The end

In a show of strength, Andy Flower announces that England have an unchanged team, two days ahead of the start of the Second Test Match at Lords.  Similarly, Australia pick the same eleven, despite some infantile stories in The Sun regarding Ashton Agar's time at Henley-on-Thames.  

Australia win the toss, and looking down at a dry surface, they elect to bat first. James Anderson looks tired, and after four fruitless overs he is replaced by Steven Finn. Finn bowls well, and a tired looking Chris Rogers edges to Alastair Cook, who is looking tired at first slip.  But Ed Cowan bats solidly, and with the brutal strokeplay of Shane Watson, sees Australia safely to lunch with the score on 90-1. Graeme Swann - looking somewhat weary - is able to dismiss Watson just after lunch, but in increasing temperatures, Watson and his captain Michael Clarke start to get the upper hand in front of an increasingly concerned English crowd.  Finally, Cook throws the ball to Ian Bell, having mistaken him for Anderson, following a mix-up with the England captain's contact lenses.  

What follows causes Clarke recurring nightmares, which strike him at irregular intervals for the following three years, before he finally discovers the link between eating asparagus and the nightmare.  The first ball of Bell's over is pitched up, but just as Clarke readies himself to clobber it over extra cover, it grips the pitch, hesitating a little.  Surely, the ball strikes Clarke's bat, but far from flying over extra cover, it flies up to the waiting hands of Joe Root at mid-off.

This proves the catalyst for a batting catastrophe.  Furious after seeing an article in the Sydney Morning Herald suggesting he is tall but rubbish, Finn bowls faster and faster, peaking at 93.2 mph as Australian after Australian is dismissed in a ruthless spell of 6-6-7-7.  Just before tea, Australia are bowled out for 156. 

In an unremarkable innings, England take a day and a half over notching 421. Bell continues his fine form with a cultured 134. Clarke blows both of Australia's DRS reviews on speculative leg before wicket appeals off Peter Siddle's bowling; only later does he admit that he is doing it to keep Siddle's sense of injustice fully primed, so that he may bowl ever more angrily. 

In her second innings, Australia bats well in the first instance; Watson is out on the first ball of the innings, but Rogers and Cowan bat well on a wearing pitch. 

But when - in a bid to puzzle the Australians - Cook asks Root and Kevin Pietersen to bowl in tandem, England strike in subsequent overs.  The Australians then fold, over the course of another six over spell from Finn; this is the end for them.  There is no future now.

Trent Bridge

"I like the globe, that flashes red like our Krypton sun, but not that irritating noise." says Steve Smith in the Nottingham Youth Hostel, as his alarm clock rattles away.

"Oh shut up," responds Michael Clarke, "I'm sick and tired of your General Zod impersonations. It wasn't funny the first time and it isn't funny now.  Anyway, Zod eventually lost his battle with Superman, and we want Australia to be a team of winners."

The Australian captain opens the curtains.

"Oh sh!t, the sun's shining.  Everyone out of bed - time for the team song".

"Isn't Teammates wearing a bit thin now, after four years?"

"Nonsense.  Any more of that talk and you'll be sent back to Australia with Darren Lehmann. He didn't last long because he didn't sing the song properly. Come on everybody."

"Teammates. 
Everybody needs good teammates. 
With a little understanding
You can find the perfect friend.
Teammates
Need a little understanding..."

*****

It's a 11.05, and after interim coach Julia Gillard has moaned about the naming of the Larwood and Voce stand, England captain Alastair Cook has put a worried looking Carl Rogers and Shane Watson into bat.  Rogers is facing up to James Anderson.

Anderson commences his run, breaks into a trot before arriving at the crease, a perfect mixture of balance and aggression.

He uncoils, releasing the ball to Rogers; the ball is on a length, a fraction outside off.

Rogers shapes to play, but is uncertain.  There is no foot movement, just a movement of the hands towards the ball.

The ball catches the outside edge of Rogers' bat, and flies to Graeme Swann at second slip, at waist height.

