. For his part, Morgan is calm; there are 45,000 Australians pushing for either him, or his partner Ian Bell, to fail, but that doesn't really matter to him.

He knows Ben Hilfenhaus will try to exploit his perceived weakness outside off-stump. The Australian approaches the crease, his goatee beard glistening with Tasmanian sweat. He pushes the ball down the pitch, seam first; a fraction outside off-stump. Hilfenhaus has just started getting reverse swing and the ball might swing in; what should the diminutive Irishman do. He could defend - perhaps risking edging the ball to slip? Or defend - and risk losing his off-peg?

But before proceeding further, Morgan represents the truism that Hilfenhaus is a poor man's Paul Collingwood. He shuffles down the pitch, turning the ball into a half-volley, and clouts the ball over cover point to the boundary. He's away.

-----

After receiving a nod from Ponting, who has been guiding the Australian fielding display from the boundary, Michael Clarke throws the ball to Michael Beer. Not before time: against Australia's five fast bowlers, Bell and Morgan have got away and England are on 225 for 3.

Beer skips in. As his arm comes over, Bell wonders whether he should show the Australian some respect. But, the temptation proves too great to resist, and clouts Beer's first ball in test cricket straight into the Victor Trumper stand.

The ball eventually comes back to Beer. Xavier Doherty had warned him about the England batsmen. He knew it would not be easy. He skips in again, and tosses the ball slightly higher into the Sydney air. The ball lands, and spins off a puff of dust on a good length. This time, Bell is caught amidships. Neither forward, nor backwards, neither here, nor there. But this time, the ball is too good, and passes the outside edge of Bell's bat. No harm done to the England innings, but Beer has won a moral victory and proved himself a test match bowler to be reckoned with. Not Derek Underwood. Not Monty Panesar. But at least not Xavier Doherty either.

-----

Usman Khawaja asks Aleem Dar for his guard. England are on top: Phil Hughes has just been caught at fly-slip, in the first over of the Australia's reply to England's 412 all out.

"Come on boys," urges Paul Collingwood, acting as honorary captain on his final test match appearance, "he's probably better than Usman Afzaal, so let's give him the best we've got."

James Anderson's feet seem to bounce off the SCG's turf as he runs up to bowl. Then the leap; then the ball comes down. The ball is on a length, threatening the timbers and the outside edge. But in an instant Khawaja shows that he will be the one who balances the force, to guide Australia into the third golden age of Test Match Cricket. The left-handed rookie eases forward, and laconically shows the ball its path through the covers to the boundary. Back in the Sky Sports studio, the Nasser Hussain and Ian Botham chatter about the young man's bravado, but David Gower quietly smiles; it takes one to know one.

-----

In the end, Australia subside around Khawaja and are forced to follow on. They fare little better second time round, and in a result which has started to lose meaning by the time it is achieved, England defeat Australia by an innings and 43 runs. The ground is empty, but for a few thousand England supporters, as Andrew Strauss holds aloft the ceremonial replica of the urn.

At exactly that moment, an eighteen month old boy in South West London can't get to sleep. In his parents' living room, he finds his miniature cricket ball. Slightly intrigued, he picks up the ball, gripping the ball across the seam, in his index finger, second finger and thumb. He throws the ball away, but as he releases the ball England's greatest ever spin bowler rotates his wrist - just ever so slightly. He giggles, as he sees the ball bounce strangely off the carpet.

The Sound of Silence (2)

With Mark Nicholas' microphone thrust under his nose, Ricky Ponting explains that Mitchell Johnson is not playing, because this is match number four in the series, and four is an even number.

And so it is that having won the toss and decided to bat, Andrew Strauss and his opening partner Alistair Cook do not have to face the speedy left-armer on the first morning at the MCG. But even without Johnson, Australia's opening attack is fast, aggressive and splendid. It is something of a surprise, and certainly to the Englishmen's credit, that they are able to get to lunch without losing a wicket. Particularly impressive, given that they didn't know that the MCG authorities had introduced the new "Insult-a-Pom" facility, whereby Australian fans are allowed to express their opinions about the England batsmen over the MCG tannoy between overs, in return for a charitable donation of Aus$1,000 per swearword. By lunchtime, Insult-a-Pom has raised Aus$116,000, and Andrew Strauss (unbeaten on 56*) has been called a "Pommie C**t" 43 times.

