Hijacked

After their lucky win against Northamptonshire, Australia converge on Birmingham with their spirits high. And who can blame them, as the sun beams down on a flat Edgbaston track?


"We'll field" decides Ricky Ponting, after winning the toss.


"Surely that can't be right on a flat deck in the blazing sunshine, Ricky? You do remember what happened in 2005?" queries Paul Allott, who is covering the toss for Sky Sports.


"Well, I know it's right. Because back in my hotel room last night, I had a visitation from the ghost of Don Bradman, and he told me I should definitely field. It was the most amazing experience of my life; I never knew the Don had a mackem accent."



As Shane Warne angrily explains to Sky viewers that this is another "s**thouse decision from a s**t-for-brains captain", Paul Collingwood sits in the England dressing room sniggering.



In any case, a few moments later, Alastair Cook and Ian Bell are batting, Andrew Strauss having decided to move down to three in a reshuffle of a batting order. The change in place seems to suit Bell, as he crafts a series of Johnson half-volleys to the cover point boundary. Ponting changes the bowling around. Between overs, Siddle snarls at Bell like a hungry veloceraptor, but the Englishman is undisturbed and England are attractively placed at 121-0 at lunch.


Things don't get much better for the Australians after lunch. Cook edges Nathan Hauritz to Brad Haddin soon after the break, but Strauss is a more than adequate replacement; 210-1 at tea. Meanwhile, Siddle has lost it, and questions the parentage of each of Strauss, Bell, Ponting and both umpires, all in the space of ten minutes. Bell departs to Hauritz immediately after reaching a triumphant hundred in the evening session, and shortly afterwards, Strauss, Ravi Bopara and Collingwood fall to the new ball in what Jonathan Agnew calls a "mini-collapse"; nevertheless, Matthew Prior and Andrew Flintoff see out the rest of the day, and England are well placed at 345-5.


The weather of the second day is every bit as wonderful as that of the first. After a few minutes, Flintoff is batting with a bead of sweat, as he clouts a series of unworthy deliveries from Johnson to the boundary to set his juices flowing. He cannot stop himself from scoring a hundred before lunch (his favourite - steak and chips). So the day proceeds, and England declare with an hour to go at 602-7 (Flintoff 188, Bell 100). There is just time for Philip Hughes to fall to a Flintoff bouncer, and for Ponting to fall lbw to an Anderson yorker. He complains to the umpire about the decision, but replays clearly show he was out.


Saturday morning is cloudy, and the overcast conditions assist the English swing bowlers. Mike Hussey and Simon Katich play well to keep them out, but after half an hour, Hussey plays no shot to an Anderson in-swinger, and umpire Doctrove raises his finger. Michael Clarke edges the next ball to Flintoff at second slip, and suddenly, Australia are at 78-4. But incoming batsman Shane Watson keeps the England bowlers out until lunchtime.


An ECB press release at Saturday lunchtime explains that Flintoff's knee has worsened, but he intends to play on. After lunch, he shortens his run up to five paces, but still keeps his pace above 90 mph. After three overs, he finally breaks through, making a steepling ball rise into Katich's fingers. The ball flies to Alastair Cook in the gully, and Katich is forced to depart after a composed 68. Once again, one leads to two; and two leads to three, and finally, Siddle has his off-stump uprooted, and Australia are all out for 278. With an hour and a half to go, Strauss decides to enforce the follow-on.


And then the Australians defy the principle that a team following on usually bats better than the first time round. It's not long before they are facing certain defeat at 30-5. Haddin and Clarke dig in, but when they are both snaffled by Flintoff, and when Anderson cleans up Hauritz and Siddle in successive deliveries, it looks as if England may finish the job in three days. But at 79-9, the clouds draw in and the last two Australian batsmen gratefully accept the light. Surely, though, it will not take England long to win on the fourth day.

But overnight, a storm rolls in from the Welsh hills, and in its tail lies hours of persistent drizzle. This is especially unfortunate for Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who decided Sunday would be the best day to be seen at the cricket. He spends the whole day looking miserably across the ground as the rain continues. He wonders to himself why people enjoy cricket so much.

