On Her Majesty's Secret Service

Relaxing beside the team hotel's swimming pool, Andy Flower is telling Andrew Strauss about the time he sabotaged Henry Olonga's guitar, when Strauss is rescued by the ring of Flower's mobile telephone. London number, caller unknown.

"Good afternoon, Mr Flower. I'm sure you know who this is."

"Yes Ma'am, I recognise your voice. What can I do for you?"

"Well as you may know, Prince Philip and I have very much enjoyed following England's performances over the last few years, both at home and abroad, but we were both very disappointed about the performance last week. The batting was poor, but we were also very concerned about the team selection. Now I wanted to enquire of you: you are going to play Monty Panesar in the second test match, please?"

"Actually, Ma'am, we believe the current balance of the side works well for us..."

"...shut up, Interflora, and listen. England needs two spinners, and if you don't agree I've got 120 Coldstream Guards outside my window who'll say you're wrong. Now let me ask you one more time: are you going to play Monty Panesar?"

"Why, of course I am, Ma'am."

-----

"Time to bat now, Monty," enthuses Andrew Strauss, patting the Sussex and former Northamptonshire twirler on the back, as Matt Prior starts putting on his wicket-keeping gear. England are on 180-9, and it's been another bad day against Saeed Ajmal.

Panesar gets to the wicket, greeted by Graeme Swann, who is on 55 not out and is playing well.

"He's bowling well," explains the Nottinghamshire and former Northamptonshire spinner, "you have to watch for the doosra and teesra."

"I'm sure you're right."

Panesar settles himself, and prepares to face Ajmal. The little Pakistani bowler trundles in, pauses and coils up, before springing the ball out of his little fingers. The ball pitches on the off-stump, ready to turn away from Panesar's bat. But oh no, what is this? The doosra, turning into Panesar's pads for a certain lbw; only to be swatted away into the leg-side by the smiling Panesar.

"I think you'll need to work on disguising it," remarks Panesar to Ajmal as he turns for the second.

-----

Spirits are high in the England camp, after Swann's 132 and Panesar's 78*, but Younus Khan is good batsman, and the England bowlers have not been able to get past him. Sitting pretty with a score of 56*, the Pakistan batsman is heading towards a big century - and Strauss knows it. Again and again he rotates his bowlers, in the spirit of Captain Kirk trying to regain control of the USS Enterprise by furiously pressing random buttons. Finally, he tosses the ball to Panesar, who drops it.

But the hopes of all England are dashed, as Younus shuffles down the pitch, and drives Panesar over mid-off for a towering six.

"Not so splendid now, are you?" sneers Younus to Panesar.

"It will be the next ball. Have you not read NWS?" asks Panesar.

Panesar shuffles in, before ripping the ball out of his fingers, pitching it on the line on Younus' off-stump. Deceived by the buzz as the ball passes through the air, Younus plays for prodigious spin, but it is not there; rather, the ball darts into his stumps. The ball licks the inside edge, popping up to bat-padman Ian Bell. Bell takes a smart catch, but Younus has to be sent on his way by Umpire Billy Bowden, before he reluctantly accepts his fate.

-----

As he picks up his man-of-the-match award, the keys to a small office block, Monty Panesar speaks to the Sky TV's Michael Atherton.

"Well Monty, you certainly showed that you were splendid today. In your time out of the England team, did you ever doubt you had it in you to come back?" asks the television pundit.

"I always knew I was splendid, but I particularly want to thank the England management for showing faith in me," responds Panesar.

Back in London, a little octogenarian lady smiles into her tea.

NWS - A protest

It will not escape the notice of NWS' avid readership that no cricket forecast has been prepared for the first test match.

It must be understood that this is not the action of a lazy man who has been tidying up after having the builders in. No, this is a protest against the shameful antics of Saeed Ajmal, at the end of the morning of the third and final day of this match. Yes him, with his foolish protests against the umpire's decision to uphold Monty Panesar's appeal for leg before wicket, as the former Steelback takes the seventeenth of his nineteen wickets in England's victory by 343 runs.

Thomas and the Big Cricket Match

"Wake up, Thomas!" said the Fat Controller, "You've got a very important job to do today. You've got to take some very good cricketers from their team hotel to a cricket pitch at Vauxhall. They're playing a very important cricket match at the Oval."

After Thomas' fireman had stoked up his boiler, Thomas made his way to the railway station near the team hotel. Annie and Clarabel were very excited: "Tendulkar's last chance, Tendulkar's last chance," they chortled.