After a cluster of wickets between lunchtime and tea looks to destabilise England, Ian Bell joins Paul Collingwood at the crease with the score on 196 for 4. It's a crucial time for England, and it is to the great fortune of England that Bell does not edge any of the balls he initially receives from the impressive Ryan Harris. It's attritional out there, as the horribly out-of-touch Collingwood plays edgily to the Australian medium-pacers. But by the close, he's still there, and when play ends prematurely due to bad light, England have recovered to 256-4. Bell is on 74* and has been called a "ginger c**t" 38 times; Collingwood is on 54* and has been called a "ginger c**t" 45 times.

Everyone is putting a brave face on it, but it is clear that the England team is shaken by the torrent of abuse they have received all day. But Andy Flower has a trick up his sleeve. He introduces Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy as England's new specialist sledging coach, and when on the second morning Bell starts reciting passages from Romeo and Juliet in response to Siddle calling him a "ginger c**t", Ponting pleads with him to stop. Eventually, an agreement is brokered between Ponting and Strauss: the match will be played in complete silence. Sledging has stopped.

It is a wonderful relief, but one which pays dividends for the Australians as they concentrate on bowling, rather than using unpleasant language. Bell is quickly dismissed, and England subside. Thank goodness for Collingwood's swashbuckling hitting at the end with the tail-enders. He's last out for 116 as England finally reach 372 all out.

Australia respond pretty well. Steven Finn's replacement, Tim Bresnan, bowls steadily, but is unable to oust Ponting, who refinds his form to reach a hundred. At the other end, it takes some excellent bowling from Chris Tremlett to remove Philip Hughes, then Shane Watson, then Michael Clarke. With Graeme Swann snaring the dangerous Michael Hussey, then the somewhat less dangerous Steve Smith, the match is evenly poised with the score on 249 for 6 at the close of play. Ritchie Benaud remarks on the improvement in the quality of the cricket, as the players are able to focus on their own games.

The third day is also closely, and more importantly politely, contested; in the first over James Anderson uproots Brad Haddin's off-stump, and having made that breakthrough England are able to rub away much of the Australian tail, as they subside to 272 for 9. But Siddle and Beer enjoy an annoying last wicket 50 run partnership, and the Australians are able to reach 333 all out, just ten minutes before lunch. So England hold a 39 runs lead; not a match winning advantage, but a "nice to have".

The pitch is at its very best on the afternoon of day three. England capitalise. The Australians bowl excellently, with a consistent line and length, but by trusting in the pitch the England openers are able to manoeuvre the ball into the gaps. Both are dismissed by Siddle, who has discovered that when he thinks about his cricket he actually isn't that bad, but Jonathan Trott proves the perfect counterfoil to Kevin Pietersen's imaginative, yet respectful, strokeplay. When Pietersen reaches his hundred, Ponting can't help but congratulate him. Trott shapes to give him an effeminate hug, more out of habit than inclination, but thinks better of it and just shakes Pietersen firmly by the hand. Anyway, England are now in charge of the game, on 260-2. That is precisely 299 ahead.

The fourth day is, especially unfortunately given the quality of the teams' behaviour, lost to rain.

So when should England declare? Bat the Australians into a draw? No, sir. In a sporting gesture, Strauss declares overnight. 300 to win. 3 sessions. That's 100 per session.

Australia get off to a good start, with Hughes playing well to hit a quick 50 in that swash-buckling style that he has. But Tremlett makes one rise, and Hughes is only able to guide the delivery into Anderson's hands at fly-slip. Two balls later, Ponting is caught by a flying Collingwood at third slip, in what is described by Benaud as "a splendid effort". But England have no further successes before lunch, and Australia are slightly ahead of the game at 112-2.

After lunch, the sun beats down unforgivingly on England. Strauss tosses the ball to Graeme Swann. His first over is a splendid one. He bowls two dot balls to an uncertain Shane Watson, before floating one up over the David Beckham lookalikes eye line. So uncertain, about when the ball will land. So heavy, with his foot movement. And so the ball lands, spitting off the pitch, then ricochets off Watson's gloves into Cook's hands at silly point. Then Clarke is bowled through the gate, the very next ball. The crowd waits for Michael Hussey in hushed silence. But whereas Hussey has saved the downundermen before, he fails this time: the ball bounces out of the rough, clips the outside edge of his bat and flies to Collingwood at slip.

