And in the naked light I saw ten thousand people maybe more

Andrew Strauss, resplendent in a blue blazer, lobs a smart one pound coin into the late summer sky.

"Heads," speculates Salman Butt. The sun bends round a tuft of cloud, and flickers off the sterling as it dances through the London air. Down it comes, and Mike Atherton peers down. He thinks he can sees the queen's portrait and asks Salman what he wants to do. But Salman looks down at the coin slightly quizzically.

"I want to ask my friend Andrew here what he wants to do - you're mistaken, Athers, it's tails" he honestly responds.

Somewhat taken aback, Strauss graciously thanks Salman for his honesty, and says that he will bat. A few moments later, Strauss makes the welcome announcement that England are ditching their fibreglass fabric topic and are reverting to traditional woollen jumpers. This produces a standing ovation from the entiry of the busy Lords crowd.

With steely eyes under a steely coloured sky, the England captain faces up to Mohamed Asif's big swinging fast-dobbers a few moments later. It's difficult to avoid perceiving all that is good about cricket, as Asif bounds in, bowls a splendid in-swinger to the left hander, but is met with a polite forward defensive.

And in that mould, the morning rolls on. Asif and Amir bowl well, but with considerable skill and good old fashioned British pluck, the English openers keep them out. And whilst Amir is finally able to conjure up a slower ball which snares Alistair Cook after lunch, the elegant Jonathan Trott is able to keep Strauss company throughout the afternoon. After Strauss reaches his century, shortly after tea, he splendidly removes his helmet to salute the Lords crowd. Like a Roman gladiator towering over a bloody lion, he stands in the Autumn sun accepting the crowd's adulation, his mighty sword of truth (that's his bat) in one hand and his shield (the helmet) in his other. "Isn't he splendid?", whisper a number of females in the crowd, so quietly that their jealous husbands miss their words.

Trott is bowled by a nicely flighted doosra from Saeed Ajmal. Indeed, so impressed is he by Ajmal's delivery, that Trott graciously shakes Ajmal's hand as he leaves the pitch. But incoming batsman Kevin Pietersen has the mastery of the Pakistani spin bowling, and uses his feet in a virtuoso display in the late evening sun. Thwack! Clump! Boof! By the time he walks past those rickety old park benches in front of the pavilion at the close of play, he has reached his fifty and England look well in control at 366-2.

Friday is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

This is much to the disappointment of the many females who have thronged to the Lords ticket office, in the hope of catching just another glimpse of Captain Strauss and his loyal lieutenant, Pietersen. Disappointed, the females instead congregate at St. John's Wood Recreation Ground, which may even exist, for a public meeting. Unanimously, they resolve to form the "Female England Cricket Supporters Association". What a compelling sport cricket is.

Happily for FECSA's inaugural members, Saturday is a brighter day and play starts on time. There is talk that England may play for a draw, but Captain "Marvel" Strauss is having none of it. He is determined to round off the England summer, such as it has been, with a victory. And in that spirit, he and Pietersen accelerate their strokeplay. Skillful though the Pakistani bowling is, they cannot do anything about the England batting, and it must be a relief to them when Strauss finally declares at 500-2 (Strauss 258*, Pietersen 126*) in order to get the game moving. James Anderson and Stuart Broad bowl an excellent opening spell, but Imran Farhat and Salman are able to keep them out with a combination of good fortune and deft strokeplay. The cricket is a joy to watch. But it becomes nirvanal when Graeme Swann is tossed the ball, and starts to bowl. It is difficult to describe how splendid his bowling is; suffice instead to say that it is no surprise to anyone when the Chairman of the Arts Council announces in the tea break that finger spin is to be recognised as a form of artistic expression. Not before time.

Meanwhile, over at White Hart Lane, the half-time tea break is disturbed by a strange occurrence. After 45 minutes of excess from twenty-two adults behaving like children, one supporter speaks to his friend, above the crowd's defining chants. He asks what his friend can hear. At first, his friend looks puzzled, but after a moment's thought he says:

"The sound of silence"

Without saying a further word, both men collect their coats and leave the ground. Then, other supporters follow them. Soon, the entire crowd has filed out, and marches towards Lords. Desperate for intelligent sport. Hungry for an education. They know it's time to watch some cricket. Not all of them can squeeze into Lords, and some think that £60 is a bit steep, but the disappointed thousands watch in awe as a club match unfolds at the St. John's Wood Recreation Ground. Up and down the country, similar scenes unfold as football grounds empty and cricket grounds fill.

