The Greatest Story Ever Told

"Heads it is then Ricky."

"I think we'll have a bowl" decides Ponting, after some reflection "It's a flat pitch and a beautifully sunny day, so we'll need to do well to bowl England out twice. If we field first, we can get started on that early."

"Er...right. OK. Andrew, your thoughts?" asks Sky TV's Paul Allott.

"Well, we'll need to make sure we don't collapse like a house of cards this morning, but if we can show some spine we should be well placed for the rest of the match. As it's a flat pitch, we've gone for the extra bowler and we've brought back Andrew Flintoff and Monty Panesar for Ravi Bopara and Graeme Onions. I'm not telling you who's batting at three because you'll think I'm being silly."

"Perhaps that's Monty then. Have you got any message for the fans that you so let down so feebly in Leeds?"

"As it happens, I do. Firstly, we sincerely apologise. It will not happen again. Secondly, we don't want you to boo Ricky Ponting when he comes out to bat. There's little point in us beating the Australians if our fans are going to behave like them."

Unfortunately, though, the early signs are that England's batting has not improved since Headingley: Alastair Cook tries to drive the third ball of Ben Hilfenhaus' third over, but only succeeds in spooning the point to mid-off. The mystery of the England number three is then resolved, as Stuart Broad walks out of the England dressing room. Hilfenhaus pitches the ball up, trying to tempt Broad into playing the same shot as that which accounted for Cook. But Broad does not move his feet, and just misses the ball together. Next ball, same delivery, different result. Broad strides forward, strikes through the heart of the ball, and a second or so later it has skimmed past mid-off and hit the advertising hoardings for an emphatic boundary.

Batting at the other end, Strauss pushes a quick single to put Broad back on strike. Mitchell Johnson tries a bouncer outside off-stump; Broad's hook shot is out of control, but such is the power of his shot that the ball flies over the slip cordon for six. And as Broad plays shot after shot, England's tactic is becoming clear: Broad has been sent in as the first pinch-hitter in Test Match history. In a splendid innings that sets the Oval alight, he hits 86 before skying Simon Katich, twenty minutes before the luncheon interval. By the time that the players sit down for lunch, England have made a pulsating start and are at 141-2.

The afternoon's cricket is remarkable for the heat; the temperature at the Oval hits 32 degrees centigrade. Certainly by the evening session, the Australian pacemen are wearying, as the England batsmen strike boundary after boundary. A close of play, it's 412 for 5 (Strauss 158, Broad 86, Bell 86) and Flintoff and Prior are at the crease.

In the indoor nets after play has finished, Monty Panesar is bowling poorly. With a worried look on his face, coach Andy Flower says something quietly to Andrew Strauss, standing alongside him. The Australian spy standing on the balcony lipreads the words "Operation Big Boy" but can't work out what that could mean.

Three hours later, a plane takes off from Delhi Airport, bound for London Heathrow.

Friday morning sees another beautiful day, but not for the Australians. Flintoff makes his intentions quite clear, as he casually lifts Stuart Clark's third ball into the crowd behind mid-off. And then, in scenes mirroring Stuart Broad's innings on the previous day, he savages the Australian bowling. Then, in a scene this time mirroring his century at Lords in 2003, he splits his bat in two, before perishing two balls later to a slower one from Peter Siddle for a violent 105. But it's still 578 for 7 at lunch. After lunch, Graeme Swann inflicts some final misery on the Australians before England declare at 700 for 9 with twenty minutes to go until tea.

Andrew Flintoff takes the new ball with Steve Harmison, but it is the Durham man who strikes first blood as he has Shane Watson caught at gully. Ponting walks out - thankfully to the dignified applause from both the England players and their fans which is worthy of one of the greatest batsmen of his age - and he is able to shepherd the Australian innings safely to tea.

Indeed, he does more than that after tea, as the Australian innings starts to take off. None of Harmison, Flintoff, James Anderson, Swann nor Panesar can get past either Ponting and Simon Katich. Indeed, Panesar looks positively dejected as Australia look a good deal more secure at 111-1 at the close of play. But Captain Strauss looks cheerful. Commentator Agnew asks why, as he interviews him on BBC Test Match Special. Enigmatically, Strauss just smiles and says that he's read Next Week's Scoreboard and knows what's coming in the rest of the match.

As the Australians leave for their hotel that evening, there is a "media scrum", as England smuggle their secret, missing, ingredient from a taxi into the indoor nets. As he is covered by a blanket, and as the balcony has now been closed off, it's impossible to know who "Big Boy" is.

