After their lucky win against Northamptonshire, Australia converge on Birmingham with their spirits high. And who can blame them, as the sun beams down on a flat Edgbaston track?
"We'll field" decides Ricky Ponting, after winning the toss.
"Surely that can't be right on a flat deck in the blazing sunshine, Ricky? You do remember what happened in 2005?" queries Paul Allott, who is covering the toss for Sky Sports.
"Well, I know it's right. Because back in my hotel room last night, I had a visitation from the ghost of Don Bradman, and he told me I should definitely field. It was the most amazing experience of my life; I never knew the Don had a mackem accent."
As Shane Warne angrily explains to Sky viewers that this is another "s**thouse decision from a s**t-for-brains captain", Paul Collingwood sits in the England dressing room sniggering.
In any case, a few moments later, Alastair Cook and Ian Bell are batting, Andrew Strauss having decided to move down to three in a reshuffle of a batting order. The change in place seems to suit Bell, as he crafts a series of Johnson half-volleys to the cover point boundary. Ponting changes the bowling around. Between overs, Siddle snarls at Bell like a hungry veloceraptor, but the Englishman is undisturbed and England are attractively placed at 121-0 at lunch.
Things don't get much better for the Australians after lunch. Cook edges Nathan Hauritz to Brad Haddin soon after the break, but Strauss is a more than adequate replacement; 210-1 at tea. Meanwhile, Siddle has lost it, and questions the parentage of each of Strauss, Bell, Ponting and both umpires, all in the space of ten minutes. Bell departs to Hauritz immediately after reaching a triumphant hundred in the evening session, and shortly afterwards, Strauss, Ravi Bopara and Collingwood fall to the new ball in what Jonathan Agnew calls a "mini-collapse"; nevertheless, Matthew Prior and Andrew Flintoff see out the rest of the day, and England are well placed at 345-5.
The weather of the second day is every bit as wonderful as that of the first. After a few minutes, Flintoff is batting with a bead of sweat, as he clouts a series of unworthy deliveries from Johnson to the boundary to set his juices flowing. He cannot stop himself from scoring a hundred before lunch (his favourite - steak and chips). So the day proceeds, and England declare with an hour to go at 602-7 (Flintoff 188, Bell 100). There is just time for Philip Hughes to fall to a Flintoff bouncer, and for Ponting to fall lbw to an Anderson yorker. He complains to the umpire about the decision, but replays clearly show he was out.
Saturday morning is cloudy, and the overcast conditions assist the English swing bowlers. Mike Hussey and Simon Katich play well to keep them out, but after half an hour, Hussey plays no shot to an Anderson in-swinger, and umpire Doctrove raises his finger. Michael Clarke edges the next ball to Flintoff at second slip, and suddenly, Australia are at 78-4. But incoming batsman Shane Watson keeps the England bowlers out until lunchtime.
An ECB press release at Saturday lunchtime explains that Flintoff's knee has worsened, but he intends to play on. After lunch, he shortens his run up to five paces, but still keeps his pace above 90 mph. After three overs, he finally breaks through, making a steepling ball rise into Katich's fingers. The ball flies to Alastair Cook in the gully, and Katich is forced to depart after a composed 68. Once again, one leads to two; and two leads to three, and finally, Siddle has his off-stump uprooted, and Australia are all out for 278. With an hour and a half to go, Strauss decides to enforce the follow-on.
And then the Australians defy the principle that a team following on usually bats better than the first time round. It's not long before they are facing certain defeat at 30-5. Haddin and Clarke dig in, but when they are both snaffled by Flintoff, and when Anderson cleans up Hauritz and Siddle in successive deliveries, it looks as if England may finish the job in three days. But at 79-9, the clouds draw in and the last two Australian batsmen gratefully accept the light. Surely, though, it will not take England long to win on the fourth day.
But overnight, a storm rolls in from the Welsh hills, and in its tail lies hours of persistent drizzle. This is especially unfortunate for Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who decided Sunday would be the best day to be seen at the cricket. He spends the whole day looking miserably across the ground as the rain continues. He wonders to himself why people enjoy cricket so much.
Brown comes back on Monday, but the weather is still poor. Again, drizzle wipes out the morning session. There is some anxiety building in the England dressing-room, who know they need just one more wicket - but can they get out on to the pitch to take it?
