A victory for good manners and common sense

Kevin Pietersen plays after apologising and admitting he has been a very naughty boy.  He is forced to write "I recognise that both Andrew Strauss and Andy Flower are both splendid; and what is more, I realise I must never indulge in paranoid fantasies about my teammates." some 250 times. As a precaution, Captain Strauss insists that Pietersen hands over each of his seven mobile telephones twenty minutes before the start of play. That is the end of the matter and they are all friends again.

The first day, disturbed as it is by rain, is short-lived. But in the 32 overs possible, Steven Finn and James Anderson make significant in-roads into the South African batting line-up.  And the run-rate is poor; Hashim Amla's efforts to frustrate the England bowlers backfire, as Simon Taufel gets bored and decides to give him out lbw, even though the ball pitched half a yard outside leg-stump. 66-6 at the end of day one.

AB de Villiers and Dale Steyn hold up the England seam-bowlers at the start of day two, taking the score on to 160-6. With twenty minutes to go before lunch, Strauss turns to Pietersen for advice.  Pietersen asks for a bowl; and de Villiers falls a natural prey to one that turns and bounces, with the ball pricking off his low gloves into the hands of Ian Bell at silly point.  The rest of the South African innings subsides meakly, and they are bowled out for 178.  England bat well throughout the rest of the day.  Pietersen is dragged to the crease when Cook is dismissed 15 minutes before the close; but he plays well, and there seems to be only one possible winner with the score on 190-2.

Pietersen and Trott play well on the third day, on a benign pitch.  The score is 587-6 at close of play, with both Pietersen and Trott scoring 222, in a brace of innings almost designed by fate herself to wind up the South Africans.  In his post-play interview, wearing a handsome ECB blazer which is announced as the England cricket team's new Lords uniform, Strauss explains that England wanted to get a big first innings lead, as the South African batsmen are dull, they have every reason to play for a draw and the Lords pitch is amazingly good. 

He need not have worried. By close of play on the fourth day, the South Africans are crying into their beer.  England have won by an innings and 48 runs, following a destructive spell of bowling by Steven Finn.  Collaborating on their podcast for the BBC website, Jonathan Agnew exclaims that Finn's spell of 8-17 sets a new benchmark in polite hostility, whereas Geoffrey Boycott complains that the South African batsmen have let their country down by not moving their feet.

Olympic Relief

"Come on boys," chirps Graeme Smith, cock-a-hoop with England struggling on 66-4 on a fruity Headlingley track, "he's only 5'52 tall. That is approximately 1.95 times the height of an average Springbok"

And so starts the Test career of England's new number six, James Taylor.  It has been an odd day, with rain preventing any play before tea. Taylor's first three balls from Morne Morkel pass a foot over his head. His third ball is on a good length, outside off-stump, and seams in. In the TMS commentary box, Michael Vaughan gasps as the ball rears towards Taylor's head.  But Taylor swings the ball round, past Dale Steyn at fine leg, to take an excellent first boundary.  

With five minutes to go before close of play, he looks a test cricketer, at 45 not out.  He is batting well, and has made Imran Tahir in particular look slightly foolish.  Smith brings Morkel back. With the last ball of the day, Morkel hits Taylor on the shoulder.  The South Africans all go up for lbw, and review the decision using the DRS system, but Hawkeye shows the ball is missing the off stump. 

Still, though, the South Africans are not happy.  Overnight, Smith applies for Judicial Review of Third Umpire Rob Bailey's decision not to overturn the onfield umpire's decision.  Court delays briefly threaten a start to the next day's play, but fortunately Tugendhat J has tickets, and quickly dismisses the South Africans' application. Taylor's innings continues at 11:00 am. 

It is over, though in the last over before tea. He is the last man out, having scored 144, with the England total  at 356 - a shade under par, but it has been cloudy.  

