Renaissance

"It was a little unhelpful of Graeme to retire mid-way through an Ashes series," explains Alastair Cook, shortly after winning the toss. But after pausing for thought he adds "but then again he's allowed some latitude because he took 255 test wickets for England, and made off-spin splendid again. I expect he'll change his mind by the fifth test anyway. Either way we wish him well in next year's Strictly Come Dancing: beyond that he will have a guaranteed success in his career as team captain on A Question of Sport, Sky TV's county cricket coverage or even I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here - at his election."

Cook sensibly decides that England will bat first; but it is clear that he and Michael Carberry are under pressure from Mitchell Johnson and Ryan Harris. After one ball too many has passed by Cook's outside edge, Johnson finally snaps and calls Cook a pommie bast@rd who can't bat. After just a moment, Cook replies sadly that he couldn't disagree, based on the first three test matches of the tour.

Cook struggles on, but is eventually snared by Johnson for a canine 48. But the Australian focus on the English captain seems to take some pressure off Carberry at the other end, who bats sensibly, as he finds his feet. When he cuts Harris past point just after the drinks break, it becomes clear that the Australians have been trying to shoot the wrong fox. Carberry is away; with his shaven hair he looks as cool as he is splendid. Joe Root falls just before lunch, and Kevin Pietersen falls after lunch but Carberry carries on with Ian Bell. The Boxing Day crowd quieten as the Australian bowlers wilt, and England progress. 302-3 at close of play, with Carberry on 164 not out.

Carberry falls early on the second day, and Ben Stokes is out for 15 after batting pleasantly. But Matthew Prior bats selflessly for partner Bell, and although he only makes 12, he is able to add 87 with the increasingly dominant Warwickshireman. It is a struggle after that, but England eventually eek out a further 78 runs - and are eventually dismissed for 499 mid-way through the second afternoon.

Chris Rogers and David Warner bat well against James Anderson and Stuart Broad, and see off the new ball. But Tim Bresnan and Monty Panesar keep the scoring rate low, and eventually Panesar is able to have a frustrated Warner stumped, trying something remarkable to a ball with a bit of delicate flight.  In the following owner, Shane Watson is out lbw to a pleasing in-swinger from Bresnan. Bresnan and Anderson then bowl in harmony, using reverse swing expertly. Eventually, Anderson is able to send Michael Clarke back to the Australian dressing room, with an lbw on review from the third umpire. Suddenly, batting seems more difficult, and England are able to make steady inroads. By close of play, Australia are on 188-7, crucially with Brad Haddin out - to a straight ball from Panesar.

It doesn't take long for England to wrap up the innings on the third day. It might be poetic justice that Johnson is out gloving a fierce bouncer from Broad; but against that, it might not be. In either case, England enforce the follow on.

On a degrading pitch, it is the combination of Panesar of Bresnan which does the job for England. It takes 89 overs, but only the most inhumane of Australians would fail to understand the smile on Anderson's face as an inswinger takes out Nathan Lyon's off-stump, to tie up the victory for England.

Australia, and all of it, suffer

Day one has gone England's way, with Chris Tremlett and Stuart Broad rolling out Australia for a lowly 162. In reply, Michael Carberry and Alastair Cook bat well, seeing off Mitchell Johnson and Ryan Harris. Worryingly for Australia, Harris and Shane Watson limp off at close of play, both with hamstring tears. 

It is now time for Andy Flower to read Joe Root's bedtime story.

"Can you tell me the one about Stuart Broad's daddy winning the Ashes in 1986/7?"

"No, I have to tell you another story - this one is about a nasty Australian - are you ready for it?" replies Flower.

Root looks a little worried, and five minutes later, he is shaking a little.

"So Mitchell Johnson's great-great-grandfather was convicted of stealing the frankincense off Jesus? Thank goodness he was sent to Australia, so everyone in England could be safe. I must score a triple century against him tomorrow, I must, I must."

"Yes - and Michael Clarke's great-grandfather was King Herod. Mmmm. That's right, you didn't know that did you? Now, you'd better get some sleep. You've got a lot of batting to do tomorrow." 

Day two is a good one for England, and for Root in particular. With his assiduous concentration, he bats well against a decaying Australian bowling attack. When Johnson finally limps off, Root seems to relax a bit and eases into his game. He is finally dismissed on 239, but with Ben Stokes weighing in with a brutal 112, England look very well placed on 512-5. 

Rumour circulates Perth that England will declare overnight, but with temperatures hitting 55 degrees centigrade, Cook is having none of it. By lunchtime, with the score on 612, Clarke is seen pleading with Cook, but on England go. Finally, when Clarke himself is seen limping after bowling 15 overs on the trot, England declare on 713-8 (Root 239, Broad 168*, Stokes 112, Johnson 2-278). 