Smith and Haddin follow quickly, and in the twinkling of an eye the Australians have fallen to 150-7. Can they meekly limp to a draw? They can't. Two overs after tea, Beer pushes forward uncertainly to Anderson, and the ball flies to Captain Strauss to slip.

The Ashes are retained, but the series is not yet won.

-----

It is the morning after England have won. Andy Flower is relaxing on the balcony of his hotel room, when his mobile rings.

"This is Bond, James Bond, from MI6 in London. We've received an intelligence report from Special Agent Hurley. You might remember we tasked her with monitoring Shane Warne's movements. Well, Warne has told her he's planning a comeback. You'd better be ready for him at the SCG."

Alice's match

Ricky Ponting wins the toss, and after the Australian team have introduced themselves to each other, it is young Philip Hughes' turn in the firing line. The England selectors have selected Chris Tremlett as Stuart Broad's replacement, but he has to wait in the queue behind James Anderson and Steven Finn to complete an excellent new ball spell, which accounts for both Hughes and Shane Watson. Ponting and Michael Clarke do well to see the Australians safely to lunch, however, at exactly 100-2.

Tremlett is given the first over after lunch. He is relaxed now. He pushes the ball into the hard pitch, just short of the length. Clarke prods forward; but the ball bounces and deviates off the seam. The ball flies to Graeme Swann at slip.

The following ninety minutes will be remembered as one of the most splendid ninety minutes in English Test cricket. In his following over, Tremlett uproots Ponting's off-stump, as the Australian unwisely leaves an in-swinger; then the tall Hampshire bowler makes the ball dance off a length, to kiss Michael Hussey's gloves on its journey to Swann at slip. Suddenly, Australia are in disarray again. And characteristically, they wilt under a hot grill of high quality England fast bowling. I won't spoil the surprise for you; suffice to say that just before tea, Australia are 143 all out (Tremlett 8-37).

Against that background, one would have thought that Alastair Cook would be entirely at ease as he opens England's response. But that is not so: it is only a few minutes since he had received an awful shock. He had opened his kit-bag, only to find a live Koala Bear - hidden there by Michael Clarke, in a characteristically coarse attempt to disturb the England opener's mental preparations. After five minutes which would not have been out of place in Laurel and Hardy, Paul Collingwood had caught the beast, and the England team had christened the animal Alice. But Cook is a decent man and, oh God! - he had heard Merv Hughes and Mike Gatting discussing whether they could barbecue her. England security supremo Reg Dickinson had assured Cook that he would look after her, but as waits for Mitchell Johnson, he cannot help but be concerned about Alice's well-being.

Johnson is approaching the crease now; but as he enters his delivery stride, Alice's friendly looking face jumps into Cook's mind. Cook pulls away, forcing Johnson to abandon the ball. Cook is in trouble, in turmoil. His head tells him England must comes first, but in his heart he is only thinking about Alice. He is not sure he can continue batting, but then something happens which will change the face of Ashes' cricket forever: the Channel Nine cameras zoom in on Alice, safely perched on England analyst Gemma Broad's lap, cheerfully tucking into a carrot. Cook sees this on the big screen and is immediately reassured. He knows that Alice is safe, and it's no surprise when in the last over before the close of play, he clips Beer through the mid-wicket to reach his third hundred of the series. As he returns to the dressing room to cuddle a delighted Alice, England have long surpassed Australia's score and are on 190-2.

England have a splendid second day of the Test Match. It had become clear the previous day that Beer was an awful bowler, but nevertheless Ponting persists with him againsgt Kevin Pietersen. It is Pietersen's pleasure, as he plays an exhibitionist innings full of flair, pleasure and destruction, eventually getting stumped on 212 trying to break the world record for the biggest six. England end the day on 434 for 6 (Pietersen 212, Cook 111).

They might well have scored more, but the day is, in fact, brought to a premature close by an unexpected tropical storm which strikes Perth. The storm continues: and day three is, unfortunately, lost to rain. It is horrible weather. After lunch, Ponting takes Strauss to one side. The Australian suggests that the match should be abandoned, so that the Barmy Army members waiting patiently in the stands can get into the dry. But Strauss is having none of it. He explains that many England supporters are from the North, where it often rains and it is almost always cold. They are hardy souls. But with the weather worsening, he agrees after that the teams and their supporters should return to their respective hotels. Alice is hugely relieved to return to the Hotel Splendid. She is very frightened by the lightning, particularly when a thunderbolt hits the pavilion and causes Ricky Ponting's name to explode on the electronic scoreboard.

