Nagpur

Set in its Central India location, Nagpur is in a dry part of India, and the cricket pitch is in a dry part of Nagpur. MS Dhoni makes little effort to pretend that the pitch is intended for anything other than his three spinners. There is just one change in the England side, with Jonny Bairstow re-introduced to replace Samit Patel, who has an upset stomach. The Indian side, however, bears two changes, with Yuvraj Singh and Zaheer Khan making way for Puyish Chawla and Parvinder Awana respectively. Rather than bother with the formality of going out into the middle, Alistair Cook and MS Dhoni stay in the pavilion and just agree that if they had actually tossed a coin, India would have won the toss and decided to bat. 

They might equally have agreed that Gautam Ghambir would have been trapped lbw, prodding half-forward to James Anderson's third delivery, particularly if they had read Next Week's Scoreboard.  But - as has been pointed out both in productions such as Doctor Who and Back to the Future, and also by a former colleague of NWS's author - the possibility of an individual able to control and yet also know his fate could cause a rupture in the space/time continuum.  This itself could have disrupted the Final Test in manners unknown, and perhaps that is why Cook and Dhoni, with their love for test match cricket, decided to avoid this blog.

Anyway, India bat pretty well after Ghambir's not unpredictable dismissal, on a dry looking pitch.  Virender Sehwag is stumped for 94, trying to hit Monty Panesar into the River Nagpur, but Sachin Tendulkar survives a confident lbw decision to make an accomplished 76 not out, before stumps are drawn with the score on 245 for 2.  But the pitch is already turning for Panesar and Swann: how long can the little resplendido keep the former Northants spinners at bay?

In the most absorbing day's cricket since 12 September 2005, there is a titanic battle between modern greats Sachin Tendulkar and Monty Panesar. In a day when Panesar and Swann bowl unchanged for a session and a half, Tendulkar battles to 158, before becoming Panesar's final wicket, but at the other end, the Indians try to keep the Englsih spinners out - but to no avail. Eventually, the Indians are all out for 422. Panesar can only smile, as he walks off the pitch and sees a massive banner saying "Well done, Monty, you really bowled splendidly." That is true generosity of spirit from the Indian supporters.

Perhaps exhausted from fielding around the bat, the England batsmen do not play well. Awana is nervous, but after Cook nicks a wide one to Pujara at slip, he regains his confidence and starts to bowl increasingly quickly.  Jonathan Trott and Kevin Pietersen follow quickly afterwards, and Nick Compton can only look on sadly from the other end.  Ian Bell is able to keep out Awana, and the erratic Chawla; and indeed after tea, the two England right-handers open up, striking Chawla for 44 runs in just two overs. Unfortunately, Bell is out stumped off Chawla, trying to do one better than Sehwag and hit the iffy leg-spinner into the River Nagpur.  Sir Ian Botham explains that this is Bell's natural game, but there is little sympathy as nightwatchman Anderson's off-stump is uprooted by Awana in the final ball of the day's play.

The third day starts well for England, with Bairstow batting assertively against R Ashwin.  He knocks up a quick 45, before attampting to reverse sweep Pragyan Ojha. As the ball strikes his pad, each and every one of the Indian close fielders appeal for lbw, but Umpire Aleem Dar does an excellent job to detect an edge before the ball strikes the pad, and declines the appeal.  Detecting a problem, Compton comes down the pitch and challenges Bairstow to cross the Rubicon - to go from being a promising one day wicketkeeper-batsman, to being a test match batsman.  Bairstow is the last man out for 146, off 220 balls, as England are eventually dismissed for 455. There is just time for Sehwag to get out stumped, trying once more to hit Panesar into the River Nagpur, before close of play. 

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

It is clear that the match will result in a draw, barring a batting catastrophe by either side. Unfortunately, that is the fate which meets India.  Or was it a great bowling performance from Steven Finn on a dead pitch which caused it?  And is India's batting collapse too late for England to claim victory anyway?

Why India is the best place in the world

Alistair (or is it Alastair?  I always forget) Cook calls correctly, and asks MS Dhoni if he will bowl.  Cook licks his lips as he says this.  By the end of the day, he has has chipped, nurdled and generally defended his way to 158 not out.  At the other end, Joe Root - batting at six in preference to Samit Patel - is looking accomplished  on 85 not out.  The pitch is slow, but is already taking spin, and England have the runs on the board - 358-4.

The second day is a hot one. Root only adds three before he falls for 88 to Ishant Sharma, but Cook presses on, grinding his way onwards with Matt Prior playing well at the other end.  By mid-afternoon, with the pitch deteriorating rapidly, James Anderson finally edges R Ashwin to slip, and England are bowled out for 555.

