New beginnings

There is no doubt about it: Andrew Strauss' decision to take the match off, to balance out the withdrawal of Ricky Ponting, is a champion's gesture - but it now looks unwise, as Eoin Morgan comes to the crease with the score at 103-4.

He is little. As he walks past Mitchell Johnson towards the crease, the Australian thinks the Irishman is there to be pushed over by a barage of bouncers. For his part, Morgan is calm; there are 45,000 Australians pushing for either him, or his partner Ian Bell, to fail, but that doesn't really matter to him.

He knows Ben Hilfenhaus will try to exploit his perceived weakness outside off-stump. The Australian approaches the crease, his goatee beard glistening with Tasmanian sweat. He pushes the ball down the pitch, seam first; a fraction outside off-stump. Hilfenhaus has just started getting reverse swing and the ball might swing in; what should the diminutive Irishman do. He could defend - perhaps risking edging the ball to slip? Or defend - and risk losing his off-peg?

But before proceeding further, Morgan represents the truism that Hilfenhaus is a poor man's Paul Collingwood. He shuffles down the pitch, turning the ball into a half-volley, and clouts the ball over cover point to the boundary. He's away.

-----

After receiving a nod from Ponting, who has been guiding the Australian fielding display from the boundary, Michael Clarke throws the ball to Michael Beer. Not before time: against Australia's five fast bowlers, Bell and Morgan have got away and England are on 225 for 3.

Beer skips in. As his arm comes over, Bell wonders whether he should show the Australian some respect. But, the temptation proves too great to resist, and clouts Beer's first ball in test cricket straight into the Victor Trumper stand.

The ball eventually comes back to Beer. Xavier Doherty had warned him about the England batsmen. He knew it would not be easy. He skips in again, and tosses the ball slightly higher into the Sydney air. The ball lands, and spins off a puff of dust on a good length. This time, Bell is caught amidships. Neither forward, nor backwards, neither here, nor there. But this time, the ball is too good, and passes the outside edge of Bell's bat. No harm done to the England innings, but Beer has won a moral victory and proved himself a test match bowler to be reckoned with. Not Derek Underwood. Not Monty Panesar. But at least not Xavier Doherty either.

-----

Usman Khawaja asks Aleem Dar for his guard. England are on top: Phil Hughes has just been caught at fly-slip, in the first over of the Australia's reply to England's 412 all out.

"Come on boys," urges Paul Collingwood, acting as honorary captain on his final test match appearance, "he's probably better than Usman Afzaal, so let's give him the best we've got."

James Anderson's feet seem to bounce off the SCG's turf as he runs up to bowl. Then the leap; then the ball comes down. The ball is on a length, threatening the timbers and the outside edge. But in an instant Khawaja shows that he will be the one who balances the force, to guide Australia into the third golden age of Test Match Cricket. The left-handed rookie eases forward, and laconically shows the ball its path through the covers to the boundary. Back in the Sky Sports studio, the Nasser Hussain and Ian Botham chatter about the young man's bravado, but David Gower quietly smiles; it takes one to know one.

-----

In the end, Australia subside around Khawaja and are forced to follow on. They fare little better second time round, and in a result which has started to lose meaning by the time it is achieved, England defeat Australia by an innings and 43 runs. The ground is empty, but for a few thousand England supporters, as Andrew Strauss holds aloft the ceremonial replica of the urn.

At exactly that moment, an eighteen month old boy in South West London can't get to sleep. In his parents' living room, he finds his miniature cricket ball. Slightly intrigued, he picks up the ball, gripping the ball across the seam, in his index finger, second finger and thumb. He throws the ball away, but as he releases the ball England's greatest ever spin bowler rotates his wrist - just ever so slightly. He giggles, as he sees the ball bounce strangely off the carpet.

The Sound of Silence (2)

With Mark Nicholas' microphone thrust under his nose, Ricky Ponting explains that Mitchell Johnson is not playing, because this is match number four in the series, and four is an even number.

And so it is that having won the toss and decided to bat, Andrew Strauss and his opening partner Alistair Cook do not have to face the speedy left-armer on the first morning at the MCG. But even without Johnson, Australia's opening attack is fast, aggressive and splendid. It is something of a surprise, and certainly to the Englishmen's credit, that they are able to get to lunch without losing a wicket. Particularly impressive, given that they didn't know that the MCG authorities had introduced the new "Insult-a-Pom" facility, whereby Australian fans are allowed to express their opinions about the England batsmen over the MCG tannoy between overs, in return for a charitable donation of Aus$1,000 per swearword. By lunchtime, Insult-a-Pom has raised Aus$116,000, and Andrew Strauss (unbeaten on 56*) has been called a "Pommie C**t" 43 times.

After a cluster of wickets between lunchtime and tea looks to destabilise England, Ian Bell joins Paul Collingwood at the crease with the score on 196 for 4. It's a crucial time for England, and it is to the great fortune of England that Bell does not edge any of the balls he initially receives from the impressive Ryan Harris. It's attritional out there, as the horribly out-of-touch Collingwood plays edgily to the Australian medium-pacers. But by the close, he's still there, and when play ends prematurely due to bad light, England have recovered to 256-4. Bell is on 74* and has been called a "ginger c**t" 38 times; Collingwood is on 54* and has been called a "ginger c**t" 45 times.

Everyone is putting a brave face on it, but it is clear that the England team is shaken by the torrent of abuse they have received all day. But Andy Flower has a trick up his sleeve. He introduces Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy as England's new specialist sledging coach, and when on the second morning Bell starts reciting passages from Romeo and Juliet in response to Siddle calling him a "ginger c**t", Ponting pleads with him to stop. Eventually, an agreement is brokered between Ponting and Strauss: the match will be played in complete silence. Sledging has stopped.

It is a wonderful relief, but one which pays dividends for the Australians as they concentrate on bowling, rather than using unpleasant language. Bell is quickly dismissed, and England subside. Thank goodness for Collingwood's swashbuckling hitting at the end with the tail-enders. He's last out for 116 as England finally reach 372 all out.

Australia respond pretty well. Steven Finn's replacement, Tim Bresnan, bowls steadily, but is unable to oust Ponting, who refinds his form to reach a hundred. At the other end, it takes some excellent bowling from Chris Tremlett to remove Philip Hughes, then Shane Watson, then Michael Clarke. With Graeme Swann snaring the dangerous Michael Hussey, then the somewhat less dangerous Steve Smith, the match is evenly poised with the score on 249 for 6 at the close of play. Ritchie Benaud remarks on the improvement in the quality of the cricket, as the players are able to focus on their own games.

The third day is also closely, and more importantly politely, contested; in the first over James Anderson uproots Brad Haddin's off-stump, and having made that breakthrough England are able to rub away much of the Australian tail, as they subside to 272 for 9. But Siddle and Beer enjoy an annoying last wicket 50 run partnership, and the Australians are able to reach 333 all out, just ten minutes before lunch. So England hold a 39 runs lead; not a match winning advantage, but a "nice to have".

The pitch is at its very best on the afternoon of day three. England capitalise. The Australians bowl excellently, with a consistent line and length, but by trusting in the pitch the England openers are able to manoeuvre the ball into the gaps. Both are dismissed by Siddle, who has discovered that when he thinks about his cricket he actually isn't that bad, but Jonathan Trott proves the perfect counterfoil to Kevin Pietersen's imaginative, yet respectful, strokeplay. When Pietersen reaches his hundred, Ponting can't help but congratulate him. Trott shapes to give him an effeminate hug, more out of habit than inclination, but thinks better of it and just shakes Pietersen firmly by the hand. Anyway, England are now in charge of the game, on 260-2. That is precisely 299 ahead.

The fourth day is, especially unfortunately given the quality of the teams' behaviour, lost to rain.

So when should England declare? Bat the Australians into a draw? No, sir. In a sporting gesture, Strauss declares overnight. 300 to win. 3 sessions. That's 100 per session.

Australia get off to a good start, with Hughes playing well to hit a quick 50 in that swash-buckling style that he has. But Tremlett makes one rise, and Hughes is only able to guide the delivery into Anderson's hands at fly-slip. Two balls later, Ponting is caught by a flying Collingwood at third slip, in what is described by Benaud as "a splendid effort". But England have no further successes before lunch, and Australia are slightly ahead of the game at 112-2.

After lunch, the sun beats down unforgivingly on England. Strauss tosses the ball to Graeme Swann. His first over is a splendid one. He bowls two dot balls to an uncertain Shane Watson, before floating one up over the David Beckham lookalikes eye line. So uncertain, about when the ball will land. So heavy, with his foot movement. And so the ball lands, spitting off the pitch, then ricochets off Watson's gloves into Cook's hands at silly point. Then Clarke is bowled through the gate, the very next ball. The crowd waits for Michael Hussey in hushed silence. But whereas Hussey has saved the downundermen before, he fails this time: the ball bounces out of the rough, clips the outside edge of his bat and flies to Collingwood at slip.

