Old friends

As the clean sun plays down on the captains, Ricky Ponting calls wrongly, and Andrew Strauss decides to bat. The captains announce the following teams:

England: Strauss (*), Cook, Bopara, Pietersen, Collingwood, Prior (+), Flintoff, Broad, Swann, Anderson, Panesar

Australia: Hughes, Katich, Ponting (*), Hussey, Clarke, North, Haddin (+), Warne, Johnson, Siddle, Clark

Asked about the inclusion of a certain SK Warne, Strauss shrugs his shoulders and just says "Oh, we found out this was coming last month. We've been practising against Merlin all morning. That whole business about the Sky commentating contract was a cover set up by Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch is, after all, Australian."

"How did you know?" asks Nasser Hussain, who is conducting the interview for Sky.

"Well, Murdoch's got an Australian accent."

"Actually Andrew I was wondering how you knew Warne was making a comeback."

"I can't tell you that without endangering the lives of British operatives working overseas."

In any event, a few moments later the England skipper is facing up to a steamed up Mitchell Johnson. With his partner in crime Peter Siddle, Johnson makes early incisions into the England batting line up, and by 11:30, England seem to be in a precarious position at 30-2, with Ravi Bopara and Kevin Pietersen at the crease. And in that unhappy circumstance, what worse sight could there be but to see Shane Warne mark out his run up? But at 12:00, the bleach-blonde tells Ponting he is "knackered", and goes off to put his feet up. The England men hold firm until lunch; as Andrew Flintoff helps himself to a second helping of bangers and mash, England are on 88 -2. The afternoon session sees more runs to the increasingly bold England batsmen, but thirty minutes into the session, Bopara prods forward to an away swinger from Johnson and is caught by Ponting at slip. It is Paul Collingwood's turn to bat.

But it is not the Durham carrot-top who walks out. Instead, the crowd cheer as they see a familiar lope to the crease. The commentators are confused. As he reaches the crease, the tall batsman chirps "Afternoon boys" with a suggestion of a Yorkshire accent in his tone. But Ricky Ponting is in no mood to exchange pleasantries.

"What the hell are you doing out here? Paul Collingwood's name was on the teamsheet Andrew Strauss gave me this morning."

"Yes, that's me."

"No it's not. You're not Paul Collingwood, you're Michael Vaughan."

"You probably remember me as Michael Vaughan, but I changed my name to 'Paul Collingwood' by deed poll last week. Andy Flower and I hit upon the name change thing as a way of giving you guys a surprise. I just couldn't resist one last test match. Aren't you pleased to see me again after all this time?" asks the former England skipper.

"Michael, you can't..."

"My name's not Michael."

"Sorry, Paul, you can't do this. You retired last week."

"Like Shane Warne retired last year, you mean?"

After an ECB statement explaining the situation, the TMS pressbox decide that to avoid confusion with the batsman more usually known as Paul Collingwood, he should be known as "The Batsman Formerly Known As Vaughan", or "TBFKA Vaughan" forthwith. In any case, he and Pietersen prosper against increasingly rattled Australian bowling, and England close the day on 355-3 (Pietersen 135*, TBFKA Vaughan 106*). A good day's work.

The second day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

The third day is met with more promising weather, but the Australians are unsettled. They have only arrived ten minutes before play, as the team bus from the Youth Hostel was delayed by a flock of Herdwicks standing in the road just outside Cardiff. As the sun rebounds off the dewy outfield in the lead up towards the start of play, there is another surprise for the Australians: in a highly aggressive move, England have declared on their overnight total.

Once again, the Australians are rattled, and it is not long before Phillip Hughes skies a Stuart Broad bouncer into the waiting hands of Monty Panesar. The ball spills out as he trips over his shoe-laces, but it somehow remains lodged in his trousers, and the batsman is given out. 13-1 becomes 15-2 as in the next over, Ricky Ponting edges Jimmy Anderson to Flintoff at second slip. So it goes on, and at lunch, the Australians are on 66-6. Could they miss the follow on? Surely not.