As one might expect, England open up their bowling with their spinners.  With a perceived hoodoo over the Indian batsmen, Monty Panesar and Graeme Swann leap in - but without any effect.  Virender Sehwag and Gautam Ghambir show what incredible batsmen they are, as they craft the score up to 55 after 5 overs. Anderson and Steven Finn take the ball, but whilst Finn is able to strike Sehwag with a lifting bouncer, neither England bowler is able to make a breakthrough.  With five minutes to go before tea, England need a change bowler in order that Finn may get another over.  Thrown the ball, Root floats the ball between bat and pad, bowling Sehwag through the gate, as he dances down the pitch and tries to hit the Yorkshireman into the River Hooghly. 66-1 at tea.  That is England's last success of the day, however: India close on 151-1 (Ghambir 89*, Pujara 21*).

The third day is a mixed one for England: they bowl poorly, and drop a great many catches, but MS Dhoni follows up on his episode with the dry pitches by declaring the Indian innings closed with just 2 wickets down, 100 runs behind, in the mid-afternoon.  He explains later that he wanted to have the maximum time to force a result. Duncan Fletcher defends his man, explaining that Dhoni is occasionally stupid and is not to be blamed for that.  Anyway, England score a further 176 runs during what remains of the day, for the loss of just (a very tired looking) Cook.  Nick Compton, in particular, shows that the goatee beard he shares with Kevin Pietersen is a signature of a shared talent.

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

The fifth day sees England bat for an hour, with Ian Bell chipping a number of easy boundaries; eventually England declare, setting India 362 to win off 75 overs.  Panesar and Swann bowl well, but once again Ghambir and Sehwag are too good for them.  As Sehwag quickly passes his century, it looks as if the chase is on.  But drawing inspiration, Cook once again runs to Root. He tosses up a looping off-break, and for the second time in the match, Sehwag tries to hit him into the River Hooghly; and for a second time it all goes wrong.  The ball skies, and whilst closest fielder Panesar loses the ball in the sun and has to run for cover, Prior is safely on hand to pouch the catch.

In that moment, Panesar and Swann understand the great beauty that it is India.  In India, they do not just have pitches that spin, they have pitches that spin in different ways, depending on how quickly you bowl.  After watching YouTube footage of Philippe Edmonds during the lunch break, Panesar in particular is able to adapt to the uncomfortably slow surface.  After lunch, the England spinners are very splendid indeed.  India are all out, just after the tea, as the red sun makes its way down over the Eden Gardens scoreboard. Eden Gardens indeed; probably the best country in the world, this.

In the psychiatrist's chair

"Well then, Sachin, why are you here today?"

"I had an argument with MS Dhoni the other day, and I feel I need to tell somebody about it."

"That's not why you're here, is it?"

"No. I'd better tell you. It was the fifth day, in the second test at Mumbai.  The fourth day was lost to rain, and even after the infant scored a quickfire hundred for England, we were only set 132 to win in two sessions.  Viru and Ghambir managed to see off Anderson and Meaker, and Swann too.  But then he came...he came..."

"Who came, Sachin?"

"No; I can't talk about it.  It's too painful, even after three years."

"It's OK, Sachin, you can talk about it. You are in a safe place here. But you have to tell me or he will never go away...now tell me...who took 10-12 to bowl England to an extraordinary victory?"

"You know. The bearded one who can't bat or field."

"Tell me, Sachin. Tell me now, or you will never be free."

"Monty. Yes, it was Monty Panesar."

"Well done, Sachin."

That'll be £50,000, please

Redder than a Martian landscape, the Ahmedabad pitch looks back up at Alistair Cook. The red dust flying from the pitch looks like curry powder, ready to confound the bowels of an England batsman in the fourth innings. Sensibly, the Essex man decides to bat, and it is therefore the case that a few moments later he walks out to bat with Nick Compton, who has sensibly decided to remove his goatee beard, following advice from Kevin Pietersen that it looks good.

Compton is facing up to to Zaheer Khan, who is bowling his regulatory six overs before injuring his hamstring.  Compton's first ball in test cricket sears past the off-stump, past the Somerset man's forward prod.  He is shaken, but is shaken more still when a moment later there is a booming voice from the sky:

"Nick, it's Grandpa Denis up in heaven.  When you're facing the new ball, and you get one rising outside off stump, just let the ball go - you'll only nick it to slip otherwise."

As Geoffrey Boycott in the TMS commentary box assures viewers that this is good advice from Compton senior, Compton junior composes himself.  But he finds a new certainty, and sees off the remainder of Khan's spell.  And it proves to be the Indian spinners who have short-comings; R Ashwin and Yuvraj Singh both regularly leak one boundary an over.  It is no great surprise when the England openers return for some lunch, with the score on 109-0 (Compton 51*, Cook 51*).

The remainder of the day follows relatively calmly, with no further interventions from Compton senior's spirit: and it is a testiment to Compton junior's batting that no further guidance is needed.  A test cricketer in his own right now, Nick Compton bats in a splendid manner, deadeningly seeing off Sachin Tendulkar's medium-dobbers, and Virender Sehwag's nonsense.  Following Cook's skied pull to mid-on, Kevin Pietersen comes and goes to Yuvraj, but Compton stays.  He is 168 not out at close of play, with England looking well placed on 368-5. 