Finally, the rain stops at 3:10, and Steve Rouse's team burst into action. Squeegy machines are lorried in from the county grounds at Worcestershire, Nottinghamshire, Leicestershire and Northamptonshire to support the operation. It's a race against both time and elements; but after an epic effort by the groundsmen and a final inspection by the umpires, it is decided that just three overs of play will be possible on the final day.
But oh no: what is this? Another press release from the ECB; Flintoff's knee has worsened. He is unable to run at all. The press release reads on: as he has carried the knee injury into the match, Ponting has declined the England management's sensible suggestion of a substitute fieldsman, so they have decided Flintoff will have to field at slip.
At the resumption, all nine fielders crowd around Johnson. Jimmy Anderson is given the first of the three overs. His very first ball is an in-swinger which strikes Johnson on the pad; but Umpire Doctrove declines the vociferous appeal. The rest of the over passes harmlessly, frustratingly, outside the off-stump. The next over is given to Graeme Swann, but the closest he comes to a wicket is an edge off Hilfenhaus' bat which lands just in front of slip.
At the end of the over, Prior throws Flintoff the ball for him pass on to Anderson, so that he can bowl the final over. But Flintoff does not pass it on; he has decided to bowl himself. He cannot run, so has to stand rooted at the return crease, using his immense upper body strength to bowl at any pace. Johnson is surprised by the pace of his first ball, at 85.7 mph, but he can let it go outside the off-stump. The second and third are quicker, but Johnson can defend. The fourth ball hits 90 mph. The ball strikes Johnson's pad, but Flintoff's appeal is curtailed when he realises the ball has pitched outside the off stump. Amazingly, off no run-up at all, Flintoff bowls the fifth ball at 93 mph. Johnson flails outside the off stump, but the ball just misses his bat. One more ball to go now.
Flintoff goes to Strauss, and explains that he thinks he can manage his full run-up for just one ball. One final effort to bring victory to England. He charges in, raises his arm, and that's it, he bowls. The ball passes outside Johnson's leg stump, through to 'keeper Prior. Johnson celebrates the draw, but as he tries to shake hands with Cook at silly-point, he sees Umpire Doctrove's arm out. No ball. One more delivery to go.
Flintoff comes in again. This time the ball is straighter. Johnson follows the line of the ball, but as it pitches, the ball deviates off the seam. It catches the inside edge of his bat, and knocks out his off stump. Flintoff is stunned; Johnson is stunned. They look into each other's eyes in silence. But the moment is brief, and no sooner has the connection been made, than Flintoff is mobbed by his teammates.
Later on, Gordon Brown smiles as presents the nPower man-of-the-match award to the Lancastrian colossus.
"And now, Andrew, here is your cheque for £5,000 from nPower. But I have a special surprise for you" smiles the prime minister.
"A crate of Boddingtons?" responds an excited Flintoff.
"No" says Brown, gesturing with a waft of his arm to the sky to the West of Birmingham. And at that moment, a red helicopter comes through the sunset. It flies quickly in, and lands on the sodden Edgbaston outfield. The pilot jumps out and opens the door. Gingerly, out steps Her Majesty the Queen. She approaches Flintoff.
"Right, let's get this over with. Down on your knees, please" she orders Flintoff.
"But I haven't done anything to deserve this!" pleads the Lancastrian.
"Cut the cr&p, fat boy. I don't want to do this any more than you do, but it's the Prime Minister's wish and royal protocol requires me to do what he says. I don't need to tell you what happened to the last person who disobeyed the Monarch."
Flintoff finally acquiesces and kneels before her. Her Majesty draws a sword from within her frock and taps him on both shoulders. As the crowd roars, she says those fateful words: "Arise, Sir Andrew!"
Sunday 26 July 2009
Sunday 12 July 2009
A day in the life of...
...Ricky feels the heat burning into his skin. The pressure is bearing down on him. He crouches down at slip as Siddle ran in, the ball pitches, and clonk, that's it. The crowd erupts to salute Monty Panesar as he reaches his double hundred. With Jimmy Anderson also in three figures, and England on 892 for 9, Australia are in trouble...deep trouble...deep trouble...
"Ricky, Ricky, wake up mate. You're having a dream."
...Ricky rolls over, and his sweat-sodden bedclothes immediately shake him awake. He looks up at the alarm clock. 3:00 am. He has been having the same nightmare every night since the conclusion of the First Test Match at Cardiff. He takes a drink from the glass of water on his bedside table, and tries to get back to sleep. He knows he has a big day ahead of him. It is the last day of the Second Test Match at Lords, and Australia are battling to avoid defeat. Tired, he slips away into another bout of disturbed sleep.
