Trent Bridge

"I like the globe, that flashes red like our Krypton sun, but not that irritating noise." says Steve Smith in the Nottingham Youth Hostel, as his alarm clock rattles away.

"Oh shut up," responds Michael Clarke, "I'm sick and tired of your General Zod impersonations. It wasn't funny the first time and it isn't funny now.  Anyway, Zod eventually lost his battle with Superman, and we want Australia to be a team of winners."

The Australian captain opens the curtains.

"Oh sh!t, the sun's shining.  Everyone out of bed - time for the team song".

"Isn't Teammates wearing a bit thin now, after four years?"

"Nonsense.  Any more of that talk and you'll be sent back to Australia with Darren Lehmann. He didn't last long because he didn't sing the song properly. Come on everybody."

"Teammates. 
Everybody needs good teammates. 
With a little understanding
You can find the perfect friend.
Teammates
Need a little understanding..."

*****

It's a 11.05, and after interim coach Julia Gillard has moaned about the naming of the Larwood and Voce stand, England captain Alastair Cook has put a worried looking Carl Rogers and Shane Watson into bat.  Rogers is facing up to James Anderson.

Anderson commences his run, breaks into a trot before arriving at the crease, a perfect mixture of balance and aggression.

He uncoils, releasing the ball to Rogers; the ball is on a length, a fraction outside off.

Rogers shapes to play, but is uncertain.  There is no foot movement, just a movement of the hands towards the ball.

The ball catches the outside edge of Rogers' bat, and flies to Graeme Swann at second slip, at waist height.

Rogers thinks about waiting for the umpire's decision, before realising it is blindingly obvious that he is out.  Slightly embarrassed by his behaviour, he trudges off towards the pavilion.

*****

It's ten minutes before tea on the second day now, and with Kevin Pietersen on 253* and England on 552 for 3, in response to Australia's 128, it seems only a matter of time before England declare. Fawad Ahmed is bowling, trying to improve on his disappointing figures of 21-0-190-1.

"One wicket brings two" says Brad Haddin.

Ahmed bowls. It is a waist high full toss.

"I don't mind if I do" says Kevin Pietersen, and swipes the ball in a magnificent parabola into the heights of the Larwood and Voce stand, for yet another six.

*****

"Australia are in some disarray," remarks Jonathan Agnew, with Australia on 92 for 5 in their second innings "they'll need Steve Smith to make a fool of himself slogging the England pacemen for a quick 32 if they are going to make it into the third day"

"Kneel before Zod."

*****

As ECB Director of Operations Alan Fordham quickly issues a press release, apologising to Saturday ticketholders for being foolish enough to start the match on a Wednesday, when Australia would obviously lose within three days, Alastair Cook happily celebrates his team's innings and 280 run victory in front of a crowd boasting David Cameron, David Beckham and Andy Murray. 

James Pattinson approaches the England captain, reading about his brother Darren in the Playfair Cricket Annual. 

"My brother was apparently English.  Does that mean I can play for England in the next match?"

"No."