Brown comes back on Monday, but the weather is still poor. Again, drizzle wipes out the morning session. There is some anxiety building in the England dressing-room, who know they need just one more wicket - but can they get out on to the pitch to take it?

Finally, the rain stops at 3:10, and Steve Rouse's team burst into action. Squeegy machines are lorried in from the county grounds at Worcestershire, Nottinghamshire, Leicestershire and Northamptonshire to support the operation. It's a race against both time and elements; but after an epic effort by the groundsmen and a final inspection by the umpires, it is decided that just three overs of play will be possible on the final day.

But oh no: what is this? Another press release from the ECB; Flintoff's knee has worsened. He is unable to run at all. The press release reads on: as he has carried the knee injury into the match, Ponting has declined the England management's sensible suggestion of a substitute fieldsman, so they have decided Flintoff will have to field at slip.

At the resumption, all nine fielders crowd around Johnson. Jimmy Anderson is given the first of the three overs. His very first ball is an in-swinger which strikes Johnson on the pad; but Umpire Doctrove declines the vociferous appeal. The rest of the over passes harmlessly, frustratingly, outside the off-stump. The next over is given to Graeme Swann, but the closest he comes to a wicket is an edge off Hilfenhaus' bat which lands just in front of slip.

At the end of the over, Prior throws Flintoff the ball for him pass on to Anderson, so that he can bowl the final over. But Flintoff does not pass it on; he has decided to bowl himself. He cannot run, so has to stand rooted at the return crease, using his immense upper body strength to bowl at any pace. Johnson is surprised by the pace of his first ball, at 85.7 mph, but he can let it go outside the off-stump. The second and third are quicker, but Johnson can defend. The fourth ball hits 90 mph. The ball strikes Johnson's pad, but Flintoff's appeal is curtailed when he realises the ball has pitched outside the off stump. Amazingly, off no run-up at all, Flintoff bowls the fifth ball at 93 mph. Johnson flails outside the off stump, but the ball just misses his bat. One more ball to go now.

Flintoff goes to Strauss, and explains that he thinks he can manage his full run-up for just one ball. One final effort to bring victory to England. He charges in, raises his arm, and that's it, he bowls. The ball passes outside Johnson's leg stump, through to 'keeper Prior. Johnson celebrates the draw, but as he tries to shake hands with Cook at silly-point, he sees Umpire Doctrove's arm out. No ball. One more delivery to go.

Flintoff comes in again. This time the ball is straighter. Johnson follows the line of the ball, but as it pitches, the ball deviates off the seam. It catches the inside edge of his bat, and knocks out his off stump. Flintoff is stunned; Johnson is stunned. They look into each other's eyes in silence. But the moment is brief, and no sooner has the connection been made, than Flintoff is mobbed by his teammates.

Later on, Gordon Brown smiles as presents the nPower man-of-the-match award to the Lancastrian colossus.

"And now, Andrew, here is your cheque for £5,000 from nPower. But I have a special surprise for you" smiles the prime minister.

"A crate of Boddingtons?" responds an excited Flintoff.

"No" says Brown, gesturing with a waft of his arm to the sky to the West of Birmingham. And at that moment, a red helicopter comes through the sunset. It flies quickly in, and lands on the sodden Edgbaston outfield. The pilot jumps out and opens the door. Gingerly, out steps Her Majesty the Queen. She approaches Flintoff.

"Right, let's get this over with. Down on your knees, please" she orders Flintoff.

"But I haven't done anything to deserve this!" pleads the Lancastrian.

"Cut the cr&p, fat boy. I don't want to do this any more than you do, but it's the Prime Minister's wish and royal protocol requires me to do what he says. I don't need to tell you what happened to the last person who disobeyed the Monarch."

Flintoff finally acquiesces and kneels before her. Her Majesty draws a sword from within her frock and taps him on both shoulders. As the crowd roars, she says those fateful words: "Arise, Sir Andrew!"