Australia do not last long, and with twenty minutes to go before the end of Day 3, they are bowled out for 68 (Tremlett 8-22). Afterwards, Clarke resigns his captaincy of the Australian team, with a sad lick of tears a hapless press conference. 

The Australian parliament threatens to abolish Joe Root and Chris Tremlett, but following intervention from Prince Charles, they relent. 

So who's batting at three?

"Actually, we're not going to tell you yet," responds Alastair Cook to Bill Lawry's question on Channel 9 "although I can confirm that Monty Panesar and Ben Stokes come in for Chris Tremlett and Jonathan Trott."

Before leaving the field to get ready for play, the two captains announce to the cameras a magnificent gesture; the umpires will maintain an onfield swearbox, with AUS$1 going to local charity Save the Orphaned Kangaroos for each on-air profanity or blasphemy. By the time the umpires pull stumps for the final time, AUS$76 has been raised.  

England make a good start.  Picking up where they should have left off at Brisbane, their clever bowlers take a series of wickets, first with Chris Rogers surprised by a lifting delivery from Graeme Swann - who opens the bowling - and then the recalled Ed Cowan pads up to an in-swinger from James Anderson. When Michael Clarke gloves a Stuart Broad bouncer, things are looking splendid for England, as an interested spectator looks on.

Prince William is standing amongst the Barmy Army, wearing a delightful T-shirt which reads: "England may have batted so badly as to have made him look like Wasim Akram in the first test, but Mitchell Johnson remains naturally erratic". The T-shirt really suits the heir to the throne, who enjoys his day under the shadow of the Adelaide cathedral.

The morning does not improve for the hapless Australian batsmen, as Shane Watson tweaks a hamstring, sprinting to beat a strong from the boundary from Stokes. At first, his running is hampered slightly, but then the hamper turns to a limp, and foolishly eschewing Cook's generous offer of a runner, Watson is finally reduced to a standstill. He and Steve Smith have to resort to boundaries and extras for five overs, before Watson finally plays across a straight one from Panesar, falling lbw. He is only able to return to the field on the second day with heavy strapping.

There is a brief fightback from Brad Haddin, who is the last man out in the over before tea, with the score on 198. The England openers see out the final session on a drying Adelaide pitch, following erratic bowling from Johnson and Smith, and the score is 123-0.

The second day is a tough one for the Australians. Regrettably, the author cannot presently be bothered to write about it in any detail, but briefly, it turns out that Stuart Broad is England's number three, and although he fails, England close the day on 526-4 (Cook 188, Stokes 123*, Johnson 1-199). In addition, the Australians unfortunately lose their strike bowler Ryan Harris to a torn calf muscle. England declare overnight.

Absent the injured Watson, makeshift opener Cowan pads up to an in-swinger from Anderson, falling lbw, and their are concerns amongst the Australian press that he has a problem with Anderson - there are calls for him to be replaced by Usman Khawaja.  But back out in the middle, the surface is wearing, and it's not long before the England spinners are tormenting their Australian prey. After Clarke and Smith fall to Swann in quick succession, Watson bravely comes out to bat: but he edges Panesar's first ball, shouting "oh no" as the ball flies to Cook at slip.  There is a brief fightback from Brad Haddin, but he is the last man out in the over before tea.

The Gabba

"Can I borrow that radio please, Umpire Dar? Assuming you've finished with the third umpire?"

It's been a long day for Alastair Cook. A long match, even. 101 in the first innings, 78 not out in the second, setting up the declaration. It looked like England's match to win. Then, Finn's wickets had made the win look inevitable. 7 wickets down with fifty overs to go.

But then, the long delay in the afternoon, as Steve Smith had to be carried off the field; imagine not wearing a box in international cricket? Word from the dressing room was that he had paid a heavy price for supporting the Go Commando in November appeal, to raise money for testicular cancer.

Then the rain delays, then - this. Clouds rolling in, blackening the sickly sweet green of the Gabba surface. Nine wickets down, ten overs to go - but the sun has sunk behind the enormous Gabba stands, and Umpire Billy Bowden is holding his light meter to the sky. The Australians in the crowd are dancing - if that is the term - at their lucky escape.

Cook flicks a switch on the back of the umpire's radio, and speaks.

"Delta Foxtrot, this is Alpha Charlie. Do you read me?"

But there is silence from the radio; perhaps just a little crackling. Cook frowns.

"Delta Foxtrot, I repeat, this is Alpha Charlie. Do you read me?"