The weather is formidable overnight, and whilst the sunshine has returned by the morning, play is impossible on day four as the groundsmen clear up the mess.

At 10:30 on the morning of the fifth day, Umpire Taufel declares that the pitch is playable. Strauss immediately declares, leaving the Australians trying to bat out the final day to secure a draw. Hughes fails again, but this time Ponting is more successful, playing Tremlett with the talent that has guided him through his immense Test Match career. He and Michael Clarke are able to guide Australia to 104-2. Surely it'll be a draw?

But the match is thrown into turmoil for the Australians once again, just after lunch. Clarke is a superb player of spin, but Swann is able to bowl him through the gate, in a triumph for the former Northamptonshire twirler. Hussey fails again, edging Swann to slip, and suddenly Ponting finds himself batting with Brad Haddin. Haddin is able to keep Ponting company, but just before tea he falls lbw to a ball that keeps low from Tremlett. The scoring is slow, but surely Australia can't lose from 210 for 5 at tea?

The tensionometer edges a little higher, though, as Steve Smith is dismissed after tea - six down now - but Johnson and Ponting are able to bat out a further fifteen overs. They also push ahead the scoring rate. The match is almost up, then, as Anderson and Finn take the second new ball. It does the trick: Johnson simply misses a swinging full-toss from Anderson and is out lbw, and Beer proves he is no better with bat than ball, as he edges the following ball to Anderson to Strauss at slip. When Peter Siddle is bowled by Steven Finn, the Australians know they are in trouble: there are seven overs left, with England just having one wicket to claim. But Ponting is at the other end, hitting out in order to try to make England bat again.

One over to go now. One wicket to get. James Anderson bowling. Australia three runs behind: England will not have time to bat again, so if Ponting can hit a boundary, the match will be drawn. Anderson runs in, and bowls an in-swinger. The ball clips the inside of the bat, and narrowly misses the leg-stump. Finn is charging round the boundary to stop the ball from going for four, but it is too far for him. Surely the ball will go for four, and the match will be drawn?

But what is this? Alice has escaped from the England dressing room, and has run onto the outfield. She is eating her way through one of the many apples which the Australian supporters have thrown at Ian Bell, when the ball strikes her on the backside. The ball stops dead, just inside the boundary rope. Finn hurls the ball back to Matthew Prior, who whips the bails off to run out Ponting, who is celebrating at the other end of the pitch.

The umpires consult, and ask the third umpire to check that Alice's tail was not touching the boundary room when the ball hit her. Eventually, it is concluded that the ball has not gone for four, and England have won by an innings and two runs. Alice runs to her master, Alastair Cook. Her bottom is quite sore, but England's new heroine feels much better for a cuddle.

Decisions, decisions

Mark Nicholas on Channel 9 asks Ricky Ponting whether he wants to bat or bowl, after winning the toss.

He's is in pensive mood. It has only been two days since he had appeared on Australia's genealogy television show Who do you think you are, mate?, and they had revealed the truth about his great-great-great grandfather. Not Captain Cook, as his mother had always told him, but a criminal shipped out from Tilbury after being convicted of illegal gambling. It had been a blow.

After a quick glance at the pitch, with glades of grass as green as Greendale, he errs on the side of boldness and decides to bat.

-------

Five minutes after lunch, on the second day. Australia batted well, but were dismissed for 363 by an impressive English bowling attack, just before the close of the first day's play. Now, the pitch is drying out and England have batted well. Ian Bell, promoted to open in Alastair Cook's absence, has batted fluently for his 76. Strauss is looking calm at the non-striker's end, and England are well placed on 105-0.

The plan agreed at lunchtime had been to open with the seam bowlers - but Xavier Doherty had bowled well in the nets before start of play, dismissing Ponting himself three times. So on a hunch, no more than that, Ponting pulls off Ryan Harris and throws the ball to Doherty.

Doherty limbers up, pitching the ball into the Adelaide sunshine, with a flick of the fingers to give the ball a burst of electric spin. Bell's eyes narrow a little. A moment grabs him. The temptation grabs him. He moves out of his crease, raising his bat like a knight at Agencourt, ready to chop down a Frenchman. The ball pitches. The ball turns. Bell swings widly at it. Bell misses it. Haddin fumbles the ball, and the stumping chance is gone, like a handful of dust blown away in the Autumn breeze.

Ponting knows he is in trouble, through little or no fault of his own.