Back at Lords, Swann has unwound the fabric of the Pakistan innings and when they are finally all out for 222, Strauss asks them to follow on. By the close, Anderson has dismissed Farhat and Butt, and Pakistan are sitting precariously on 22-2.

Sunday is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

That leaves the question of whether Pakistan can bat out Monday. They make a gallant effort - but will it be enough? It's hard not to admire their resolve, as the England quick bowlers pound away on an increasingly unreliable pitch. Mohamed Yousuf hits an excellent hundred, and when he is dismissed before tea, England think that victory is within their grasp. But Kamran Akmal holds them up, with an annoying fifty.

In the end, it comes down to the last over of the day. Pakistan are nine down, but they are on 276. There will not be time for England to bat, so if Pakistan can score three runs, the match will be drawn. Swann is bowling, and he floats a ball up to Akmal. He chips the ball through mid-wicket. Akmal and his batting partner Asif scamper one. Akmal turns, and sprints back. Is there time for a third? Substitute fielder Alex Wakely fires the ball in from deep mid-wicket, and the ball clips the stumps as Akmal tries to make his ground. Onfield umpire Tony Hill refers the matter to third umpire.

The players turn to the big screen. Suddenly, the background to the screen flashes red: "OUT". But Kamran Akmal is happy enough: after all, he completed two runs, and was only run out attempting a third, so he thinks the match must have been tied with the scores level. But oh no: what is this? Third umpire Daryll Harper has radio'd out a message to Umpire Hill. Replays have shown that Akmal did not touch his bat in on his first run, and sure enough, Hill taps his right shoulder to signal one short...

...so what is the result?

The Secret Diary of Kevin Pietersen, aged 30 and a quarter

Monday 16th August

Been ringing round the counties following Andy Flower's announcement that I have to be join a county. He didn't specifically say that Minor Counties was out of the question, but I'd better play it safe. Middlesex seem to be interested, but to be honest, I'd rather go to Northamptonshire. It seems to be the hotbed for young cricketing talent, although they don't have quite as many South Africans as they used to, which could be a disadvantage.

Tuesday 17th August

Build up to the Oval Test Match. I have to stay at the team hotel at Kennington, which seems a bit silly when I live in Chelsea, but Andy says I have to go there to build up the team spirit.

Training at the ground was BRILLIANT. We did nets as usual, and I wasn't batting at all well, but then Andy had a brain wave. He set up Merlyn to bowl as Ashley Giles, so I could practice range hitting. It did me the world of good and now I am hitting it cleanly again. Can't wait to get going in the Test.

Wednesday 18th August - The Third Test Match, Day One


I'm in big trouble with Andy and Andy. I woke up and forgot the match was starting today - and, in fairness, who has ever heard of a test match starting on Wednesday? - and I just thought that today was another build up day. So I only arrived at the ground at 10:50. Luckily, Andy realised I was stupid, had worked out what was going on, and left me on the team sheet.

Anyway, it was a good day for England. Aren't they all nowadays? Andy won the toss, decided we would bat on a lovely strip against lovely bowling. Unfortunately, Cookie was out for a duck - bit of a worry, his form - and Trotty didn't fare much better. When I got to the crease at 11:32 it wasn't looking great. I wasn't feeling great, either, especially after my run-in with Andy, but then I thought back to my time against Merlyn yesterday. I felt much better, and started hitting Mohamed Asif about a bit. Talking about Asif - what is going on with that guy's hair? Anyway, it came off, and by the time I was out for 158 after tea, trying to see if I could hit the ball into the face of Big Ben, England were looking pretty good at 345 for 4. By close Colly had got to his century, and England closed on 389 for 5.

Thursday 19th August - The Third Test Match, Day Two


It was my turn to drive Graeme Swann to the ground today, and I think my good form may have rubbed off on him. He certainly bowled well after Andy declared on 602-9. Firstly, he got Farhat out padding up. Then, our "fish's bottom" sledge to Salman Butt finally paid off - he charged down the wicket, cried "Geronimo", took a wild swing and got himself stumped. I'd call him an idiot, but let's face it, who am I to talk? Anyway, the rest of the Pakistani batting line up rolled over like a pack of cards. What is it that the French say: plus ca change? Unfortunately, I'm not clever enough to put the cedilla under the "c" in "ca", but you get the idea.

