"I'm in court today to petition for a hyper-injunction, your honour."
"What? There's no such thing as a hyper-injunction. What are you talking about?"
"Well all my friends have got super-injunctions and I wanted to go one better. If I can't have a hyper-injunction I'll settle for a super-injunction."
"Very well. What have you done wrong that you want to keep secret? Sleeping with a big brother contestant? What is it this time?"
"I haven't done anything wrong. I would never sleep with anyone other than my wife, because I am splendid. Nobody told me you had to do something naughty to get a super-injunction."
"Well I can't give you a super-injunction unless you've got a secret..."
"But I want one."
"Tough."
"Well if you don't give me a super-injunction, I'll get really angry, and I'll refuse to play for England ever again until I get one. Yeah."
Eady J sighs, picks up his copy of Wisden, and looks up Pietersen's average over the last two years.
"Fine. Go back to Surrey and score some runs before you start making demands of the English judiciary."
And so it is that Leicestershire's James Taylor gets an unexpected England debut.
-----
It isn't long before Taylor sees active service, as Alistair Cook edges his first ball from Dilhara Fernando to Tillakaratne Dilshan at first slip. The diminutive East Midlander leaves his first ball, and instinctively plays his second ball off his legs to the square-leg boundary. And that good start shows Taylor a vital truth: he immediately knows that he is good enough to play at this level. He and Captain Andrew Strauss play the ball well, and England are strongly placed on 106-1 at lunch.
The sun beams down on Cardiff Bay after lunch, defying those who questioned the wisdom of a test match in Wales in May. A bead of sweat lies on Ajantha Mendis' forehead, as he is tosses the ball from hand to hand before his first over. Hopping in, he loops the ball up to Taylor. The little Englishman does not know which way the ball will turn; yet he defies Mendis by sweeping the ball away. And just as Taylor knew early doors that this was his day, Mendis immediately knows it will not be his. The English openers gently tease out the runs, and after tea the England batsmen both reach their hundreds. By stumps, England are very well placed indeed with the score at 358-1.
The sun beams down on Cardiff Bay after lunch, defying those who questioned the wisdom of a test match in Wales in May. A bead of sweat lies on Ajantha Mendis' forehead, as he is tosses the ball from hand to hand before his first over. Hopping in, he loops the ball up to Taylor. The little Englishman does not know which way the ball will turn; yet he defies Mendis by sweeping the ball away. And just as Taylor knew early doors that this was his day, Mendis immediately knows it will not be his. The English openers gently tease out the runs, and after tea the England batsmen both reach their hundreds. By stumps, England are very well placed indeed with the score at 358-1.
-----
Before play on the second day, Strauss is sitting alongside England coach Andy Flower. They peer quizzically at projections on a computer screen. They are agreed: England need to hold out as long as they can, ideally batting into the third day.
Fernando bowls his heart out for Sri Lanka, extracting pace and bounce from the placid Cardiff pitch. Strauss can't get out of the way of one which reers at his face, and he is caught off his gloves for an excellent 166. But little James Taylor ploughs on. He is on 188 not out by lunch, and it is of great disappointment that he is unable to resume his innings after lunch, suffering as he is from third degree sunburn. And that's how hot it is down in Cardiff. In Taylor's absence, there is a steady decline in England's innings, and when England are eight wickets down, just before tea, Flower dispatches Eoin Morgan to buy some After Sun lotion. That is sufficient to revive Taylor, who can resume his innings when James Anderson edges to slip for a cultured 55. The plucky (but small) Leicestershire man finally reaches his double century in his maiden innings for his country. Soon after, England are all out for 632.
To their credit, Sri Lanka bat out the rest of the day and are on 52-0 at stumps.
All eleven England fielders are wearing helmets.
"You'll see" replies Strauss. And within ten overs Dilshan does see, and sees clearly. The first sign of trouble is when the sky gradually darkens. The Sri Lankans appeal to the umpires for bad light, but Billy Bowden signals to the groundsmen to turn up the floodlights. A few moments later, a lump of ash lands on a length, then another, then another. Soon, the air is thick with Icelandic ash and smoke. It is too much for Upul Tharanga, who edges Anderson to slip. Dilshan is visibly distressed as a lump of ash hits him on the helmet. But the experienced English bowlers, who have practised bowling in ash-ridden conditions, are able to take best advantage, using the smoggy conditions to obtain pronounced reverse swing. It is not long before Sri Lanka are dismissed for a paltry 111. Strauss asks the Sri Lankans to follow on - but lunch is taken.
As the players tuck in, the ash cloud passes over Cardiff, and with glorious sunshine resumed, the groundstaff are able to sweep the ash off the pitch. When the players emerge, the Sri Lankans bat splendidly, and despite the excellence of Graeme Swann's bowling, England cannot make a break-through. Indeed it is well beyond tea when Tharanga eventually plays on Stuart Broad, and Sri Lanka are on 215-2 (Dilshan 99*, Tharanga 72) at stumps. But surely they can't survive two days?