Compton eventually falls the next day for 199, but Graeme Swann and nightwatchman Monty Panesar are able to craft the score past 500.  It later transpires that they had a wager, agreeing that the first to pass 50 runs is to be recognised the greatest Northamptonshire spinner of all time.  Apart from Anil Kumble and Bishen Bedi.  Eventually, England are all out for 555, in the mid-afternoon.

Graeme Onions, surprisingly preferred to James Anderson, seems to thrive in the heat. He belies the flat surface, pitching the ball full, as first Gautan Ghambir and then Virender Sehwag are dismissed leg before wicket.  Even Tendulkar is dismissed leg before wicket, missing a ball that does not turn from an elated Panesar. By tea-time, India are 35-5. By close of play, they are 87-6.

The following morning sees some stout resistance from Dhoni and the beligerant Ashwin, as they club the England spinners around mercilessly.  But Ashwin gets carried away with himself, and dances past a ball floated up by Graeme Swann: Prior has the bails off in a moment, and that proves the mumble which starts the avalanche. India are 187 all out, with five minutes to go before lunch on the third day.

Cook discusses his options with Flower over lunch - lentil curry, with a naan bread. Both are concerned that Panesar and Swann may not be good enough to withstand Sehwag and Tendulkar in full flight. Nobody wants to see England batting on a last day pitch against spin. They are resolved to refuse the follow-on, but then Pietersen sits opposite the captain and coach.

"P!ss off Kevin, I haven't got time for you and your text messages now" moans Cook - quite unaware that Pietersen has a valid point to make.

"Excuse me, sir," responds Pietersen mildly "I just wanted to offer an opinion. I feel you should respect your spinners. For all that is said in the English press, Panesar and Swann are amongst the best of the planet - and even if they have an off-day, you still have Samit Patel and me. Surely, between the four of us, we can see off the Indians without the need to expose English frailties against spin?"

Shocked, Cook and Flower nod at each other; before Flower propelty acknowledges that Pietersen is right. They decide to require the Indians to follow on. Predictably, the Indian innings is dominated by spin, with Panesar giving Patel lessons in left-arm spin, explaining dull accuracy is the only way to bowl in India.  Patel rewards his master, delivering four wickets during what remains of the third day's play. India are ill-positioned, at 280-7 at the end of the third day.

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

Inspired by the unusual weather, the Indians resist on the fifth day, and Dhoni and Zaheer dig in. When they are bowled out, with four overs to go before the close, the Indians even have a lead of 46.

Pietersen is asked to open the batting with Captain Cook - but he falls with 22 still needed off two overs, for a three lion victory. Having batted so well in the first innings, Compton is pushed out to finish the job off.   Compton is taking his guard, as R Ashwin prepares to bowl. But suddenly, once again, the clouds part and the skies speak once more. 

"You need to give Ashwin some humpty, grandson. Don't be deluded by the use of the initial as a he first name, or even the success in the T20 - he's cr@p."

And so it follows that England win with an over to spare. Compton has won the game for England.  The question is though; which Compton?

A victory for good manners and common sense

Kevin Pietersen plays after apologising and admitting he has been a very naughty boy.  He is forced to write "I recognise that both Andrew Strauss and Andy Flower are both splendid; and what is more, I realise I must never indulge in paranoid fantasies about my teammates." some 250 times. As a precaution, Captain Strauss insists that Pietersen hands over each of his seven mobile telephones twenty minutes before the start of play. That is the end of the matter and they are all friends again.

The first day, disturbed as it is by rain, is short-lived. But in the 32 overs possible, Steven Finn and James Anderson make significant in-roads into the South African batting line-up.  And the run-rate is poor; Hashim Amla's efforts to frustrate the England bowlers backfire, as Simon Taufel gets bored and decides to give him out lbw, even though the ball pitched half a yard outside leg-stump. 66-6 at the end of day one.

AB de Villiers and Dale Steyn hold up the England seam-bowlers at the start of day two, taking the score on to 160-6. With twenty minutes to go before lunch, Strauss turns to Pietersen for advice.  Pietersen asks for a bowl; and de Villiers falls a natural prey to one that turns and bounces, with the ball pricking off his low gloves into the hands of Ian Bell at silly point.  The rest of the South African innings subsides meakly, and they are bowled out for 178.  England bat well throughout the rest of the day.  Pietersen is dragged to the crease when Cook is dismissed 15 minutes before the close; but he plays well, and there seems to be only one possible winner with the score on 190-2.

Pietersen and Trott play well on the third day, on a benign pitch.  The score is 587-6 at close of play, with both Pietersen and Trott scoring 222, in a brace of innings almost designed by fate herself to wind up the South Africans.  In his post-play interview, wearing a handsome ECB blazer which is announced as the England cricket team's new Lords uniform, Strauss explains that England wanted to get a big first innings lead, as the South African batsmen are dull, they have every reason to play for a draw and the Lords pitch is amazingly good. 