Smith and Haddin follow quickly, and in the twinkling of an eye the Australians have fallen to 150-7. Can they meekly limp to a draw? They can't. Two overs after tea, Beer pushes forward uncertainly to Anderson, and the ball flies to Captain Strauss to slip.

The Ashes are retained, but the series is not yet won.

-----

It is the morning after England have won. Andy Flower is relaxing on the balcony of his hotel room, when his mobile rings.

"This is Bond, James Bond, from MI6 in London. We've received an intelligence report from Special Agent Hurley. You might remember we tasked her with monitoring Shane Warne's movements. Well, Warne has told her he's planning a comeback. You'd better be ready for him at the SCG."

Alice's match

Ricky Ponting wins the toss, and after the Australian team have introduced themselves to each other, it is young Philip Hughes' turn in the firing line. The England selectors have selected Chris Tremlett as Stuart Broad's replacement, but he has to wait in the queue behind James Anderson and Steven Finn to complete an excellent new ball spell, which accounts for both Hughes and Shane Watson. Ponting and Michael Clarke do well to see the Australians safely to lunch, however, at exactly 100-2.

Tremlett is given the first over after lunch. He is relaxed now. He pushes the ball into the hard pitch, just short of the length. Clarke prods forward; but the ball bounces and deviates off the seam. The ball flies to Graeme Swann at slip.

The following ninety minutes will be remembered as one of the most splendid ninety minutes in English Test cricket. In his following over, Tremlett uproots Ponting's off-stump, as the Australian unwisely leaves an in-swinger; then the tall Hampshire bowler makes the ball dance off a length, to kiss Michael Hussey's gloves on its journey to Swann at slip. Suddenly, Australia are in disarray again. And characteristically, they wilt under a hot grill of high quality England fast bowling. I won't spoil the surprise for you; suffice to say that just before tea, Australia are 143 all out (Tremlett 8-37).

Against that background, one would have thought that Alastair Cook would be entirely at ease as he opens England's response. But that is not so: it is only a few minutes since he had received an awful shock. He had opened his kit-bag, only to find a live Koala Bear - hidden there by Michael Clarke, in a characteristically coarse attempt to disturb the England opener's mental preparations. After five minutes which would not have been out of place in Laurel and Hardy, Paul Collingwood had caught the beast, and the England team had christened the animal Alice. But Cook is a decent man and, oh God! - he had heard Merv Hughes and Mike Gatting discussing whether they could barbecue her. England security supremo Reg Dickinson had assured Cook that he would look after her, but as waits for Mitchell Johnson, he cannot help but be concerned about Alice's well-being.

Johnson is approaching the crease now; but as he enters his delivery stride, Alice's friendly looking face jumps into Cook's mind. Cook pulls away, forcing Johnson to abandon the ball. Cook is in trouble, in turmoil. His head tells him England must comes first, but in his heart he is only thinking about Alice. He is not sure he can continue batting, but then something happens which will change the face of Ashes' cricket forever: the Channel Nine cameras zoom in on Alice, safely perched on England analyst Gemma Broad's lap, cheerfully tucking into a carrot. Cook sees this on the big screen and is immediately reassured. He knows that Alice is safe, and it's no surprise when in the last over before the close of play, he clips Beer through the mid-wicket to reach his third hundred of the series. As he returns to the dressing room to cuddle a delighted Alice, England have long surpassed Australia's score and are on 190-2.

England have a splendid second day of the Test Match. It had become clear the previous day that Beer was an awful bowler, but nevertheless Ponting persists with him againsgt Kevin Pietersen. It is Pietersen's pleasure, as he plays an exhibitionist innings full of flair, pleasure and destruction, eventually getting stumped on 212 trying to break the world record for the biggest six. England end the day on 434 for 6 (Pietersen 212, Cook 111).

They might well have scored more, but the day is, in fact, brought to a premature close by an unexpected tropical storm which strikes Perth. The storm continues: and day three is, unfortunately, lost to rain. It is horrible weather. After lunch, Ponting takes Strauss to one side. The Australian suggests that the match should be abandoned, so that the Barmy Army members waiting patiently in the stands can get into the dry. But Strauss is having none of it. He explains that many England supporters are from the North, where it often rains and it is almost always cold. They are hardy souls. But with the weather worsening, he agrees after that the teams and their supporters should return to their respective hotels. Alice is hugely relieved to return to the Hotel Splendid. She is very frightened by the lightning, particularly when a thunderbolt hits the pavilion and causes Ricky Ponting's name to explode on the electronic scoreboard.

The weather is formidable overnight, and whilst the sunshine has returned by the morning, play is impossible on day four as the groundsmen clear up the mess.

At 10:30 on the morning of the fifth day, Umpire Taufel declares that the pitch is playable. Strauss immediately declares, leaving the Australians trying to bat out the final day to secure a draw. Hughes fails again, but this time Ponting is more successful, playing Tremlett with the talent that has guided him through his immense Test Match career. He and Michael Clarke are able to guide Australia to 104-2. Surely it'll be a draw?

But the match is thrown into turmoil for the Australians once again, just after lunch. Clarke is a superb player of spin, but Swann is able to bowl him through the gate, in a triumph for the former Northamptonshire twirler. Hussey fails again, edging Swann to slip, and suddenly Ponting finds himself batting with Brad Haddin. Haddin is able to keep Ponting company, but just before tea he falls lbw to a ball that keeps low from Tremlett. The scoring is slow, but surely Australia can't lose from 210 for 5 at tea?

The tensionometer edges a little higher, though, as Steve Smith is dismissed after tea - six down now - but Johnson and Ponting are able to bat out a further fifteen overs. They also push ahead the scoring rate. The match is almost up, then, as Anderson and Finn take the second new ball. It does the trick: Johnson simply misses a swinging full-toss from Anderson and is out lbw, and Beer proves he is no better with bat than ball, as he edges the following ball to Anderson to Strauss at slip. When Peter Siddle is bowled by Steven Finn, the Australians know they are in trouble: there are seven overs left, with England just having one wicket to claim. But Ponting is at the other end, hitting out in order to try to make England bat again.

One over to go now. One wicket to get. James Anderson bowling. Australia three runs behind: England will not have time to bat again, so if Ponting can hit a boundary, the match will be drawn. Anderson runs in, and bowls an in-swinger. The ball clips the inside of the bat, and narrowly misses the leg-stump. Finn is charging round the boundary to stop the ball from going for four, but it is too far for him. Surely the ball will go for four, and the match will be drawn?

But what is this? Alice has escaped from the England dressing room, and has run onto the outfield. She is eating her way through one of the many apples which the Australian supporters have thrown at Ian Bell, when the ball strikes her on the backside. The ball stops dead, just inside the boundary rope. Finn hurls the ball back to Matthew Prior, who whips the bails off to run out Ponting, who is celebrating at the other end of the pitch.

The umpires consult, and ask the third umpire to check that Alice's tail was not touching the boundary room when the ball hit her. Eventually, it is concluded that the ball has not gone for four, and England have won by an innings and two runs. Alice runs to her master, Alastair Cook. Her bottom is quite sore, but England's new heroine feels much better for a cuddle.

Decisions, decisions

Mark Nicholas on Channel 9 asks Ricky Ponting whether he wants to bat or bowl, after winning the toss.

He's is in pensive mood. It has only been two days since he had appeared on Australia's genealogy television show Who do you think you are, mate?, and they had revealed the truth about his great-great-great grandfather. Not Captain Cook, as his mother had always told him, but a criminal shipped out from Tilbury after being convicted of illegal gambling. It had been a blow.

After a quick glance at the pitch, with glades of grass as green as Greendale, he errs on the side of boldness and decides to bat.

-------

Five minutes after lunch, on the second day. Australia batted well, but were dismissed for 363 by an impressive English bowling attack, just before the close of the first day's play. Now, the pitch is drying out and England have batted well. Ian Bell, promoted to open in Alastair Cook's absence, has batted fluently for his 76. Strauss is looking calm at the non-striker's end, and England are well placed on 105-0.

The plan agreed at lunchtime had been to open with the seam bowlers - but Xavier Doherty had bowled well in the nets before start of play, dismissing Ponting himself three times. So on a hunch, no more than that, Ponting pulls off Ryan Harris and throws the ball to Doherty.

Doherty limbers up, pitching the ball into the Adelaide sunshine, with a flick of the fingers to give the ball a burst of electric spin. Bell's eyes narrow a little. A moment grabs him. The temptation grabs him. He moves out of his crease, raising his bat like a knight at Agencourt, ready to chop down a Frenchman. The ball pitches. The ball turns. Bell swings widly at it. Bell misses it. Haddin fumbles the ball, and the stumping chance is gone, like a handful of dust blown away in the Autumn breeze.

Ponting knows he is in trouble, through little or no fault of his own.

