Revenge of the Shermanator

Having arrived a day early, owing to their bemusement at the idea that an Ashes Test Match could possibly begin on a Friday, both teams feel entirely well prepared as the two captains toss up thirty minutes before play. Ricky Ponting calls incorrectly, and Andrew Strauss decides to bat first as the Sky TV cameras catch a glimpse of dirty cotton wool in the background skies. Will it rain? Only time will tell. In the meantime, Strauss is coy about whether Andrew Flintoff will bowl, or whether he will just play as specialist batsman.

As it happens, the cloud spied by the Sky cameras passes by Headingley and showers Skipton instead, as England make a spectacular start. Mitchell Johnson's run-up is disturbed as the wind broadsides him like a floundering yacht, and he is not able to control the direction of the ball. After three overs, and 38 runs, Ponting asks "Gillespie 05" (as he is now called by his teammates) to take a break. Soon after, with the score on 43 for 0, the rain starts falling. Play is abandoned for the day at 3:30, as the cameras follow a Cocker Spaniel playing in a puddle on the outfield. At least someone is enjoying the unseasonal conditions.

Happily, the players are met with slightly better conditions on Saturday, and play is able to start on time. Alastair Cook is quickly out, as Hilfenhaus gets a ball to straighten into his pad. Ravi Bopara comes to the crease, and then plays and misses Hilfenhaus. He also plays and misses Peter Siddle on three further occasions, before realising that by doing so, he is winding up the Australian bowler. Bopara deliberately plays inside the line of three further balls, and Siddle is incensed. He accelerates his run-up, but loses his rhythm and bowls a giant no-ball. Now furious, he bowls Bopara a long-hop which the Essex man clubs for six. To protect the innocence of viewers who can lip-read, Sky TV take the precaution of pixelating Siddle's mouth during the remainder of the day's television footage.

In any event, Strauss plays solidly during the morning, and whilst Bopara has the occasional scare against the improving Johnson, the Australians are not able to take any further wickets during the morning session. At lunch, England are on 143-1, having added exactly 100 during the morning session.

As the morning comes, so the afternoon follows, and under brightening skies, England progress slowly during the Saturday afternoon session. Having realised they are unlikely to dismiss the English batsmen with an old ball, the Australians decide to bowl negative lines in order to restrict the run-scoring. The only moment of real interest arises when Bopara loses patience with Simon Katich's chinamen, and clubs the Australian into the crowd for a giant six. The ball strikes a man dressed as a racing driver; he makes no effort to evade the ball and he remains unmoved as the ball bounces off his helmet. The only mystery is whether the victim of Bopara's blow is another fancy dress reveller, or whether The Stig has really decided to attend a cricket match. Perhaps we will never know. In any case, England reach 278-1 at tea.

A flurry of wickets fall after tea, as the Australians take the second new ball and the clouds roll in. But England are already well placed, and when the players come off for bad light at 5:30 with England on 343-5, an Australian series victory seems highly remote. And that possibility takes a further nosedive shortly after tea, when the Met Office issues a Severe Weather Warning for the Yorkshire area, promising rain over Headingley during the whole of Sunday and Monday.

And indeed, at 11:30 on Sunday morning, the Australians are sat behind the dressing room window, looking upon a grey Headingley against a grey background. Ponting reflects that the droplets of rain sliding down the pane of glass could just as easily be his tears, as he sees Australia's chances of a series victory slide out of view. Sunday's play is rained off entirely.

But you should never believe Michael Fish, and by 2:00 on Monday, he finds himself batting: after the weather unexpectedly clears up, England declare and Shane Watson promptly departs for a golden duck in the very first over. On his first ball, Ponting faces his a pumped up Steve Harmison. He knows that if he can see off Harmison and build innings, Australia will be safe for this match at least. Unfortunately, he can't: he too is out for a golden duck, and Australia are in a most precarious position at 0-2.

Katich and Michael Hussey try to rebuild the innings against a slightly chaotic England seam-bowling attack, before an inspired bowling change by Andrew Strauss brings another cluster of wickets: in his first over, in spitting rain, Graeme Swann glides a ball through Katich's defensive stroke to hit the stumps, and then three balls later, Hussey is out caught at slip off one that turns and bounces. Michael Clarke is out to Harmison the next over, and the Australian batting card deteriorates further to 42-8. Unfortunately, at that point, it starts raining.