When they got to the station, they picked up the England team, the coaches and the backroom support staff. Annie and Clarabel were very full. Then they all set off for Vauxhall. They were delayed for twenty minutes due to a signal failure at Surbiton, but Thomas arrived at Vauxhall just in time.

"Good luck!" tooted Thomas, as he headed back to the yard at Clapham Junction for a rest.

Later that day, Thomas headed back to Vauxhall to pick up the players after the first day's play. The England players were very excited, because they had declared on 514-3 at the end of the first day. Thomas didn't know much about cricket but his driver said that was very good.

The next morning, Thomas was surprised to be told that he had to go back to Vauxhall, but the Fat Controller explained that it was such an important cricket match that it took five days.

Thomas was very proud to be associated with such an important cricket match, and he boasted Percy about it: "I've been entrusted with a cricket match. You only had to take Manchester United to a football match. Football only takes 90 minutes and the players behave like animals."

Percy just blushed, because he knew Thomas was right.

But in the middle of the afternoon, the Fat Controller returned to the yard to say that Thomas had to rush to Vauxhall: the cricket match had ended earlier than expected. Thomas was very upset: his driver explained that India had been bowled out for 42 after following on. Thomas didn't know what "following on" meant, but he carried on to Vauxhall anyway.

When he got there, the England players were waiting for him on the platform. They looked like they were trying to be happy, but were actually sad. Thomas asked Andrew Strauss what the matter was. Strauss explained to Thomas that he was worried that test match cricket was losing its validity because India hadn't tried hard enough. He was also sad because Sachin Tendulkar had announced his retirement, without having scored his hundredth hundred in international cricket.

When Thomas thought about the passing of someone great, he became very sad too. But he knew he had a very important job to do. He set off from Vauxhall to his destination. At every station, people stood and cheered the England team. Soon, Thomas was feeling better again. Finally, he reached the England team's station and dropped them off. They all thanked Thomas, and said goodbye.

Finally, Thomas head back to his shed at Clapham, and soon fell asleep. It had been a very busy two days.

Cricket, not television theft

Cricket grounds do have spirits, and it is a sombre spirit which hangs over Edgbaston on Wednesday morning, as MS Dhoni and Andrew Strauss toss up. The Indian wins the toss, and having regard to the outcome of the previous two test matches, it's hardly surprising that he decides to bat.

Virender Sehwag, who has taken the place of Yuvraj Singh despite a failure at Northampton, gets off to an excellent start. Jocular but wrong Northamptonshire supporters suggest that Stuart Broad and James Anderson are not as good as Luke Evans and Dave Burton, but it almost appears they have a point as Sehwag reaches his fifty, twenty minutes before lunch, and reaches his hundred, twenty minutes after lunch. What a relief it must be for the English bowlers, when in the mid-afternoon play is suspended for ten minutes, due to sunlight shining off Shane Warne's forehead into the batsmen's eyes, and again moments after the resumption, when Graeme Swann removes the little Indian with a ball that turns through the gate to disturb the off-stump. That relief turns to joy, and that joy turns to rapture, as Swann accelerates through the Indian innings. By close of play, India are on 315-8 (Sehwag 123, Swann 6-65). Michael Atherton, writing his leader for The Times, comments how evenly the match seems to be poised: can the Indians, asks Atherton, summon enough runs to set Amit Mishra a reasonable target to bowl at in the final innings?

Some brutalist bowling from Stuart Broad sees him dismiss the final two Indian batsmen first thing on Thursday morning; but when the England innings starts at 11:30, the morning dew has lifted and Edgbaston has become an excellent batting pitch. Sreesanth and RP Singh bowl well, but the placid pitch complements the undoubted skills of Strauss and fellow opener Alistair Cook. It hardly seems fair on the Indians as the England score rattles along, like a tank engine chortling through a rural greensward.

It might, at this point, be expected that the pattern of the previous tests should be followed, that England should score a colossal score against a poor and unfit bowling attack. But in the mid-afternoon, MS Dhoni brings on little spinner Amit Mishra, and he is quickly able to penetrate the England batting unit: it's wickets galore, as nervous England batsman after nervous England batsman is deceived by Mishra, in scenes reminiscent of many England "performances" in the early to mid-nineties. There is some spirited resistance from Stuart Broad and Matthew Prior, but even they are only able to drag the score to 225 all out: precisely 100 behind.