As the afternoon session opens up, Anderson continues to attack the Australian batting, now represented by Haddin and Siddle. But Siddle shows the Australian top order how it should be done, and Anderson tires. Strauss gestures for Graeme Swann to join Panesar in the bowling line up, and the rewards are immediate. No wicket falls, but Swann's second ball bites and turns to strike an agonised Haddin in what may be delicately described as the "nether regions". It becomes clear the Australian neglected to put his box back on when he came back out after lunch. Whoops, Bradley.

The Australian wicket-keeper bravely soldiers on, but unwilling to make the same mistake twice, he plays at a Panesar delivery that should properly have been left. Strauss makes a difficult catch at slip look easy. Haddin's dismissal unlocks the door to the Australian lower order; they have no answer against the clever spin of Panesar and Swann on a crumbling pitch, and they are finally dismissed for a very poor 123. Strauss decides to enforce the follow on.

Second time round, the Australian batting is a little more robust. Hughes and Simon Katich bat well to score 119 for the first wicket, but Broad again dismisses Hughes, and in the following over, Panesar's arm-ball sinks Ricky Ponting. By the close of play, the Australians are precariously positioned at 136 for 2. England need another eight wickets; their counterparts need another 96 runs, but that's just to make the Englishmen bat again.

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

Happily, the fifth day is bathed in a beautiful, golden, sunshine of a type which almost seems to thank the England spin bowlers for their treasured performances. For Strauss decides to open up with Swann and Panesar, and they do not take long to inflict further wounds into the Australians. Bounding in like a high jumper, Panesar is able to extract turn and bounce from the wearing Cardiff track, and even if his tricks are not enough to remove Katich, the psychological effect surely is. For he charges Panesar, misses altogether and Matt Prior removes the bails. Clarke edges the very next ball to Strauss at slip, and Marcus North is forced to defend the hat-trick ball. He just about manages that, but the next over sees him sky Swann to TBFKA Vaughan. However, just as it is looking like England will win by lunchtime, Haddin and Hussey dig in. They chip away at the deficit, and finally, the Australians are sitting fairer at 198-4 at lunch.

For the first hour after lunch, the Australians proceed without alarm. Panesar and Swann are bowling well, but they just can't find the magic ball. In desperation, Strauss turns to TBFKA Vaughan: "Paul, you were a brilliant captain in the 2005 Ashes. Now I want to become a captaincy master. Graeme Swann and Monty Panesar can't make the vital breakthrough. What must I do?"

The Yorkshireman breathes deeply through his nose and closes his eyes, crunching the lines on his forehead, and flinching his little ears. In a throaty voice, he just says "Patient you must be".

Strauss walks away in awe, and decides to keep the spinners going. And finally, Swann strikes: Hussey is half-forward to an arm-ball, the ball strikes his pad with a deathly thud, and the umpire's finger is inevitable. And Johnson follows soon later, advancing down the pitch to a Swann off-break, running right past it and seeing his stumps dismembered by the England 'keeper. Wicket after wicket follows, until finally, Australia are all out for 255.

24 to win? No problem, sir. Andrew Strauss decides to promote TBFKA Vaughan in to open the batting, as it is his final test match. With the score placed on 22 for 0, Warne hops in to bowl at the former England captain. The round Australian floats up a flighted leg-break. But it is a foot or so too full. TBFKA Vaughan presses half-forward for a moment. He narrows his eyes as he focuses. He hovers momentarily before fully committing his body weight forward. As the ball lands, the centre of his soft, wooden, blade collects the ball and catapults it through the covers. Ponting at extra cover is just too slow, and dives over the ball. Johnson sprints round from the cover boundary to try to cut it off, diving forward to intercept cricketing destiny. He just reaches the ball with his fingertips, but inevitably, his effort is not enough. The ball trickles to the boundary and the match is won.

As the batsmen meander back to the pavilion, against the red sun setting down to rest over the pavilion, the Welsh crowd rise in unison to salute a departing warrior. They say nothing, but the message is clear: thank you, Paul, for being one of the greatest batsmen of your age, and one of the greatest test captains ever.