International Rescue

Beneath his tired navy blue training cap, bestowed upon him by an insistent sponsor, a series of creases is etched into Andrew Strauss' forehead. He has a sense of unease as he looks across the Centurion outfield to the nets where the England fast bowlers are warming up. For some reason, Jimmy Anderson has stopped bowling. A minute later, his very worst fears are confirmed. England have lost their premier fast bowler to injury. What with Graeme Swann's depressing decision to abandon the First Test Match to appear in the Celebrity X-Factor Christmas Special, England are in trouble before the series has even begun. Adil Rashid and Luke Wright, anybody?

Strauss goes back to the dressing room to ponder a solution. Seeking inspiration, he plugs into the team i-Pod. His gloom is lifted a touch by the enthralling opening bars of 633 Squadron. [Click on the box on the right hand side of the screen for a simulation of Strauss' experience. Can't you feel his gloom lift?]

And then, destiny decides to intervene in international cricket.

At first, the crowd hear the rumble of the de Havilland Mosquito's engines, before she rolls over the horizon towards the ground. What is going on? The South African crowd believe it is a fly-past, and stand to applaud. But over the ground, two parachutists leap out of the crate, before it turns and drones out of view. The cameras pan in on the parachutists: who could they be? Stuntmen? Sacha Baron Cohen? No. First, the Sky Sports commentators identify Andrew Flintoff. Then, with his patka blustering in the breeze, they focus in on the smiling Monty Panesar.

Defying all of Galileo's best work, Flintoff lands on the outfield a couple of minutes before Panesar. There is something of a thump as he lands on his backside, but he helps himself up and explains to a delighted Strauss that the two Ashes heroes have come to save England one last time. But there's no time to explain pleasantries, as Strauss has to toss up with an apparently peeved Graeme Smith. Smith wins the toss, and on a pitch which looks like the eighteenth green at Royal Lytham St. Annes, he invites England to bat.

It's not long before the treachery of the pitch is exposed. In the second over, Dale Steyn breaks Andrew Strauss' finger. The England physio suggests he should go off; but he waspishly responds "Be off with you! This is a Test Match. I am playing for England, and to go off now would be improper of me. "

And whilst Alastair Cook perishes to a bouncing delivery which catches his glove, Strauss' pain apparently improves his batting. Or perhaps it is just the sun which has come out, drying off the pitch. In any event, by lunch England are on 99-1 (Strauss 52*, Trott 24). After lunch, the pitch is becalmed; runs follow runs, and Strauss reaches his hundred in front of a disappointed crowd of tanned, semi-dressed beefburgers croaking indecipherable insults at the English batsmen, to the amusement of nobody but themselves. At the other end, Jonathan Trott is batting steadily.

Finally, Strauss is gone. Paul Harris is bowling awfully, and Geoff Boycott is annoying the SuperSports viewers by banging on about stealing candy off a child. But finally he gets one to turn off a dead dandelion in the pitch, and Umpire Rauf raises his finger. He is clearly not out, but later explains that for the England captain to bother using the referral system would be "improper".

Enter Kevin Pietersen. The South African crowd tries to boo him, but with their unfortunate accents even that comes out wrong, as "Baa!". Pietersen is puzzled, and wonders if they don't like his new Kevin Keegan style hair-cut.

In any event, he uses the abuse to inspire him. Scratchy at first, he improves as the overs roll by. At the other end, Trott is batting steadily. But Graeme Smith can't help express his irritation that they can't dismiss the two South African batsmen. "Why are you two playing for England?" he asks them.

"It's a better country than South Africa," responds Pietersen.

In any case, Pietersen bats steadily, and by the close of play on day one, England are in pole position at 333-2. Asked by David Gower what his strategy is for the next day's play, Trott explains that he plans "to bat steadily".

On the second day, Pietersen picks up the pace, as Trott bats steadily. When England eventually declare after tea on 656 for 3, mop-headed Pietersen has just retired, having reached 332. He explains that his decision to pull out was out of deference for Graham Gooch's epic 333 against India. In his interview at the end of the day, Trott explains to David Gower that he is satisfied that he batted steadily.

Before that, there is just time for Flintoff to steam-roller in for a few express overs. It's been a few months since he picked up a cricket ball, and his heavy footsteps make the bails fall off at the non-striker's end a couple of times, but once that is all sorted out, he gets the ball up to 93 mph to dismiss Graeme Smith. But there are no more breakthroughs for England that evening and South Africa close at 69-1.

The third morning is a turgid affair. Tim Bresnan and Monty Panesar bowl an extraordinary 22 consecutive maidens to Jacques Kallis and Hashim Amla, and Kallis seems very lucky to survive three close lbw shouts to Panesar. Meanwhile, in the TMS commentary box, the new policy of having two guest commentators on at the same time is leading to some interesting exchanges. "Why are these South African batsmen so lucky? Well, I believe it is that they have benefited from the blessing I gave them last Sunday" asserts Archbishop Desmond Tutu. But Matthew Hoggard is unimpressed: "Nay, be buggered."

Finally, though, Kallis perishes to a rising ball from the persisting Stuart Broad. And stripped of his partner, Amla misjudges a flighted delivery from Panesar in the next over, and is stumped after dancing past the ball. From that point on, every few overs the England team make a breakthrough, until Steyn's off-stump is uprooted by a Panesar quicker ball - measured at 85 mph. South Africa are out for a rather miserable 256: so exactly 400 runs behind. Back in the dressing room, Strauss is not sure what to do; but he turns to see that Andrew Flintoff has already changed his shirt, has gone out to the middle and is marking out his run-up. His inspiring presence is again too much for Graeme Smith: he shoulders arms to an inswinger, and a moment later a splinter from his middle stump has become wedged in Matthew Prior's pads. But that's all folks; a few moment later Umpire Rauf raises his light meter to the sky, nods, and walks off.

The fourth day is lost to rain.

The morning of the fifth day is lost to rain as well.

But by the afternoon, Strauss has been able to persuade Umpires Rauf and Bowden to take the field. Naturally, Graeme Smith moans - but as Umpire Bowden says at the time, when doesn't he? England are only able to use their slower bowlers. Trott bowls steadily. Panesar bowls beautifully; but without luck. Is the game a draw? Not quite: Kevin Pietersen is at hand, and when he dismisses two of his former countrymen in one over, there is more disquiet on the South African dressing room. On a drying pitch, Panesar finds the right pace and becomes a real handful. Whilst Kallis is still batting steadily, JP Duminy and AB de Villiers lost out to become further victims of the Sussex twirler's wizardry.

Wicket follows wicket: but over follows over. Finally, there is one over left. There is one wicket left. Kallis is batting. Panesar is bowling. Who will it be? The most boring batsman since Boycott retired, or the cheery spin trickster? Let me give you a clue: Father Christmas has a beard, and delivers presents to children across the world at this time of year. But this time, someone else with a beard delivers the England fans a Christmas present they will never forget.