He need not have worried. By close of play on the fourth day, the South Africans are crying into their beer.  England have won by an innings and 48 runs, following a destructive spell of bowling by Steven Finn.  Collaborating on their podcast for the BBC website, Jonathan Agnew exclaims that Finn's spell of 8-17 sets a new benchmark in polite hostility, whereas Geoffrey Boycott complains that the South African batsmen have let their country down by not moving their feet.

Olympic Relief

"Come on boys," chirps Graeme Smith, cock-a-hoop with England struggling on 66-4 on a fruity Headlingley track, "he's only 5'52 tall. That is approximately 1.95 times the height of an average Springbok"

And so starts the Test career of England's new number six, James Taylor.  It has been an odd day, with rain preventing any play before tea. Taylor's first three balls from Morne Morkel pass a foot over his head. His third ball is on a good length, outside off-stump, and seams in. In the TMS commentary box, Michael Vaughan gasps as the ball rears towards Taylor's head.  But Taylor swings the ball round, past Dale Steyn at fine leg, to take an excellent first boundary.  

With five minutes to go before close of play, he looks a test cricketer, at 45 not out.  He is batting well, and has made Imran Tahir in particular look slightly foolish.  Smith brings Morkel back. With the last ball of the day, Morkel hits Taylor on the shoulder.  The South Africans all go up for lbw, and review the decision using the DRS system, but Hawkeye shows the ball is missing the off stump. 

Still, though, the South Africans are not happy.  Overnight, Smith applies for Judicial Review of Third Umpire Rob Bailey's decision not to overturn the onfield umpire's decision.  Court delays briefly threaten a start to the next day's play, but fortunately Tugendhat J has tickets, and quickly dismisses the South Africans' application. Taylor's innings continues at 11:00 am. 

It is over, though in the last over before tea. He is the last man out, having scored 144, with the England total  at 356 - a shade under par, but it has been cloudy.  

The South Africans struggle.  James Anderson is clearly unhappy by being compared unfavourably to Dale Steyn, and bowls significantly quicker - and Graeme Smtih quickly edges him to Graeme Swann at second slip.  Hashim Amla is then dismissed in bizarre circumstances, hooking the ball into Ian Bell's helmet at short leg, only for the ball to ricochet to 'keeper Matthew Prior. When Stuart Broad hits a tuft of grass on a convenient length, a tired looking Jacques Kallis has little alternative but to edge the ball to third slip.  Jacques Rudolph, playing at his former home ground, briefly threatens to delay England, but Swann traps him lbw, and after that, the rattled South Africans subside very quickly. They are eventually dismissed for 122 all out. There is very widespread criticism of AB de Villiers' decision to play for the South African hockey team at the Olympics in the evening, with de Villiers only able to explain that he did not expect to have to bat that evening. Anyway, Andrew Strauss immediately asks a grumpy looking Smith to follow on. 

The third day is an unsuccessful one for the South Africans.  Smith looks grumpy, but the unattractiveness of his play is matched by its effectiveness: he bats all day for a well fought 55*. But at the other end, Swann is able to claim wickets at regular intervals.  By close of play, the South Africans have still not achieved parity, and an early conclusion to the match seems to be imminent, with the score at 222-9. 

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain. 

But the South Africans' hopes of an escape built on adverse meteorology are dashed: once again, the South Africans are undone by their own team. With ten minutes to go before the start of play, Smith makes the awful discovery that Vernon Philander is in London, representing South African in the Olympic weightlifting tournament. The match is declared forfeited.

As James Taylor readies himself to receive a man-of-the-match cheque which is nearly three times' his length, the presentation ceremony takes an unexpected turn of events. The interviews are interrupted by the national anthem, and suddenly appears the slight figure of HM The Queen. She is beearing medals.

She briefly explains that Test Match cricket has, at the very last minute, been awarded Olympic status.  The remaining squads having failed to attend, the England team are awarded the Gold Medal, the Umpires are given the Silver, and the South Africans the Bronze. 

NWS sincerely hopes he has been nice enough not to be arrested. 

The Kevin Pietersen grudge match

"To play one day cricket, or not to play international cricket" ponders Kevin Pietersen. He sits motionless, cross legged on the sodden Oval outfield, threading a daisy chain.  

The emotion is almost too much for him: it has been a huge day. England's victory, his own 158, Steven Finn's 8-28 and the tears of the South Africans, mourning Mark Boucher's sudden and unexpected retirement. 

Pietersen feels a pair of eyes looking down upon him.  He looks up to Graeme Smith, smiling smugly on the Oval balcony. He knows what he has to do. He stands up, and makes his way slowly towards Andy Flower's office, thinking only about how to persuade the England coach to take him back. 

NWS - an apology

Regularly readers of NWS will be well aware of its profound accuracy and faith to the facts, as they are about to unfold.  How true that is became apparent today.  Previously, it had always been assumed that NWS followed the facts.  All that changed today.  As the rain came down at Edgbaston, it became clear that the reverse is true: the facts follow NWS.  Imagine the horror of NWS, as it was clear that there would be no cricket, because there was no NWS prediction.