-------

It's crisis time for Australia as Ponting comes to the crease for the second time: this time just before tea on the third day, in response to England's enormous 517-1 (Bell 332*, Strauss 140).

He is tired: emotionally and physically the Ashes are already taking their toll on him. Cricket is all he cares about; but this is not going well. Simon Katich has just been caught by Strauss at slip, and from the television footage available to the Australians in their dressing room he already knows that Stuart Broad is bowling with pace, bounce and aggression. Ponting knows he is vulnerable, and knows that if he is dismissed, Australia may collapse.

Broad bounds in, with that long face, so poignant to Australians who suffered at his father's hands in the '86-'87 series. Approaching the wicket now, leaping into that long delivery stride. Ponting pushes forward, but there is a click as the ball catches the shoulder of the bat. Is this the end for Ponting and Australia? Ponting flicks his neck round to see the path of the ball. And he lives to fight another day: the ball passes high over the slips' head, as Broad stomps his feet like an angry donkey.

-------

Monty is thrown the ball by Strauss, but he is dog tired. It's just after tea on the fourth day, now, but with only six wickets down and with rain predicted for the fifth day, a draw now looks a likely outcome. Ponting's superb 186 stood in England's way for most of the day, and now Brad Haddin and Doug Bollinger have blocked out the three lions for over half an hour. Is there anything Monty can do?

He is unsure of what to do; and having dropped that catch off Graeme Swann's bowling to give Ponting a reprieve on 21, he is feeling the pressure. The Australian supporters jeer his every move, and he knows this should be his time. The big opportunity: unexpectedly called up because of Cook's illness just before the start of the test, and now failing to deliver.

But Kevin Pietersen can see the spinner is looking down, and decides to get behind him, in an unusual sense of the phrase. He grabs the spinner's backside in order to gee him up. The crowd laugh as Panesar jumps. But his shock at his teammate's over-familiarity is sufficient to break the vortex: and somehow, somehow, he lets go, forgetting his nightmare, forgetting the "coaching", forgetting the criticism. He decides to let the ball talk for him, and produces the best bowling display of his life.

-------

The match has gone now. England have won by eight wickets. The crowds have gone, and the Australian team are packing their bags.

In a quiet corner of the dressing room, Ponting is drinking a can of Castlemaine XXXX, because that is what Australians do. He's exhausted now, there is no more. He asks himself whether he should accept the suggestion made by The Adelaide Times that he should away the captaincy to Shane Warne.

Decisions, decisions.



(PS. NWS would like to apologise for the late delivery of this prediction. To explain, it is simply because NWS got confused about when this test match was starting. Easy mistake to make.)

Australia is a foreign country; they do things differently there

"Good God," remarks Alistair Cook to Andrew Strauss as they walk out to bat in the Woolloongabba sunshine. The two batsman look at the Australian team's haircuts, agog. Short at the front. Short at the side. Short on top. Long at the back.

"We're all taking part in 'Muvember'," explains Ricky Ponting, "the idea is that ordinarily sensible Australians grow mullets for charity in the month of November. Would you like to sponsor me?"

"Er, no thanks" replies Strauss.

He takes Cook to one side, and tells him not to be taken in by the Australians' duplicitous attempts to put them off with their Wham! barnets. But the England batsmen react in different ways, and whilst Cook retreats into "the zone", as the Sky commentators puzzlingly describe it, Strauss is visibly upset. It's not long before he snicks a lifting delivery from Doug Bollinger to Michael Clarke at slip.

That brings Jonathan Trott to the crease. He bats steadily until the teams pause briefly to eat lunch, over Neighbours. Inspired by the happy news that Scott and Charlene have got back together, Cook resumes after lunch with gusto, expressing himself against the latest Australian spin sensation, Xavier Doherty. At the other end. Trott bats steadily until tea. Cook is eventually stumped on 113, shortly after tea, but Trott bats steadily after tea to reach his own hundred. At stumps, the tired Australians are forced to applaud Trott and Kevin Pietersen as England close on 357 for 2.

The next day is a bleak one for Australian cricket. Trott bats steadily, but Pietersen demonstrates that Doherty is no better than Steve Smith, Jason Krejza, Nathan Hauritz, Beau Casson, Bryce McGain and Brad Hogg. There are possibly others who I can't remember that he's no better than; that's how bad it's got. Anyway, Pietersen retires on 332, out of respect for Graham Gooch's 333, but England declare at the close of play on 727 for 7.

The third day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

So England have two days to bowl the Australians out twice; can it be done? Ricky Ponting is having none of it. He settles in, playing splendidly against the excellent England quicks. Even Graeme Swann and surprise selection Monty Panesar are unable to disturb him. He bats and bats, but at the other end, wickets fall at regular intervals. Still, at close of play, with the score on 404 for 4 (Ponting 202*), a draw does seem likely.

So it is a relatively sparse crowd which turns up on the final day. By 11:30, Australia have reached 453 without any further loss. Finally, though, Ponting pads up to a straight one from Panesar. He is out lbw, but more significantly, and to the astonishment of the English media, he declares, still 274 runs behind. As Ponting walks off the field, a confused Mark Nicholas asks him why he has declared behind the follow-on total.

"Well mate, the Pommies got 727, and if you take 200 off that the follow-on target must be 427...oh hang on...oh no..." Ponting says, scratching his head. Shane Warne, who is visiting the Australian dressing room, has his head in his hands as Strauss duly enforces the follow-on.

The result is that England have 82 overs to bowl out the Australians again. Stuart Broad makes early inroads, uprooting Simon Katich's leg-stump, and trapping Ponting leg before wicket the following ball. Right spirited cricket lovers, of whatever nationality, can only feel sad for the diminuitive Australian, who cuts a sad figure as he leaves the field. But the Australian supporters don't see it quite that way and chant "You're extraordinarily stupid" as he walks off.

The England bowlers are also unforgiving too, and continue to progress against the somewhat downhearted Australian batsmen during the course of the day. By tea-time, with 42 overs remaining to be bowled, the Australians are in a bad position at 198 for 8.

But the Australian is a tough character, and Mitchell Johnson and Bollinger are fighting a battle for their captain and country. On a dying pitch, Panesar and Swann bowl splendidly, but the Australian southpaws stand their ground. Only with 12 overs to go does Swann finally get Bollinger to glove a frustrated bouncer to Paul Collingwood at slip.

That just leaves the injured Ben Hilfenhaus to bat out the last 12 overs. But oh no - what is this? He has runner - Ricky Ponting, wanting to do the right thing for his country.

What, Richie Benaud asks his viewers, could possibly go wrong?


PS. (Please see Benaud's post-match reaction to Ponting's premature declaration in the box to the right, courtesy of youtube. Interestingly, he made some very similar comments when Trevor Chappell bowled his underarm ball to Bruce McKechnie at the MCG in 1981. How history repeats itself.)

And in the naked light I saw ten thousand people maybe more

Andrew Strauss, resplendent in a blue blazer, lobs a smart one pound coin into the late summer sky.

"Heads," speculates Salman Butt. The sun bends round a tuft of cloud, and flickers off the sterling as it dances through the London air. Down it comes, and Mike Atherton peers down. He thinks he can sees the queen's portrait and asks Salman what he wants to do. But Salman looks down at the coin slightly quizzically.

"I want to ask my friend Andrew here what he wants to do - you're mistaken, Athers, it's tails" he honestly responds.

Somewhat taken aback, Strauss graciously thanks Salman for his honesty, and says that he will bat. A few moments later, Strauss makes the welcome announcement that England are ditching their fibreglass fabric topic and are reverting to traditional woollen jumpers. This produces a standing ovation from the entiry of the busy Lords crowd.

With steely eyes under a steely coloured sky, the England captain faces up to Mohamed Asif's big swinging fast-dobbers a few moments later. It's difficult to avoid perceiving all that is good about cricket, as Asif bounds in, bowls a splendid in-swinger to the left hander, but is met with a polite forward defensive.

And in that mould, the morning rolls on. Asif and Amir bowl well, but with considerable skill and good old fashioned British pluck, the English openers keep them out. And whilst Amir is finally able to conjure up a slower ball which snares Alistair Cook after lunch, the elegant Jonathan Trott is able to keep Strauss company throughout the afternoon. After Strauss reaches his century, shortly after tea, he splendidly removes his helmet to salute the Lords crowd. Like a Roman gladiator towering over a bloody lion, he stands in the Autumn sun accepting the crowd's adulation, his mighty sword of truth (that's his bat) in one hand and his shield (the helmet) in his other. "Isn't he splendid?", whisper a number of females in the crowd, so quietly that their jealous husbands miss their words.

Trott is bowled by a nicely flighted doosra from Saeed Ajmal. Indeed, so impressed is he by Ajmal's delivery, that Trott graciously shakes Ajmal's hand as he leaves the pitch. But incoming batsman Kevin Pietersen has the mastery of the Pakistani spin bowling, and uses his feet in a virtuoso display in the late evening sun. Thwack! Clump! Boof! By the time he walks past those rickety old park benches in front of the pavilion at the close of play, he has reached his fifty and England look well in control at 366-2.