Rogers thinks about waiting for the umpire's decision, before realising it is blindingly obvious that he is out.  Slightly embarrassed by his behaviour, he trudges off towards the pavilion.

*****

It's ten minutes before tea on the second day now, and with Kevin Pietersen on 253* and England on 552 for 3, in response to Australia's 128, it seems only a matter of time before England declare. Fawad Ahmed is bowling, trying to improve on his disappointing figures of 21-0-190-1.

"One wicket brings two" says Brad Haddin.

Ahmed bowls. It is a waist high full toss.

"I don't mind if I do" says Kevin Pietersen, and swipes the ball in a magnificent parabola into the heights of the Larwood and Voce stand, for yet another six.

*****

"Australia are in some disarray," remarks Jonathan Agnew, with Australia on 92 for 5 in their second innings "they'll need Steve Smith to make a fool of himself slogging the England pacemen for a quick 32 if they are going to make it into the third day"

"Kneel before Zod."

*****

As ECB Director of Operations Alan Fordham quickly issues a press release, apologising to Saturday ticketholders for being foolish enough to start the match on a Wednesday, when Australia would obviously lose within three days, Alastair Cook happily celebrates his team's innings and 280 run victory in front of a crowd boasting David Cameron, David Beckham and Andy Murray. 

James Pattinson approaches the England captain, reading about his brother Darren in the Playfair Cricket Annual. 

"My brother was apparently English.  Does that mean I can play for England in the next match?"

"No."

Untitled

It is 6 degrees celcius, at Headingley, but it is not raining and play starts on time.  There is a rousing cheer from the crowd as home town favourite Tim Bresnan is preferred to Middlesex's Steven Finn.

England win the toss and decide to bat, but as a bad start is made as England slip to 48-5.  However, Matt Prior and his wicketkeeping sidekick Jonny Bairstow respond stirringly, hitting 100 from as many minutes.  But when the carrot-topped White Roseman is out, trying to hit Daniel Vettori into the River Aire, England subside; they are 254 all out just before tea.

But James Anderson is at his terrible best when the clouds roll in, and of course in Yorkshire, the clouds never roll away. New Zealand are dismissed for 46.  Alistair Cook orders the follow-on, hoping for a first day victory, but Hamish Rutherford and Peter Fulton are able to keep out Anderson and Stuart Broad until close of play.

The second and third days are, unfortunately, lost to rain.

The fourth day is played out under leaden skies. Rutherford and Fulton play well, and are able to frustrate the England bowlers. Indeed, they are able to frustrate the Headingley crowd, and the stewards in the newly named James Herriot stand (formerly the West Stand, but renamed in order to promote more genteel behaviour) are forced to step in, when Cook is called a Southern ponce.

However, Joe Root is eventually able to dismiss Fulton by pitching the ball into one of Neil Wagner's foot holes, the ball leaping into his gloves and into the waiting hands of  Ian Bell at silly point. When Kane Williamson is bowled through the gate by the next ball, it appears England are on to something, and so it is that Root and Graeme Swann bowl most of the afternoon.  Progress is still slow, however, and by the mid-afternoon, New Zealand have reached the England score. By close of play, no further wicket has been obtained, and New Zealand are at 203 runs ahead.

The next (and final) morning sees a surprise: New Zealand declare overnight. Brendon McCullum explains that Leeds is perennially overcast, and the Meteorological Office has forecast rain at 11:45, so they'd might as well have a go.  Unfortunately for him and his fellow New Zealanders, David Steele turns up at the ground at 10:55, and the sun comes out again - much as it did when he arrived at Lords.  After a spirited innings from Nick Compton, England knock the runs off and win the match by nine wickets at 12.58.  Following the conclusion of the match, Steele leaves the ground and it starts to rain.  It stops on 26 June.

He is cricket

Speaking through an interpreter, Brendon McCullum explains that New Zealand will bowl first on a Lords pitch.  He says that the weather has made him feel like he is at home.

