"Good afternoon, Mr Flower. I'm sure you know who this is."
"Yes Ma'am, I recognise your voice. What can I do for you?"
"Well as you may know, Prince Philip and I have very much enjoyed following England's performances over the last few years, both at home and abroad, but we were both very disappointed about the performance last week. The batting was poor, but we were also very concerned about the team selection. Now I wanted to enquire of you: you are going to play Monty Panesar in the second test match, please?"
"Actually, Ma'am, we believe the current balance of the side works well for us..."
"...shut up, Interflora, and listen. England needs two spinners, and if you don't agree I've got 120 Coldstream Guards outside my window who'll say you're wrong. Now let me ask you one more time: are you going to play Monty Panesar?"
"Why, of course I am, Ma'am."
-----
"Time to bat now, Monty," enthuses Andrew Strauss, patting the Sussex and former Northamptonshire twirler on the back, as Matt Prior starts putting on his wicket-keeping gear. England are on 180-9, and it's been another bad day against Saeed Ajmal.
Panesar gets to the wicket, greeted by Graeme Swann, who is on 55 not out and is playing well.
"He's bowling well," explains the Nottinghamshire and former Northamptonshire spinner, "you have to watch for the doosra and teesra."
"I'm sure you're right."
Panesar settles himself, and prepares to face Ajmal. The little Pakistani bowler trundles in, pauses and coils up, before springing the ball out of his little fingers. The ball pitches on the off-stump, ready to turn away from Panesar's bat. But oh no, what is this? The doosra, turning into Panesar's pads for a certain lbw; only to be swatted away into the leg-side by the smiling Panesar.
"I think you'll need to work on disguising it," remarks Panesar to Ajmal as he turns for the second.
-----
Spirits are high in the England camp, after Swann's 132 and Panesar's 78*, but Younus Khan is good batsman, and the England bowlers have not been able to get past him. Sitting pretty with a score of 56*, the Pakistan batsman is heading towards a big century - and Strauss knows it. Again and again he rotates his bowlers, in the spirit of Captain Kirk trying to regain control of the USS Enterprise by furiously pressing random buttons. Finally, he tosses the ball to Panesar, who drops it.
But the hopes of all England are dashed, as Younus shuffles down the pitch, and drives Panesar over mid-off for a towering six.
"Not so splendid now, are you?" sneers Younus to Panesar.
"It will be the next ball. Have you not read NWS?" asks Panesar.
Panesar shuffles in, before ripping the ball out of his fingers, pitching it on the line on Younus' off-stump. Deceived by the buzz as the ball passes through the air, Younus plays for prodigious spin, but it is not there; rather, the ball darts into his stumps. The ball licks the inside edge, popping up to bat-padman Ian Bell. Bell takes a smart catch, but Younus has to be sent on his way by Umpire Billy Bowden, before he reluctantly accepts his fate.
-----
As he picks up his man-of-the-match award, the keys to a small office block, Monty Panesar speaks to the Sky TV's Michael Atherton.
"Well Monty, you certainly showed that you were splendid today. In your time out of the England team, did you ever doubt you had it in you to come back?" asks the television pundit.
"I always knew I was splendid, but I particularly want to thank the England management for showing faith in me," responds Panesar.
Back in London, a little octogenarian lady smiles into her tea.