-------

It's crisis time for Australia as Ponting comes to the crease for the second time: this time just before tea on the third day, in response to England's enormous 517-1 (Bell 332*, Strauss 140).

He is tired: emotionally and physically the Ashes are already taking their toll on him. Cricket is all he cares about; but this is not going well. Simon Katich has just been caught by Strauss at slip, and from the television footage available to the Australians in their dressing room he already knows that Stuart Broad is bowling with pace, bounce and aggression. Ponting knows he is vulnerable, and knows that if he is dismissed, Australia may collapse.

Broad bounds in, with that long face, so poignant to Australians who suffered at his father's hands in the '86-'87 series. Approaching the wicket now, leaping into that long delivery stride. Ponting pushes forward, but there is a click as the ball catches the shoulder of the bat. Is this the end for Ponting and Australia? Ponting flicks his neck round to see the path of the ball. And he lives to fight another day: the ball passes high over the slips' head, as Broad stomps his feet like an angry donkey.

-------

Monty is thrown the ball by Strauss, but he is dog tired. It's just after tea on the fourth day, now, but with only six wickets down and with rain predicted for the fifth day, a draw now looks a likely outcome. Ponting's superb 186 stood in England's way for most of the day, and now Brad Haddin and Doug Bollinger have blocked out the three lions for over half an hour. Is there anything Monty can do?

He is unsure of what to do; and having dropped that catch off Graeme Swann's bowling to give Ponting a reprieve on 21, he is feeling the pressure. The Australian supporters jeer his every move, and he knows this should be his time. The big opportunity: unexpectedly called up because of Cook's illness just before the start of the test, and now failing to deliver.

But Kevin Pietersen can see the spinner is looking down, and decides to get behind him, in an unusual sense of the phrase. He grabs the spinner's backside in order to gee him up. The crowd laugh as Panesar jumps. But his shock at his teammate's over-familiarity is sufficient to break the vortex: and somehow, somehow, he lets go, forgetting his nightmare, forgetting the "coaching", forgetting the criticism. He decides to let the ball talk for him, and produces the best bowling display of his life.

-------

The match has gone now. England have won by eight wickets. The crowds have gone, and the Australian team are packing their bags.

In a quiet corner of the dressing room, Ponting is drinking a can of Castlemaine XXXX, because that is what Australians do. He's exhausted now, there is no more. He asks himself whether he should accept the suggestion made by The Adelaide Times that he should away the captaincy to Shane Warne.

Decisions, decisions.



(PS. NWS would like to apologise for the late delivery of this prediction. To explain, it is simply because NWS got confused about when this test match was starting. Easy mistake to make.)

Australia is a foreign country; they do things differently there

"Good God," remarks Alistair Cook to Andrew Strauss as they walk out to bat in the Woolloongabba sunshine. The two batsman look at the Australian team's haircuts, agog. Short at the front. Short at the side. Short on top. Long at the back.

"We're all taking part in 'Muvember'," explains Ricky Ponting, "the idea is that ordinarily sensible Australians grow mullets for charity in the month of November. Would you like to sponsor me?"

"Er, no thanks" replies Strauss.

He takes Cook to one side, and tells him not to be taken in by the Australians' duplicitous attempts to put them off with their Wham! barnets. But the England batsmen react in different ways, and whilst Cook retreats into "the zone", as the Sky commentators puzzlingly describe it, Strauss is visibly upset. It's not long before he snicks a lifting delivery from Doug Bollinger to Michael Clarke at slip.

That brings Jonathan Trott to the crease. He bats steadily until the teams pause briefly to eat lunch, over Neighbours. Inspired by the happy news that Scott and Charlene have got back together, Cook resumes after lunch with gusto, expressing himself against the latest Australian spin sensation, Xavier Doherty. At the other end. Trott bats steadily until tea. Cook is eventually stumped on 113, shortly after tea, but Trott bats steadily after tea to reach his own hundred. At stumps, the tired Australians are forced to applaud Trott and Kevin Pietersen as England close on 357 for 2.

The next day is a bleak one for Australian cricket. Trott bats steadily, but Pietersen demonstrates that Doherty is no better than Steve Smith, Jason Krejza, Nathan Hauritz, Beau Casson, Bryce McGain and Brad Hogg. There are possibly others who I can't remember that he's no better than; that's how bad it's got. Anyway, Pietersen retires on 332, out of respect for Graham Gooch's 333, but England declare at the close of play on 727 for 7.