Unfortunately for McCullum and his ill fated team-mates, at 11:15, David Steele arrives at the ground, and the sun comes out as a result. Batting becomes an easy business for the England openers, and whilst Travis Boult and Neil Wagner show enthusiasm, they also show inadequacy.  There are only two breakthroughs for New Zealand during the first morning, and on both occasions it is when Steele is on the gentleman's. Recognising the problem, Fanny in the long room refuses to serve him any more Earl Grey until Cook has reached 150. Which he does, shortly after tea. The score 376 for 4 at close of play.  There is special delight for Jonny Bairstow, who scores his maiden test century.

The second day is, however, a better one for New Zealand, under some threatening clouds. England collapse to 415 for 8, before Geoff Miller explains to the agog England dressing room that he will recall Ravi Bopara unless England score 450.

Stuart Broad responds in shock and awe: "Please...no...not..." and he turns to Graeme Swann, "Graeme, we must bat resolutely in order to avoid this awful fate." Eventually, England declare on 555 for 8, Miller clapping warmly from the England balcony, as Swann and Broad walk back up the pavilion steps, bathing in the milk of applause from men wearing silly jackets and silly ties.

But at they step into the Long Room, the hanging baskets that, um, hang from the pavilion sway a little, as a gust of wind passes. The skies darken; the gust becomes a wind; the wind becomes a tornado.  It starts to rain.  It carries on raining; for two days it rains.

The true cause of the deluge is, ultimately, unexplained. Russell Grant explains that God is displeased by the playing of Test Match Cricket in England in the month of May, whereas Jonathan Cainer suggests it is more likely to be that He is making a point about allowing Australians to play their version of football on the square at The Oval. For her part Mystic Meg says that destiny is a young man from Essex holding up a little urn in late August.

There is only one point all of the astrologists are clear on, after England have won by an innings and 32 runs late on the final day: God enjoys cricket.

And finally, Auckland, and then we can all go home and go to bed

Briefly, as it's now 23:20 and I want to go to bed:

• England are declare their first innings closed on 200-5 (Cook 125*), after just 40 overs; Captain Cook later explains this is a ploy to win a cricket match despite an flat pitch, a home team hell bent on drawing the series and weather which would not be out of place in North Wales. 
• New Zealand are dismissed for 162 (McCullum 88*, Panesar 8-22).
• England declare their second innings closed for 250-5 (Bairstow 132) off 50 overs.
• The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
• New Zealand are dismissed for 162 in their second innings. 

It is later discovered by The Sun that Kevin Pietersen has faked his knee injury, because he is anxious to get his tomatoes planted before March is out - little does he know it might as well be mid-December. Unfortunately, The Sun are only able to get their scoop by hacking into the England batsman's 'phone, and later have to print a front page apology. 

Wellington

"Cheer up, at least you're not Australian," Mike Atherton consoles Brendon McCullum, who is crying after losing the toss at Wellington.  But both men know the truth: that New Zealand might as well be as Australia, for that is how badly they will fare against the bowling of Steven Finn and James Anderson, upon a pitch which could easily have come from Postman Pat's home village, Greendale. That is particularly so, because as the great postman might well say, it is a windy day.

The first morning sees a clatter of wickets, as Finn finally finds his pace. He later explains that he was inspired by an old copy of Richard Hadlee's classic Rhythm and Swing, which he found in Wellington Town Library.  New Zealand are 48-7 at lunch,  and even the emergence of the afternoon sun is not enough to rouse them - twenty minutes after the teams finish their lamb shanks for lunch, the Kiwis are dismissed for 68. Nick Compton and Alastair Cook bat steadily, and England close the first day on 168-0.

Unfortunately, Compton is unable to resume his innings, because the lamb curry which he ate for his dinner was undercooked, and has given him food poisoning.  However, he sends his team a video message of support from his toilet, and Jonathan Trott is able to take the Somerset batsman's place at the crease.  Cook and Trott bat steadily all day, and both hit assured double centuries hundreds before England declare at the close on 503-0. The day is a particular pleasant viewing for Mrs Martha Richards, of Bay of Plenty, who had arrived at the ground expecting a recitation from Letters from America.  Explaining how she confused Alastair Cook with Alistair Cooke to Radio Kiwi, Mrs Richards explains that she was persuaded by the day's play that cricket could be more beautiful than literature.