The South Africans struggle.  James Anderson is clearly unhappy by being compared unfavourably to Dale Steyn, and bowls significantly quicker - and Graeme Smtih quickly edges him to Graeme Swann at second slip.  Hashim Amla is then dismissed in bizarre circumstances, hooking the ball into Ian Bell's helmet at short leg, only for the ball to ricochet to 'keeper Matthew Prior. When Stuart Broad hits a tuft of grass on a convenient length, a tired looking Jacques Kallis has little alternative but to edge the ball to third slip.  Jacques Rudolph, playing at his former home ground, briefly threatens to delay England, but Swann traps him lbw, and after that, the rattled South Africans subside very quickly. They are eventually dismissed for 122 all out. There is very widespread criticism of AB de Villiers' decision to play for the South African hockey team at the Olympics in the evening, with de Villiers only able to explain that he did not expect to have to bat that evening. Anyway, Andrew Strauss immediately asks a grumpy looking Smith to follow on. 

The third day is an unsuccessful one for the South Africans.  Smith looks grumpy, but the unattractiveness of his play is matched by its effectiveness: he bats all day for a well fought 55*. But at the other end, Swann is able to claim wickets at regular intervals.  By close of play, the South Africans have still not achieved parity, and an early conclusion to the match seems to be imminent, with the score at 222-9. 

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain. 

But the South Africans' hopes of an escape built on adverse meteorology are dashed: once again, the South Africans are undone by their own team. With ten minutes to go before the start of play, Smith makes the awful discovery that Vernon Philander is in London, representing South African in the Olympic weightlifting tournament. The match is declared forfeited.

As James Taylor readies himself to receive a man-of-the-match cheque which is nearly three times' his length, the presentation ceremony takes an unexpected turn of events. The interviews are interrupted by the national anthem, and suddenly appears the slight figure of HM The Queen. She is beearing medals.

She briefly explains that Test Match cricket has, at the very last minute, been awarded Olympic status.  The remaining squads having failed to attend, the England team are awarded the Gold Medal, the Umpires are given the Silver, and the South Africans the Bronze. 

NWS sincerely hopes he has been nice enough not to be arrested. 

The Kevin Pietersen grudge match

"To play one day cricket, or not to play international cricket" ponders Kevin Pietersen. He sits motionless, cross legged on the sodden Oval outfield, threading a daisy chain.  

The emotion is almost too much for him: it has been a huge day. England's victory, his own 158, Steven Finn's 8-28 and the tears of the South Africans, mourning Mark Boucher's sudden and unexpected retirement. 

Pietersen feels a pair of eyes looking down upon him.  He looks up to Graeme Smith, smiling smugly on the Oval balcony. He knows what he has to do. He stands up, and makes his way slowly towards Andy Flower's office, thinking only about how to persuade the England coach to take him back. 

NWS - an apology

Regularly readers of NWS will be well aware of its profound accuracy and faith to the facts, as they are about to unfold.  How true that is became apparent today.  Previously, it had always been assumed that NWS followed the facts.  All that changed today.  As the rain came down at Edgbaston, it became clear that the reverse is true: the facts follow NWS.  Imagine the horror of NWS, as it was clear that there would be no cricket, because there was no NWS prediction.

To rectify the position, and to improve the weather tomorrow, NWS can hereby confirm that England will win the third test match by 106 runs, with Steven Finn taking sixteen wickets, and Sunil Narine taking 1-216.

In the meantime, NWS would wish to apologise to all those hopeful spectators who turned up at Edgbaston today. Your suffering had weighed heavy on NWS' conscience.

Twitter

It is the last straw for Andy Flower. After Kevin Pietersen caused havoc at the MCC, by tweeting the rumour that Graeme Swann would abandon the Test Match to sing for the United Kingdom in the Eurovision Song Contest, the iPads of the entire England are fitted with a new application. The "Focus on Cricket" application gives the user a mild electric shock, if they attempt to log on to any social media website. It takes Pietersen several times to understand how - and indeed that - it works.  

