The Oval

In a great sacrifice for the institution of the Ashes, Umpires Nigel Llong and Richard Illingworth declare that they are French, such that they are assumed to be neutral umpires who may officiate in the fifth test at The Oval.

Illingworth is pressed into action quickly, as Chris Rogers pads up to a straight ball from the towering Chris Tremlett.  Tremlett roars "How's that?"; Llong looks a little quizzical, but when a quick-witted Alastair Cook politely asks "Comment va ca?" in an accent reminiscent of the great Gordon Kaye, the problem is sold and Llong is able to send the Australian carrot-top upon his way.  After some further discussion, the Umpires agree that English will be the official language of the fifth test match.

The remainder of the day is all too predictable: Tremlett is outstandingly good, terrifying the Australian batsmen, whilst Chris Woakes bowls the ball on a length a foot outside the outside off-stump, until the shine has come off the new ball. Simon Kerrigan does not get a great deal of spin, but is able to deceive the second rate Australian batsmen with an interesting use of flight, for variation of flight is something they do not have in Australia any more.  Australia are 232 all out, ten minutes before tea.  During the remainder of the day, England accumulate 232 themselves, as Cook enjoys Nathan Lyon's bowling, and Jonathan Trott bats steadily.

The second day of the match comes under some threat as Umpires Llong and Illingworth briefly threaten to strike, because the ECB will not let them wear berets, but when Alec Stewart orders the Surrey catering staff to feed them French food until they stop behaving like Frenchmen, they quickly back down. England are able to continue their innings, and Kevin Pietersen in particular is able to play an innings of great dashing against the low grade Australian bowlers. Eventually, England declare on 601 for 2, with half an hour to go before close. There is just time for Rogers, David Warner and Usman Khawaja to be dismissed by Kerrigan, to a series of shots which should not be shown before the watershed.

The third day of the match is as a brief as it is predictable: Kerrigan and Tremlett run through the Australians, England win 4-0, everyone goes home happy and nobody notices that the Australia team have insulted the little urn itself.

I don't believe in ghosts

A flash of lightning; a boom of thunder.

Deep in the midst of Lumley Castle, Michael Clarke is awakened by a presence which has made itself known his room.  Reluctant to come from within his bedsheets, he calls out. 

"Who is that? That's not you again Smithy, is it? You stupid b&st&rd, this isn't funny any more."

"I am - or rather I was - a rather better batsman than your present number four. Or was it five? Or is he opening tomorrow? Anyway, I am not he. I am the ghost of Sir Don Bradman. And I tell you now: you must recall Ricky Ponting, Michael Hussey and Simon Katich, because at the moment your middle order is sh!t."

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But Clarke, assuming this is another prank by Graeme Swann, ignores the spectre and selects the same side for the fourth test. England recall Graeme Onions and, to the surprise of many, Monty Panesar. It is only later "leaked" that Panesar is recalled at the request of Sussex police, to keep him off the streets. 

England win the toss this time, and Cook decides to bat - despite dark skies. England make an indifferent start and are 22-2 after six overs.  But accomplished innings from Joe Root and Kevin Pietersen see England through to 338-2 by the close. 

Clarke has another troubled night's sleep, and gets a thorough dressing down from the ghost of Sir Don, furious that his advice has been ignored. 

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England bat on, during what is a brutal second day for the Australians, before eventually declaring just after tea, which the score on 555-5 (Pietersen 255*, Root 128).  Australia make a respectable start, but when Chris Rogers plays an Onions delivery outside off onto his stumps, it is the cue for a catastrophic loss of wickets on the part of the hapless Australians.  The score is just 55-5 (Onions 3-15) at the close.

But what is more memorable for poor Clarke is the further interruption to his sleeping patterns.  Oh, how he suffers that night.  When Sir Don has finished a twenty minute lecture on how to play Panesar on a turning pitch,  Clarke assumes he can go back to sleep.  But no, for then comes in the ghosts of Douglas Jardine and Harold Larwood, mocking the hapless Australian's efforts at playing Onions and Panesar.

Clarke shakes his head ruefully, and curses the childish antics of Swann and Stuart Broad. But he consoles himself, however, assuming they will be exhausted the next morning.

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But as he "rocks up" (as he puts it) at the Riverside Arena, he is puzzled to note the England pacemen warming up vigorously, without lines under theirs eyes or even a hint of jadedness. Rather, it is his team that is jaded. It is no surprise when England dismiss the Australians for just 99, and still less of a surprise when Cook orders the Australians to follow on. 

Australia bat reasonably in the second innings, and Clarke scores a resolute hundred. But nobody can stay with him.  Australian after Australian gets in - but gets out.  

Finally, with nine wickets down and with ten minutes to go before the close of play, he finds himself batting against Panesar.  It has been an indifferent performance from the Sussex spinner, but he is still getting the occasional ball to turn and bounce.

However, the third ball of Panesar's over does not spin and bounce. Rather, it darts on, striking the outside half of Clarke's pad as he jerks forward in the "half-press", so popularised by England batsmen coached by Duncan Fletcher. As one, the England players appeal to "Umpire" Marais Erasmus. Erasmus scratches his head, flips a coin, sees the head of Her Majesty, nods, and sticks up his finger. Clarke gestures that the ball hit his inside edge, and refers the matter to DRS. 

And so it is, that the Hotspot footage appears on television screens up and down the land.  The footage concentrates on the inside of Clarke's bat - and no hot spot is apparent.  

But just in the background, Hotspot catches the faint, spectral, figure of a small man, wearing cricket whites and with a baggy cap over his sunbeaten head. The figure is barely visible, but it is clear that he is standing over Clarke's shoulder, shaking his head in lament at the poverty of technique shown by the Australian captain.