"Ricky, Ricky, wake up mate. You're having a dream."
...Ricky rolls over, and his sweat-sodden bedclothes immediately shake him awake. He looks up at the alarm clock. 3:00 am. He has been having the same nightmare every night since the conclusion of the First Test Match at Cardiff. He takes a drink from the glass of water on his bedside table, and tries to get back to sleep. He knows he has a big day ahead of him. It is the last day of the Second Test Match at Lords, and Australia are battling to avoid defeat. Tired, he slips away into another bout of disturbed sleep.
---
Fifteen minutes before play, and it's time for the team song, to the theme tune of Neighbours.
"Teammates; everybody needs good teammates;
With a little understanding;
You can find the perfect friend;
Teammates..."
And so on. Ricky knows most of the team feel the lyrics are a tad unimaginative, and feel a bit uncomfortable singing anyway, but he doesn't want to hurt the feelings of Michael Clarke, who is in charge of the team song.
As he sings on with a plastered smile, Ricky drifts away. He contemplates the Australian position in the match: a few minutes before the start of the fifth and final day, and Australia are in some difficulty: Australia failed in their first innings with 233 all out (Harmison 5-48, Swann 3-20), and by the fourth day England declared on 455 for 5, with a commanding lead of 222. Realistically, a draw is the best the Australians can manage on the final day.
---
Sitting on the balcony, Ricky looks up at the clock on the giant video screen. 11:12am. Hughes has not lasted long, predictably falling to a short one in Harmison's second over. With Australia in trouble, it is time for him to bat.
He gets up, and walks purposely downstairs. His spikes crunch against the wooden floor of the Lords Long Room. He feels a sense of history as he walks amongst the artifacts and paintings. But then he shudders, as he makes eye contact with Douglas Jardine's portrait.
He emerges into the sunshine and he knows he's got to have a good day with the bat if Australia are to have any chance to save the match. As he approaches the crease, Kevin Pietersen winks at him.
Umpire Aleem Dar gives him a middle and leg guard, and he scrapes his guard in the ground like a donkey scratching at the dust. Beneath his helmet, he looks around at the field: three slips, gully, mid off, third man, short leg, mid on and deep fine leg.
At the end of his mark, Harmison starts his run. At first, a walk. Then a canter. Then, a gallop, with the Durham man's arms and legs flaying everywhere. Finally, the leap. Ponting hates that leap because he knows what is coming next. He presses half forward, but the ball is just short of a length, so he takes a step back. But the ball is heading for his nose. He tries to get out of the way - but fails. Then he feels the agony as the ball presses his right thumb onto the handle of his bat. He squeals in pain as the ball flies high into the off-side. "Catch it!" goes up the cry.
At gully, a Swann is in full flight. Leaping high to his left, he clutches at the ball: but in the tension of the situation, he grasps too greedily, and is only able to parry the ball into the air. But Alastair Cook at the third slip is alive to the situation, and he takes an easy catch. Ricky Ponting realises his fate and walks sadly back to the pavilion, his hand still wringing.
---
Back in the field, now. 5:20 pm. Australia have just about scrabbled past the England total with a scrappy fifty from Michael Hussey, but now in the final evening, England are chasing a modest target of 36 to win the match. But Australia have, at least, made in-roads into the England innings, with Hilfenhaus sending Cook and Bopara back to the pavilion in the first over. But now, Pietersen is making short work of the remaining runs, and England just need three runs to win.
As Ricky stands at slip, Nathan Hauritz stands at the end of his mark, tossing off-spinners to himself. How Ricky wished he had access to Shane Warne; he was a great leg-spinner, and even if did have a problem with flatulence, he was great to have round the dressing room. As Hauritz trotted in, Ricky realises he is day-dreaming and tries to focus. He stares hard at the disco-lights attached by Pietersen to the back of his bat, which caused so much controversy during his first innings 158.
Hauritz floats the ball up. As he does so, Pietersen brings his right leg round into the stance of a left-hander. But this is no switch-hit: it is something new. He reaches forth to play a reverse shovel-sweep, and lifts the ball over Ricky's head at slip. Ricky sees the Duke emblem on the ball as it flies past his nose, but he is too slow. The ball has flown past him and the crowd cheer as it goes over the rope for the final time. England have won by eight wickets.