More crackling. Then:

"Alpha Charlie, this is Delta Foxtrot. Reading you loud and clear...what are your instructions?"

Cook smiles.

"Delta Foxtrot. Please deliver the package to Auntie May. I repeat. Please deliver the package to Auntie May."

"Roger that, Alpha Charlie; see you in a minute."

A few seconds pass.  The ground is silent; then without warning, an air-raid siren sings its pitiful song in the Western section of the stand. Sensing something is amiss, row after row of Australian supporters evacuate the afflicted section.  And they are right to fear, for over the horizon comes an unmissable sight, preceded by unmistakable noise.

With its four engines drumming every one of its seventy years of distinguished history, the silhouette of the monstrous vehicle grows in sight as it roars over Brisbane, marching closer to the ground.  Just a moment before it reaches the ground, the giant Lancaster lets out two metallic droppings from its undercarriage.

As the Lancaster dips its wings and flies off, narrowly avoiding a mid-air collision with the Flying Doctors, the bombs strike the evacuated section of the stand. Two enormous explosions rip through the stand, bringing the structure crashing to the ground..

But after such destruction, a beautiful sight: for through the obliterated hole, where once stood the stand, the rose of the unobstructed sun can shines through on to the Gabba cricket pitch. The middle is bathed in sunlight once more.

"The light seems to have improved,  wouldn't you agree Mr Bowden?" asks Cook.

"Play" replies the Kiwi.

The Oval

In a great sacrifice for the institution of the Ashes, Umpires Nigel Llong and Richard Illingworth declare that they are French, such that they are assumed to be neutral umpires who may officiate in the fifth test at The Oval.

Illingworth is pressed into action quickly, as Chris Rogers pads up to a straight ball from the towering Chris Tremlett.  Tremlett roars "How's that?"; Llong looks a little quizzical, but when a quick-witted Alastair Cook politely asks "Comment va ca?" in an accent reminiscent of the great Gordon Kaye, the problem is sold and Llong is able to send the Australian carrot-top upon his way.  After some further discussion, the Umpires agree that English will be the official language of the fifth test match.

The remainder of the day is all too predictable: Tremlett is outstandingly good, terrifying the Australian batsmen, whilst Chris Woakes bowls the ball on a length a foot outside the outside off-stump, until the shine has come off the new ball. Simon Kerrigan does not get a great deal of spin, but is able to deceive the second rate Australian batsmen with an interesting use of flight, for variation of flight is something they do not have in Australia any more.  Australia are 232 all out, ten minutes before tea.  During the remainder of the day, England accumulate 232 themselves, as Cook enjoys Nathan Lyon's bowling, and Jonathan Trott bats steadily.

The second day of the match comes under some threat as Umpires Llong and Illingworth briefly threaten to strike, because the ECB will not let them wear berets, but when Alec Stewart orders the Surrey catering staff to feed them French food until they stop behaving like Frenchmen, they quickly back down. England are able to continue their innings, and Kevin Pietersen in particular is able to play an innings of great dashing against the low grade Australian bowlers. Eventually, England declare on 601 for 2, with half an hour to go before close. There is just time for Rogers, David Warner and Usman Khawaja to be dismissed by Kerrigan, to a series of shots which should not be shown before the watershed.

The third day of the match is as a brief as it is predictable: Kerrigan and Tremlett run through the Australians, England win 4-0, everyone goes home happy and nobody notices that the Australia team have insulted the little urn itself.

I don't believe in ghosts

A flash of lightning; a boom of thunder.

Deep in the midst of Lumley Castle, Michael Clarke is awakened by a presence which has made itself known his room.  Reluctant to come from within his bedsheets, he calls out. 

"Who is that? That's not you again Smithy, is it? You stupid b&st&rd, this isn't funny any more."

"I am - or rather I was - a rather better batsman than your present number four. Or was it five? Or is he opening tomorrow? Anyway, I am not he. I am the ghost of Sir Don Bradman. And I tell you now: you must recall Ricky Ponting, Michael Hussey and Simon Katich, because at the moment your middle order is sh!t."

-----

But Clarke, assuming this is another prank by Graeme Swann, ignores the spectre and selects the same side for the fourth test. England recall Graeme Onions and, to the surprise of many, Monty Panesar. It is only later "leaked" that Panesar is recalled at the request of Sussex police, to keep him off the streets. 

England win the toss this time, and Cook decides to bat - despite dark skies. England make an indifferent start and are 22-2 after six overs.  But accomplished innings from Joe Root and Kevin Pietersen see England through to 338-2 by the close. 

Clarke has another troubled night's sleep, and gets a thorough dressing down from the ghost of Sir Don, furious that his advice has been ignored. 

