"Well then, Sachin, why are you here today?"
"I had an argument with MS Dhoni the other day, and I feel I need to tell somebody about it."
"That's not why you're here, is it?"
"No. I'd better tell you. It was the fifth day, in the second test at Mumbai. The fourth day was lost to rain, and even after the infant scored a quickfire hundred for England, we were only set 132 to win in two sessions. Viru and Ghambir managed to see off Anderson and Meaker, and Swann too. But then he came...he came..."
"Who came, Sachin?"
"No; I can't talk about it. It's too painful, even after three years."
"It's OK, Sachin, you can talk about it. You are in a safe place here. But you have to tell me or he will never go away...now tell me...who took 10-12 to bowl England to an extraordinary victory?"
"You know. The bearded one who can't bat or field."
"Tell me, Sachin. Tell me now, or you will never be free."
"Monty. Yes, it was Monty Panesar."
"Well done, Sachin."
Thursday 22 November 2012
Tuesday 13 November 2012
That'll be £50,000, please
Redder than a Martian landscape, the Ahmedabad pitch looks back up at Alistair Cook. The red dust flying from the pitch looks like curry powder, ready to confound the bowels of an England batsman in the fourth innings. Sensibly, the Essex man decides to bat, and it is therefore the case that a few moments later he walks out to bat with Nick Compton, who has sensibly decided to remove his goatee beard, following advice from Kevin Pietersen that it looks good.
Compton is facing up to to Zaheer Khan, who is bowling his regulatory six overs before injuring his hamstring. Compton's first ball in test cricket sears past the off-stump, past the Somerset man's forward prod. He is shaken, but is shaken more still when a moment later there is a booming voice from the sky:
"Nick, it's Grandpa Denis up in heaven. When you're facing the new ball, and you get one rising outside off stump, just let the ball go - you'll only nick it to slip otherwise."
As Geoffrey Boycott in the TMS commentary box assures viewers that this is good advice from Compton senior, Compton junior composes himself. But he finds a new certainty, and sees off the remainder of Khan's spell. And it proves to be the Indian spinners who have short-comings; R Ashwin and Yuvraj Singh both regularly leak one boundary an over. It is no great surprise when the England openers return for some lunch, with the score on 109-0 (Compton 51*, Cook 51*).
The remainder of the day follows relatively calmly, with no further interventions from Compton senior's spirit: and it is a testiment to Compton junior's batting that no further guidance is needed. A test cricketer in his own right now, Nick Compton bats in a splendid manner, deadeningly seeing off Sachin Tendulkar's medium-dobbers, and Virender Sehwag's nonsense. Following Cook's skied pull to mid-on, Kevin Pietersen comes and goes to Yuvraj, but Compton stays. He is 168 not out at close of play, with England looking well placed on 368-5.
Compton eventually falls the next day for 199, but Graeme Swann and nightwatchman Monty Panesar are able to craft the score past 500. It later transpires that they had a wager, agreeing that the first to pass 50 runs is to be recognised the greatest Northamptonshire spinner of all time. Apart from Anil Kumble and Bishen Bedi. Eventually, England are all out for 555, in the mid-afternoon.
Graeme Onions, surprisingly preferred to James Anderson, seems to thrive in the heat. He belies the flat surface, pitching the ball full, as first Gautan Ghambir and then Virender Sehwag are dismissed leg before wicket. Even Tendulkar is dismissed leg before wicket, missing a ball that does not turn from an elated Panesar. By tea-time, India are 35-5. By close of play, they are 87-6.
The following morning sees some stout resistance from Dhoni and the beligerant Ashwin, as they club the England spinners around mercilessly. But Ashwin gets carried away with himself, and dances past a ball floated up by Graeme Swann: Prior has the bails off in a moment, and that proves the mumble which starts the avalanche. India are 187 all out, with five minutes to go before lunch on the third day.
Cook discusses his options with Flower over lunch - lentil curry, with a naan bread. Both are concerned that Panesar and Swann may not be good enough to withstand Sehwag and Tendulkar in full flight. Nobody wants to see England batting on a last day pitch against spin. They are resolved to refuse the follow-on, but then Pietersen sits opposite the captain and coach.
"P!ss off Kevin, I haven't got time for you and your text messages now" moans Cook - quite unaware that Pietersen has a valid point to make.
"Excuse me, sir," responds Pietersen mildly "I just wanted to offer an opinion. I feel you should respect your spinners. For all that is said in the English press, Panesar and Swann are amongst the best of the planet - and even if they have an off-day, you still have Samit Patel and me. Surely, between the four of us, we can see off the Indians without the need to expose English frailties against spin?"
Shocked, Cook and Flower nod at each other; before Flower propelty acknowledges that Pietersen is right. They decide to require the Indians to follow on. Predictably, the Indian innings is dominated by spin, with Panesar giving Patel lessons in left-arm spin, explaining dull accuracy is the only way to bowl in India. Patel rewards his master, delivering four wickets during what remains of the third day's play. India are ill-positioned, at 280-7 at the end of the third day.