---
6:30 now, and Ricky is in the post-match press conference.
"Hard luck Ricky. But where did you think Australia lost it?" asks Jonathan Agnew.
"Well firstly, I would like to congratulate England on their performance. After an aberration in Cardiff, it is now obvious that they are better than us."
"Do you think you will make any changes in personnel for the Third Test Match?" presses Agnew.
"I will keep pestering Warne to come out of retirement, but it's a long shot. He is being paid a lot of money by Sky."
---
It is now 11:45, and apart from Brett Lee's snoring, all is quiet in Ricky's dormitory.
He is just drifting off to sleep, when he hears a muffled but tinny rendition of Waltzing Matilda coming from beneath his pillow. His 'phone is ringing. Dreading another late night rollicking from Kevin Rudd, he answers.
"Who is this?"
"Sorry to disturb you Ricky, it's the Australian Embassy. I'm afraid we've got a problem. Mitchell Johnson's been picked up by the police. Apparently he had a few too many tinnies at the Walkabout, saw a Sky Sports poster of Kevin Pietersen on the tube home and just started laying into it. First he started abusing it, then he really lost it and started kicking and punching it. He's really lost it. I don't suppose you could come and pick him up from the police station?"
"OK, I'm on my way."
He lies back on his pillow, closes his eyes and thinks of Tasmania.
Saturday 4 July 2009
Old friends
As the clean sun plays down on the captains, Ricky Ponting calls wrongly, and Andrew Strauss decides to bat. The captains announce the following teams:
England: Strauss (*), Cook, Bopara, Pietersen, Collingwood, Prior (+), Flintoff, Broad, Swann, Anderson, Panesar
Australia: Hughes, Katich, Ponting (*), Hussey, Clarke, North, Haddin (+), Warne, Johnson, Siddle, Clark
Asked about the inclusion of a certain SK Warne, Strauss shrugs his shoulders and just says "Oh, we found out this was coming last month. We've been practising against Merlin all morning. That whole business about the Sky commentating contract was a cover set up by Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch is, after all, Australian."
"How did you know?" asks Nasser Hussain, who is conducting the interview for Sky.
"Well, Murdoch's got an Australian accent."
"Actually Andrew I was wondering how you knew Warne was making a comeback."
"I can't tell you that without endangering the lives of British operatives working overseas."
In any event, a few moments later the England skipper is facing up to a steamed up Mitchell Johnson. With his partner in crime Peter Siddle, Johnson makes early incisions into the England batting line up, and by 11:30, England seem to be in a precarious position at 30-2, with Ravi Bopara and Kevin Pietersen at the crease. And in that unhappy circumstance, what worse sight could there be but to see Shane Warne mark out his run up? But at 12:00, the bleach-blonde tells Ponting he is "knackered", and goes off to put his feet up. The England men hold firm until lunch; as Andrew Flintoff helps himself to a second helping of bangers and mash, England are on 88 -2. The afternoon session sees more runs to the increasingly bold England batsmen, but thirty minutes into the session, Bopara prods forward to an away swinger from Johnson and is caught by Ponting at slip. It is Paul Collingwood's turn to bat.
But it is not the Durham carrot-top who walks out. Instead, the crowd cheer as they see a familiar lope to the crease. The commentators are confused. As he reaches the crease, the tall batsman chirps "Afternoon boys" with a suggestion of a Yorkshire accent in his tone. But Ricky Ponting is in no mood to exchange pleasantries.
"What the hell are you doing out here? Paul Collingwood's name was on the teamsheet Andrew Strauss gave me this morning."
"Yes, that's me."
"No it's not. You're not Paul Collingwood, you're Michael Vaughan."
"You probably remember me as Michael Vaughan, but I changed my name to 'Paul Collingwood' by deed poll last week. Andy Flower and I hit upon the name change thing as a way of giving you guys a surprise. I just couldn't resist one last test match. Aren't you pleased to see me again after all this time?" asks the former England skipper.
"Michael, you can't..."
"My name's not Michael."
"Sorry, Paul, you can't do this. You retired last week."
"Like Shane Warne retired last year, you mean?"
