And so it is that having won the toss and decided to bat, Andrew Strauss and his opening partner Alistair Cook do not have to face the speedy left-armer on the first morning at the MCG. But even without Johnson, Australia's opening attack is fast, aggressive and splendid. It is something of a surprise, and certainly to the Englishmen's credit, that they are able to get to lunch without losing a wicket. Particularly impressive, given that they didn't know that the MCG authorities had introduced the new "Insult-a-Pom" facility, whereby Australian fans are allowed to express their opinions about the England batsmen over the MCG tannoy between overs, in return for a charitable donation of Aus$1,000 per swearword. By lunchtime, Insult-a-Pom has raised Aus$116,000, and Andrew Strauss (unbeaten on 56*) has been called a "Pommie C**t" 43 times.
After a cluster of wickets between lunchtime and tea looks to destabilise England, Ian Bell joins Paul Collingwood at the crease with the score on 196 for 4. It's a crucial time for England, and it is to the great fortune of England that Bell does not edge any of the balls he initially receives from the impressive Ryan Harris. It's attritional out there, as the horribly out-of-touch Collingwood plays edgily to the Australian medium-pacers. But by the close, he's still there, and when play ends prematurely due to bad light, England have recovered to 256-4. Bell is on 74* and has been called a "ginger c**t" 38 times; Collingwood is on 54* and has been called a "ginger c**t" 45 times.
Everyone is putting a brave face on it, but it is clear that the England team is shaken by the torrent of abuse they have received all day. But Andy Flower has a trick up his sleeve. He introduces Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy as England's new specialist sledging coach, and when on the second morning Bell starts reciting passages from Romeo and Juliet in response to Siddle calling him a "ginger c**t", Ponting pleads with him to stop. Eventually, an agreement is brokered between Ponting and Strauss: the match will be played in complete silence. Sledging has stopped.
It is a wonderful relief, but one which pays dividends for the Australians as they concentrate on bowling, rather than using unpleasant language. Bell is quickly dismissed, and England subside. Thank goodness for Collingwood's swashbuckling hitting at the end with the tail-enders. He's last out for 116 as England finally reach 372 all out.
Australia respond pretty well. Steven Finn's replacement, Tim Bresnan, bowls steadily, but is unable to oust Ponting, who refinds his form to reach a hundred. At the other end, it takes some excellent bowling from Chris Tremlett to remove Philip Hughes, then Shane Watson, then Michael Clarke. With Graeme Swann snaring the dangerous Michael Hussey, then the somewhat less dangerous Steve Smith, the match is evenly poised with the score on 249 for 6 at the close of play. Ritchie Benaud remarks on the improvement in the quality of the cricket, as the players are able to focus on their own games.
The third day is also closely, and more importantly politely, contested; in the first over James Anderson uproots Brad Haddin's off-stump, and having made that breakthrough England are able to rub away much of the Australian tail, as they subside to 272 for 9. But Siddle and Beer enjoy an annoying last wicket 50 run partnership, and the Australians are able to reach 333 all out, just ten minutes before lunch. So England hold a 39 runs lead; not a match winning advantage, but a "nice to have".
The pitch is at its very best on the afternoon of day three. England capitalise. The Australians bowl excellently, with a consistent line and length, but by trusting in the pitch the England openers are able to manoeuvre the ball into the gaps. Both are dismissed by Siddle, who has discovered that when he thinks about his cricket he actually isn't that bad, but Jonathan Trott proves the perfect counterfoil to Kevin Pietersen's imaginative, yet respectful, strokeplay. When Pietersen reaches his hundred, Ponting can't help but congratulate him. Trott shapes to give him an effeminate hug, more out of habit than inclination, but thinks better of it and just shakes Pietersen firmly by the hand. Anyway, England are now in charge of the game, on 260-2. That is precisely 299 ahead.
The fourth day is, especially unfortunately given the quality of the teams' behaviour, lost to rain.
So when should England declare? Bat the Australians into a draw? No, sir. In a sporting gesture, Strauss declares overnight. 300 to win. 3 sessions. That's 100 per session.
Australia get off to a good start, with Hughes playing well to hit a quick 50 in that swash-buckling style that he has. But Tremlett makes one rise, and Hughes is only able to guide the delivery into Anderson's hands at fly-slip. Two balls later, Ponting is caught by a flying Collingwood at third slip, in what is described by Benaud as "a splendid effort". But England have no further successes before lunch, and Australia are slightly ahead of the game at 112-2.
After lunch, the sun beats down unforgivingly on England. Strauss tosses the ball to Graeme Swann. His first over is a splendid one. He bowls two dot balls to an uncertain Shane Watson, before floating one up over the David Beckham lookalikes eye line. So uncertain, about when the ball will land. So heavy, with his foot movement. And so the ball lands, spitting off the pitch, then ricochets off Watson's gloves into Cook's hands at silly point. Then Clarke is bowled through the gate, the very next ball. The crowd waits for Michael Hussey in hushed silence. But whereas Hussey has saved the downundermen before, he fails this time: the ball bounces out of the rough, clips the outside edge of his bat and flies to Collingwood at slip.
Smith and Haddin follow quickly, and in the twinkling of an eye the Australians have fallen to 150-7. Can they meekly limp to a draw? They can't. Two overs after tea, Beer pushes forward uncertainly to Anderson, and the ball flies to Captain Strauss to slip.
The Ashes are retained, but the series is not yet won.
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It is the morning after England have won. Andy Flower is relaxing on the balcony of his hotel room, when his mobile rings.
"This is Bond, James Bond, from MI6 in London. We've received an intelligence report from Special Agent Hurley. You might remember we tasked her with monitoring Shane Warne's movements. Well, Warne has told her he's planning a comeback. You'd better be ready for him at the SCG."
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