The Oval

In a great sacrifice for the institution of the Ashes, Umpires Nigel Llong and Richard Illingworth declare that they are French, such that they are assumed to be neutral umpires who may officiate in the fifth test at The Oval.

Illingworth is pressed into action quickly, as Chris Rogers pads up to a straight ball from the towering Chris Tremlett.  Tremlett roars "How's that?"; Llong looks a little quizzical, but when a quick-witted Alastair Cook politely asks "Comment va ca?" in an accent reminiscent of the great Gordon Kaye, the problem is sold and Llong is able to send the Australian carrot-top upon his way.  After some further discussion, the Umpires agree that English will be the official language of the fifth test match.

The remainder of the day is all too predictable: Tremlett is outstandingly good, terrifying the Australian batsmen, whilst Chris Woakes bowls the ball on a length a foot outside the outside off-stump, until the shine has come off the new ball. Simon Kerrigan does not get a great deal of spin, but is able to deceive the second rate Australian batsmen with an interesting use of flight, for variation of flight is something they do not have in Australia any more.  Australia are 232 all out, ten minutes before tea.  During the remainder of the day, England accumulate 232 themselves, as Cook enjoys Nathan Lyon's bowling, and Jonathan Trott bats steadily.

The second day of the match comes under some threat as Umpires Llong and Illingworth briefly threaten to strike, because the ECB will not let them wear berets, but when Alec Stewart orders the Surrey catering staff to feed them French food until they stop behaving like Frenchmen, they quickly back down. England are able to continue their innings, and Kevin Pietersen in particular is able to play an innings of great dashing against the low grade Australian bowlers. Eventually, England declare on 601 for 2, with half an hour to go before close. There is just time for Rogers, David Warner and Usman Khawaja to be dismissed by Kerrigan, to a series of shots which should not be shown before the watershed.

The third day of the match is as a brief as it is predictable: Kerrigan and Tremlett run through the Australians, England win 4-0, everyone goes home happy and nobody notices that the Australia team have insulted the little urn itself.