Friday is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

This is much to the disappointment of the many females who have thronged to the Lords ticket office, in the hope of catching just another glimpse of Captain Strauss and his loyal lieutenant, Pietersen. Disappointed, the females instead congregate at St. John's Wood Recreation Ground, which may even exist, for a public meeting. Unanimously, they resolve to form the "Female England Cricket Supporters Association". What a compelling sport cricket is.

Happily for FECSA's inaugural members, Saturday is a brighter day and play starts on time. There is talk that England may play for a draw, but Captain "Marvel" Strauss is having none of it. He is determined to round off the England summer, such as it has been, with a victory. And in that spirit, he and Pietersen accelerate their strokeplay. Skillful though the Pakistani bowling is, they cannot do anything about the England batting, and it must be a relief to them when Strauss finally declares at 500-2 (Strauss 258*, Pietersen 126*) in order to get the game moving. James Anderson and Stuart Broad bowl an excellent opening spell, but Imran Farhat and Salman are able to keep them out with a combination of good fortune and deft strokeplay. The cricket is a joy to watch. But it becomes nirvanal when Graeme Swann is tossed the ball, and starts to bowl. It is difficult to describe how splendid his bowling is; suffice instead to say that it is no surprise to anyone when the Chairman of the Arts Council announces in the tea break that finger spin is to be recognised as a form of artistic expression. Not before time.

Meanwhile, over at White Hart Lane, the half-time tea break is disturbed by a strange occurrence. After 45 minutes of excess from twenty-two adults behaving like children, one supporter speaks to his friend, above the crowd's defining chants. He asks what his friend can hear. At first, his friend looks puzzled, but after a moment's thought he says:

"The sound of silence"

Without saying a further word, both men collect their coats and leave the ground. Then, other supporters follow them. Soon, the entire crowd has filed out, and marches towards Lords. Desperate for intelligent sport. Hungry for an education. They know it's time to watch some cricket. Not all of them can squeeze into Lords, and some think that £60 is a bit steep, but the disappointed thousands watch in awe as a club match unfolds at the St. John's Wood Recreation Ground. Up and down the country, similar scenes unfold as football grounds empty and cricket grounds fill.

Back at Lords, Swann has unwound the fabric of the Pakistan innings and when they are finally all out for 222, Strauss asks them to follow on. By the close, Anderson has dismissed Farhat and Butt, and Pakistan are sitting precariously on 22-2.

Sunday is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

That leaves the question of whether Pakistan can bat out Monday. They make a gallant effort - but will it be enough? It's hard not to admire their resolve, as the England quick bowlers pound away on an increasingly unreliable pitch. Mohamed Yousuf hits an excellent hundred, and when he is dismissed before tea, England think that victory is within their grasp. But Kamran Akmal holds them up, with an annoying fifty.

In the end, it comes down to the last over of the day. Pakistan are nine down, but they are on 276. There will not be time for England to bat, so if Pakistan can score three runs, the match will be drawn. Swann is bowling, and he floats a ball up to Akmal. He chips the ball through mid-wicket. Akmal and his batting partner Asif scamper one. Akmal turns, and sprints back. Is there time for a third? Substitute fielder Alex Wakely fires the ball in from deep mid-wicket, and the ball clips the stumps as Akmal tries to make his ground. Onfield umpire Tony Hill refers the matter to third umpire.

The players turn to the big screen. Suddenly, the background to the screen flashes red: "OUT". But Kamran Akmal is happy enough: after all, he completed two runs, and was only run out attempting a third, so he thinks the match must have been tied with the scores level. But oh no: what is this? Third umpire Daryll Harper has radio'd out a message to Umpire Hill. Replays have shown that Akmal did not touch his bat in on his first run, and sure enough, Hill taps his right shoulder to signal one short...

...so what is the result?

The Secret Diary of Kevin Pietersen, aged 30 and a quarter

Monday 16th August

Been ringing round the counties following Andy Flower's announcement that I have to be join a county. He didn't specifically say that Minor Counties was out of the question, but I'd better play it safe. Middlesex seem to be interested, but to be honest, I'd rather go to Northamptonshire. It seems to be the hotbed for young cricketing talent, although they don't have quite as many South Africans as they used to, which could be a disadvantage.

Tuesday 17th August

Build up to the Oval Test Match. I have to stay at the team hotel at Kennington, which seems a bit silly when I live in Chelsea, but Andy says I have to go there to build up the team spirit.

Training at the ground was BRILLIANT. We did nets as usual, and I wasn't batting at all well, but then Andy had a brain wave. He set up Merlyn to bowl as Ashley Giles, so I could practice range hitting. It did me the world of good and now I am hitting it cleanly again. Can't wait to get going in the Test.

Wednesday 18th August - The Third Test Match, Day One


I'm in big trouble with Andy and Andy. I woke up and forgot the match was starting today - and, in fairness, who has ever heard of a test match starting on Wednesday? - and I just thought that today was another build up day. So I only arrived at the ground at 10:50. Luckily, Andy realised I was stupid, had worked out what was going on, and left me on the team sheet.

Anyway, it was a good day for England. Aren't they all nowadays? Andy won the toss, decided we would bat on a lovely strip against lovely bowling. Unfortunately, Cookie was out for a duck - bit of a worry, his form - and Trotty didn't fare much better. When I got to the crease at 11:32 it wasn't looking great. I wasn't feeling great, either, especially after my run-in with Andy, but then I thought back to my time against Merlyn yesterday. I felt much better, and started hitting Mohamed Asif about a bit. Talking about Asif - what is going on with that guy's hair? Anyway, it came off, and by the time I was out for 158 after tea, trying to see if I could hit the ball into the face of Big Ben, England were looking pretty good at 345 for 4. By close Colly had got to his century, and England closed on 389 for 5.

Thursday 19th August - The Third Test Match, Day Two


It was my turn to drive Graeme Swann to the ground today, and I think my good form may have rubbed off on him. He certainly bowled well after Andy declared on 602-9. Firstly, he got Farhat out padding up. Then, our "fish's bottom" sledge to Salman Butt finally paid off - he charged down the wicket, cried "Geronimo", took a wild swing and got himself stumped. I'd call him an idiot, but let's face it, who am I to talk? Anyway, the rest of the Pakistani batting line up rolled over like a pack of cards. What is it that the French say: plus ca change? Unfortunately, I'm not clever enough to put the cedilla under the "c" in "ca", but you get the idea.

Mohamed Yousuf batted pretty well in the evening session. I feel it may well have been the beads he wove into that magnificent beard of his. If only Andy would let me grow my beard back.

Friday 20th August - The Third Test Match, Day Three


Another good day. I LOVE playing for England!

Andy made them follow on after we eventually bowled them out for 324 - with that man Yousuf scoring a hundred. Second time round, they looked a bit demoralised and had subsided to 104-5. Credit is mainly due to Stuart Broad. When he gets his run-up right, his bowling is a joy to behold: his action has expert timing, he bowls as fast as lightning and, fielding behind the stumps, it can be a little bit frightening.

There was one embarrassing moment just after lunch - wee Jimmy was bowling like the wind, and Shoaib Malik played at the ball. Behind the stumps, I could swear we all heard a click as the ball passed the bat, and sure enough my drinking buddy Simon Taufel stuck his finger up. But Malik reviewed it, and remarkably, Hot Spot showed that the noise we all heard was Alistair Cook breaking wind at silly point.

Saturday 21st August - The Third Test Match, Day Four


We JUST got this wrapped up in time for my big night out on Saturday with Swanny and the boys. Kamran Akmal, playing as a specialist batsman, scored a big hundred and forced us to bat again. We needed to score 89 off 12 overs before close of play. Luckily, Cookie was as keen as I was for a night at "El Splendidos" in Chelsea, and hit out at the Pakistani bowlers. I think it was just what he needed, and he scored an undefeated 54. He looked dead pleased when he was walking back to the pavilion. Anyway, it was a GREAT win for the boys, and I was pleased to win the Man of the Match.

On another note, I had the strangest dream last night. It was the year 2030, and as Chairman of Selectors I was picking the squad for the Ashes Test Match at Lords. We offered a debut to a young left arm spinner who had been doing well at Northamptonshire. The only thing I can remember about him is that his initials were HJBS, and Jessica said he was good looking. I wish for the life of me that I could remember the kid's name.

Something of a let down

It's a bold decision of Waqar Younis to pick Mohammad Yousuf. He is stranded at the British Embassy in Islamabad, stuck in a tense diplomatic tete-a-tete, between the British ambassador and Imran Khan. After hours of negotiation, a deal is finally done: Pakistan's premier batsman is given a visa, in return for Mushtaq Ahmed agreeing to be the England spin coach for the next 25 years. Graciously, Andrew Strauss agrees that irrespective of the outcome of the toss, England will agree to bat first and Pakistan can field a substitute fielder whilst Yousuf arrives.