The third day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

So England have two days to bowl the Australians out twice; can it be done? Ricky Ponting is having none of it. He settles in, playing splendidly against the excellent England quicks. Even Graeme Swann and surprise selection Monty Panesar are unable to disturb him. He bats and bats, but at the other end, wickets fall at regular intervals. Still, at close of play, with the score on 404 for 4 (Ponting 202*), a draw does seem likely.

So it is a relatively sparse crowd which turns up on the final day. By 11:30, Australia have reached 453 without any further loss. Finally, though, Ponting pads up to a straight one from Panesar. He is out lbw, but more significantly, and to the astonishment of the English media, he declares, still 274 runs behind. As Ponting walks off the field, a confused Mark Nicholas asks him why he has declared behind the follow-on total.

"Well mate, the Pommies got 727, and if you take 200 off that the follow-on target must be 427...oh hang on...oh no..." Ponting says, scratching his head. Shane Warne, who is visiting the Australian dressing room, has his head in his hands as Strauss duly enforces the follow-on.

The result is that England have 82 overs to bowl out the Australians again. Stuart Broad makes early inroads, uprooting Simon Katich's leg-stump, and trapping Ponting leg before wicket the following ball. Right spirited cricket lovers, of whatever nationality, can only feel sad for the diminuitive Australian, who cuts a sad figure as he leaves the field. But the Australian supporters don't see it quite that way and chant "You're extraordinarily stupid" as he walks off.

The England bowlers are also unforgiving too, and continue to progress against the somewhat downhearted Australian batsmen during the course of the day. By tea-time, with 42 overs remaining to be bowled, the Australians are in a bad position at 198 for 8.

But the Australian is a tough character, and Mitchell Johnson and Bollinger are fighting a battle for their captain and country. On a dying pitch, Panesar and Swann bowl splendidly, but the Australian southpaws stand their ground. Only with 12 overs to go does Swann finally get Bollinger to glove a frustrated bouncer to Paul Collingwood at slip.

That just leaves the injured Ben Hilfenhaus to bat out the last 12 overs. But oh no - what is this? He has runner - Ricky Ponting, wanting to do the right thing for his country.

What, Richie Benaud asks his viewers, could possibly go wrong?


PS. (Please see Benaud's post-match reaction to Ponting's premature declaration in the box to the right, courtesy of youtube. Interestingly, he made some very similar comments when Trevor Chappell bowled his underarm ball to Bruce McKechnie at the MCG in 1981. How history repeats itself.)

And in the naked light I saw ten thousand people maybe more

Andrew Strauss, resplendent in a blue blazer, lobs a smart one pound coin into the late summer sky.

"Heads," speculates Salman Butt. The sun bends round a tuft of cloud, and flickers off the sterling as it dances through the London air. Down it comes, and Mike Atherton peers down. He thinks he can sees the queen's portrait and asks Salman what he wants to do. But Salman looks down at the coin slightly quizzically.

"I want to ask my friend Andrew here what he wants to do - you're mistaken, Athers, it's tails" he honestly responds.

Somewhat taken aback, Strauss graciously thanks Salman for his honesty, and says that he will bat. A few moments later, Strauss makes the welcome announcement that England are ditching their fibreglass fabric topic and are reverting to traditional woollen jumpers. This produces a standing ovation from the entiry of the busy Lords crowd.

With steely eyes under a steely coloured sky, the England captain faces up to Mohamed Asif's big swinging fast-dobbers a few moments later. It's difficult to avoid perceiving all that is good about cricket, as Asif bounds in, bowls a splendid in-swinger to the left hander, but is met with a polite forward defensive.

And in that mould, the morning rolls on. Asif and Amir bowl well, but with considerable skill and good old fashioned British pluck, the English openers keep them out. And whilst Amir is finally able to conjure up a slower ball which snares Alistair Cook after lunch, the elegant Jonathan Trott is able to keep Strauss company throughout the afternoon. After Strauss reaches his century, shortly after tea, he splendidly removes his helmet to salute the Lords crowd. Like a Roman gladiator towering over a bloody lion, he stands in the Autumn sun accepting the crowd's adulation, his mighty sword of truth (that's his bat) in one hand and his shield (the helmet) in his other. "Isn't he splendid?", whisper a number of females in the crowd, so quietly that their jealous husbands miss their words.