Mohamed Yousuf batted pretty well in the evening session. I feel it may well have been the beads he wove into that magnificent beard of his. If only Andy would let me grow my beard back.

Friday 20th August - The Third Test Match, Day Three


Another good day. I LOVE playing for England!

Andy made them follow on after we eventually bowled them out for 324 - with that man Yousuf scoring a hundred. Second time round, they looked a bit demoralised and had subsided to 104-5. Credit is mainly due to Stuart Broad. When he gets his run-up right, his bowling is a joy to behold: his action has expert timing, he bowls as fast as lightning and, fielding behind the stumps, it can be a little bit frightening.

There was one embarrassing moment just after lunch - wee Jimmy was bowling like the wind, and Shoaib Malik played at the ball. Behind the stumps, I could swear we all heard a click as the ball passed the bat, and sure enough my drinking buddy Simon Taufel stuck his finger up. But Malik reviewed it, and remarkably, Hot Spot showed that the noise we all heard was Alistair Cook breaking wind at silly point.

Saturday 21st August - The Third Test Match, Day Four


We JUST got this wrapped up in time for my big night out on Saturday with Swanny and the boys. Kamran Akmal, playing as a specialist batsman, scored a big hundred and forced us to bat again. We needed to score 89 off 12 overs before close of play. Luckily, Cookie was as keen as I was for a night at "El Splendidos" in Chelsea, and hit out at the Pakistani bowlers. I think it was just what he needed, and he scored an undefeated 54. He looked dead pleased when he was walking back to the pavilion. Anyway, it was a GREAT win for the boys, and I was pleased to win the Man of the Match.

On another note, I had the strangest dream last night. It was the year 2030, and as Chairman of Selectors I was picking the squad for the Ashes Test Match at Lords. We offered a debut to a young left arm spinner who had been doing well at Northamptonshire. The only thing I can remember about him is that his initials were HJBS, and Jessica said he was good looking. I wish for the life of me that I could remember the kid's name.

Something of a let down

It's a bold decision of Waqar Younis to pick Mohammad Yousuf. He is stranded at the British Embassy in Islamabad, stuck in a tense diplomatic tete-a-tete, between the British ambassador and Imran Khan. After hours of negotiation, a deal is finally done: Pakistan's premier batsman is given a visa, in return for Mushtaq Ahmed agreeing to be the England spin coach for the next 25 years. Graciously, Andrew Strauss agrees that irrespective of the outcome of the toss, England will agree to bat first and Pakistan can field a substitute fielder whilst Yousuf arrives.

Back at Edgaston, Salman Butt's announces the changes to his team: Azhar Ali is replaced by Mohammad Yousuf, Danish Kaneria is replaced by little Raza Hasan, and in a surprise move, Mohammad Asif makes way for Waqar, who plays as a player-coach. As Salman explains, Waqar can still match the 75 mph achieved by Asif at Trent Bridge, and he's a better bowler.

On a pitch offering generously swing, Waqar is able to trap Alistair Cook, leg before wicket in the second over. And could this be trouble for England, as Jonathan Trott snicks Mohammad Amir to waiting gloveman Kamran Akmal? Well, it's Kevin Pietersen time, and he responds well to the challenge. Belying the silly suggestions that he might be dropped, he clubs the Pakistani seamers around the Birmingham ground, reaching his half-century before England lunch at 111-2.

Shortly after lunch, little Raza Hasan receives a boost as he is offered his first bowl in Test Cricket. His first over is, however, not a happy affair: Strauss hits three boundaries, including a towering six over mid-wicket, to take 14 off the over. And oh no - what is this? Pietersen is facing Raza's next over, and the Sky lipreadometer is able to decipher him saying to Strauss "I'm going to hit the little guy's first ball into Lincolnshire."

Nervously, Raza limbers up. One step, then two. He reaches the crease and tosses the ball up, as if making a sacrificial offering to batting lord Pietersen. The Anglo-African steps forth to give the ball the clout of its life. One step, then two. Ball meets batsman. Batsman meets ball. Pietersen takes a huge swipe...but he misses and 'stumper Akmal has him out, stumped, defeated by his own conceit.