Fernando bowls his heart out for Sri Lanka, extracting pace and bounce from the placid Cardiff pitch. Strauss can't get out of the way of one which reers at his face, and he is caught off his gloves for an excellent 166. But little James Taylor ploughs on. He is on 188 not out by lunch, and it is of great disappointment that he is unable to resume his innings after lunch, suffering as he is from third degree sunburn. And that's how hot it is down in Cardiff. In Taylor's absence, there is a steady decline in England's innings, and when England are eight wickets down, just before tea, Flower dispatches Eoin Morgan to buy some After Sun lotion. That is sufficient to revive Taylor, who can resume his innings when James Anderson edges to slip for a cultured 55. The plucky (but small) Leicestershire man finally reaches his double century in his maiden innings for his country. Soon after, England are all out for 632.
To their credit, Sri Lanka bat out the rest of the day and are on 52-0 at stumps.
-----
"Right, what's going on?" asks Dilshan to Strauss at the start of the third day's play, "Is this some stupid ruse to try to put us off?"
All eleven England fielders are wearing helmets.
"You'll see" replies Strauss. And within ten overs Dilshan does see, and sees clearly. The first sign of trouble is when the sky gradually darkens. The Sri Lankans appeal to the umpires for bad light, but Billy Bowden signals to the groundsmen to turn up the floodlights. A few moments later, a lump of ash lands on a length, then another, then another. Soon, the air is thick with Icelandic ash and smoke. It is too much for Upul Tharanga, who edges Anderson to slip. Dilshan is visibly distressed as a lump of ash hits him on the helmet. But the experienced English bowlers, who have practised bowling in ash-ridden conditions, are able to take best advantage, using the smoggy conditions to obtain pronounced reverse swing. It is not long before Sri Lanka are dismissed for a paltry 111. Strauss asks the Sri Lankans to follow on - but lunch is taken.
As the players tuck in, the ash cloud passes over Cardiff, and with glorious sunshine resumed, the groundstaff are able to sweep the ash off the pitch. When the players emerge, the Sri Lankans bat splendidly, and despite the excellence of Graeme Swann's bowling, England cannot make a break-through. Indeed it is well beyond tea when Tharanga eventually plays on Stuart Broad, and Sri Lanka are on 215-2 (Dilshan 99*, Tharanga 72) at stumps. But surely they can't survive two days?
-----
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
-----
The excitement in Southern Wales on the morning of the final day is enormous. Can the ground, which served England so splendidly in 2009, assist England? Not if Dilshan can help it. He cuts and pulls the England pace bowlers with great savagery in the first hour of play; indeed it is a huge relief when Swann bowls Kumar Sangakkara through the gate in his first over at 12:05. Paul Collingwood, acting as guest substitute fielder, pouches Thilan Samaraweera the very next ball, and it seems an English victory is only a matter of time when Stuart Broad has Angelo Mathews caught at slip the following over. Farveez Maharoof is able to keep Dilshan company until lunchtime; but there is no doubt, at 314-5 with 60 overs remaining, things aren't looking good for the Tigers.
The afternoon session is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
After some enthusiastic work to dry the ground, play is able to begin at 5:03 pm. The air is damp; the sky is black. It can only be a matter of time before the Welsh rain comes down again to defy England's lions. Can they get the five remaining wickets needed to ensure a famous victory? The odds must surely be against them. Stuart Law is on the balcony, smirking at Sri Lanka's good fortune.
But through the gloom comes a shock of blonde hair. England have Stuart Broad. In his first over, he gets the ball to rise off a length. Dilshan hides away from the ball, but it follows him, and catches his glove on the way through to Matthew Prior. A good start; and in the next over, Anderson uproots Maharoof's off-stump. By 5:20 pm two more wickets have fallen, and Sri Lanka are on the brink. Then, from nowhere, a drop of rain falls. Then another. Soon, the rain is persistent. The umpires look at each other, but decide to allow play to continue until the end of Broad's over, to see if the weather improves. But England don't need the end of Broad's over. In a catastrophic mix-up, Mendis is run out the very next ball, and England have won by an innings and 123 runs. Law looks angrier than the thunder unfolding around the ground.
The afternoon session is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
After some enthusiastic work to dry the ground, play is able to begin at 5:03 pm. The air is damp; the sky is black. It can only be a matter of time before the Welsh rain comes down again to defy England's lions. Can they get the five remaining wickets needed to ensure a famous victory? The odds must surely be against them. Stuart Law is on the balcony, smirking at Sri Lanka's good fortune.
But through the gloom comes a shock of blonde hair. England have Stuart Broad. In his first over, he gets the ball to rise off a length. Dilshan hides away from the ball, but it follows him, and catches his glove on the way through to Matthew Prior. A good start; and in the next over, Anderson uproots Maharoof's off-stump. By 5:20 pm two more wickets have fallen, and Sri Lanka are on the brink. Then, from nowhere, a drop of rain falls. Then another. Soon, the rain is persistent. The umpires look at each other, but decide to allow play to continue until the end of Broad's over, to see if the weather improves. But England don't need the end of Broad's over. In a catastrophic mix-up, Mendis is run out the very next ball, and England have won by an innings and 123 runs. Law looks angrier than the thunder unfolding around the ground.