Trott is bowled by a nicely flighted doosra from Saeed Ajmal. Indeed, so impressed is he by Ajmal's delivery, that Trott graciously shakes Ajmal's hand as he leaves the pitch. But incoming batsman Kevin Pietersen has the mastery of the Pakistani spin bowling, and uses his feet in a virtuoso display in the late evening sun. Thwack! Clump! Boof! By the time he walks past those rickety old park benches in front of the pavilion at the close of play, he has reached his fifty and England look well in control at 366-2.

Friday is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

This is much to the disappointment of the many females who have thronged to the Lords ticket office, in the hope of catching just another glimpse of Captain Strauss and his loyal lieutenant, Pietersen. Disappointed, the females instead congregate at St. John's Wood Recreation Ground, which may even exist, for a public meeting. Unanimously, they resolve to form the "Female England Cricket Supporters Association". What a compelling sport cricket is.

Happily for FECSA's inaugural members, Saturday is a brighter day and play starts on time. There is talk that England may play for a draw, but Captain "Marvel" Strauss is having none of it. He is determined to round off the England summer, such as it has been, with a victory. And in that spirit, he and Pietersen accelerate their strokeplay. Skillful though the Pakistani bowling is, they cannot do anything about the England batting, and it must be a relief to them when Strauss finally declares at 500-2 (Strauss 258*, Pietersen 126*) in order to get the game moving. James Anderson and Stuart Broad bowl an excellent opening spell, but Imran Farhat and Salman are able to keep them out with a combination of good fortune and deft strokeplay. The cricket is a joy to watch. But it becomes nirvanal when Graeme Swann is tossed the ball, and starts to bowl. It is difficult to describe how splendid his bowling is; suffice instead to say that it is no surprise to anyone when the Chairman of the Arts Council announces in the tea break that finger spin is to be recognised as a form of artistic expression. Not before time.

Meanwhile, over at White Hart Lane, the half-time tea break is disturbed by a strange occurrence. After 45 minutes of excess from twenty-two adults behaving like children, one supporter speaks to his friend, above the crowd's defining chants. He asks what his friend can hear. At first, his friend looks puzzled, but after a moment's thought he says:

"The sound of silence"

Without saying a further word, both men collect their coats and leave the ground. Then, other supporters follow them. Soon, the entire crowd has filed out, and marches towards Lords. Desperate for intelligent sport. Hungry for an education. They know it's time to watch some cricket. Not all of them can squeeze into Lords, and some think that £60 is a bit steep, but the disappointed thousands watch in awe as a club match unfolds at the St. John's Wood Recreation Ground. Up and down the country, similar scenes unfold as football grounds empty and cricket grounds fill.

Back at Lords, Swann has unwound the fabric of the Pakistan innings and when they are finally all out for 222, Strauss asks them to follow on. By the close, Anderson has dismissed Farhat and Butt, and Pakistan are sitting precariously on 22-2.

Sunday is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

That leaves the question of whether Pakistan can bat out Monday. They make a gallant effort - but will it be enough? It's hard not to admire their resolve, as the England quick bowlers pound away on an increasingly unreliable pitch. Mohamed Yousuf hits an excellent hundred, and when he is dismissed before tea, England think that victory is within their grasp. But Kamran Akmal holds them up, with an annoying fifty.

In the end, it comes down to the last over of the day. Pakistan are nine down, but they are on 276. There will not be time for England to bat, so if Pakistan can score three runs, the match will be drawn. Swann is bowling, and he floats a ball up to Akmal. He chips the ball through mid-wicket. Akmal and his batting partner Asif scamper one. Akmal turns, and sprints back. Is there time for a third? Substitute fielder Alex Wakely fires the ball in from deep mid-wicket, and the ball clips the stumps as Akmal tries to make his ground. Onfield umpire Tony Hill refers the matter to third umpire.

The players turn to the big screen. Suddenly, the background to the screen flashes red: "OUT". But Kamran Akmal is happy enough: after all, he completed two runs, and was only run out attempting a third, so he thinks the match must have been tied with the scores level. But oh no: what is this? Third umpire Daryll Harper has radio'd out a message to Umpire Hill. Replays have shown that Akmal did not touch his bat in on his first run, and sure enough, Hill taps his right shoulder to signal one short...

...so what is the result?

The Secret Diary of Kevin Pietersen, aged 30 and a quarter

Monday 16th August

Been ringing round the counties following Andy Flower's announcement that I have to be join a county. He didn't specifically say that Minor Counties was out of the question, but I'd better play it safe. Middlesex seem to be interested, but to be honest, I'd rather go to Northamptonshire. It seems to be the hotbed for young cricketing talent, although they don't have quite as many South Africans as they used to, which could be a disadvantage.