After an ECB statement explaining the situation, the TMS pressbox decide that to avoid confusion with the batsman more usually known as Paul Collingwood, he should be known as "The Batsman Formerly Known As Vaughan", or "TBFKA Vaughan" forthwith. In any case, he and Pietersen prosper against increasingly rattled Australian bowling, and England close the day on 355-3 (Pietersen 135*, TBFKA Vaughan 106*). A good day's work.
The second day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
The third day is met with more promising weather, but the Australians are unsettled. They have only arrived ten minutes before play, as the team bus from the Youth Hostel was delayed by a flock of Herdwicks standing in the road just outside Cardiff. As the sun rebounds off the dewy outfield in the lead up towards the start of play, there is another surprise for the Australians: in a highly aggressive move, England have declared on their overnight total.
Once again, the Australians are rattled, and it is not long before Phillip Hughes skies a Stuart Broad bouncer into the waiting hands of Monty Panesar. The ball spills out as he trips over his shoe-laces, but it somehow remains lodged in his trousers, and the batsman is given out. 13-1 becomes 15-2 as in the next over, Ricky Ponting edges Jimmy Anderson to Flintoff at second slip. So it goes on, and at lunch, the Australians are on 66-6. Could they miss the follow on? Surely not.
As the afternoon session opens up, Anderson continues to attack the Australian batting, now represented by Haddin and Siddle. But Siddle shows the Australian top order how it should be done, and Anderson tires. Strauss gestures for Graeme Swann to join Panesar in the bowling line up, and the rewards are immediate. No wicket falls, but Swann's second ball bites and turns to strike an agonised Haddin in what may be delicately described as the "nether regions". It becomes clear the Australian neglected to put his box back on when he came back out after lunch. Whoops, Bradley.
The Australian wicket-keeper bravely soldiers on, but unwilling to make the same mistake twice, he plays at a Panesar delivery that should properly have been left. Strauss makes a difficult catch at slip look easy. Haddin's dismissal unlocks the door to the Australian lower order; they have no answer against the clever spin of Panesar and Swann on a crumbling pitch, and they are finally dismissed for a very poor 123. Strauss decides to enforce the follow on.
Second time round, the Australian batting is a little more robust. Hughes and Simon Katich bat well to score 119 for the first wicket, but Broad again dismisses Hughes, and in the following over, Panesar's arm-ball sinks Ricky Ponting. By the close of play, the Australians are precariously positioned at 136 for 2. England need another eight wickets; their counterparts need another 96 runs, but that's just to make the Englishmen bat again.
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
Happily, the fifth day is bathed in a beautiful, golden, sunshine of a type which almost seems to thank the England spin bowlers for their treasured performances. For Strauss decides to open up with Swann and Panesar, and they do not take long to inflict further wounds into the Australians. Bounding in like a high jumper, Panesar is able to extract turn and bounce from the wearing Cardiff track, and even if his tricks are not enough to remove Katich, the psychological effect surely is. For he charges Panesar, misses altogether and Matt Prior removes the bails. Clarke edges the very next ball to Strauss at slip, and Marcus North is forced to defend the hat-trick ball. He just about manages that, but the next over sees him sky Swann to TBFKA Vaughan. However, just as it is looking like England will win by lunchtime, Haddin and Hussey dig in. They chip away at the deficit, and finally, the Australians are sitting fairer at 198-4 at lunch.
For the first hour after lunch, the Australians proceed without alarm. Panesar and Swann are bowling well, but they just can't find the magic ball. In desperation, Strauss turns to TBFKA Vaughan: "Paul, you were a brilliant captain in the 2005 Ashes. Now I want to become a captaincy master. Graeme Swann and Monty Panesar can't make the vital breakthrough. What must I do?"
The Yorkshireman breathes deeply through his nose and closes his eyes, crunching the lines on his forehead, and flinching his little ears. In a throaty voice, he just says "Patient you must be".
Strauss walks away in awe, and decides to keep the spinners going. And finally, Swann strikes: Hussey is half-forward to an arm-ball, the ball strikes his pad with a deathly thud, and the umpire's finger is inevitable. And Johnson follows soon later, advancing down the pitch to a Swann off-break, running right past it and seeing his stumps dismembered by the England 'keeper. Wicket after wicket follows, until finally, Australia are all out for 255.