To rectify the position, and to improve the weather tomorrow, NWS can hereby confirm that England will win the third test match by 106 runs, with Steven Finn taking sixteen wickets, and Sunil Narine taking 1-216.

In the meantime, NWS would wish to apologise to all those hopeful spectators who turned up at Edgbaston today. Your suffering had weighed heavy on NWS' conscience.

Twitter

It is the last straw for Andy Flower. After Kevin Pietersen caused havoc at the MCC, by tweeting the rumour that Graeme Swann would abandon the Test Match to sing for the United Kingdom in the Eurovision Song Contest, the iPads of the entire England are fitted with a new application. The "Focus on Cricket" application gives the user a mild electric shock, if they attempt to log on to any social media website. It takes Pietersen several times to understand how - and indeed that - it works.  

As it is, Darren Sammy wins the toss, and elects to bat. Things get off to a pretty bad start; James Anderson and Stuart Broad bowl particularly well, and West Indies subside to 24-2.  However, Adrian Barath and Darren Bravo nurse the West Indians to lunch with no further alarm.  There is little to recommend the remainder of the day; Tim Bresnan continues to bowl every single delivery half a yard outside off stump, and Graeme Swann is off form. By close of play, it is the West Indies who are on top at 255-3.

The England effort is much improved on Saturday; the explanation given by the ECB is that Andy Flower gave the team a "talking to" on Friday night, whereas the Sky television links it to the tidal moments of the River Trent. However, the truth is more complex; bored by the Twitter ban, James Anderson and Graeme Swann have turned to a spare copy of Wisden, and have spent Friday night studying the form of their opponents. Anderson was intrigued to discover that Shivnarine Chanderpaul is dismissed leg before wicket on a disproportionate number of occasions, and resolved to bowler a little straighter to him. No surprise then, that Chanderpaul fell lbw in the first over of the day.  That is the catalyst for a "Calypso Collapso", as Michael Holding sadly describes it. Three overs before lunch, the West Indies have folded for 298 all out.  

The remainder of the day sees just one wicket, as Jonathan Trott and Alastair Cook both set about enormously long innings. Both innings progress through Sunday, and perhaps out of boredom, Andrew Strauss declares late on Sunday night with the score on 500-1. 

Monday is, unfortunately, like shooting ducks for the England bowlers. The weather is overcast, and West Indian after West Indian has little alternative but to prod forward to the England seamers, hopefully but hopelessly, the ball flying off their hapless bats to the alert slip cordon. It is England who are sipping the champagne by 3:20 in the afternoon, shortly after an in-swinger from James Anderson shatters Kemar Roach's stumps.  England win by an innings and 32 runs. 

Calypso Spirit

Just before play on Thursday morning, the surprise selections of Jack Brooks and Stuart Meaker, standing in for the food poisoned James Anderson and Stuart Broad, means the Lords murmur is an octave higher than usual.

Brooks in particular is a tired man.  His 11-2-12-7 at Canterbury was harder work than it sounds, and the call-up from England at 9:30 in the morning came as a complete surprise.  But two hours later, as he looks down at the cherry glossed Duke ball at Lords and sees the three golden lions on the side of the ball, he knows his chance has come. 

"This man got an eeevil bandana," responds Adrian Barath, opening the batting for the West Indies, "and he's got a naasty mullet."

But it proves to be Brooks' bowling, rather than his haircut, that is truly malevolent. The strong Steelback starts in, walking his first stride before getting into stride. He approaches the crease at the Nursery End. He leaps into his delivery stride, and with an effortless balance lets the ball go at 85 mph. The ball arrives on a length, and Barath is unsure what to do; it rears at him, and catches the edge of his "Calypso 55" bat.  The ball flies to Jonny Bairstow, fielding in his first test match at gully. 

That is the highlight of an abbreviated day of cricket, as rain sets in just after noon.  With play abandoned for the day at Lords, Brooks contemplates going down to Canterbury to help out his beloved Northamptonshire, but an ECB official - later proved to be a Kent spy - forbids Brooks from doing joining his teammates. 

Perhaps that is a blessing for Brooks, though, as Friday is a blustery day, and Brooks and Meaker both get a long bowl.  Meaker bowls particularly quickly, but decisive strokeplay from Darren Bravo in particular means that the game is finely balanced. At close of play, the score is 346-8. 

10:30 Saturday morning, and Darren Sammy is getting ready to continue his careful innings. But he looks up at the leaden skies, and reflects: who would want to bat against Finn, Meaker and Brooks in this weather?  On a whim, he declares.  His smart decision reaps immediate rewards: the England openers are ill-prepared, and in just the third over, Kemar Roach bowls Alastair Cook through the gate. Jonathan Trott edges the next ball to Barath at slip, and it is as if West Indian cricket is back in its glory days once more.  Despite a pugnacious 76 from Bairstow, in his maiden test innings, England are finally bowled out just after tea, for 226, and whilst Finn takes three before the close, the West Indies have a distinct advantage of 63-3.   