By the following morning, if the Australian batsmen do not know, they must have a fair idea. Monty Panesar is looking elated, but somewhat tired. Although he was asked by Strauss not to talk to the media, he later admits he was bowling in the nets until five in the morning. Given the first over against Ponting, his second ball turns and bounces. This disconcerts Ponting, who plays no shot to the following delivery. But this ball does not turn, and just thuds sadly into Ponting's front pad. Umpire Billy Bowden raises his finger as confirmation, but Ponting had already walked. The following ball is pitched into the developing rough patch outside Mike Hussey's off-stump. Foolishly, he leaves the ball. It spits from the ground and strikes him on the pad; once again, Bowden confirms the dismissal. Panesar on a hat-trick; Michael Clarke on strike. He confidently takes guard. Monty trots in; Clarke presses forward as the ball floats above his eyeline. But he beaten somehow by the flight of the ball; he is through his shot too early. The ball passes his bat. The ball strikes his back leg, which he has shifted accross to protect his stumps, but this is fooling nobody. Least of Umpire Bowden, who completes a personal hat trick of lbw dismissals, as Northamptonshire twirler Panesar goes berserk.

Up on the England balcony, the door to the dressing room opens. Out steps Bishen Bedi,wearing an England sweater. He looks tired but pleased with his work. It suddenly becomes clear to a crestfallen Ponting who "Big Boy" is.

Australia are in all sorts of trouble at 172-6 at lunch (Ponting 68, Panesar 4-54). But after lunch, some rich hitting from Mitchell Johnson and Brad Haddin, bravely batting with a broken finger, sees the Australians recover, before Flintoff uproots Haddin's off-stump. Eventually, Panesar claims three more wickets, and with an hour to go, Australia are all out for 325. Strauss enforces the follow-on, but the England players are unable to take the field, as a stray sirocco strikes South West London. The groundsmen move quickly, but some sand still gets on the pitch. Climate change, indeed.

Oh, what a Himalayan task it is that is set in front of the Australian batsmen on the morning of the fourth day, as they face up to the daunting task of batting out two days against resurgent spin-twins Panesar and Swann, on a pitch offering turn, bounce and sand, and requiring 415 just to make England bat again. But they start well, and it is 11:35 before Panesar takes his first, catching Watson's outside edge to have him caught at slip. Ponting comes out - to more dignified applause - and he is immediately surrounded by fieldsmen. But he survives a couple of testing overs from Panesar, and in the end, it is Katich who fails; he too edges one that turns and bounces, this time from the last ball of Swann's over.

When Ponting pushes a single off the first ball of Panesar's next over, Hussey faces the unwelcome challenge of avoiding a king pair. Panesar stairs him in the eyes, like a prowling cat. As the ball buzzes through the air, and lands in the rough that outdid him in the first innings, Hussey is faced with Morton's Fork: can he afford to leave the ball and risk a second, humiliating, lbw, or should he play a shot and risk a bat/pad catch? Surely, he would have been out either way, but in the end he is caught by Bell at silly point for his second golden duck of the match.

With the England pacemen struggling with a sand affected ball, progress is slow thereafter. Panesar picks up wickets intermittently, but Ponting is playing well at the other end. By tea, the Australians are on 214 for 5. Panesar takes two more, taking his haul to seven, before Nathan Hauritz digs in with Ponting. Finally, Swann traps Hauritz lbw with one that turns sharply from a Mitchell Johnson foothole, before Panesar traps Siddle in the same fashion the following over. Nine down - surely the Australians cannot hold out?

But with Ponting, now having passed a hundred, taking the bulk of the strike, the England spinners cannot break through. For an hour, Panesar and Swann bowl unchanged. With Ponting on 145, Panesar asks for a break. The ball is thrown to Andrew Flintoff. With his fifth ball, he manages to achieve some reverse swing; the ball starts outside off, but swings in over the last third of the pitch. The tired Ponting is unable to get his bat down on to the ball, and it strikes him on the toe. He is hurting, but this warrior is not ready to give up. He looks up, hoping Bowden will forgive him. But the Kiwi Umpire has made his mind up, and he signals game, set and match with his right index finger. Australia are all out for 317, and England have won the Ashes 2-1.

An hour later, as the light fades, Andrew Strauss holds up the (replica) Ashes in celebration. As the Australians sportingly applaud, there is suddenly the roar of jet engines. The Red Arrows fly past. They use red, blue and white smoke to leave a special message across the sky "THANKS FOR EVERYTHING FREDDIE."