There is great excitement on the next, and final morning. There is speculation about the Australian batting ("Nay, they've now't chance o' survivin'" - Matthew Hoggard). There is speculation about the weather ("We're expecting some areas of unsettled weather in Easterly regions" - Rob McElwee). There is speculation about the England bowling ("My grandmother could play Steve Harmison with a stick of rhubarb" - you know who). It is something of a relief when the reality of play brings an end to the chatter.

Johnson and Siddle bat aggressively to keep the first Australian innings going, and as the Australian total passes 100, there is natural concern that Australia may reach the follow-on total. And when the cloud closes in, Strauss his forced to turn to his slower bowlers in case the light is offered to the Australians. And then; Ian Bell strikes a double blow with his little dobblers. Firstly, Johnson pads up to a ball which swings into him, like a slow-motion of his dismissal to Anderson at Edgbaston, and then the very next ball, Bell curves an in-swinger between Ben Hilfenhaus' bat and pad to rattle the Australian's stumps. Australia are all out for 114, and Strauss naturally decides to enforce the follow-on.

So, it is 11:42, the light is very poor, and Ian Bell and Paul Collingwood are forced to take the new ball. Collingwood takes the first over to Katich, which passes with just one play and miss from the Australian southpaw. Bell runs in gently; he aims the ball half a foot outside Shane Watson's off-stump. Watson raises his bat to leave the ball. But as it enters the batsman's half of the pitch, the ball arcs in, just as it did with Hilfenhaus. This time, the ball thuds into Watson's pad. Bell appeals. The England fielders appeal. The whole of the Western Terrace appeals. After a moment's reflection, Umpire Aleem Dar nods his head, and a further moment later, he raises his right finger. Ian Bell has a Test Match hattrick. Shane Watson has a king pair.

Bell and Collingwood aren't able to take any further wickets in the gloom, so Australia go into lunch on 45-1. As the skies brighten after lunch, Strauss is able to bring back his senior bowlers, who are able to extract pace and bounce on a wearing pitch. Harmison has Ponting caught at short-leg (has the Australian captain got a weakness against the short ball?), and Hussey is caught at third slip off the same bowler. Michael Clarke and Simon Katich dig in, but just before tea, Clarke plays an Anderson in-swinger onto his stumps. As the players tuck into their cheese and pickle sandwiches, the score is 115-4.

In a slightly surprising move, Swann is brought on at the Kirkstall Lane End immediately after tea. He pitches two balls into one of Anderson's footmarks, and they sharply turn away from Marcus North. But the third ball, pitching in the same place, takes no grip and just thumps North's pads, before ricocheting off his gloves into Bell's hands at point. Five down. Two overs later, the same bowler and fieldsman combine again, as Graham Manou falls to an unlucky dismissal: he plays the ball straight onto his boot and up into Bell's hands. Six down. It looks as if England will be able to take an early shower at the scene of Sir Ian Botham's heroics in 1981, but for the second time that day, Mitchell Johnson digs in.

England become desperate, and Andrew Strauss uses all his bowling options. But it is clear Flintoff is not fit to bowl; so, he was playing as a specialist batsman after all. With ten overs to go, Steve Harmison asks to have a bowl. With his third ball, he makes the crucial breakthrough - after his long vigil, Katich is out - caught third slip, just like Hussey. Is there a glimmer of hope for England? Well...yes. The final ball of that over sees Hauritz given lbw to an in-swinging yorker, which he claims he has not seen through the murky light.

With nine overs or two wickets to go, Johnson complains about the light to the umpires as Peter Siddle walks out. Umpire Dar confers with Rudi Koertzen; they discuss the position and Dar holds up his light meter - and they decide to go on with the match. Distracted, Johnson plays no shot to the following delivery from Anderson. Johnson's heart sinks as at first the umpire twitches, before raising his trademark slow finger of death. It looks like the match could come to an immediate conclusion, but Hilfenhaus plays out the over.

One more wicket to go now. Eight overs available. But Siddle plays out Harmison's over too. And Hilfenhaus sees off a tiring Anderson; seven overs remaining. Then six, then five. As the "Overs Remaining" counter on the scoreboard ticks down to three, then two, it seems the Australians are safe. Harmison has six balls left. He bowls with all his might, and with his penultimate ball he traps Siddle in front of all three stumps. But inexplicably, Dar turns the appeal down. So the match goes into the final over.

Injured or not, Andrew Flintoff decides he is taking the over and marks out his run-up. Hilfenhaus cowers at the other end. Can the England colossus get the final wicket? Can the Australians survive to take the series into the final Test Match at the Oval? Well, that would be telling...