Back at Edgaston, Salman Butt's announces the changes to his team: Azhar Ali is replaced by Mohammad Yousuf, Danish Kaneria is replaced by little Raza Hasan, and in a surprise move, Mohammad Asif makes way for Waqar, who plays as a player-coach. As Salman explains, Waqar can still match the 75 mph achieved by Asif at Trent Bridge, and he's a better bowler.

On a pitch offering generously swing, Waqar is able to trap Alistair Cook, leg before wicket in the second over. And could this be trouble for England, as Jonathan Trott snicks Mohammad Amir to waiting gloveman Kamran Akmal? Well, it's Kevin Pietersen time, and he responds well to the challenge. Belying the silly suggestions that he might be dropped, he clubs the Pakistani seamers around the Birmingham ground, reaching his half-century before England lunch at 111-2.

Shortly after lunch, little Raza Hasan receives a boost as he is offered his first bowl in Test Cricket. His first over is, however, not a happy affair: Strauss hits three boundaries, including a towering six over mid-wicket, to take 14 off the over. And oh no - what is this? Pietersen is facing Raza's next over, and the Sky lipreadometer is able to decipher him saying to Strauss "I'm going to hit the little guy's first ball into Lincolnshire."

Nervously, Raza limbers up. One step, then two. He reaches the crease and tosses the ball up, as if making a sacrificial offering to batting lord Pietersen. The Anglo-African steps forth to give the ball the clout of its life. One step, then two. Ball meets batsman. Batsman meets ball. Pietersen takes a huge swipe...but he misses and 'stumper Akmal has him out, stumped, defeated by his own conceit.

By close, England have reached 346 for 4 (Strauss 146, Collingwood 85*).

-----

"Final call for passenger Yousuf, travelling on Flight 385 to London."

Mohammad Yousuf escapes the clutches of the journalists, and scurries to the Departure Gate. He is on course to reach Edgbaston by lunchtime on the second day. He boards the plane and finds his seat. He waits. He waits. He waits. The pilot speaks on the intercom, explaining that due to an unexpected engine fault, the plane will not be able to take off.

-----

The second day is a disheartening day for the tourists. By lunchtime, the fluency of Paul Collingwood and Eoin Morgan has ruled out any possibility of a Pakistan victory. The only question is whether the Pakistanis can save the game. England eventually declare after Morgan has shimied his way to his maiden double century. 656 is a lot of runs. Waqar may have taken 5 wickets, but after 31 overs, he's pretty tired.

The Pakistan innings gets off to a miserable start, and in a bitter replica of their performance on the previous Saturday evening, they find they have lost three wickets in only eight overs. James Anderson makes Salman look slightly foolish, but reasoning that Mohammad Yousuf will arrive overnight and will be able to bat twice, the Pakistani skipper knows there is still hope.

-----

Exhausted but relieved, Mohammad Yousuf knows he is finally on his way as his plane leaves from the Islamabad runway. However, the flight encounters unexpected wind, and is forced to divert to Cairo to refuel. When a sirocco grounds all flights out of Egypt, he has to telephone Waqar to say he won't make Edgbaston until the fourth day.

-----

The commentators ponder which Pakistan will turn up on Sunday morning: the group of richly talented players of unrivalled flair, or the slightly pathetic lot who didn't seem to try at Trent Bridge? The answer is soon clear, as the Akmal brothers tear into the England bowlers. Pakistan are 156 for 3 at lunch. Are they finally going to make a match of it?

Unfortunately, there is a calamitous loss of wickets between lunch and tea. In all, Pakistan manage to lose 12 wickets in one session, to a combination of committed swing bowling and batsmen not trying. They manage a bit better in the evening session. But only a bit. After another cluster of wickets, they are eight down, with only little Raza Hasan and the absent Mohammad Yousuf remaining. Little Raza holds out for six overs, but then pads up to a straight one from Graeme Swann. England appeal. The finger goes up. Have England won?

There is some confusion, because it is at exactly that point Edgbaston is hit by a thunderstorm and play is immediately suspended. The umpires claim that as Yousuf was not present when the wicket fell, Pakistan had completed their innings and were all out.

However, as the rain falls Pakistan sense a way out of the match. Imran Khan 'phones up from Pakistan, pleading with the umpires just to allow them until the fourth day to see if Mohammad Yousuf can somehow salvage the game.

-----

The sirocco has subsided, and Mohammad Yousuf is on his way. However, Birmingham air-traffic controllers are on strike, and unbelievably, his plane is diverted to Norwich Airport. There he has to wait four hours for a customs official to arrive from London.

-----

Unfortunately, the fourth day of the match is lost to rain.

The final day is a conundrum: will the rain relent and allow England to press for the elusive final wicket? Will Mohammad Yousuf's train get to Birmingham New Street in time?

The rain finally gives way to the sunshine at 4:00 pm, and to the doubt of the Pakistani coaching team, the umpires allow play to start at 5:30. That start time gets put back to 5:45, whilst groundsman Steve Rouse tries to find some petrol to start the roller. That suits the Pakistani team very well, because it is at 5:40 that Mohammad Yousuf walks through the dressing room door.

England have two overs to dismiss either Waqar or Mohammad Yousuf. Waqar faces Anderson, with a spring in his step. Waqar pushes forward, and chips the ball behind square. Morgan is forced to dive to his right, but he is able to clutch the ball to save it reaching the boundary. Eager to remain positive, Mohammad Yousuf calls Waqar for a single. Waqar says no, but against the painful background noise of a Pakistani vuvezela which was smuggled into the ground, Mohammad Yousuf does not hear him. Morgan flips the ball back to Anderson, who whips the bails off. Mohammand Yousuf is run out without facing a ball.

Brotherly love?

People who do not enjoy Test Match cricket often do not understand that cricket is a metaphor for life itself. On the other hand, cricket lovers are blessed with an appreciation that the question of a whether good will ultimately score more runs than evil is a question of philosophy as deep as that ultimate question - what is the meaning of life?

It's a sunny day at Trent Bridge, as Salman Butt calls correctly, and decides that Pakistan should bat first. He hopes that Danish Kaneria will be able to obtain turn and bounce in the final innings. But it isn't long before he regrets his haste to bat, as Stuart Broad gets one to lift past his nose. He manages to get his gloves out of the way and survives, but at the other end, Imran Farhat is less lucky, nicking James Anderson into the gloves of the waiting Matt Prior. But Azhar Ali shows why he is highly regarded with some attractive strokeplay. Despite all that, it's a quiet first session, and Pakistan are reasonably well placed on 78-1 at lunch.

The clouds close in during the lunchbreak, however, and when they take the field after a round of sandwiches, England's bowlers get much more assistance from the conditions. Salman Butt is the first to perish; he chops on an in-dipper from Steven Finn. The next over sees Azhar Ali dismissed by Broad: away swinger, pitched up, prod forward, indecisive foot movement, click of ball against edge, deviation to first slip, diving Graeme Swann, jubilant Broad. Umar Amin follows the following over, and two overs later Shoaib Malik is dismissed by a catch from a leaping Collingwood that rolls back the years.

However, the Akmal brothers aren't known as the most annoying cricketing brothers since Mike and David Hussey for no reason, and using a series of fresh air drives and niggles to the leg side, Kamran and Umar Akmal are able to keep out the England bowlers. Tea comes, tea goes. Eventually, at close of play, the two little men have restored parity to the game with the score at 248-5 (Umar Akmal 78*, Kamran Akmal 78*).

The second morning is overcast and there is much talk about how England's bowlers will take advantage of the swing available. But the Akmal brothers adopt the Steve and Mark Waugh model to lose their wickets. After adding just three to his overnight score, Umar goes for what the Sky Sports commentators call a "suicidal single". Unhappily, Kamran does not respond, and the brothers are left facing each other at the non-striker's end. There ensues a bitter argument between the two of them about which of them is out, and eventually umpire Simon Taufel has to mediate by flipping a coin. Kamran is the unlucky man. With an inter-Akmal argument going on in the dressing room, the Pakistani lower order is able to offer scant further resistance and England are able to dismiss the Pakistanis for 298 (Akmal 81, Akmal 81).

Happily for them, the Pakistani bowlers bowl splendidly, and for some time there is real doubt about whether England can even achieve the follow-on total of 98. Mohammad Aamer bowls with pace and hostility, and is able to make batsmen of the calibre of Andrew Strauss and Kevin Pietersen look slightly foolish. England's lowest ebb is at 35-5, whereupon Matt Prior joins Eoin Morgan at the crease. Prior approaches Morgan mid-pitch.

"So remind me, how do you spell your first name again?" asks the Sussex 'keeper.

"Maiden mhaith. Breathnu ar an scorchlar." replies the diminutive Irishman.