The remainder of the match is a pitch battle between two excellent teams. During the second Indian innings, the batting is brave, as Rahul Dravid crafts out one of his slower innings, but there is little scope for a release, with the England bowling never less than excellent. Finally, Dravid plays no stroke and is out lbw to one of Ravi Bopara's little dobbers, and that proves to be the key needed to unlock the door to the Indian innings. In order to make sure Broad is fully steamed up for the Indian tail, Andrew Strauss cleverly keeps the tall fast bowler out of the attack for a few overs, preferring instead to let Bopara continue at new batsman Suresh Raina. The strategy pays unexpected dividends, as Bopara dismisses both Raina and Dhoni three overs later. Then, and only then, is Broad invited to bowl: and he duly delivers, to finally dismiss the Indians for 255.

That leaves England needing to score 356 to win, over almost five sessions. Surely too much? Perhaps not: due to Cook having a stomach bug, Ian Bell is promoted to open the batting with Alistair Cook. He launches an assault - for no other word is fit to explain it - on the Indian bowling. Sreesanth opens the bowling, but is overexcited, and by simply playing good shots against poor bowling, Bell is able to take 18 off Sreesanth's first over, and a further 16 in his second. Remarkably, by the fifth over, the England score reaches fifty, with Strauss having scored only two of the runs. Meeting mid-pitch, Strauss punches Bell's gloves, and sensing that the Indians are on the run, the England captain challenges his talented batsman to reach his century in the ten overs remaining before tea. Bell manages it with three overs to spare, and by the time the England openers tuck into their ham and pickle sandwiches, the score is 135 for 0 (Bell 112*, Strauss 17*). Sitting in the TMS commentary box, Henry Blofeld described Bell's innings as "absolutely splendid".

Alas, all good things must come to and end, and in the first over after, Bell surrenders his wicket, playing no stroke to a googly from Mishra. As one, the city of Birmingham stands to applaud Bell's innings. The remainder of the day passes unremarkably, however, as the now-recovered Cook and his captain continue to chip away at the Indian bowling. By the close of play, England are on 217-1, and it is understandable that MS Dhoni should be frowning as he walks back to the visitor's dressing room.

The final day is dominated by the pitch. It is now crumbling, and takes the spin offered by Mishra and Raina. When Strauss, looking a touch weary, chips Mishra to mid-wicket, a clutch of wickets fall as the incoming batsmen struggle to meet the difficult conditions. Mishra grows in confidence, and by lunch, it must be said that England look quite troubled at 279-5, with Bopara and Prior at the crease. There is great concern in the TMS commentary box that Bopara will buckle under the pressure. But no: he goes to another place in the afternoon, and try as Prior might to converse with the Essex batsman between overs, all Bopara is capable of saying is "I am going to bat splendidly today". So it proves. Finally, he concludes the day's play by clouting Mishra for a commanding six over mid-wicket, as England win an excellent match by five wickets.

Trent Bridge

Zaheer hasn't fully recovered for the start of the second test match, and the excitable Sreesanth - resplendent with his pink hair, by Tony and Guy - is given the new ball with Praveen Kumar. Otherwise both teams are unchanged

According to the children's rhyme, Friday's child is loving and giving, and that could be a fair description of Sreesanth's bowling. Trent Bridge has a reputation for supporting swing bowling, and seeking to maximise that advantage Messrs Kumar and Sreesanth bowl very full to the England batsmen, who tuck in with a series of drives and clips off the pads. Within 10 overs, England have 50 runs on the board. Ishant Sharma is summoned, and he promptly gets Andrew Strauss to edge behind. Nevertheless, Jonathan Trott bats steadily until lunch; and then until tea; and then until the close. It's 350-5 (Trott 135*) at close of play. The ball does not swing all day.

Criclet has a funny way of playing tricks on cricketers, and on the second day it is all change - the ball swings. Although Praveen Kumar is pulled out of the attack by Billy Bowden for running down the pitch in his follow through, Sharma and Sreesanth run through the England lower order, so that they are bowled out for 415. Sitting in the TMS commentary box, Henry Blofeld remarks that the match is delictately poised on a placid batting pitch.

It remains so, as over the next couple of days, as India and England respectively score 359 (Mukund 133, Broad 5-75) and 249 (Broad 75, Harbhajan 6-28) respectively, in a pair of unremarkable innings. India have got to score 306 to win.

