Ricky Ponting wins the toss, and after the Australian team have introduced themselves to each other, it is young Philip Hughes' turn in the firing line. The England selectors have selected Chris Tremlett as Stuart Broad's replacement, but he has to wait in the queue behind James Anderson and Steven Finn to complete an excellent new ball spell, which accounts for both Hughes and Shane Watson. Ponting and Michael Clarke do well to see the Australians safely to lunch, however, at exactly 100-2.
Tremlett is given the first over after lunch. He is relaxed now. He pushes the ball into the hard pitch, just short of the length. Clarke prods forward; but the ball bounces and deviates off the seam. The ball flies to Graeme Swann at slip.
The following ninety minutes will be remembered as one of the most splendid ninety minutes in English Test cricket. In his following over, Tremlett uproots Ponting's off-stump, as the Australian unwisely leaves an in-swinger; then the tall Hampshire bowler makes the ball dance off a length, to kiss Michael Hussey's gloves on its journey to Swann at slip. Suddenly, Australia are in disarray again. And characteristically, they wilt under a hot grill of high quality England fast bowling. I won't spoil the surprise for you; suffice to say that just before tea, Australia are 143 all out (Tremlett 8-37).
Against that background, one would have thought that Alastair Cook would be entirely at ease as he opens England's response. But that is not so: it is only a few minutes since he had received an awful shock. He had opened his kit-bag, only to find a live Koala Bear - hidden there by Michael Clarke, in a characteristically coarse attempt to disturb the England opener's mental preparations. After five minutes which would not have been out of place in Laurel and Hardy, Paul Collingwood had caught the beast, and the England team had christened the animal Alice. But Cook is a decent man and, oh God! - he had heard Merv Hughes and Mike Gatting discussing whether they could barbecue her. England security supremo Reg Dickinson had assured Cook that he would look after her, but as waits for Mitchell Johnson, he cannot help but be concerned about Alice's well-being.
Johnson is approaching the crease now; but as he enters his delivery stride, Alice's friendly looking face jumps into Cook's mind. Cook pulls away, forcing Johnson to abandon the ball. Cook is in trouble, in turmoil. His head tells him England must comes first, but in his heart he is only thinking about Alice. He is not sure he can continue batting, but then something happens which will change the face of Ashes' cricket forever: the Channel Nine cameras zoom in on Alice, safely perched on England analyst Gemma Broad's lap, cheerfully tucking into a carrot. Cook sees this on the big screen and is immediately reassured. He knows that Alice is safe, and it's no surprise when in the last over before the close of play, he clips Beer through the mid-wicket to reach his third hundred of the series. As he returns to the dressing room to cuddle a delighted Alice, England have long surpassed Australia's score and are on 190-2.
England have a splendid second day of the Test Match. It had become clear the previous day that Beer was an awful bowler, but nevertheless Ponting persists with him againsgt Kevin Pietersen. It is Pietersen's pleasure, as he plays an exhibitionist innings full of flair, pleasure and destruction, eventually getting stumped on 212 trying to break the world record for the biggest six. England end the day on 434 for 6 (Pietersen 212, Cook 111).
They might well have scored more, but the day is, in fact, brought to a premature close by an unexpected tropical storm which strikes Perth. The storm continues: and day three is, unfortunately, lost to rain. It is horrible weather. After lunch, Ponting takes Strauss to one side. The Australian suggests that the match should be abandoned, so that the Barmy Army members waiting patiently in the stands can get into the dry. But Strauss is having none of it. He explains that many England supporters are from the North, where it often rains and it is almost always cold. They are hardy souls. But with the weather worsening, he agrees after that the teams and their supporters should return to their respective hotels. Alice is hugely relieved to return to the Hotel Splendid. She is very frightened by the lightning, particularly when a thunderbolt hits the pavilion and causes Ricky Ponting's name to explode on the electronic scoreboard.
The weather is formidable overnight, and whilst the sunshine has returned by the morning, play is impossible on day four as the groundsmen clear up the mess.
At 10:30 on the morning of the fifth day, Umpire Taufel declares that the pitch is playable. Strauss immediately declares, leaving the Australians trying to bat out the final day to secure a draw. Hughes fails again, but this time Ponting is more successful, playing Tremlett with the talent that has guided him through his immense Test Match career. He and Michael Clarke are able to guide Australia to 104-2. Surely it'll be a draw?
But the match is thrown into turmoil for the Australians once again, just after lunch. Clarke is a superb player of spin, but Swann is able to bowl him through the gate, in a triumph for the former Northamptonshire twirler. Hussey fails again, edging Swann to slip, and suddenly Ponting finds himself batting with Brad Haddin. Haddin is able to keep Ponting company, but just before tea he falls lbw to a ball that keeps low from Tremlett. The scoring is slow, but surely Australia can't lose from 210 for 5 at tea?
The tensionometer edges a little higher, though, as Steve Smith is dismissed after tea - six down now - but Johnson and Ponting are able to bat out a further fifteen overs. They also push ahead the scoring rate. The match is almost up, then, as Anderson and Finn take the second new ball. It does the trick: Johnson simply misses a swinging full-toss from Anderson and is out lbw, and Beer proves he is no better with bat than ball, as he edges the following ball to Anderson to Strauss at slip. When Peter Siddle is bowled by Steven Finn, the Australians know they are in trouble: there are seven overs left, with England just having one wicket to claim. But Ponting is at the other end, hitting out in order to try to make England bat again.
One over to go now. One wicket to get. James Anderson bowling. Australia three runs behind: England will not have time to bat again, so if Ponting can hit a boundary, the match will be drawn. Anderson runs in, and bowls an in-swinger. The ball clips the inside of the bat, and narrowly misses the leg-stump. Finn is charging round the boundary to stop the ball from going for four, but it is too far for him. Surely the ball will go for four, and the match will be drawn?
But what is this? Alice has escaped from the England dressing room, and has run onto the outfield. She is eating her way through one of the many apples which the Australian supporters have thrown at Ian Bell, when the ball strikes her on the backside. The ball stops dead, just inside the boundary rope. Finn hurls the ball back to Matthew Prior, who whips the bails off to run out Ponting, who is celebrating at the other end of the pitch.
The umpires consult, and ask the third umpire to check that Alice's tail was not touching the boundary room when the ball hit her. Eventually, it is concluded that the ball has not gone for four, and England have won by an innings and two runs. Alice runs to her master, Alastair Cook. Her bottom is quite sore, but England's new heroine feels much better for a cuddle.
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