Australia is a foreign country; they do things differently there

"Good God," remarks Alistair Cook to Andrew Strauss as they walk out to bat in the Woolloongabba sunshine. The two batsman look at the Australian team's haircuts, agog. Short at the front. Short at the side. Short on top. Long at the back.

"We're all taking part in 'Muvember'," explains Ricky Ponting, "the idea is that ordinarily sensible Australians grow mullets for charity in the month of November. Would you like to sponsor me?"

"Er, no thanks" replies Strauss.

He takes Cook to one side, and tells him not to be taken in by the Australians' duplicitous attempts to put them off with their Wham! barnets. But the England batsmen react in different ways, and whilst Cook retreats into "the zone", as the Sky commentators puzzlingly describe it, Strauss is visibly upset. It's not long before he snicks a lifting delivery from Doug Bollinger to Michael Clarke at slip.

That brings Jonathan Trott to the crease. He bats steadily until the teams pause briefly to eat lunch, over Neighbours. Inspired by the happy news that Scott and Charlene have got back together, Cook resumes after lunch with gusto, expressing himself against the latest Australian spin sensation, Xavier Doherty. At the other end. Trott bats steadily until tea. Cook is eventually stumped on 113, shortly after tea, but Trott bats steadily after tea to reach his own hundred. At stumps, the tired Australians are forced to applaud Trott and Kevin Pietersen as England close on 357 for 2.

The next day is a bleak one for Australian cricket. Trott bats steadily, but Pietersen demonstrates that Doherty is no better than Steve Smith, Jason Krejza, Nathan Hauritz, Beau Casson, Bryce McGain and Brad Hogg. There are possibly others who I can't remember that he's no better than; that's how bad it's got. Anyway, Pietersen retires on 332, out of respect for Graham Gooch's 333, but England declare at the close of play on 727 for 7.

The third day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

So England have two days to bowl the Australians out twice; can it be done? Ricky Ponting is having none of it. He settles in, playing splendidly against the excellent England quicks. Even Graeme Swann and surprise selection Monty Panesar are unable to disturb him. He bats and bats, but at the other end, wickets fall at regular intervals. Still, at close of play, with the score on 404 for 4 (Ponting 202*), a draw does seem likely.

So it is a relatively sparse crowd which turns up on the final day. By 11:30, Australia have reached 453 without any further loss. Finally, though, Ponting pads up to a straight one from Panesar. He is out lbw, but more significantly, and to the astonishment of the English media, he declares, still 274 runs behind. As Ponting walks off the field, a confused Mark Nicholas asks him why he has declared behind the follow-on total.

"Well mate, the Pommies got 727, and if you take 200 off that the follow-on target must be 427...oh hang on...oh no..." Ponting says, scratching his head. Shane Warne, who is visiting the Australian dressing room, has his head in his hands as Strauss duly enforces the follow-on.

The result is that England have 82 overs to bowl out the Australians again. Stuart Broad makes early inroads, uprooting Simon Katich's leg-stump, and trapping Ponting leg before wicket the following ball. Right spirited cricket lovers, of whatever nationality, can only feel sad for the diminuitive Australian, who cuts a sad figure as he leaves the field. But the Australian supporters don't see it quite that way and chant "You're extraordinarily stupid" as he walks off.

The England bowlers are also unforgiving too, and continue to progress against the somewhat downhearted Australian batsmen during the course of the day. By tea-time, with 42 overs remaining to be bowled, the Australians are in a bad position at 198 for 8.

But the Australian is a tough character, and Mitchell Johnson and Bollinger are fighting a battle for their captain and country. On a dying pitch, Panesar and Swann bowl splendidly, but the Australian southpaws stand their ground. Only with 12 overs to go does Swann finally get Bollinger to glove a frustrated bouncer to Paul Collingwood at slip.

That just leaves the injured Ben Hilfenhaus to bat out the last 12 overs. But oh no - what is this? He has runner - Ricky Ponting, wanting to do the right thing for his country.

What, Richie Benaud asks his viewers, could possibly go wrong?


PS. (Please see Benaud's post-match reaction to Ponting's premature declaration in the box to the right, courtesy of youtube. Interestingly, he made some very similar comments when Trevor Chappell bowled his underarm ball to Bruce McKechnie at the MCG in 1981. How history repeats itself.)