Unfortunately, due to a diary error the West Indians are obliged to attend a rum tasting event at the Barbadian embassy that night. The next morning, the effects are mixed: "I am feeling groggy, man. That Captain Morgan has given me bad sensations" complains Dwayne Bravo as Jonathan Agnew interviews him just before play starts. At first, it seems Darren Bravo is inspired by his hangover, taking 22 off the first five balls of Graeme Swann's first over. But he skies the final ball of the Nottinghamshire twirler's over, and the ball is caught by Kevin Pietersen at cover point.  

"Very very stupid indeed. Quite unforgivable, that," tuts Test Match Special guest commentator, Ritchie Benaud. His disappointment is audible and understandable, as despite a resolute innings from Darren Sammy, the West Indian innings subsides. When Brooks takes a sharp caught and bowled chance just after lunch, they are all out for 132. England are set 253 to win. 

England captain Strauss is nursing a migraine, so Trott and Cook open the batting. They play well to take the England innings to 54, before Cook edges Shane Shillingford to Darren Bravo at slip.  Pietersen and Bell follow cheaply, and when Bairstow falls twenty minutes before the close, England are precariously poised at 152-4. But Brooks agrees to act at nightwatchman, much in his own style. In the last over of the day, he clubs Shillingford for two giant sixes in the Mound Stand.  The balance of power has shifted again; presumably England cannot lose from 182-4? 

Indeed they can't, as it turns out.  In very different styles, Brooks and Trott polish off the remaining runs. Trott is able to celebrate his century, before Brooks drives Shillingford through the covers to seal an England victory.  

A blueprint for life

England's batting on the first morning at Colombo is dreadful. Not even Graeme Swann's rendition of Glen Campbell's Rhinestone Cowboy can cheer the England dressing room at lunchtime. Things get little better in the afternoon, and only a resolute stand between Jonathan Trott and Tim Bresnan is able to lift the innings over 200. Just after tea, Steven Finn's off-stump is pegged back, and Jonathan Agnew looks through the shimmering heat to see 212-10 on the scoreboard.

Things are little better in London. Sitting in his flat above 10 Downing Street, David Cameron listens in dismay to Francis Maude's announcement that all the animals in Longleat are to be slain, in order to save the petrol used to fuel the estate's fleet of Land Rovers. He decides he needs a break from self-important ministers, and switches the radio over to the cricket. He hears the score and starts to weep.

As Jonathan Agnew runs through the scoreboard, Geoffrey Boycott comments on what an accomplished batsman Jonathan Trott is. Cameron sips some tea. He ponders that England's best batsman is, in fact, South African. Downcast, he says to himself that this is a failure on the part of English domestic cricket, before suddenly being improved by an alternative perspective: that Jonathan Trott is an indication of the success of English cricket. He and Kevin Pietersen have paid a generous compliment to English cricket by moving here. They decided that England was a better place than South Africa to play cricket - and that's great, because they both seem to be decent people.

But as he listens to Agnew running through the England scorecard, Cameron is puzzled to learn that a bowler has been dropped as a result of England's poor batting performance in Galle. And not just any bowler: Monty Panesar. The team's most enthusiastic and hardworking player has been dropped.

Cameron turns the radio down, and reflects a moment longer: England is a team which is improved by its imports, but where the ones who quietly work hard do not always get the greatest reward. Yes, thinks Cameron, England is a team which is improved by its imports, but where the ones who quietly work hard do not always get the greatest reward. A cricket team is a microcosm for the nation it represents, and more generally, cricket is a metaphor for life.

Cameron realises what he must do, to improve both his country and improve its cricket team. For they are one and the same thing. He announces what the BBC calls a "package of measures" intended to improve people, including the allocation of additional votes to those with higher IQ levels, government incentives for good manners and lower rates of tax for the hardest working (but not necessarily the highest earning).

After a performance demonstrating enormous commitment in sapping heat, England are able to turn the match around, and win by three wickets.

Scorching

"It's the romance of the place," explains Andrew Strauss, as he gestures towards the fort overlooking the ground, "I can't stop myself. I shall bat."

In equatorial heat, Mahela Jayawardene asks Suranga Lakmal and Chanaka Welegedara to open the bowling, so as to get the England innings off to a dull start. As might be expected, the Sri Lankans bowls on a regular length, testing the patience of the England batsmen. Fortunately, Strauss and Alistair Cook have been practicing against 75 mph bowling, and are able to chip the occasional single. In frustration, Jayawardene asks Ranjana Herath to bowl. But like Mrs Thatcher, a first day pitch in Sri Lanka is not for turning; and the Sri Lankans soon realise the game is up. Strauss is out chipping a slower ball from Lakmal to mid-off, but otherwise, England are undisturbed on their way to 83-1 at lunch.

Recognising that rain is predicted for later in the match, Andy Flower encourages Jonathan Trott to score runs more quickly than usual. He tries, but he finds himself trapped inside his own cliche: he is in "the bubble", and unable to escape. 36 not out at tea, and 74 not out at the close, he plays the straightest of straight bats to over after over of medium pace nonsense. Test cricket has become stagnant.

