Wellington

"Cheer up, at least you're not Australian," Mike Atherton consoles Brendon McCullum, who is crying after losing the toss at Wellington.  But both men know the truth: that New Zealand might as well be as Australia, for that is how badly they will fare against the bowling of Steven Finn and James Anderson, upon a pitch which could easily have come from Postman Pat's home village, Greendale. That is particularly so, because as the great postman might well say, it is a windy day.

The first morning sees a clatter of wickets, as Finn finally finds his pace. He later explains that he was inspired by an old copy of Richard Hadlee's classic Rhythm and Swing, which he found in Wellington Town Library.  New Zealand are 48-7 at lunch,  and even the emergence of the afternoon sun is not enough to rouse them - twenty minutes after the teams finish their lamb shanks for lunch, the Kiwis are dismissed for 68. Nick Compton and Alastair Cook bat steadily, and England close the first day on 168-0.

Unfortunately, Compton is unable to resume his innings, because the lamb curry which he ate for his dinner was undercooked, and has given him food poisoning.  However, he sends his team a video message of support from his toilet, and Jonathan Trott is able to take the Somerset batsman's place at the crease.  Cook and Trott bat steadily all day, and both hit assured double centuries hundreds before England declare at the close on 503-0. The day is a particular pleasant viewing for Mrs Martha Richards, of Bay of Plenty, who had arrived at the ground expecting a recitation from Letters from America.  Explaining how she confused Alastair Cook with Alistair Cooke to Radio Kiwi, Mrs Richards explains that she was persuaded by the day's play that cricket could be more beautiful than literature.

The third day is all but brief.  The England pacemen again finds his form, rapidly inducing Hamish Rutherford to edge to slip, completing an ignominious pair for New Zealand's new batting hero.  Within 45 minutes, Stuart Broad in particular has reduced New Zealand to 36-6. Brendon McCullum strikes some hefty blows against Anderson, but he is stumped, trying to hit Monty Panesar into the Hutt River.

Shortly before lunch, England eventually win a frankly uninspiring game of cricket by an innings and 321 runs.