As it is, Darren Sammy wins the toss, and elects to bat. Things get off to a pretty bad start; James Anderson and Stuart Broad bowl particularly well, and West Indies subside to 24-2.  However, Adrian Barath and Darren Bravo nurse the West Indians to lunch with no further alarm.  There is little to recommend the remainder of the day; Tim Bresnan continues to bowl every single delivery half a yard outside off stump, and Graeme Swann is off form. By close of play, it is the West Indies who are on top at 255-3.

The England effort is much improved on Saturday; the explanation given by the ECB is that Andy Flower gave the team a "talking to" on Friday night, whereas the Sky television links it to the tidal moments of the River Trent. However, the truth is more complex; bored by the Twitter ban, James Anderson and Graeme Swann have turned to a spare copy of Wisden, and have spent Friday night studying the form of their opponents. Anderson was intrigued to discover that Shivnarine Chanderpaul is dismissed leg before wicket on a disproportionate number of occasions, and resolved to bowler a little straighter to him. No surprise then, that Chanderpaul fell lbw in the first over of the day.  That is the catalyst for a "Calypso Collapso", as Michael Holding sadly describes it. Three overs before lunch, the West Indies have folded for 298 all out.  

The remainder of the day sees just one wicket, as Jonathan Trott and Alastair Cook both set about enormously long innings. Both innings progress through Sunday, and perhaps out of boredom, Andrew Strauss declares late on Sunday night with the score on 500-1. 

Monday is, unfortunately, like shooting ducks for the England bowlers. The weather is overcast, and West Indian after West Indian has little alternative but to prod forward to the England seamers, hopefully but hopelessly, the ball flying off their hapless bats to the alert slip cordon. It is England who are sipping the champagne by 3:20 in the afternoon, shortly after an in-swinger from James Anderson shatters Kemar Roach's stumps.  England win by an innings and 32 runs. 

Calypso Spirit

Just before play on Thursday morning, the surprise selections of Jack Brooks and Stuart Meaker, standing in for the food poisoned James Anderson and Stuart Broad, means the Lords murmur is an octave higher than usual.

Brooks in particular is a tired man.  His 11-2-12-7 at Canterbury was harder work than it sounds, and the call-up from England at 9:30 in the morning came as a complete surprise.  But two hours later, as he looks down at the cherry glossed Duke ball at Lords and sees the three golden lions on the side of the ball, he knows his chance has come. 

"This man got an eeevil bandana," responds Adrian Barath, opening the batting for the West Indies, "and he's got a naasty mullet."

But it proves to be Brooks' bowling, rather than his haircut, that is truly malevolent. The strong Steelback starts in, walking his first stride before getting into stride. He approaches the crease at the Nursery End. He leaps into his delivery stride, and with an effortless balance lets the ball go at 85 mph. The ball arrives on a length, and Barath is unsure what to do; it rears at him, and catches the edge of his "Calypso 55" bat.  The ball flies to Jonny Bairstow, fielding in his first test match at gully. 

That is the highlight of an abbreviated day of cricket, as rain sets in just after noon.  With play abandoned for the day at Lords, Brooks contemplates going down to Canterbury to help out his beloved Northamptonshire, but an ECB official - later proved to be a Kent spy - forbids Brooks from doing joining his teammates. 

Perhaps that is a blessing for Brooks, though, as Friday is a blustery day, and Brooks and Meaker both get a long bowl.  Meaker bowls particularly quickly, but decisive strokeplay from Darren Bravo in particular means that the game is finely balanced. At close of play, the score is 346-8. 

10:30 Saturday morning, and Darren Sammy is getting ready to continue his careful innings. But he looks up at the leaden skies, and reflects: who would want to bat against Finn, Meaker and Brooks in this weather?  On a whim, he declares.  His smart decision reaps immediate rewards: the England openers are ill-prepared, and in just the third over, Kemar Roach bowls Alastair Cook through the gate. Jonathan Trott edges the next ball to Barath at slip, and it is as if West Indian cricket is back in its glory days once more.  Despite a pugnacious 76 from Bairstow, in his maiden test innings, England are finally bowled out just after tea, for 226, and whilst Finn takes three before the close, the West Indies have a distinct advantage of 63-3.   

