Friday 11 September 2009

NWS Review of the Ashes Series, 2010-11

With many apologies for the delay, following the successful conclusion of the 2009 Ashes series, now seems like the perfect time to pick out some of the highlights of the return "rubber" in Australia, during the 2010/2011 winter series.

1st Test Match, Brisbane

England win the match at the Gabba by fifteen runs, following the brave decision by England captain Andrew Strauss to bat first with a batting line-weakened by injury. Really, the game should have been remembered for the superb 155* hit by Northamptonshire's Alex Wakely on his debut, but the real story of this match is the introduction of Digi-Ump, the successor to Hawkeye.

Following a successful trial in a one day match between Somerset and Leicestershire, the onfield umpires have been replaced by two special HD video cameras, sitting on tripods where the umpires would ordinarily stand. The cameras record what has happened, and using special bluetooth technology they communicate with each other to calculate whether the batsman is out. As inventor Trevor Bayliss explains, Digi-Ump's main purpose is to improve accuracy in decision making, but he also hopes that Digi-Ump's pleasant female voice when calling "over" will calm down over-excitable players.

Unfortunately, that is not the effect: Peter Siddle is fined his entire match fee for attacking Digi-Ump when she turns down a vociferous appeal for LBW. The experiment is finally abandoned when Digi-Ump short circuits, after water from an unexpectedly ferocious cloudburst gets into her systems.

2nd Test Match, Adelaide

Match tied. Chasing 129 in the final innings, it looks for all the world that the Australians will reach their target: at 81-1, they must think they will win. At 110-4, surely they will win. Even at 127-7, surely an England escape is impossible. But cometh the hour, cometh Stuart Broad...

3rd Test Match, Perth

The WACA match is a fast-bowling war.

Bowling in the first innings, Mitchell Johnson starts bowling what is billed by the local media as "Revenge for Bodyline". Reaching speeds of 94 mph, he bowls leg-theory at the batting sensation of the English summer, Ravi Bopara. Johnson's leg-trap comprises the wicketkeeper standing at leg slip, one leg gully and two short-legs. On the boundary, there are two deep mid-wickets. As Australia just have two fieldsmen behind square, Umpire Bowden is powerless to no-ball Johnson. On seeing what the field being put in place, Bopara calls on the physio, who straps a pillow round his torso. He is able to wear the necessary blows, and is eventually out for a magnificent, brave, but above all sweaty 177.

The England bowlers are piqued by the Australians' conduct, and Captain Strauss is unable to calm down Saj Mahmood in particular. In a spell as furious as anything Bob Willis delivered, Mahmood bowls faster and faster, at one point hitting 97.7 mph. Concerned that he is somewhere else, Mahmood's teammates try to speak to him. But he does not hear them; instead, like a Cyberman preparing for battle, he looks vacantly into the middle distance. and continues about his business. Whenever he takes a wicket, he does not celebrate; he merely asks the umpires to bring him another Australian batsman, and walks to the back of his mark and waits. He only comes out of his fast bowling trance having taken 7-17.

Unfortunately, days four and five are lost to a heavy rainstorm, and the match finishes in a draw.

4th Test Match, Melborne

It is arguable that Bay 13 at the MCG serves a useful purpose, for without poor crowd behaviour we would not be able to recognise good behaviour. If that is the case, then after this performance it should be particularly easy to appreciate the polite clapping of the members in the next Lords Test Match.

Australia try to regain the initiative by preparing a "dust bowl" and playing four spinners. Unfortunately, the strategy does not work, as one of the elected spinners is Nathan Hauritz and another is Beau Casson; they are unable to contribute a single wicket between them. Nevertheless, the surfeit of tweak does inspire England batsman Kevin Pietersen to bring out his unique double-sided cricket bat. He explains that it is intended to facilitate his switch-hit, and indeed, he thwacks Casson into the crowd with his trademark reverse slog-sweep.

This incenses the contents of Bay 13, who start to chant tired, predictable and homophobic jibes about Pietersen swinging it both ways. Quite properly, he responds in the next over by hitting a ball from Hauritz straight into infamous mob. Knowing that Pietersen has the better of them, they start to riot. The game is stopped, and they only quieten several hours later when Billy Bowden sensibly suggests that they should doused using the sprinkler normally used to water the outfield. Still, the delay to the match is just enough to help Australia to a draw.

5th Test Match, Sydney

Obviously I could tell you whether or not England are able to hang on to a draw, so you would know whether they claim a series victory, but I'm not going to, because that would spoil the surprise. As The Supremes once sang in a different context, you'll just have to wait.

However, I will say that the principal feature of this match is a hugely brave performance from Paul Collingwood, who has been flown in from England as emergency cover for the injured Joe Denly. Unfortunately, Denly hurt his knee playing football in the warm-up to net practice, 48 hours before the game. Owing to a booking error by British Airways, Collingwood only arrives an hour before the start of play. Still very jet lagged, Collingwood is pressed into early action as Michael Clarke wins the toss, and England have to field first. Collingwood struggles on as the Australians score six hundred; then England are skittled and have to follow-on. Danger: Strauss, Bopara and Pietersen are out cheaply second time round. With still twenty minutes to play on the fourth day, Collingwood is forced by Strauss to bat again, battling Australians and exhaustion as he tries to see England to stumps. He manages that, but how long can he survive on the fifth day?

Wearing sunglasses to protect his weary eyes, he grinds onwards and onwards, keeping the increasingly desperate Antipodeans out. With an hour to go, Collingwood is dismissed for 132, and England are in trouble again with seven wickets down. Once Collingwood has taken his pads off, Strauss graciously lets him get some well-earned sleep. But will he wake up to the rosy smell of an England series victory, or will it be the sickly whiff of Australians spraying themselves with champagne?