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
Inspired by the unusual weather, the Indians resist on the fifth day, and Dhoni and Zaheer dig in. When they are bowled out, with four overs to go before the close, the Indians even have a lead of 46.
Pietersen is asked to open the batting with Captain Cook - but he falls with 22 still needed off two overs, for a three lion victory. Having batted so well in the first innings, Compton is pushed out to finish the job off. Compton is taking his guard, as R Ashwin prepares to bowl. But suddenly, once again, the clouds part and the skies speak once more.
"You need to give Ashwin some humpty, grandson. Don't be deluded by the use of the initial as a he first name, or even the success in the T20 - he's cr@p."
And so it follows that England win with an over to spare. Compton has won the game for England. The question is though; which Compton?
Compton is facing up to to Zaheer Khan, who is bowling his regulatory six overs before injuring his hamstring. Compton's first ball in test cricket sears past the off-stump, past the Somerset man's forward prod. He is shaken, but is shaken more still when a moment later there is a booming voice from the sky:
"Nick, it's Grandpa Denis up in heaven. When you're facing the new ball, and you get one rising outside off stump, just let the ball go - you'll only nick it to slip otherwise."
As Geoffrey Boycott in the TMS commentary box assures viewers that this is good advice from Compton senior, Compton junior composes himself. But he finds a new certainty, and sees off the remainder of Khan's spell. And it proves to be the Indian spinners who have short-comings; R Ashwin and Yuvraj Singh both regularly leak one boundary an over. It is no great surprise when the England openers return for some lunch, with the score on 109-0 (Compton 51*, Cook 51*).
The remainder of the day follows relatively calmly, with no further interventions from Compton senior's spirit: and it is a testiment to Compton junior's batting that no further guidance is needed. A test cricketer in his own right now, Nick Compton bats in a splendid manner, deadeningly seeing off Sachin Tendulkar's medium-dobbers, and Virender Sehwag's nonsense. Following Cook's skied pull to mid-on, Kevin Pietersen comes and goes to Yuvraj, but Compton stays. He is 168 not out at close of play, with England looking well placed on 368-5.
Compton eventually falls the next day for 199, but Graeme Swann and nightwatchman Monty Panesar are able to craft the score past 500. It later transpires that they had a wager, agreeing that the first to pass 50 runs is to be recognised the greatest Northamptonshire spinner of all time. Apart from Anil Kumble and Bishen Bedi. Eventually, England are all out for 555, in the mid-afternoon.
Graeme Onions, surprisingly preferred to James Anderson, seems to thrive in the heat. He belies the flat surface, pitching the ball full, as first Gautan Ghambir and then Virender Sehwag are dismissed leg before wicket. Even Tendulkar is dismissed leg before wicket, missing a ball that does not turn from an elated Panesar. By tea-time, India are 35-5. By close of play, they are 87-6.
The following morning sees some stout resistance from Dhoni and the beligerant Ashwin, as they club the England spinners around mercilessly. But Ashwin gets carried away with himself, and dances past a ball floated up by Graeme Swann: Prior has the bails off in a moment, and that proves the mumble which starts the avalanche. India are 187 all out, with five minutes to go before lunch on the third day.
Cook discusses his options with Flower over lunch - lentil curry, with a naan bread. Both are concerned that Panesar and Swann may not be good enough to withstand Sehwag and Tendulkar in full flight. Nobody wants to see England batting on a last day pitch against spin. They are resolved to refuse the follow-on, but then Pietersen sits opposite the captain and coach.
"P!ss off Kevin, I haven't got time for you and your text messages now" moans Cook - quite unaware that Pietersen has a valid point to make.
"Excuse me, sir," responds Pietersen mildly "I just wanted to offer an opinion. I feel you should respect your spinners. For all that is said in the English press, Panesar and Swann are amongst the best of the planet - and even if they have an off-day, you still have Samit Patel and me. Surely, between the four of us, we can see off the Indians without the need to expose English frailties against spin?"
Shocked, Cook and Flower nod at each other; before Flower propelty acknowledges that Pietersen is right. They decide to require the Indians to follow on. Predictably, the Indian innings is dominated by spin, with Panesar giving Patel lessons in left-arm spin, explaining dull accuracy is the only way to bowl in India. Patel rewards his master, delivering four wickets during what remains of the third day's play. India are ill-positioned, at 280-7 at the end of the third day.
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
Inspired by the unusual weather, the Indians resist on the fifth day, and Dhoni and Zaheer dig in. When they are bowled out, with four overs to go before the close, the Indians even have a lead of 46.
Pietersen is asked to open the batting with Captain Cook - but he falls with 22 still needed off two overs, for a three lion victory. Having batted so well in the first innings, Compton is pushed out to finish the job off. Compton is taking his guard, as R Ashwin prepares to bowl. But suddenly, once again, the clouds part and the skies speak once more.
"You need to give Ashwin some humpty, grandson. Don't be deluded by the use of the initial as a he first name, or even the success in the T20 - he's cr@p."
And so it follows that England win with an over to spare. Compton has won the game for England. The question is though; which Compton?
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