By close, England have reached 346 for 4 (Strauss 146, Collingwood 85*).

-----

"Final call for passenger Yousuf, travelling on Flight 385 to London."

Mohammad Yousuf escapes the clutches of the journalists, and scurries to the Departure Gate. He is on course to reach Edgbaston by lunchtime on the second day. He boards the plane and finds his seat. He waits. He waits. He waits. The pilot speaks on the intercom, explaining that due to an unexpected engine fault, the plane will not be able to take off.

-----

The second day is a disheartening day for the tourists. By lunchtime, the fluency of Paul Collingwood and Eoin Morgan has ruled out any possibility of a Pakistan victory. The only question is whether the Pakistanis can save the game. England eventually declare after Morgan has shimied his way to his maiden double century. 656 is a lot of runs. Waqar may have taken 5 wickets, but after 31 overs, he's pretty tired.

The Pakistan innings gets off to a miserable start, and in a bitter replica of their performance on the previous Saturday evening, they find they have lost three wickets in only eight overs. James Anderson makes Salman look slightly foolish, but reasoning that Mohammad Yousuf will arrive overnight and will be able to bat twice, the Pakistani skipper knows there is still hope.

-----

Exhausted but relieved, Mohammad Yousuf knows he is finally on his way as his plane leaves from the Islamabad runway. However, the flight encounters unexpected wind, and is forced to divert to Cairo to refuel. When a sirocco grounds all flights out of Egypt, he has to telephone Waqar to say he won't make Edgbaston until the fourth day.

-----

The commentators ponder which Pakistan will turn up on Sunday morning: the group of richly talented players of unrivalled flair, or the slightly pathetic lot who didn't seem to try at Trent Bridge? The answer is soon clear, as the Akmal brothers tear into the England bowlers. Pakistan are 156 for 3 at lunch. Are they finally going to make a match of it?

Unfortunately, there is a calamitous loss of wickets between lunch and tea. In all, Pakistan manage to lose 12 wickets in one session, to a combination of committed swing bowling and batsmen not trying. They manage a bit better in the evening session. But only a bit. After another cluster of wickets, they are eight down, with only little Raza Hasan and the absent Mohammad Yousuf remaining. Little Raza holds out for six overs, but then pads up to a straight one from Graeme Swann. England appeal. The finger goes up. Have England won?

There is some confusion, because it is at exactly that point Edgbaston is hit by a thunderstorm and play is immediately suspended. The umpires claim that as Yousuf was not present when the wicket fell, Pakistan had completed their innings and were all out.

However, as the rain falls Pakistan sense a way out of the match. Imran Khan 'phones up from Pakistan, pleading with the umpires just to allow them until the fourth day to see if Mohammad Yousuf can somehow salvage the game.

-----

The sirocco has subsided, and Mohammad Yousuf is on his way. However, Birmingham air-traffic controllers are on strike, and unbelievably, his plane is diverted to Norwich Airport. There he has to wait four hours for a customs official to arrive from London.

-----

Unfortunately, the fourth day of the match is lost to rain.

The final day is a conundrum: will the rain relent and allow England to press for the elusive final wicket? Will Mohammad Yousuf's train get to Birmingham New Street in time?

The rain finally gives way to the sunshine at 4:00 pm, and to the doubt of the Pakistani coaching team, the umpires allow play to start at 5:30. That start time gets put back to 5:45, whilst groundsman Steve Rouse tries to find some petrol to start the roller. That suits the Pakistani team very well, because it is at 5:40 that Mohammad Yousuf walks through the dressing room door.

England have two overs to dismiss either Waqar or Mohammad Yousuf. Waqar faces Anderson, with a spring in his step. Waqar pushes forward, and chips the ball behind square. Morgan is forced to dive to his right, but he is able to clutch the ball to save it reaching the boundary. Eager to remain positive, Mohammad Yousuf calls Waqar for a single. Waqar says no, but against the painful background noise of a Pakistani vuvezela which was smuggled into the ground, Mohammad Yousuf does not hear him. Morgan flips the ball back to Anderson, who whips the bails off. Mohammand Yousuf is run out without facing a ball.