Tuesday 17th August

Build up to the Oval Test Match. I have to stay at the team hotel at Kennington, which seems a bit silly when I live in Chelsea, but Andy says I have to go there to build up the team spirit.

Training at the ground was BRILLIANT. We did nets as usual, and I wasn't batting at all well, but then Andy had a brain wave. He set up Merlyn to bowl as Ashley Giles, so I could practice range hitting. It did me the world of good and now I am hitting it cleanly again. Can't wait to get going in the Test.

Wednesday 18th August - The Third Test Match, Day One


I'm in big trouble with Andy and Andy. I woke up and forgot the match was starting today - and, in fairness, who has ever heard of a test match starting on Wednesday? - and I just thought that today was another build up day. So I only arrived at the ground at 10:50. Luckily, Andy realised I was stupid, had worked out what was going on, and left me on the team sheet.

Anyway, it was a good day for England. Aren't they all nowadays? Andy won the toss, decided we would bat on a lovely strip against lovely bowling. Unfortunately, Cookie was out for a duck - bit of a worry, his form - and Trotty didn't fare much better. When I got to the crease at 11:32 it wasn't looking great. I wasn't feeling great, either, especially after my run-in with Andy, but then I thought back to my time against Merlyn yesterday. I felt much better, and started hitting Mohamed Asif about a bit. Talking about Asif - what is going on with that guy's hair? Anyway, it came off, and by the time I was out for 158 after tea, trying to see if I could hit the ball into the face of Big Ben, England were looking pretty good at 345 for 4. By close Colly had got to his century, and England closed on 389 for 5.

Thursday 19th August - The Third Test Match, Day Two


It was my turn to drive Graeme Swann to the ground today, and I think my good form may have rubbed off on him. He certainly bowled well after Andy declared on 602-9. Firstly, he got Farhat out padding up. Then, our "fish's bottom" sledge to Salman Butt finally paid off - he charged down the wicket, cried "Geronimo", took a wild swing and got himself stumped. I'd call him an idiot, but let's face it, who am I to talk? Anyway, the rest of the Pakistani batting line up rolled over like a pack of cards. What is it that the French say: plus ca change? Unfortunately, I'm not clever enough to put the cedilla under the "c" in "ca", but you get the idea.

Mohamed Yousuf batted pretty well in the evening session. I feel it may well have been the beads he wove into that magnificent beard of his. If only Andy would let me grow my beard back.

Friday 20th August - The Third Test Match, Day Three


Another good day. I LOVE playing for England!

Andy made them follow on after we eventually bowled them out for 324 - with that man Yousuf scoring a hundred. Second time round, they looked a bit demoralised and had subsided to 104-5. Credit is mainly due to Stuart Broad. When he gets his run-up right, his bowling is a joy to behold: his action has expert timing, he bowls as fast as lightning and, fielding behind the stumps, it can be a little bit frightening.

There was one embarrassing moment just after lunch - wee Jimmy was bowling like the wind, and Shoaib Malik played at the ball. Behind the stumps, I could swear we all heard a click as the ball passed the bat, and sure enough my drinking buddy Simon Taufel stuck his finger up. But Malik reviewed it, and remarkably, Hot Spot showed that the noise we all heard was Alistair Cook breaking wind at silly point.

Saturday 21st August - The Third Test Match, Day Four


We JUST got this wrapped up in time for my big night out on Saturday with Swanny and the boys. Kamran Akmal, playing as a specialist batsman, scored a big hundred and forced us to bat again. We needed to score 89 off 12 overs before close of play. Luckily, Cookie was as keen as I was for a night at "El Splendidos" in Chelsea, and hit out at the Pakistani bowlers. I think it was just what he needed, and he scored an undefeated 54. He looked dead pleased when he was walking back to the pavilion. Anyway, it was a GREAT win for the boys, and I was pleased to win the Man of the Match.

On another note, I had the strangest dream last night. It was the year 2030, and as Chairman of Selectors I was picking the squad for the Ashes Test Match at Lords. We offered a debut to a young left arm spinner who had been doing well at Northamptonshire. The only thing I can remember about him is that his initials were HJBS, and Jessica said he was good looking. I wish for the life of me that I could remember the kid's name.