As Henry Blofeld in the TMS commentary box says that this is "really rather splendid", the giant
Lancastrian just stands on the England balcony, nods in appreciation and takes another swig of Boddingtons.

Revenge of the Shermanator

Having arrived a day early, owing to their bemusement at the idea that an Ashes Test Match could possibly begin on a Friday, both teams feel entirely well prepared as the two captains toss up thirty minutes before play. Ricky Ponting calls incorrectly, and Andrew Strauss decides to bat first as the Sky TV cameras catch a glimpse of dirty cotton wool in the background skies. Will it rain? Only time will tell. In the meantime, Strauss is coy about whether Andrew Flintoff will bowl, or whether he will just play as specialist batsman.

As it happens, the cloud spied by the Sky cameras passes by Headingley and showers Skipton instead, as England make a spectacular start. Mitchell Johnson's run-up is disturbed as the wind broadsides him like a floundering yacht, and he is not able to control the direction of the ball. After three overs, and 38 runs, Ponting asks "Gillespie 05" (as he is now called by his teammates) to take a break. Soon after, with the score on 43 for 0, the rain starts falling. Play is abandoned for the day at 3:30, as the cameras follow a Cocker Spaniel playing in a puddle on the outfield. At least someone is enjoying the unseasonal conditions.

Happily, the players are met with slightly better conditions on Saturday, and play is able to start on time. Alastair Cook is quickly out, as Hilfenhaus gets a ball to straighten into his pad. Ravi Bopara comes to the crease, and then plays and misses Hilfenhaus. He also plays and misses Peter Siddle on three further occasions, before realising that by doing so, he is winding up the Australian bowler. Bopara deliberately plays inside the line of three further balls, and Siddle is incensed. He accelerates his run-up, but loses his rhythm and bowls a giant no-ball. Now furious, he bowls Bopara a long-hop which the Essex man clubs for six. To protect the innocence of viewers who can lip-read, Sky TV take the precaution of pixelating Siddle's mouth during the remainder of the day's television footage.

In any event, Strauss plays solidly during the morning, and whilst Bopara has the occasional scare against the improving Johnson, the Australians are not able to take any further wickets during the morning session. At lunch, England are on 143-1, having added exactly 100 during the morning session.

As the morning comes, so the afternoon follows, and under brightening skies, England progress slowly during the Saturday afternoon session. Having realised they are unlikely to dismiss the English batsmen with an old ball, the Australians decide to bowl negative lines in order to restrict the run-scoring. The only moment of real interest arises when Bopara loses patience with Simon Katich's chinamen, and clubs the Australian into the crowd for a giant six. The ball strikes a man dressed as a racing driver; he makes no effort to evade the ball and he remains unmoved as the ball bounces off his helmet. The only mystery is whether the victim of Bopara's blow is another fancy dress reveller, or whether The Stig has really decided to attend a cricket match. Perhaps we will never know. In any case, England reach 278-1 at tea.

A flurry of wickets fall after tea, as the Australians take the second new ball and the clouds roll in. But England are already well placed, and when the players come off for bad light at 5:30 with England on 343-5, an Australian series victory seems highly remote. And that possibility takes a further nosedive shortly after tea, when the Met Office issues a Severe Weather Warning for the Yorkshire area, promising rain over Headingley during the whole of Sunday and Monday.

And indeed, at 11:30 on Sunday morning, the Australians are sat behind the dressing room window, looking upon a grey Headingley against a grey background. Ponting reflects that the droplets of rain sliding down the pane of glass could just as easily be his tears, as he sees Australia's chances of a series victory slide out of view. Sunday's play is rained off entirely.

But you should never believe Michael Fish, and by 2:00 on Monday, he finds himself batting: after the weather unexpectedly clears up, England declare and Shane Watson promptly departs for a golden duck in the very first over. On his first ball, Ponting faces his a pumped up Steve Harmison. He knows that if he can see off Harmison and build innings, Australia will be safe for this match at least. Unfortunately, he can't: he too is out for a golden duck, and Australia are in a most precarious position at 0-2.

Katich and Michael Hussey try to rebuild the innings against a slightly chaotic England seam-bowling attack, before an inspired bowling change by Andrew Strauss brings another cluster of wickets: in his first over, in spitting rain, Graeme Swann glides a ball through Katich's defensive stroke to hit the stumps, and then three balls later, Hussey is out caught at slip off one that turns and bounces. Michael Clarke is out to Harmison the next over, and the Australian batting card deteriorates further to 42-8. Unfortunately, at that point, it starts raining.

