Desperate times call for desperate measures

"We've got to find a way of getting Ponting back."

Things are not looking good in the Manchester Youth Hostel, on Wednesday night. The Australian team management are meeting in the television room.  Michael Clarke and Darren Lehman are both clear on the need for changes to the Australian line-up, but they both know that they do not have the power of selection.  Calls are put in to John Inverarity, but he is not budging.

Clarke and Lehman get increasingly angry, but in the background, vice-captain Brad Haddin is distracted; he is watching Escape to Victory.  

"I've got an idea," he says, with his face lit up.

The next morning, Chris Rogers, Ed Cowan, Phil Hughes and Ashton Agar have all suffered broken arms, without apparent explanation, and in their place, Michael Hussey, Ricky Ponting, Simon Katich and Fawad Ahmed are all recalled to the Australian side.  Unfortunately, in the confusion someone forgot to check that flights were available, so the Australians are forced into the first day with just seven players.

Graciously, Alastair Cook lets the Australians bat first after winning the toss, in the hope that the Australians can get a full crew together.  Unfortunately, they have lost all of their six available wickets by 2:15, with the score on just 117 (Anderson 6-16, Clarke 42*). The seven men of Australia field bravely for the remainder of the day, but England are clearly well placed at 273-0.

Fawad Ahmed makes it through customs at Manchester Airport to take the field on the second day. He is brought on to bowl the first over.  His first over goes for 13, his second goes for 16, and that is his bowling done for the day. Just after lunch, England declare on 501-2 (Cook 251*, Taylor 154*), as Agar look on disconsolately from the Australian balcony, arm in sling.

However, Australia bat commendably in their second innings, and by close of play, Australia are on 200-2 (Ponting 108*, Hussey 56*). The pitch has flattened out somewhat, and under the summer sun of August James Anderson and Stuart Broad are unable to get the ball to swing.

But the dye is cast, and when Monty Panesar traps Ponting leg before wicket in the first over on Saturday morning, a cascade of wickets inevitably tumbles. Katich follows the ball after Ponting, and within 16 overs, Australia have been bowled out for 241 (Panesar 4-102, Swann 4-102).

The end

In a show of strength, Andy Flower announces that England have an unchanged team, two days ahead of the start of the Second Test Match at Lords.  Similarly, Australia pick the same eleven, despite some infantile stories in The Sun regarding Ashton Agar's time at Henley-on-Thames.  

Australia win the toss, and looking down at a dry surface, they elect to bat first. James Anderson looks tired, and after four fruitless overs he is replaced by Steven Finn. Finn bowls well, and a tired looking Chris Rogers edges to Alastair Cook, who is looking tired at first slip.  But Ed Cowan bats solidly, and with the brutal strokeplay of Shane Watson, sees Australia safely to lunch with the score on 90-1. Graeme Swann - looking somewhat weary - is able to dismiss Watson just after lunch, but in increasing temperatures, Watson and his captain Michael Clarke start to get the upper hand in front of an increasingly concerned English crowd.  Finally, Cook throws the ball to Ian Bell, having mistaken him for Anderson, following a mix-up with the England captain's contact lenses.  

What follows causes Clarke recurring nightmares, which strike him at irregular intervals for the following three years, before he finally discovers the link between eating asparagus and the nightmare.  The first ball of Bell's over is pitched up, but just as Clarke readies himself to clobber it over extra cover, it grips the pitch, hesitating a little.  Surely, the ball strikes Clarke's bat, but far from flying over extra cover, it flies up to the waiting hands of Joe Root at mid-off.

This proves the catalyst for a batting catastrophe.  Furious after seeing an article in the Sydney Morning Herald suggesting he is tall but rubbish, Finn bowls faster and faster, peaking at 93.2 mph as Australian after Australian is dismissed in a ruthless spell of 6-6-7-7.  Just before tea, Australia are bowled out for 156. 

In an unremarkable innings, England take a day and a half over notching 421. Bell continues his fine form with a cultured 134. Clarke blows both of Australia's DRS reviews on speculative leg before wicket appeals off Peter Siddle's bowling; only later does he admit that he is doing it to keep Siddle's sense of injustice fully primed, so that he may bowl ever more angrily. 

In her second innings, Australia bats well in the first instance; Watson is out on the first ball of the innings, but Rogers and Cowan bat well on a wearing pitch. 

But when - in a bid to puzzle the Australians - Cook asks Root and Kevin Pietersen to bowl in tandem, England strike in subsequent overs.  The Australians then fold, over the course of another six over spell from Finn; this is the end for them.  There is no future now.

Trent Bridge

"I like the globe, that flashes red like our Krypton sun, but not that irritating noise." says Steve Smith in the Nottingham Youth Hostel, as his alarm clock rattles away.

"Oh shut up," responds Michael Clarke, "I'm sick and tired of your General Zod impersonations. It wasn't funny the first time and it isn't funny now.  Anyway, Zod eventually lost his battle with Superman, and we want Australia to be a team of winners."

The Australian captain opens the curtains.

"Oh sh!t, the sun's shining.  Everyone out of bed - time for the team song".

"Isn't Teammates wearing a bit thin now, after four years?"

"Nonsense.  Any more of that talk and you'll be sent back to Australia with Darren Lehmann. He didn't last long because he didn't sing the song properly. Come on everybody."

"Teammates. 
Everybody needs good teammates. 
With a little understanding
You can find the perfect friend.
Teammates
Need a little understanding..."

*****

It's a 11.05, and after interim coach Julia Gillard has moaned about the naming of the Larwood and Voce stand, England captain Alastair Cook has put a worried looking Carl Rogers and Shane Watson into bat.  Rogers is facing up to James Anderson.

Anderson commences his run, breaks into a trot before arriving at the crease, a perfect mixture of balance and aggression.

He uncoils, releasing the ball to Rogers; the ball is on a length, a fraction outside off.

Rogers shapes to play, but is uncertain.  There is no foot movement, just a movement of the hands towards the ball.

The ball catches the outside edge of Rogers' bat, and flies to Graeme Swann at second slip, at waist height.

Rogers thinks about waiting for the umpire's decision, before realising it is blindingly obvious that he is out.  Slightly embarrassed by his behaviour, he trudges off towards the pavilion.

*****

It's ten minutes before tea on the second day now, and with Kevin Pietersen on 253* and England on 552 for 3, in response to Australia's 128, it seems only a matter of time before England declare. Fawad Ahmed is bowling, trying to improve on his disappointing figures of 21-0-190-1.

"One wicket brings two" says Brad Haddin.

Ahmed bowls. It is a waist high full toss.

"I don't mind if I do" says Kevin Pietersen, and swipes the ball in a magnificent parabola into the heights of the Larwood and Voce stand, for yet another six.

*****

"Australia are in some disarray," remarks Jonathan Agnew, with Australia on 92 for 5 in their second innings "they'll need Steve Smith to make a fool of himself slogging the England pacemen for a quick 32 if they are going to make it into the third day"

"Kneel before Zod."

*****

As ECB Director of Operations Alan Fordham quickly issues a press release, apologising to Saturday ticketholders for being foolish enough to start the match on a Wednesday, when Australia would obviously lose within three days, Alastair Cook happily celebrates his team's innings and 280 run victory in front of a crowd boasting David Cameron, David Beckham and Andy Murray. 

James Pattinson approaches the England captain, reading about his brother Darren in the Playfair Cricket Annual. 

"My brother was apparently English.  Does that mean I can play for England in the next match?"

"No."