Unfortunately, due to a diary error the West Indians are obliged to attend a rum tasting event at the Barbadian embassy that night. The next morning, the effects are mixed: "I am feeling groggy, man. That Captain Morgan has given me bad sensations" complains Dwayne Bravo as Jonathan Agnew interviews him just before play starts. At first, it seems Darren Bravo is inspired by his hangover, taking 22 off the first five balls of Graeme Swann's first over. But he skies the final ball of the Nottinghamshire twirler's over, and the ball is caught by Kevin Pietersen at cover point.  

"Very very stupid indeed. Quite unforgivable, that," tuts Test Match Special guest commentator, Ritchie Benaud. His disappointment is audible and understandable, as despite a resolute innings from Darren Sammy, the West Indian innings subsides. When Brooks takes a sharp caught and bowled chance just after lunch, they are all out for 132. England are set 253 to win. 

England captain Strauss is nursing a migraine, so Trott and Cook open the batting. They play well to take the England innings to 54, before Cook edges Shane Shillingford to Darren Bravo at slip.  Pietersen and Bell follow cheaply, and when Bairstow falls twenty minutes before the close, England are precariously poised at 152-4. But Brooks agrees to act at nightwatchman, much in his own style. In the last over of the day, he clubs Shillingford for two giant sixes in the Mound Stand.  The balance of power has shifted again; presumably England cannot lose from 182-4? 

Indeed they can't, as it turns out.  In very different styles, Brooks and Trott polish off the remaining runs. Trott is able to celebrate his century, before Brooks drives Shillingford through the covers to seal an England victory.  

A blueprint for life

England's batting on the first morning at Colombo is dreadful. Not even Graeme Swann's rendition of Glen Campbell's Rhinestone Cowboy can cheer the England dressing room at lunchtime. Things get little better in the afternoon, and only a resolute stand between Jonathan Trott and Tim Bresnan is able to lift the innings over 200. Just after tea, Steven Finn's off-stump is pegged back, and Jonathan Agnew looks through the shimmering heat to see 212-10 on the scoreboard.

Things are little better in London. Sitting in his flat above 10 Downing Street, David Cameron listens in dismay to Francis Maude's announcement that all the animals in Longleat are to be slain, in order to save the petrol used to fuel the estate's fleet of Land Rovers. He decides he needs a break from self-important ministers, and switches the radio over to the cricket. He hears the score and starts to weep.

As Jonathan Agnew runs through the scoreboard, Geoffrey Boycott comments on what an accomplished batsman Jonathan Trott is. Cameron sips some tea. He ponders that England's best batsman is, in fact, South African. Downcast, he says to himself that this is a failure on the part of English domestic cricket, before suddenly being improved by an alternative perspective: that Jonathan Trott is an indication of the success of English cricket. He and Kevin Pietersen have paid a generous compliment to English cricket by moving here. They decided that England was a better place than South Africa to play cricket - and that's great, because they both seem to be decent people.

But as he listens to Agnew running through the England scorecard, Cameron is puzzled to learn that a bowler has been dropped as a result of England's poor batting performance in Galle. And not just any bowler: Monty Panesar. The team's most enthusiastic and hardworking player has been dropped.

Cameron turns the radio down, and reflects a moment longer: England is a team which is improved by its imports, but where the ones who quietly work hard do not always get the greatest reward. Yes, thinks Cameron, England is a team which is improved by its imports, but where the ones who quietly work hard do not always get the greatest reward. A cricket team is a microcosm for the nation it represents, and more generally, cricket is a metaphor for life.

Cameron realises what he must do, to improve both his country and improve its cricket team. For they are one and the same thing. He announces what the BBC calls a "package of measures" intended to improve people, including the allocation of additional votes to those with higher IQ levels, government incentives for good manners and lower rates of tax for the hardest working (but not necessarily the highest earning).

After a performance demonstrating enormous commitment in sapping heat, England are able to turn the match around, and win by three wickets.