Morgan and Prior bat beautifully together. There is initially a little confusion in the running between the wickets, when Morgan calls "Fanacht" and Prior does not understand, but that is soon resolved and they run as one. Sometimes, cricket transcends international boundaries.

Anyway, both score hundreds, and although Prior is out trying just before close of play trying to hit Danish Kaneria into the River Trent for a second time, it's England who are in charge on 303-6 (Prior 124, Morgan 118*).

Three is said to be the magic number, and the third day's play at Trent Bridge is indeed splendid. First, we should applaud the brave and innovative batting from England in the morning. Congratulations in particular to Northamptonshire born spinner Graeme Swann, on his first test match hundred, scored off 72 balls. With three overs to go before lunch, England finally declare on 478 for 8, some 180 runs ahead.

Salman and Imran survive those first three overs, but both fall in the first over after lunch from Stuart Broad. Umar Amin is able to put up good resistance with Azhar Ali, and by tea time they are both playing with a flair reminiscent of Javed Miandad. After tea, Ali is undone by a clever slower ball from Paul Collingwood which flies to Morgan at point, and Amin is bowled through the gate next over from Swann. When Shoaib Malik nicks the ball on to his pad and the ball flies to substitute fielder Rob Newton, it seems that Pakistan's only hope of cricketing salvation lies once again with the brothers Akmal. Remarkably, there is a run-out action replay: this time, Kamran calls Umar for a quick single and Umar is beaten by a smart throw from Collingwood. Conspiracy, fate or just coincidence? You decide. Anyway, Pakistan are six wickets down, and just six ahead, when the sun goes down on Saturday night.

What makes Pakistan bat so well on Sunday morning? It may be that they were given a heavy team talk by their coach Waqar Younis, or it may be that they are inspired by their former teammate Shahid Afridi's maiden performance on Strictly Come Dancing. In any case, they perform splendidly, and whilst they lose wickets occasionally, they are able to score 156 runs in the session. With Danish Kaneria the final man to go on the stroke of lunch, England are set 162 to win.

Mohammad Asif and his floppy hair has little difficulty getting the best out of the pitch, and there is little surprise when he induces Alastair Cook to prod forward, such that he edges the ball to slip. But Strauss and Jonathan Trott are able to guide England to victory. The Pakistani supporters and their vuvuzelas are silenced as England press home their advantage, until finally, at 3.02 on Sunday afternoon, Jonathan Trott caresses a leg break from Kaneria into a gap on the off-side to score the winning runs.

The man of the match award is given to Eoin Morgan for his excellent innings. As he picks up his award, he takes the microphone from Nasser Hussain and says "Go raibh maith agat, Nasser."

Meanwhile, down in South West London, the greatest bowler of all staggers on his toes towards the television set. He looks intrigued as willow thwacks against leather. He turns to his father and smiles. He is only 13 months old. He has no idea what greatness he will achieve; he probably has no idea even what cricket is. But the countdown to the 2030 Ashes series has begun for this little boy.

Raindrops keep falling on my head

"Heads!" cheers Shakib al Hasan as Andrew Strauss tosses the King George VI gold sovereign into the bright Manchester sky. But as Sir Ian Botham peers down toward the coin as sits on the pitch, he sees the rear end of the former monarch looking back at him. It's tails, and Strauss decides he will bat. His joy is nevertheless short-lived, for the first drops of rain fall upon the Old Trafford pitch just a few moments later, whilst Strauss imparts to Ryan Sidebottom the sad news than Ajmal Shahzad has won Tim Bresnan's place in the team. It's not long before the Pennines disappear behind a wall of cloud every bit as black as the New Zealand team's one-day kit, and at 11:15 Billy Bowden and Rudi Koertzen decide to abandon play for the day.

Hoping against home, the teams reconvene the next morning. Unhappily, the previous day's downpour has led to damp patches on the bowlers' run ups. Shakib maintains he doesn't mind because his team don't have any proper quick bowlers anyway, but Umpire Bowden's mind is made up, and play is only able to start at 3:15. In the penultimate over before tea, the Bangladeshis are able to make a breakthrough, as Alistair Cook plays Shahadat Hossain onto his stumps. The forces of boredom are given a boost as Jonathan Trott, bless him, walks out to bat. He and Strauss bat out a wholly uninspiring evening's cricket, with England leaving the field on 126-1.

The third day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

The fourth day offers a splendid day's cricket. The cricket gods have somehow got the better of meteorological fate. Strauss is inspired by the weather, and tells Trott to retire out, in order that Kevin Pietersen can accelerate the England innings. Pietersen is, however, out first ball to Shakib al Hasan's left arm darters, but Eoin Morgan uses his Gaelic charms to spirit a quick fifty. At the other end, Strauss reaches his hundred in under an hour, England declare on 276-1.

The England bowlers come out firing. Shahzad is a bowling sensation, achieving pace and bounce on his Test Match debut. Even Tamim Iqbal, who in 2013 will surpass Brian Lara's record 400" in a magnificent innings at the Gabba, is unable to keep the Yorkshire quick out. At lunch, things look ugly for the Bangladeshis at 35 for 5. The ground clouds over after lunch, and batting becomes impossible for the Tigers. They are eventually bundled out for a miserable 69. Surely, Strauss will enforce the follow-on?

Indeed. But this time, the Bangladesh batting line up perform much more successfully. Although Tamim is out first ball, Junaid Siddique and Imrul Kayes bat sensibly to defy England until tea. 56-1. Although Siddique is trapped in front by one of Trott's little dobbers, Mohammed Ashraful defies the commentators who have said he is a Flash Harry, by producing an innings of calm certainty. However, with Kayes have dropped anchor as well, the Bangladeshis are unable to make significant progress againsst the first innings deficit. And at close of play on the fourth day, Bangladesh are still 144 runs bebind.

There is much speculation amongst the commentators about whether England have the firepower to bowl out the Tigers once more. Unfortunately, we will never know, as the fifth and final day is lost to rain. The match is drawn. Captain Strauss graciously collects the delightful Habibul Bashar Trophy, which is awarded to the winner of each series between England and Bangladesh.

But back in London there are dark moves afoot to prevent this type of rain-soaked debacle in the future. In a back office in Whitehall, new Minister for Sport Hugh Robertson smiles, as he puts the finishing touches to the Cricket (Prevention of Rain Delays) Act 2010, which will ban any future Test Matches from being staged at any venue north of Edgbaston.

Crime never pays

Tamim Iqbal: what a splendid player he is. After Shakib al Hasan calls correctly, he opens up against lanky England paceman Steven Finn. Finn gets one to rise outside off-stump, and Tamim effortlessly guides the ball into the crowds behind third man Eoin Morgan. This is the foretaste of an innings of innocent magnificent from Tamim, and he is richly applauded as he reaches his century on the last ball before lunch. 167-1.

His stay after lunch is short-lived, though, as Graeme Swann is able to trap him in front of middle, as he attempts a reverse scoop-sweep. The procession of batsman following his dismissal is reminiscent King George VI's funeral, as Bangladeshi after Bangladeshi plays inadequate shots against aggressive bowling from the England seamers. By teatime, 167-1 has morphed to 219-7.

But at tea time, something happens that will change the course of cricketing history. In the Lords Room, the England players applaud, as unveiled is a beautiful portrait of Mike Gatting helping himself to some Victoria Sponge. But it is not that which is important: back in the changing rooms is mischief is undertaken. Mohammed Ashraful has smuggled in some special chilli powder, and empties the entire pot into the pasta bake eaten by the England bowlers. Within seconds of tucking into their fodder, the fast bowling thoroughbreds are reduced to tears. Even Tim Bresnan, with his big tummy, is unable to resume the field of play.

After Bangladesh coach Jamie Siddons admits he was behind the prank, Rule 168.27 of the Laws of Cricket is instigated. Keen followers of cricket will know this reads:

"If any player knowingly interferes with the gastrointestinal tract of an opposition player then he shall be guilty of an offence, and five penalty runs shall be awarded to the opposition team."

This has the interesting effect that England start their innings before the conclusion of the Bangladeshi innings. But the joy of that paradox, and indeed the award of five runs, is scant reward for an England team denied its premier bowlers. After trying Ravi Bopara, Ian Bell, Kevin Pietersen and Alistair Cook, Andrew Strauss turns to Morgan in desperation. Morgan admits he hasn't bowled before, but says he will have a go. He limbers up, with a fluid motion, and releases the ball with a mild tweak. The ball grips on the pitch and catches the edge of Ashraful's bat. The ball leaps to silly point, and England are on their way again. In the next over, Bopara finishes off the Bangladesh innings, at 267. England amass 43-1 before the day is closed by bad light. Andrew Strauss is outwitted by Rubel Hussain, despite the Bangladeshi's increasing irritation at being called "Barney" by his teammates.

