Renaissance

"It was a little unhelpful of Graeme to retire mid-way through an Ashes series," explains Alastair Cook, shortly after winning the toss. But after pausing for thought he adds "but then again he's allowed some latitude because he took 255 test wickets for England, and made off-spin splendid again. I expect he'll change his mind by the fifth test anyway. Either way we wish him well in next year's Strictly Come Dancing: beyond that he will have a guaranteed success in his career as team captain on A Question of Sport, Sky TV's county cricket coverage or even I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here - at his election."

Cook sensibly decides that England will bat first; but it is clear that he and Michael Carberry are under pressure from Mitchell Johnson and Ryan Harris. After one ball too many has passed by Cook's outside edge, Johnson finally snaps and calls Cook a pommie bast@rd who can't bat. After just a moment, Cook replies sadly that he couldn't disagree, based on the first three test matches of the tour.

Cook struggles on, but is eventually snared by Johnson for a canine 48. But the Australian focus on the English captain seems to take some pressure off Carberry at the other end, who bats sensibly, as he finds his feet. When he cuts Harris past point just after the drinks break, it becomes clear that the Australians have been trying to shoot the wrong fox. Carberry is away; with his shaven hair he looks as cool as he is splendid. Joe Root falls just before lunch, and Kevin Pietersen falls after lunch but Carberry carries on with Ian Bell. The Boxing Day crowd quieten as the Australian bowlers wilt, and England progress. 302-3 at close of play, with Carberry on 164 not out.

Carberry falls early on the second day, and Ben Stokes is out for 15 after batting pleasantly. But Matthew Prior bats selflessly for partner Bell, and although he only makes 12, he is able to add 87 with the increasingly dominant Warwickshireman. It is a struggle after that, but England eventually eek out a further 78 runs - and are eventually dismissed for 499 mid-way through the second afternoon.

Chris Rogers and David Warner bat well against James Anderson and Stuart Broad, and see off the new ball. But Tim Bresnan and Monty Panesar keep the scoring rate low, and eventually Panesar is able to have a frustrated Warner stumped, trying something remarkable to a ball with a bit of delicate flight.  In the following owner, Shane Watson is out lbw to a pleasing in-swinger from Bresnan. Bresnan and Anderson then bowl in harmony, using reverse swing expertly. Eventually, Anderson is able to send Michael Clarke back to the Australian dressing room, with an lbw on review from the third umpire. Suddenly, batting seems more difficult, and England are able to make steady inroads. By close of play, Australia are on 188-7, crucially with Brad Haddin out - to a straight ball from Panesar.

It doesn't take long for England to wrap up the innings on the third day. It might be poetic justice that Johnson is out gloving a fierce bouncer from Broad; but against that, it might not be. In either case, England enforce the follow on.

On a degrading pitch, it is the combination of Panesar of Bresnan which does the job for England. It takes 89 overs, but only the most inhumane of Australians would fail to understand the smile on Anderson's face as an inswinger takes out Nathan Lyon's off-stump, to tie up the victory for England.