24 to win? No problem, sir. Andrew Strauss decides to promote TBFKA Vaughan in to open the batting, as it is his final test match. With the score placed on 22 for 0, Warne hops in to bowl at the former England captain. The round Australian floats up a flighted leg-break. But it is a foot or so too full. TBFKA Vaughan presses half-forward for a moment. He narrows his eyes as he focuses. He hovers momentarily before fully committing his body weight forward. As the ball lands, the centre of his soft, wooden, blade collects the ball and catapults it through the covers. Ponting at extra cover is just too slow, and dives over the ball. Johnson sprints round from the cover boundary to try to cut it off, diving forward to intercept cricketing destiny. He just reaches the ball with his fingertips, but inevitably, his effort is not enough. The ball trickles to the boundary and the match is won.
As the batsmen meander back to the pavilion, against the red sun setting down to rest over the pavilion, the Welsh crowd rise in unison to salute a departing warrior. They say nothing, but the message is clear: thank you, Paul, for being one of the greatest batsmen of your age, and one of the greatest test captains ever.
England: Strauss (*), Cook, Bopara, Pietersen, Collingwood, Prior (+), Flintoff, Broad, Swann, Anderson, Panesar
Australia: Hughes, Katich, Ponting (*), Hussey, Clarke, North, Haddin (+), Warne, Johnson, Siddle, Clark
Asked about the inclusion of a certain SK Warne, Strauss shrugs his shoulders and just says "Oh, we found out this was coming last month. We've been practising against Merlin all morning. That whole business about the Sky commentating contract was a cover set up by Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch is, after all, Australian."
"How did you know?" asks Nasser Hussain, who is conducting the interview for Sky.
"Well, Murdoch's got an Australian accent."
"Actually Andrew I was wondering how you knew Warne was making a comeback."
"I can't tell you that without endangering the lives of British operatives working overseas."
In any event, a few moments later the England skipper is facing up to a steamed up Mitchell Johnson. With his partner in crime Peter Siddle, Johnson makes early incisions into the England batting line up, and by 11:30, England seem to be in a precarious position at 30-2, with Ravi Bopara and Kevin Pietersen at the crease. And in that unhappy circumstance, what worse sight could there be but to see Shane Warne mark out his run up? But at 12:00, the bleach-blonde tells Ponting he is "knackered", and goes off to put his feet up. The England men hold firm until lunch; as Andrew Flintoff helps himself to a second helping of bangers and mash, England are on 88 -2. The afternoon session sees more runs to the increasingly bold England batsmen, but thirty minutes into the session, Bopara prods forward to an away swinger from Johnson and is caught by Ponting at slip. It is Paul Collingwood's turn to bat.
But it is not the Durham carrot-top who walks out. Instead, the crowd cheer as they see a familiar lope to the crease. The commentators are confused. As he reaches the crease, the tall batsman chirps "Afternoon boys" with a suggestion of a Yorkshire accent in his tone. But Ricky Ponting is in no mood to exchange pleasantries.
"What the hell are you doing out here? Paul Collingwood's name was on the teamsheet Andrew Strauss gave me this morning."
"Yes, that's me."
"No it's not. You're not Paul Collingwood, you're Michael Vaughan."
"You probably remember me as Michael Vaughan, but I changed my name to 'Paul Collingwood' by deed poll last week. Andy Flower and I hit upon the name change thing as a way of giving you guys a surprise. I just couldn't resist one last test match. Aren't you pleased to see me again after all this time?" asks the former England skipper.
"Michael, you can't..."
"My name's not Michael."
"Sorry, Paul, you can't do this. You retired last week."
"Like Shane Warne retired last year, you mean?"
After an ECB statement explaining the situation, the TMS pressbox decide that to avoid confusion with the batsman more usually known as Paul Collingwood, he should be known as "The Batsman Formerly Known As Vaughan", or "TBFKA Vaughan" forthwith. In any case, he and Pietersen prosper against increasingly rattled Australian bowling, and England close the day on 355-3 (Pietersen 135*, TBFKA Vaughan 106*). A good day's work.
The second day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
The third day is met with more promising weather, but the Australians are unsettled. They have only arrived ten minutes before play, as the team bus from the Youth Hostel was delayed by a flock of Herdwicks standing in the road just outside Cardiff. As the sun rebounds off the dewy outfield in the lead up towards the start of play, there is another surprise for the Australians: in a highly aggressive move, England have declared on their overnight total.