Come the morning of the second day, the crowd is sparse, and only a few travelling England supporters line the stadium decks. Could it be the indignant ticket prices, or could it be Trott's batting? Those that are present are kept amused by the visiting Sir Cliff Richard, who has kindly agreed to lead a singalong whilst Trott defends. Eventually, England declare shortly after tea, on 555-2.

The match is alive once more. England's bowlers make immediate inroads into the Sri Lankan batting line-up. James Anderson is able to use the sultry conditions to swing the ball through the air; at first, Lahiru Thirimanne pads up to one that swings in to him, and the following ball sees Kumar Sangakarra edge the ball to Graeme Swann at second slip. At the other end, Stuart Broad has made a remarkable recovery from his sprained ankle, possibly as a result of spiritual advice from Glenn Hoddle, who is on holiday with Sir Cliff Richard. Tillekaratne Dilshan finds a curious way to be caught at silly point: the ball flies off his gloves, and becomes lodged in the handkerchief which Ian Bell's has put round his neck to keep cool. When Swann dismisses Thilan Samaraweera lbw in the penultimate over of the day, Sri Lanka are in significant difficulty at 56-4.

However, the Sri Lankan batsmen are refreshed by the third morning, and Dinesh Chandimal and Angelo Mathews (also recovered from injury following advice from Glenn Hoddle) bat well against good bowling. Both of England's DRS challenges are used up on speculative Monty Panesar lbw appeals, and whilst Panesar makes partial amends by taking a return catch to dismiss Mathews, Sri Lanka are well placed on 166-5 at lunch.

After lunch, a heat wave increases temperatures at the ground to 46 degrees, and after substitute fielder Samit Patel complains that he is feeling faint, the umpires consider calling a halt to play. However, substitute substitute fielder James Tredwell brings on a flask of hot tea, and after that, everyone feels much better. England plough on, and are rewarded as spirited bowling from Swann and Trott bring a cluster of wickets. Sri Lanka are bowled out for 228.

England weather consultant Michael Fish urges Strauss not to enforce the follow on - he predicts very hot sun over on the fourth day. But England's bowlers say they are ready for more work, and Strauss asks the Sri Lankans to bat again. Thirimanne and Dilshan reach the close with their wickets intact.

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to a monsoon.

The fifth day, however, is visited by brighter skies, to the point that there is little surprise when Strauss asks Swann and Panesar to open the bowling. The dividends are immediate: Thirimanne cannot keep out a quicker one from Swann, and the follow ball sees Anderson, fielding at slip, catch a one handed flyer off Sangakarra's bat. The following over sees England lose both of their DRS challenges to speculative Monty Panesar lbw shouts, but it is all smiles for the bearded spinman as his third lbw shout sees Dilshan on a sullen march back to the pavilion.

Chandimal and Samaraweera are able to keep the England bowlers at bay at lunchtime, and in painful heat, England take no further wickets until play is interrupted in mid-afternoon. A viper slivers on to the outfield, and the England players cower. But Umpire Marais Erasmus has seen it all before, and uses the groundsman's rake to pin the serpent to the ground. Chandimal suggests that play should be suspended whilst the Sri Lankan RSPCA is summoned from Colombo to rescue the creature. He explains that Sri Lanka is an animal loving country - but a glint in Chandimal's eye tells Erasmus something is not quite right. Suspecting this is a ruse by the Sri Lankans to delay play and force a draw, Umpire Marais Erasmus uses the calculator function on his iPhone to work out that a car driving a 60 mph from Colombo to Galle will take at least an hour to arrive. He immediately orders that the snake be bludgeoned to death, using Chandimal's bat. Despite pleas for the creature's life from Glenn Hoddle, Graeme Swann does the deed and play resumes within five minutes.

The break in play allows England to drink more tea, and that is just what they need to break Sri Lankan resistance. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Chandimal is unhappy about resuming his innings with his blood-stained bat; it is equally unsurprising, then, that Swann traps him lbw in the follow over. The batting collapse that follows prompts Sri Lankan president Mahinda Rajapaksa to summon Sanath Jayasuriya, Aravinda de Silva and Arjuna Ranatunga from retirement, in order to solidify the Sri Lankan batting lines up ahead of the Second Test. As it is, the England team drink some more tea, to celebrate their victory of an innings and 49 runs.

- Untitled -

"There's a breathless hush in the Close to-night"

Funny poem, thinks Kevin. Still, he likes the idea of having something to chant whilst batting. Ever since joining Ian Bell's poetry classes, it's been something to take his mind off left arm spin.

"Ten to make and the match to win"

I've got it ten times worse, though, he ponders. England have fought back well, and could ordinarily have been expected to get the 153 needed to win, but after last time...anyway, with only 22 on the board and 2 down, England were in trouble when he got to the crease. England needed Pietersen to play a good innings. He has seen off Ajmal and Hafeez, and whilst Bell has failed at the other end, Ravi Bopara is playing well. 53 for 3, 100 to win.