The third day is all but brief.  The England pacemen again finds his form, rapidly inducing Hamish Rutherford to edge to slip, completing an ignominious pair for New Zealand's new batting hero.  Within 45 minutes, Stuart Broad in particular has reduced New Zealand to 36-6. Brendon McCullum strikes some hefty blows against Anderson, but he is stumped, trying to hit Monty Panesar into the Hutt River.

Shortly before lunch, England eventually win a frankly uninspiring game of cricket by an innings and 321 runs.

Somewhere in New Zealand, probably with mountains in the background

"Well, I think our younger batsmen will receive a bit over the next couple of hours," grimaces Brendon McCullum, looking down at the green pitch as he is asked to respond to the glum news that England have lost the toss.

He is right, of course: New Zealand are 90-7, as the players tuck in to a rack of lamb for lunch, and Steven Finn tucks into his former bleater with special gusto, having taken the first five wickets of what is a lucrative tour for him.  His bowling speed may have reached 100 mph at one point, although it is impossible to know for sure, because for some reason the Kiwi television producers have set the speedgun to record in kilometres per hour.  Back in England, Nigel Farage asks indignantly whether New Zealand is now French, or something.

The afternoon session sees a spirited, but all too brief, fightback from McCullum and Doug Bracewell. However, when the Kiwis finally collapse to 146 all out, even Sky television's Ian Smith is glum.

Things do not get much better when England bat.  Bracewell is the only bowler able to extract any zip off a gentle cricket pitch.  Whilst Nick Compton edges Bracewell to Ross Taylor at first slip for a steady 36, there is simply no question of Jonathan Trott or Alastair Cook being dismissed on the first day. England are on 146-1 at the close of play.

In order to breathe some life into the second day, and perhaps to improve the paltry attendance by the paying spectators on the first day, New Zealand prime minister John Key announces that the New Zealand parliament will sit in the stands at the University Oval, for one day only.  They debate the motion that "Test cricket should be split into two tiers, in order that it may remain meaningful for supporters of New Zealand and Bangladesh, and also in order that the Irish should be given a chance". They pass the motion 69-0.

Whilst the enthusiasm of Mr Key and his friends is not enough by itself to arouse interest from the Dunedin crowd, as the day passes, the stands fill; to the point of capacity, and then to the point that the (refreshing and sensible) ground stewards let willing spectators sit just beyond the boundary ropes; for something magnificent happens.

Bracewell has a clear limp, as he takes to the field, but takes the second new ball nevertheless. It is clear though that the cut to hit foot has worsened with the previous day's bowling, but he carries on into the Dunedin wind. He picks up the occasional wicket, and that is only notionally why he is out there. For as first his show, and then as every second footprint in his run up become blood-sodden, even the beige brigade start to understand that he is bowling because he has realised he can be magnificent. Fifteen overs and three wickets later, he changes his socks and (eschewing offers for a massage or something in the dressing room) goes to field at fine leg for the rest of the day.

Still, for all Bracewell's heroics, New Zealand are not very good at cricket.  Ian Bell quietly scores a century, explaining later that he was not affected by Kane Williamson's sledging at cover, because he could not understand what he was saying. So pronounced (if that is not an unfortunate word to use) was Williamson's accent, that the educated Warwickshire batsman believed the Kiwi was speaking Cornish. With ten minutes to go before close of play, England decide that enough is enough, and declare on 500-5.

It is all over quite quickly the next morning, and but for a few lusty blows from Bracewell, New Zealand would not have made it to 100.  It is difficult to be sure whether Steven Finn's match figures of 12-121 are a little generous to him, because the Black Caps batting is improved second time around, it is coming from an under-developed base.