There is great excitement on the next, and final morning. There is speculation about the Australian batting ("Nay, they've now't chance o' survivin'" - Matthew Hoggard). There is speculation about the weather ("We're expecting some areas of unsettled weather in Easterly regions" - Rob McElwee). There is speculation about the England bowling ("My grandmother could play Steve Harmison with a stick of rhubarb" - you know who). It is something of a relief when the reality of play brings an end to the chatter.

Johnson and Siddle bat aggressively to keep the first Australian innings going, and as the Australian total passes 100, there is natural concern that Australia may reach the follow-on total. And when the cloud closes in, Strauss his forced to turn to his slower bowlers in case the light is offered to the Australians. And then; Ian Bell strikes a double blow with his little dobblers. Firstly, Johnson pads up to a ball which swings into him, like a slow-motion of his dismissal to Anderson at Edgbaston, and then the very next ball, Bell curves an in-swinger between Ben Hilfenhaus' bat and pad to rattle the Australian's stumps. Australia are all out for 114, and Strauss naturally decides to enforce the follow-on.

So, it is 11:42, the light is very poor, and Ian Bell and Paul Collingwood are forced to take the new ball. Collingwood takes the first over to Katich, which passes with just one play and miss from the Australian southpaw. Bell runs in gently; he aims the ball half a foot outside Shane Watson's off-stump. Watson raises his bat to leave the ball. But as it enters the batsman's half of the pitch, the ball arcs in, just as it did with Hilfenhaus. This time, the ball thuds into Watson's pad. Bell appeals. The England fielders appeal. The whole of the Western Terrace appeals. After a moment's reflection, Umpire Aleem Dar nods his head, and a further moment later, he raises his right finger. Ian Bell has a Test Match hattrick. Shane Watson has a king pair.

Bell and Collingwood aren't able to take any further wickets in the gloom, so Australia go into lunch on 45-1. As the skies brighten after lunch, Strauss is able to bring back his senior bowlers, who are able to extract pace and bounce on a wearing pitch. Harmison has Ponting caught at short-leg (has the Australian captain got a weakness against the short ball?), and Hussey is caught at third slip off the same bowler. Michael Clarke and Simon Katich dig in, but just before tea, Clarke plays an Anderson in-swinger onto his stumps. As the players tuck into their cheese and pickle sandwiches, the score is 115-4.

In a slightly surprising move, Swann is brought on at the Kirkstall Lane End immediately after tea. He pitches two balls into one of Anderson's footmarks, and they sharply turn away from Marcus North. But the third ball, pitching in the same place, takes no grip and just thumps North's pads, before ricocheting off his gloves into Bell's hands at point. Five down. Two overs later, the same bowler and fieldsman combine again, as Graham Manou falls to an unlucky dismissal: he plays the ball straight onto his boot and up into Bell's hands. Six down. It looks as if England will be able to take an early shower at the scene of Sir Ian Botham's heroics in 1981, but for the second time that day, Mitchell Johnson digs in.

England become desperate, and Andrew Strauss uses all his bowling options. But it is clear Flintoff is not fit to bowl; so, he was playing as a specialist batsman after all. With ten overs to go, Steve Harmison asks to have a bowl. With his third ball, he makes the crucial breakthrough - after his long vigil, Katich is out - caught third slip, just like Hussey. Is there a glimmer of hope for England? Well...yes. The final ball of that over sees Hauritz given lbw to an in-swinging yorker, which he claims he has not seen through the murky light.

With nine overs or two wickets to go, Johnson complains about the light to the umpires as Peter Siddle walks out. Umpire Dar confers with Rudi Koertzen; they discuss the position and Dar holds up his light meter - and they decide to go on with the match. Distracted, Johnson plays no shot to the following delivery from Anderson. Johnson's heart sinks as at first the umpire twitches, before raising his trademark slow finger of death. It looks like the match could come to an immediate conclusion, but Hilfenhaus plays out the over.

One more wicket to go now. Eight overs available. But Siddle plays out Harmison's over too. And Hilfenhaus sees off a tiring Anderson; seven overs remaining. Then six, then five. As the "Overs Remaining" counter on the scoreboard ticks down to three, then two, it seems the Australians are safe. Harmison has six balls left. He bowls with all his might, and with his penultimate ball he traps Siddle in front of all three stumps. But inexplicably, Dar turns the appeal down. So the match goes into the final over.

Injured or not, Andrew Flintoff decides he is taking the over and marks out his run-up. Hilfenhaus cowers at the other end. Can the England colossus get the final wicket? Can the Australians survive to take the series into the final Test Match at the Oval? Well, that would be telling...