Once again, the Australians are rattled, and it is not long before Phillip Hughes skies a Stuart Broad bouncer into the waiting hands of Monty Panesar. The ball spills out as he trips over his shoe-laces, but it somehow remains lodged in his trousers, and the batsman is given out. 13-1 becomes 15-2 as in the next over, Ricky Ponting edges Jimmy Anderson to Flintoff at second slip. So it goes on, and at lunch, the Australians are on 66-6. Could they miss the follow on? Surely not.
As the afternoon session opens up, Anderson continues to attack the Australian batting, now represented by Haddin and Siddle. But Siddle shows the Australian top order how it should be done, and Anderson tires. Strauss gestures for Graeme Swann to join Panesar in the bowling line up, and the rewards are immediate. No wicket falls, but Swann's second ball bites and turns to strike an agonised Haddin in what may be delicately described as the "nether regions". It becomes clear the Australian neglected to put his box back on when he came back out after lunch. Whoops, Bradley.
The Australian wicket-keeper bravely soldiers on, but unwilling to make the same mistake twice, he plays at a Panesar delivery that should properly have been left. Strauss makes a difficult catch at slip look easy. Haddin's dismissal unlocks the door to the Australian lower order; they have no answer against the clever spin of Panesar and Swann on a crumbling pitch, and they are finally dismissed for a very poor 123. Strauss decides to enforce the follow on.
Second time round, the Australian batting is a little more robust. Hughes and Simon Katich bat well to score 119 for the first wicket, but Broad again dismisses Hughes, and in the following over, Panesar's arm-ball sinks Ricky Ponting. By the close of play, the Australians are precariously positioned at 136 for 2. England need another eight wickets; their counterparts need another 96 runs, but that's just to make the Englishmen bat again.
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
Happily, the fifth day is bathed in a beautiful, golden, sunshine of a type which almost seems to thank the England spin bowlers for their treasured performances. For Strauss decides to open up with Swann and Panesar, and they do not take long to inflict further wounds into the Australians. Bounding in like a high jumper, Panesar is able to extract turn and bounce from the wearing Cardiff track, and even if his tricks are not enough to remove Katich, the psychological effect surely is. For he charges Panesar, misses altogether and Matt Prior removes the bails. Clarke edges the very next ball to Strauss at slip, and Marcus North is forced to defend the hat-trick ball. He just about manages that, but the next over sees him sky Swann to TBFKA Vaughan. However, just as it is looking like England will win by lunchtime, Haddin and Hussey dig in. They chip away at the deficit, and finally, the Australians are sitting fairer at 198-4 at lunch.
For the first hour after lunch, the Australians proceed without alarm. Panesar and Swann are bowling well, but they just can't find the magic ball. In desperation, Strauss turns to TBFKA Vaughan: "Paul, you were a brilliant captain in the 2005 Ashes. Now I want to become a captaincy master. Graeme Swann and Monty Panesar can't make the vital breakthrough. What must I do?"
The Yorkshireman breathes deeply through his nose and closes his eyes, crunching the lines on his forehead, and flinching his little ears. In a throaty voice, he just says "Patient you must be".
Strauss walks away in awe, and decides to keep the spinners going. And finally, Swann strikes: Hussey is half-forward to an arm-ball, the ball strikes his pad with a deathly thud, and the umpire's finger is inevitable. And Johnson follows soon later, advancing down the pitch to a Swann off-break, running right past it and seeing his stumps dismembered by the England 'keeper. Wicket after wicket follows, until finally, Australia are all out for 255.
24 to win? No problem, sir. Andrew Strauss decides to promote TBFKA Vaughan in to open the batting, as it is his final test match. With the score placed on 22 for 0, Warne hops in to bowl at the former England captain. The round Australian floats up a flighted leg-break. But it is a foot or so too full. TBFKA Vaughan presses half-forward for a moment. He narrows his eyes as he focuses. He hovers momentarily before fully committing his body weight forward. As the ball lands, the centre of his soft, wooden, blade collects the ball and catapults it through the covers. Ponting at extra cover is just too slow, and dives over the ball. Johnson sprints round from the cover boundary to try to cut it off, diving forward to intercept cricketing destiny. He just reaches the ball with his fingertips, but inevitably, his effort is not enough. The ball trickles to the boundary and the match is won.
As the batsmen meander back to the pavilion, against the red sun setting down to rest over the pavilion, the Welsh crowd rise in unison to salute a departing warrior. They say nothing, but the message is clear: thank you, Paul, for being one of the greatest batsmen of your age, and one of the greatest test captains ever.
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