But perhaps that balance was always destined to skew, when the shiny cricket ball was given to James Anderson. In his very first over, he traps Abhinav Mukund leg before wicket. Rahul Dravid is able to see out the over, but in Anderson's next over, Gautam Ghambir is dismissed in the same manner, such that Sachin Tendulkar is brought to the crease to rapturous applause. He gets off the mark with a boundary off his first ball through the covers; a prologue for the splendid innings which is to follow. However, the Indian innings is what Bob Willis calls a staccato affair, as one by one the sub-contitenters fall to the hair-gelled duo of Anderson and Stuart Broad.

All except Sachin Tendulkar - he quickly reaches fifty, and powers through the sixties and seventies. That hundredth hundred looks inevitable; but then something happens. A lapse in concentration? Perhaps. Graeme Swann is bowling round the stumps, and lands one on the line of middle stump. The ball turns and bounces, striking the little master on the flap of his front pad, still in front of middle; the England fielders appeal with a raucous alacrity, turning to Umpire Bowden for a response. He ponders a moment; no trouble about the line, but what about height? The ball the flap of Tendulkar's pad, but then, Billy thinks, Tendulkar is short. With that slightly embaressed look, he raises his crooked finger to send Tendulkar on his way. The Indian team, the Indian supporters and perhaps all of the Indian viewers are horrified to note Hawkeye's projection that the ball would have bounced over the stump. The decision would clearly have been reversed, had the full DRS been in operation. Bowden's unfortunate mis-decision marks the beginning of the end for the Indian effort, and the innings subsides to 188 all out.

Within an hour, Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh issues the following statement to the waiting press:

"I believe in England they have a saying for this situation: we have been hoist by our own petard. We have lost this cricket match because the full DRS was not in operation, at our request. Sachin Tendulkar, the jewel of Indian batting, has been robbed of his rightful crown.

We were duped by the duplicitous schemes of the ECB, who persuaded us to argue that Hawkeye technology should not be part of the DRS decision making process. We have immediately petitioned the ICC to make the full use of Hawkeye compulsory for the remainder of the series. In the meantime, we have suspended coach Duncan Fletcher for failing to point out to us this clear and present danger to Indian cricket."

Flair's flares

Sachin Tendulkar pumps his fist in celebration as he comes back for a second run, to move to the landmark century. And as he arrives back at his crease, his eyes meet the beginning of a remarkable series of fireworks, paid for by the Indian Institute of Splendid Batsmen (IISB). One after another, bolts of fire are launched over the heads of the slightly puzzled members, sitting before the famous Lord's pavilion. Finally, a crescendo - the fireworks meet in the sky to read a message for the little maestro: "WELL DONE SACHIN - SPLENDID EFFORT OVER THE YEARS".

Such is Sachin's excitement, however, that he is deceived by the following ball from the excellent Stuart Broad, which creeps through the little chap's defenses to chip his off stump. As if disappointed by Tendulkar's dismissal, the umpires call close of play ten minutes early, because of fading light, but even in that North London gloom, Stuart Broad's smile is as white as a polar bear as he contemplates his five wicket haul, together with the corresponding inscription of his name on the Lord's honours board. At close of play on day one, the match is well poised with India on 312-9 (Tendulkar 100, Ghambir 112, Broad 5-63).

The tension is high on the morning of day two. Lord's is abuzz with the news that overnight, Christopher Martin-Jenkins was summarily dismissed by Test Match Special producers, following revelations in The Guardian that he once wrote a column for The Times, which is a Murdoch newspaper. With just thirty minutes to go, he is reinstated following a special appeal by Jonathan Agnew on his Twitter account. With the TMS commentary line-up is sorted out, conversation in the media centre turns to the state of the match. Can Andrew Strauss withstand Zaheer Khan's penetrative left-arm swing? The question becomes academic, though, as before play begins Zaheer twists his ankle playing Australian rules football on the outfield in the team warm-up. He is out for the series, and with the left-armer unable to bat, the Indian innings is closed at 312 all out.

Without Zaheer, there is relatively little for the English batsmen to worry about, and sadly, the cricket on day two is fairly unremarkable. Before the day is out, Alistair Cook has reached his nineteenth test match century, Jonathan Trott has ground his way to his seventh and England close on 362 for 2. The boredom is only broken when Kevin Pietersen tries to hit Harbhajan Singh into the nursery ground, but only succeeds in cracking one of the panes of glass in the media centre. The author of this column finds this remarkable, as he is given to understand that the panes have been designed to withstand blows from cricket balls travelling at over than 60 mph.