Friday is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

Saturday is, however, splendid. Under the brilliant sunlight, the Tigers' bowlers struggle to maintain a consistent line and length, and Ian Bell milks boundary after boundary. Try as they might, the Bangladeshis are unable to contain him. The cameras zoom into his face, and Sky lip-readers observe him repeatedly saying "I may have ginger hair, but if I work on my game I can be at least as good as Ricky Ponting". It later transpires that this is part of his new hypnotic treatment to improve his confidence. Anyway, it works: by teatime he has guided England pass Bangladesh's score, to 302-2.

They say that a child born on the Sabbath Day is bonny and blithe and good and gay. But there is nothing of that nature in Sunday's play at Lords. What a miserable day of play it is, as Abdur Razzak continuously fires the ball from outside the leg-stump into the England batsmen's pads. Most of the England batsmen play safe, and it is only Kevin Pietersen who can find a way to combat the tactic, with his innovative reverse cover drive. But England grind their way to a sizable first innings lead: they eventually declare exactly 300 runs ahead of Bangladesh on 567-7, just after tea. An early close is caused by more bad light without Bangladesh losing any wickets.

So, it's the final day. Monday morning. Can England take the ten wickets needed to win victory at headquarters? How will the England bowlers claim their revenge against Ashraful's dastardly behaviour? Will David Cameron visit Lords? How many wickets will Eoin Morgan take, with his newly developed left-arm spinners?

So many questions.

So few answers.

NWS - An Apology

It will not have evaded any of Next Week's Scoreboard's esteemed readership that this website did not cover the England Tour of Bangladesh, which took place earlier this year.

This post intends to both apologise for and explain the omission.

NWS is aware that this omission will have upset - perhaps even unbalanced - its readers. It is also aware just how many people rely on this website in order to plan their televisual viewing. With all that in mind, NWS is truly sorry for not previewing the two test matches in question. It will not happen again (well, certainly not until the next time, anyway).

The national press has tried to explain why this happened. Michael Atherton in the The Times thought it was a protest against Bangladesh holding Test Match status, whilst The Telegraph interpreted NWS' silence as a statement that a prediction of a Test Match involving Bangladesh was unnecessary. On the airwaves, Jonathan Agnew on TMS thought it could have been because the writer of NWS had moved house and didn't have access to a computer, whilst Nasser Hussain on Sky said it was because he was admitted to hospital for a hernia repair. The on-screen graphics demonstrating the operation looked painful.

Whilst there is some truth in all four of these explanations, a far more serious concern was at the heart of NWS's failure to publish. NWS has always been aware of its responsibility not to disturb the space-time continuum by letting the players know in advance what is going to happen in the matches in which they play.

But now, a new peril has become known to NWS. It transpires that illegal bookmakers have been relying on the accuracy and clarity of NWS' predictions to make huge sums of money. This was discovered after William Hill reported irregular betting patterns to NWS, following the conclusion of the South Africa tour. Happily, close cooperation between NWS, the ECB and the Indian Police led to the successful conviction last week of the ringleader of an illegal betting circle in Mumbai.

(Naturally, NWS couldn't publish this apology any earlier, as that could have prejudiced the court case.)

Anyway, now the villains are behind bars, roll on the Bangladesh Tour of England, 2010.

Changes

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself" - Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist and mystic (1828-1910)

"'Underprepared' is how I would describe this pitch," comments Sir Ian Botham, explaining to the already tortured Sky viewers just how difficult it will be to bat on a green Johannesburg track, "and any captain worth his salt will want to bowl first on this. He'll be asking his bowlers to aim at this area, just short of a length, where you can see a bloom of mushrooms has grown under the plastic covers."

Well, Graeme Smith is worth his salt as captain, and when Andrew Strauss calls incorrectly, he does indeed insert England. Smith sneers as Strauss looks him in the eye, thanks him and adds that he is looking forward to a good match. Smith goes back to his dressing room and tells Morne Morkel and Dale Steyn that he wants to hear Alastair Cook squeal with pain.

Smith's plan bears fruit very quickly. Strauss and Cook defend as well as they can, but debutant Wayne Parnell rattles Strauss' stumps with a ball that holds its off-stump line. Well done that lad: Wasim Akram would have been proud of that ball.

Cook follows the next over to a good one from Steyn, and Kevin Pietersen is brought to the crease. As he plays and misses his first three balls, he is left to reflect that the angry mob of young men who tormented his walk through the tunnel to the crease could just as easily be a metaphor for the demons running around his head.

"Out here, we either fight or we die" says fellow batsman Jonathan Trott. Pietersen pauses a moment, and then stops shaking. He walks back to his mark to face Steyn once more. The ball is on a length just outside on off-stump; the audience pause to see if he will play or leave. But a moment later they gasp, as he gets down on one knee, and sweeps the ball for six, in the style of England one day great Malachy Loye. As the ball flies through the thin air, the anxiety is almost visibly seen to leave Pietersen, like a cloud passing from a granite Welsh hilltop. By lunch, England are on 147-2 (Pietersen 85*, Trott 32*). Smith berates his bowlers.

Although Pietersen falls soon after lunch for an entertaining 109, his innings has by itself directed the flow of the match, and by close of play, England are looking in good shape on 347-5 (Trott Pietersen 109, Trott 128, Parnell 3-48).

On the second day, the ground is abuzz with speculation, following Paul Collingwood's inflammatory comments in The Johannesburg Telegraph that he is planning to "set his stall out" and bat out for the remaining four days for a draw. The South Africans are rattled, and the Sky cameras spy heated exchanges between Smith and Mickey Arthur before play. In any event, the conclusion of Smith and Arthur's "discussion" is that the England batsmen will be surrounded by close fieldsmen. This aggressive field placings enable overnight batsmen Collingwood and Matthew Prior to get off to a flyer, scoring 74 off the first ten overs, before Collingwood eventually starts giggling and admits the whole story about batting out the match was just a wind-up. Normal field settings then resume, but England have the initiative. They press on through the day, with Stuart Broad clouting a quickfire 72. England declare on 646 for 8, with ten overs of the day remaining.

Back in the Proteas' dressing room, Smith is furious with his bowlers. But he looks slightly foolish a few moments later, when he is trapped in front by a splendid ball from Graham Onions, that dips into the South African captain's pads at the last moment. Hashim Amla cannot do anything with the next ball, which pitches on middle and leg before swinging late to glide past his defensive shot onto his off-stump. Jacques Kallis keeps out the hat-trick ball though, and the South Africans are on 32-2 at the close of play. Back in the dressing room, Kallis jokes with Smith that even if Collingwood won't bat out the match, Kallis might; Smith guffaws, before pausing a moment to check that Kallis is actually joking.

By day 3, the sun and the wind have combined to relax the pitch at the Bull Ring, and the local South African crowd are treated to some excellent cricket. England bowl well, with Graeme Swann intelligently exploiting Parnell's foot-holes; but the South Africans bat better, and in the course of the day, England are only able to take four wickets. The accuracy of England's bowlers enable them to restrict the scoring, however, and whilst Jacques Kallis does score 124, he does take almost the entire day in doing so. It's not quite clear which team this benefits, but South Africa look safe at 378-6 (Kallis 124, Prince 99). The more significant question seems to be whether they can put England under any degree of pressure in the remaining two days.

Day 4 also seems some interesting cricket. The South African lower order bats with enterprise, and it's not long before the surpass the follow-on target 447. Since by that stage, South Africa are nine wickets down, there seems little point in continuing and Smith declares. So: England are 199 runs ahead, with five and a half sessions to play. South African hopes of victory are soon raised, as Strauss and Cook again fail: surely Collingwood won't be required to play another long one? Well, not immediately anyway, as Trott and Pietersen once again play enduring innings. This is a different sort of an innings from Pietersen though - it is clear he wants to grind the South Africans down. Likewise, nothing seems to break Trott's concentration. Even when tempers flare between Pietersen and Ashwell Prince (following some unsavoury "sledging" from Prince about Pietersen's golden retriever), Trott gazes calmly into the mid-distance, with that Mona Lisa half-smile so reminiscent of Duncan Fletcher. Trott is finally dismissed for 99, but following a rare Collingwood failure Ian Bell accompanies Pietersen to the close.

The final day is a miserable one for the South Africans. England finally declare an hour before tea, setting the South Africans exactly 500 to win in exactly 50 overs. James Anderson sees that Smith completes his pair, before the game is declared a draw as a thunderstorm rolls in. Smith wonders if the reaction by The Johannesburg Telegraph to the series defeat will also be thunderous.

Smith smiles politely at the presentation ceremony, but somewhere inside, he is suddenly struck by sadness. He realises he's been a fool for the previous seven years. Yes, he'd been trying to improve his team; perhaps even to inspire the Rainbow Nation as a whole in some way. But where has is left him? An embittered man, playing bitter and ill-spirited cricket. Was this it? He suddenly realised that despite all that history: the early years with the Pollock brothers, international isolation, re-emergence, and the Hansie Cronje affair, no lessons had been learned. But there it was, before him: the Basil D'Oliveira Trophy. The name said it all. Suddenly, Smith understood why people played cricket, and resolved to make a change.