"A bumping pitch and a blinding light"

But here is trouble. Change of overs, and Rehman's got the ball. Smiling. Tossing the ball in his hand. The Pakistani fielders pointing at Pietersen, sniggering.

"An hour to play, and the last man in."

Monty wouldn't need an hour to finish this match, says Kevin to himself. Natural batsman. Anyway, here he is Rehman, trotting in. Up to crease. Eye on ball, Kevin, eye on ball.

"And it's not for the sake of a ribboned coat"

Sounds nice. Ribboned coat. Shop in Kings Road. Splendid. Must keep eye on ball, he thinks.

"Or the selfish hope of a season's fame"

Sounds nice. Must keep eye on ball. Keep eye on ball. He thinks.

"But his captain's hand on his shoulder smote:"

Ball through air. Captain says we must rock against spin. Nonsense. Follow Lamb's advice and play natural game.

"Play up! Play up! And play the game!"

Advances, meets pitch of ball, strikes, six. Rehman aghast. Kevin is splendid. Best Englishman in Arabia since TE Lawrence. He thinks. Pressure released. England to win.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

Relaxing beside the team hotel's swimming pool, Andy Flower is telling Andrew Strauss about the time he sabotaged Henry Olonga's guitar, when Strauss is rescued by the ring of Flower's mobile telephone. London number, caller unknown.

"Good afternoon, Mr Flower. I'm sure you know who this is."

"Yes Ma'am, I recognise your voice. What can I do for you?"

"Well as you may know, Prince Philip and I have very much enjoyed following England's performances over the last few years, both at home and abroad, but we were both very disappointed about the performance last week. The batting was poor, but we were also very concerned about the team selection. Now I wanted to enquire of you: you are going to play Monty Panesar in the second test match, please?"

"Actually, Ma'am, we believe the current balance of the side works well for us..."

"...shut up, Interflora, and listen. England needs two spinners, and if you don't agree I've got 120 Coldstream Guards outside my window who'll say you're wrong. Now let me ask you one more time: are you going to play Monty Panesar?"

"Why, of course I am, Ma'am."

-----

"Time to bat now, Monty," enthuses Andrew Strauss, patting the Sussex and former Northamptonshire twirler on the back, as Matt Prior starts putting on his wicket-keeping gear. England are on 180-9, and it's been another bad day against Saeed Ajmal.

Panesar gets to the wicket, greeted by Graeme Swann, who is on 55 not out and is playing well.

"He's bowling well," explains the Nottinghamshire and former Northamptonshire spinner, "you have to watch for the doosra and teesra."

"I'm sure you're right."

Panesar settles himself, and prepares to face Ajmal. The little Pakistani bowler trundles in, pauses and coils up, before springing the ball out of his little fingers. The ball pitches on the off-stump, ready to turn away from Panesar's bat. But oh no, what is this? The doosra, turning into Panesar's pads for a certain lbw; only to be swatted away into the leg-side by the smiling Panesar.

"I think you'll need to work on disguising it," remarks Panesar to Ajmal as he turns for the second.

-----

Spirits are high in the England camp, after Swann's 132 and Panesar's 78*, but Younus Khan is good batsman, and the England bowlers have not been able to get past him. Sitting pretty with a score of 56*, the Pakistan batsman is heading towards a big century - and Strauss knows it. Again and again he rotates his bowlers, in the spirit of Captain Kirk trying to regain control of the USS Enterprise by furiously pressing random buttons. Finally, he tosses the ball to Panesar, who drops it.

But the hopes of all England are dashed, as Younus shuffles down the pitch, and drives Panesar over mid-off for a towering six.

"Not so splendid now, are you?" sneers Younus to Panesar.

"It will be the next ball. Have you not read NWS?" asks Panesar.

Panesar shuffles in, before ripping the ball out of his fingers, pitching it on the line on Younus' off-stump. Deceived by the buzz as the ball passes through the air, Younus plays for prodigious spin, but it is not there; rather, the ball darts into his stumps. The ball licks the inside edge, popping up to bat-padman Ian Bell. Bell takes a smart catch, but Younus has to be sent on his way by Umpire Billy Bowden, before he reluctantly accepts his fate.

-----

As he picks up his man-of-the-match award, the keys to a small office block, Monty Panesar speaks to the Sky TV's Michael Atherton.

"Well Monty, you certainly showed that you were splendid today. In your time out of the England team, did you ever doubt you had it in you to come back?" asks the television pundit.

"I always knew I was splendid, but I particularly want to thank the England management for showing faith in me," responds Panesar.

Back in London, a little octogenarian lady smiles into her tea.

NWS - A protest

It will not escape the notice of NWS' avid readership that no cricket forecast has been prepared for the first test match.

It must be understood that this is not the action of a lazy man who has been tidying up after having the builders in. No, this is a protest against the shameful antics of Saeed Ajmal, at the end of the morning of the third and final day of this match. Yes him, with his foolish protests against the umpire's decision to uphold Monty Panesar's appeal for leg before wicket, as the former Steelback takes the seventeenth of his nineteen wickets in England's victory by 343 runs.