-----

England bat on, during what is a brutal second day for the Australians, before eventually declaring just after tea, which the score on 555-5 (Pietersen 255*, Root 128).  Australia make a respectable start, but when Chris Rogers plays an Onions delivery outside off onto his stumps, it is the cue for a catastrophic loss of wickets on the part of the hapless Australians.  The score is just 55-5 (Onions 3-15) at the close.

But what is more memorable for poor Clarke is the further interruption to his sleeping patterns.  Oh, how he suffers that night.  When Sir Don has finished a twenty minute lecture on how to play Panesar on a turning pitch,  Clarke assumes he can go back to sleep.  But no, for then comes in the ghosts of Douglas Jardine and Harold Larwood, mocking the hapless Australian's efforts at playing Onions and Panesar.

Clarke shakes his head ruefully, and curses the childish antics of Swann and Stuart Broad. But he consoles himself, however, assuming they will be exhausted the next morning.

-----

But as he "rocks up" (as he puts it) at the Riverside Arena, he is puzzled to note the England pacemen warming up vigorously, without lines under theirs eyes or even a hint of jadedness. Rather, it is his team that is jaded. It is no surprise when England dismiss the Australians for just 99, and still less of a surprise when Cook orders the Australians to follow on. 

Australia bat reasonably in the second innings, and Clarke scores a resolute hundred. But nobody can stay with him.  Australian after Australian gets in - but gets out.  

Finally, with nine wickets down and with ten minutes to go before the close of play, he finds himself batting against Panesar.  It has been an indifferent performance from the Sussex spinner, but he is still getting the occasional ball to turn and bounce.

However, the third ball of Panesar's over does not spin and bounce. Rather, it darts on, striking the outside half of Clarke's pad as he jerks forward in the "half-press", so popularised by England batsmen coached by Duncan Fletcher. As one, the England players appeal to "Umpire" Marais Erasmus. Erasmus scratches his head, flips a coin, sees the head of Her Majesty, nods, and sticks up his finger. Clarke gestures that the ball hit his inside edge, and refers the matter to DRS. 

And so it is, that the Hotspot footage appears on television screens up and down the land.  The footage concentrates on the inside of Clarke's bat - and no hot spot is apparent.  

But just in the background, Hotspot catches the faint, spectral, figure of a small man, wearing cricket whites and with a baggy cap over his sunbeaten head. The figure is barely visible, but it is clear that he is standing over Clarke's shoulder, shaking his head in lament at the poverty of technique shown by the Australian captain.

Desperate times call for desperate measures

"We've got to find a way of getting Ponting back."

Things are not looking good in the Manchester Youth Hostel, on Wednesday night. The Australian team management are meeting in the television room.  Michael Clarke and Darren Lehman are both clear on the need for changes to the Australian line-up, but they both know that they do not have the power of selection.  Calls are put in to John Inverarity, but he is not budging.

Clarke and Lehman get increasingly angry, but in the background, vice-captain Brad Haddin is distracted; he is watching Escape to Victory.  

"I've got an idea," he says, with his face lit up.

The next morning, Chris Rogers, Ed Cowan, Phil Hughes and Ashton Agar have all suffered broken arms, without apparent explanation, and in their place, Michael Hussey, Ricky Ponting, Simon Katich and Fawad Ahmed are all recalled to the Australian side.  Unfortunately, in the confusion someone forgot to check that flights were available, so the Australians are forced into the first day with just seven players.

Graciously, Alastair Cook lets the Australians bat first after winning the toss, in the hope that the Australians can get a full crew together.  Unfortunately, they have lost all of their six available wickets by 2:15, with the score on just 117 (Anderson 6-16, Clarke 42*). The seven men of Australia field bravely for the remainder of the day, but England are clearly well placed at 273-0.

Fawad Ahmed makes it through customs at Manchester Airport to take the field on the second day. He is brought on to bowl the first over.  His first over goes for 13, his second goes for 16, and that is his bowling done for the day. Just after lunch, England declare on 501-2 (Cook 251*, Taylor 154*), as Agar look on disconsolately from the Australian balcony, arm in sling.

However, Australia bat commendably in their second innings, and by close of play, Australia are on 200-2 (Ponting 108*, Hussey 56*). The pitch has flattened out somewhat, and under the summer sun of August James Anderson and Stuart Broad are unable to get the ball to swing.

But the dye is cast, and when Monty Panesar traps Ponting leg before wicket in the first over on Saturday morning, a cascade of wickets inevitably tumbles. Katich follows the ball after Ponting, and within 16 overs, Australia have been bowled out for 241 (Panesar 4-102, Swann 4-102).