G11

As the weather section in The Cape Town Sun will tell you, it's difficult to predict the weather down South. The clouds can roll down Table Mountain and envelop the ground in a matter of minutes. So, whilst the downpour forty-five minutes before play was due to begin was unpredicted, it might be misleading to say it was unexpected. In any case, the toss is delayed as both captains re-assess their team options.

But at 3.45 pm, Graeme Smith is able to lob his Rand coin high in the air at the toss. Andrew Strauss calls heads; but the coin lands tails up, and Smith is forced to choose. He elects to bat - a decision he will come to regret. Then, both captains explain their selection decisions; Strauss explains that England have been forced into a difficult selection: Graeme Smith is still piqued at the revelation in The Cape Town Sun that Paul Collingwood actually injured his finger sabotaging the South African team bus - not in a team warm-up as claimed - so he has refused to let England use the Newlands outfield to allow Collingwood to demonstrate his fitness. So Strauss and Andy Flower have decided to play safe and leave him out. Luke Wright is the beneficiary of Collingwood's misery. On the Protean side, there is an outbreak of common sense as Makhaya Ntini makes way for Friedel de Wet.

In the very first over, Smith is poleaxed by an Anderson in-swinger, so reminiscent of Matthew Hoggard's pearler years before. The resulting lbw decision is the first of a cluster of wickets which fall on the first day: Anderson takes three, and Luke Wright claims two of his own as South Africa slump to a hapless 108-7 at the close of play. The bellwether of the South African batting line-up, Jacques Kallis, top edges a wide long-hop from Luke Wright to Matthew Prior. Coach Andy Flower notes that Wright has a knack of taking wickets with bad balls. He can't think of who last did that on a regular basis, but he is sure there was somebody.

The second day crowd is treated to more clement weather. The crowd is dominated by a tired Barmy Army. The South African tail puts up good resistance to the England fast bowling attack, and eventually the Proteas are dismissed for 185. Well under par, but as they had been 96-7, they couldn't really grumble. Well, actually Graeme Smith does grumble, but even by his own standards he looks churlish in doing so.

Alastair Cook and Strauss make a steady start against Dale Steyn and Morne Morkel. England are well placed at 51-0, when Strauss edges de Wet to AB de Villiers at second slip, ten minutes before lunch. Unfortunately for Jonathan Trott, just a few moments prior to the dismissal, nature had called - a problem which will dog him throughout his long England career. As Trott sits helplessly behind a door marked "Engaged", Ian Bell gratefully walks to bat at three. Despite Jacques Kallis' unnecessary jibes that he resembles Jimmy Krankie, Bell makes it through to lunch with his wicket undisturbed.

Sadly for England, a succession of wickets fall in the afternoon and at tea, England look ill-positioned at 145-4. A succession of batsmen play outside the wrong line to balls from Paul Harris, on the incorrect assumption that he is a spin bowler. In fact, he is later forced to admit he's just a slow bowler, but by then it's too late for Messrs Cook, Trott and Pietersen. Never mind: the evening session brings an England recovery the stewardship of three lions, Ian Bell, Matthew Prior and Stuart Broad. There is, however, further excitement at the end of the second day: Broad's off-stump is removed by a Steyn yorker. This brings debutant Wright to the crease. His first ball is a half-volley outside off-stump; he is unsure how to respond. England are in a tight position and he has been told by Andy Flower to look after his wicket, but the temptation is just to great and he cannot resist climbing into it. The ball is last seen soaring like a bird over mid-off, in a lager-fuelled and lobster-tanned member of the Barmy Army singing in the stands. A little surprised, Flower tries to think bat to the last time an England player hit his first ball for six. Again, he can't quite place it.

Worryingly, Wright is missing from the Team England breakfast meeting prior to the third day. Andy Flower is worried he may have been kidnapped by the South African Cricket Association, but he need not have worried. With twenty minutes to go before play, Flower is finalising his press release explaining Wright's absence, but he looks up to see the Sussex all-rounder walking towards the Newlands from the direction of the nearby Castle Brewery factory. There seems to be a hint of blusher to Wright's cheeks, but as he is otherwise ready for play, nobody stops him from continuing his innings.

Wright furiously assaults the South African bowling. There is an unusual moment after twenty minutes: on 38, Wright takes an enormous heave at Morkel, falls over and is bowled. But with a silly grin on his face, he calls for his dismissal to be referred to the third umpire. As one, every member of the Barmy Army in the crowd put their respective heads into their respective hands, appalled at the absurdity of Wright's decision to raise a challenge his dismissal with his off-stump smashed into three pieces. But on the England balcony, Andy Flower sucks on his pencil, with a thoughtful look on his face. And then it is the South Africans turn to despair: the replays show that Morkel has bowled yet another no ball which was not spotted by the onfield umpire, and Wright has earned an unexpected reprieve as a result of the referral to the third umpire. Flower gestures over the England physio and asks for a blood sample to be taken from Wright during the lunch break. When he is finally dismissed by JP Duminy's off spin, he has taken 102 off just 45 balls from the South African bowlers. England are eventually dismissed an hour after lunch, having scored 325. Ian Bell is undefeated on 115.

Anderson takes the new ball for England. With Smith's first innings dismissal in his mind, the Lancashire quickie decides to bowl an in-swinger. Smith is of a like mind though, and plays inside the line of the ball, in an expectation that it will curve in. But at the last minute, the ball is caught by a gust of wind and swerve away in the direction of the slips. The ball slides past Smith's outside edge and catches his off-stump. Anderson tells his team-mates that he planned the "straight-onner" all along. The next over, Hashim Amla is caught on his crease by a ball that jags in from Stuart Broad. Dejectedly, he walks back to the pavilion, out lbw. But Jacques Kallis and Ashwell Prince guide the South Africans to tea without further alarm. After tea, the only further wicket for England falls to Graeme Swann, who embarrasses Prince with one that turns and bounces. At close of play on the third day, South Africa are 145-3 (Kallis 56*, de Villiers 56*).

On the fourth day, Anderson is forced to announce in the team meeting that he will not be able to take the field, due to a sore back - to much sniggering from Graeme Swann. Against that background, Broad opens up with Graham Onions. But it's not the bowlers who break through first: it is fielding wizard Michael Carberry, prowling around the covers as substitute for Anderson, who runs out de Villiers in the fourth over of play. Zoom lenses trained on the South African balcony catch Mickey Arthur angrily muttering something in Afrikaans to Graeme Smith: a lip reader brought in by the Sky Sports team claims that Arthur was moaning that Carberry was brought in by England purely as a specialist substitute fielder. Arthur later denies he said anything of the sort.

Whatever, de Villiers' dismissal is the start of trouble for the South Africans. Duminy falls in the next over to Broad, who has now found a consistent line and length, and Onions sends Boucher on his way with a vicious bouncer the following over. There is limited resistance from Morkel, who clouts 16 from an experimental over from Kevin Pietersen, but Luke Wright is able to break the deadlock a few overs later. He bowls a wide half-volley, which Morkel clatters to Ian Bell at cover. In the closing moments of the South African innings, Jacques Kallis finds himself batting with Dale Steyn. From the balcony, Smith urges Kallis to farm the strike and increase his run-rate. But Kallis refuses to move out of his comfort zone: he consistently passes the strike to Steyn, who manfully tries to keep out some big spinners from Swann, whilst quietly building his total at his own pace. "I'm alright, Jacques", scripts the headline writer for The Cape Town Sun. When Steyn finally succumbs to a slower one from Wright, South Africa are but 64 runs ahead. This is a total which Strauss and Cook knock off with aplomb.

Following the conclusion of the match, Andy Flower calls a press conference, amid great excitement. News of Luke Wright's blood tests has been leaked on Twitter, and the hacks at The Cape Town Sun are excitedly awaiting details of Wright's alcohol levels. In front of flashing bulbs and fluffy microphones, Flower reads out the following statement:

"There has been widespread speculation regarding England all-rounder Luke Wright. Following his bold and inspiring performance during the Third Test Match, the England management decided to carry out blood tests. Luke has co-operated at all times with these tests.

Independent scientists have carried out a detailed study of Luke's blood, and have come to two conclusions. Firstly, the results of the tests show that his DNA is almost identical to a number of former England all-rounders. Secondly, it is clear that he has two hearts. Following receipt of these results, the England management have carried out follow-up interviews with Luke and his immediate family about his emergence as an international all-rounder.

On the basis of these results, we have concluded that Luke is the eleventh regeneration of Sir Ian Botham, taking over from Andrew Flintoff and a number of his predecessors, to do battle throughout the history of time with all that is bad in Test Match cricket. And what better place to start than with Graeme Smith and his team?

On behalf of everyone involved with England cricket, I would wish Luke a long and happy career, particularly as we are given to understand that Sir Ian can only regenerate on a maximum of twelve occasions."