A victory for good manners and common sense

Kevin Pietersen plays after apologising and admitting he has been a very naughty boy.  He is forced to write "I recognise that both Andrew Strauss and Andy Flower are both splendid; and what is more, I realise I must never indulge in paranoid fantasies about my teammates." some 250 times. As a precaution, Captain Strauss insists that Pietersen hands over each of his seven mobile telephones twenty minutes before the start of play. That is the end of the matter and they are all friends again.

The first day, disturbed as it is by rain, is short-lived. But in the 32 overs possible, Steven Finn and James Anderson make significant in-roads into the South African batting line-up.  And the run-rate is poor; Hashim Amla's efforts to frustrate the England bowlers backfire, as Simon Taufel gets bored and decides to give him out lbw, even though the ball pitched half a yard outside leg-stump. 66-6 at the end of day one.

AB de Villiers and Dale Steyn hold up the England seam-bowlers at the start of day two, taking the score on to 160-6. With twenty minutes to go before lunch, Strauss turns to Pietersen for advice.  Pietersen asks for a bowl; and de Villiers falls a natural prey to one that turns and bounces, with the ball pricking off his low gloves into the hands of Ian Bell at silly point.  The rest of the South African innings subsides meakly, and they are bowled out for 178.  England bat well throughout the rest of the day.  Pietersen is dragged to the crease when Cook is dismissed 15 minutes before the close; but he plays well, and there seems to be only one possible winner with the score on 190-2.

Pietersen and Trott play well on the third day, on a benign pitch.  The score is 587-6 at close of play, with both Pietersen and Trott scoring 222, in a brace of innings almost designed by fate herself to wind up the South Africans.  In his post-play interview, wearing a handsome ECB blazer which is announced as the England cricket team's new Lords uniform, Strauss explains that England wanted to get a big first innings lead, as the South African batsmen are dull, they have every reason to play for a draw and the Lords pitch is amazingly good. 

He need not have worried. By close of play on the fourth day, the South Africans are crying into their beer.  England have won by an innings and 48 runs, following a destructive spell of bowling by Steven Finn.  Collaborating on their podcast for the BBC website, Jonathan Agnew exclaims that Finn's spell of 8-17 sets a new benchmark in polite hostility, whereas Geoffrey Boycott complains that the South African batsmen have let their country down by not moving their feet.