In a positive step, England choose to press on through the third day. Commentating on Sky TV's coverage, Nasser Hussain explains the England camp's thinking: "The likes of your Dravids, your Sehwags and your Tendulkars, they won't want to be batting against Graeme Swann on a turning pitch with India 300 runs behind." That theory is finally put to the test when England declare on 606 for 6 (Cook 125*, Trott 125, Pietersen 123, Harbahjan 5-182). However, India bat well to close on 110-1, before play is brought to a premature close by a thunderstorm travelling up from the South West.

The fourth day is also somewhat dull; but in a good way, because England are predictably good. Under clouds as dark as a Hallowe'en night, James Anderson makes early breakthroughs, leaving Tendulkar exposed to the middle order; but just as he starts to break free against Anderson and Swann, Stuart Broad comes on to bowl a tight spell. Thus Tendulkar is resstricted to a couple of singles an over. Finally, the diminutive middle-order batsman is dismissed for the second time in the match by Stuart Broad; and somehow, it feels as if England have control of Tendulkar. The spell has been broken, Tendulkar's time is nearly done and it is time for world cricket to go in a new direction. It's difficult to be sure, but three hours later the Lord's crowd is given the slightest hint of that new direction, as Stuart Broad bowls out Harbhajan, to take his tenth wicket in the match, and to win the match for England with a day to spare.

Stadium of the Damned

Many congratulations indeed, to the owners of the Rose Bowl on the successful stage of their first test match, a triumph for cricket eventing, as they eek out every penny from the innocent fans.

After Andrew Strauss wins the toss and elects to bat, England's bright start is a metaphor for the birth of a brand new test match venue. The steely modern age amphitheatre is abuzz, with Southampton's excellent cricket supporters enjoying the privilege of the highest standard of cricket. They watch Strauss and opening partner Alistair Cook dominate the enthusiastic Sri Lankan bowling, which becomes increasingly ragged as time passes; the score is 130-0 at lunch.

The afternoon bears on, and whilst England lose Cook shortly after he has reached his 19th test match hundred, it becomes increasingly clear that the Sri Lankan bowlers are inapt for the task, regularly gifting the three-lioned Englishmen eight runs an over.

As Mike Atherton reflects on Strauss' 212* after play, he catches sight of a mother, wheeling a baby past the window of the Sky commentary box in a pram. With a shock of blonde hair; and a slightly chubby face, the infant looks Atherton in the eye and smiles, to reveal a set of pearly white teeth, sinister as they reflect the evening sun so unnaturally. The sight shakes Atherton; he has seen that face before - but where?

Day two goes well for England. Kevin Pietersen banishes some mind-devils, with his swashbuckling 204*, before Andrew Strauss declares just after lunch, with the score on 655-5. Explaining his decision, Strauss says "I can't see any point in carrying on. I challenge my bowlers to ensure that the Sri Lankans don't get anywhere near our total, even with two innings."

And it seems they can answer his challenge, as Sri Lanka subside to 156-6 at the close of play. Once again, though, Nasser Hussain notices that Atherton is troubled. Challenged, Atherton explains to his former England colleague that he has seen another baby with that same, familiar, face. He can't quite identify the face, but it spells trouble, a problem in Atherton's past. He returns to his hotel, haunted.

The third day of cricket is frankly disappointing. It is all too predictable, as Sri Lanka fold their first innings at 211 all out. They follow on, and then they fold again; only Farveez Maharoof shows any spirit as the day closes with the score at 211-9.

Mike Atherton shows the Sky viewers a 3D model of the following day's weather, which isn't promising; but his discourse is interrupted, as he sees the face again, this time in a third baby. Blonde hair, chubby face, Dulux teeth. It's almost as if the babies have had their teeth polished.

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

But the sun is shining on day five. The crowd is sparse, but there is a celebrity in town; on the home balcony stands none other than SK Warne. As the Sky cameras zoom in on the wide leg-spinner, it hits Atherton. The babies. The blonde hair. The glittering teeth. As the supporters file out of the Hampshire ground, England having won by an innings and 230 runs, he asks the Sky producers to provide him with footage of the crowds throughout the test. And oh no, for what is this? Hundreds of young mothers, all with young babies, all with pearly teeth, bleached hair and earrings. To his horror, Atherton sees what happens when Shane Warne is in town.