He is cricket

Speaking through an interpreter, Brendon McCullum explains that New Zealand will bowl first on a Lords pitch.  He says that the weather has made him feel like he is at home.

Unfortunately for McCullum and his ill fated team-mates, at 11:15, David Steele arrives at the ground, and the sun comes out as a result. Batting becomes an easy business for the England openers, and whilst Travis Boult and Neil Wagner show enthusiasm, they also show inadequacy.  There are only two breakthroughs for New Zealand during the first morning, and on both occasions it is when Steele is on the gentleman's. Recognising the problem, Fanny in the long room refuses to serve him any more Earl Grey until Cook has reached 150. Which he does, shortly after tea. The score 376 for 4 at close of play.  There is special delight for Jonny Bairstow, who scores his maiden test century.

The second day is, however, a better one for New Zealand, under some threatening clouds. England collapse to 415 for 8, before Geoff Miller explains to the agog England dressing room that he will recall Ravi Bopara unless England score 450.

Stuart Broad responds in shock and awe: "Please...no...not..." and he turns to Graeme Swann, "Graeme, we must bat resolutely in order to avoid this awful fate." Eventually, England declare on 555 for 8, Miller clapping warmly from the England balcony, as Swann and Broad walk back up the pavilion steps, bathing in the milk of applause from men wearing silly jackets and silly ties.

But at they step into the Long Room, the hanging baskets that, um, hang from the pavilion sway a little, as a gust of wind passes. The skies darken; the gust becomes a wind; the wind becomes a tornado.  It starts to rain.  It carries on raining; for two days it rains.

The true cause of the deluge is, ultimately, unexplained. Russell Grant explains that God is displeased by the playing of Test Match Cricket in England in the month of May, whereas Jonathan Cainer suggests it is more likely to be that He is making a point about allowing Australians to play their version of football on the square at The Oval. For her part Mystic Meg says that destiny is a young man from Essex holding up a little urn in late August.

There is only one point all of the astrologists are clear on, after England have won by an innings and 32 runs late on the final day: God enjoys cricket.