"Cheer up, at least you're not Australian," Mike Atherton consoles Brendon McCullum, who is crying after losing the toss at Wellington. But both men know the truth: that New Zealand might as well be as Australia, for that is how badly they will fare against the bowling of Steven Finn and James Anderson, upon a pitch which could easily have come from Postman Pat's home village, Greendale. That is particularly so, because as the great postman might well say, it is a windy day.
The first morning sees a clatter of wickets, as Finn finally finds his pace. He later explains that he was inspired by an old copy of Richard Hadlee's classic Rhythm and Swing, which he found in Wellington Town Library. New Zealand are 48-7 at lunch, and even the emergence of the afternoon sun is not enough to rouse them - twenty minutes after the teams finish their lamb shanks for lunch, the Kiwis are dismissed for 68. Nick Compton and Alastair Cook bat steadily, and England close the first day on 168-0.
Unfortunately, Compton is unable to resume his innings, because the lamb curry which he ate for his dinner was undercooked, and has given him food poisoning. However, he sends his team a video message of support from his toilet, and Jonathan Trott is able to take the Somerset batsman's place at the crease. Cook and Trott bat steadily all day, and both hit assured double centuries hundreds before England declare at the close on 503-0. The day is a particular pleasant viewing for Mrs Martha Richards, of Bay of Plenty, who had arrived at the ground expecting a recitation from Letters from America. Explaining how she confused Alastair Cook with Alistair Cooke to Radio Kiwi, Mrs Richards explains that she was persuaded by the day's play that cricket could be more beautiful than literature.
The third day is all but brief. The England pacemen again finds his form, rapidly inducing Hamish Rutherford to edge to slip, completing an ignominious pair for New Zealand's new batting hero. Within 45 minutes, Stuart Broad in particular has reduced New Zealand to 36-6. Brendon McCullum strikes some hefty blows against Anderson, but he is stumped, trying to hit Monty Panesar into the Hutt River.
Shortly before lunch, England eventually win a frankly uninspiring game of cricket by an innings and 321 runs.
Monday, 11 March 2013
Monday, 4 March 2013
Somewhere in New Zealand, probably with mountains in the background
"Well, I think our younger batsmen will receive a bit over the next couple of hours," grimaces Brendon McCullum, looking down at the green pitch as he is asked to respond to the glum news that England have lost the toss.
He is right, of course: New Zealand are 90-7, as the players tuck in to a rack of lamb for lunch, and Steven Finn tucks into his former bleater with special gusto, having taken the first five wickets of what is a lucrative tour for him. His bowling speed may have reached 100 mph at one point, although it is impossible to know for sure, because for some reason the Kiwi television producers have set the speedgun to record in kilometres per hour. Back in England, Nigel Farage asks indignantly whether New Zealand is now French, or something.
The afternoon session sees a spirited, but all too brief, fightback from McCullum and Doug Bracewell. However, when the Kiwis finally collapse to 146 all out, even Sky television's Ian Smith is glum.
Things do not get much better when England bat. Bracewell is the only bowler able to extract any zip off a gentle cricket pitch. Whilst Nick Compton edges Bracewell to Ross Taylor at first slip for a steady 36, there is simply no question of Jonathan Trott or Alastair Cook being dismissed on the first day. England are on 146-1 at the close of play.
In order to breathe some life into the second day, and perhaps to improve the paltry attendance by the paying spectators on the first day, New Zealand prime minister John Key announces that the New Zealand parliament will sit in the stands at the University Oval, for one day only. They debate the motion that "Test cricket should be split into two tiers, in order that it may remain meaningful for supporters of New Zealand and Bangladesh, and also in order that the Irish should be given a chance". They pass the motion 69-0.
Whilst the enthusiasm of Mr Key and his friends is not enough by itself to arouse interest from the Dunedin crowd, as the day passes, the stands fill; to the point of capacity, and then to the point that the (refreshing and sensible) ground stewards let willing spectators sit just beyond the boundary ropes; for something magnificent happens.
Bracewell has a clear limp, as he takes to the field, but takes the second new ball nevertheless. It is clear though that the cut to hit foot has worsened with the previous day's bowling, but he carries on into the Dunedin wind. He picks up the occasional wicket, and that is only notionally why he is out there. For as first his show, and then as every second footprint in his run up become blood-sodden, even the beige brigade start to understand that he is bowling because he has realised he can be magnificent. Fifteen overs and three wickets later, he changes his socks and (eschewing offers for a massage or something in the dressing room) goes to field at fine leg for the rest of the day.
Still, for all Bracewell's heroics, New Zealand are not very good at cricket. Ian Bell quietly scores a century, explaining later that he was not affected by Kane Williamson's sledging at cover, because he could not understand what he was saying. So pronounced (if that is not an unfortunate word to use) was Williamson's accent, that the educated Warwickshire batsman believed the Kiwi was speaking Cornish. With ten minutes to go before close of play, England decide that enough is enough, and declare on 500-5.
It is all over quite quickly the next morning, and but for a few lusty blows from Bracewell, New Zealand would not have made it to 100. It is difficult to be sure whether Steven Finn's match figures of 12-121 are a little generous to him, because the Black Caps batting is improved second time around, it is coming from an under-developed base.
He is right, of course: New Zealand are 90-7, as the players tuck in to a rack of lamb for lunch, and Steven Finn tucks into his former bleater with special gusto, having taken the first five wickets of what is a lucrative tour for him. His bowling speed may have reached 100 mph at one point, although it is impossible to know for sure, because for some reason the Kiwi television producers have set the speedgun to record in kilometres per hour. Back in England, Nigel Farage asks indignantly whether New Zealand is now French, or something.
The afternoon session sees a spirited, but all too brief, fightback from McCullum and Doug Bracewell. However, when the Kiwis finally collapse to 146 all out, even Sky television's Ian Smith is glum.
Things do not get much better when England bat. Bracewell is the only bowler able to extract any zip off a gentle cricket pitch. Whilst Nick Compton edges Bracewell to Ross Taylor at first slip for a steady 36, there is simply no question of Jonathan Trott or Alastair Cook being dismissed on the first day. England are on 146-1 at the close of play.
In order to breathe some life into the second day, and perhaps to improve the paltry attendance by the paying spectators on the first day, New Zealand prime minister John Key announces that the New Zealand parliament will sit in the stands at the University Oval, for one day only. They debate the motion that "Test cricket should be split into two tiers, in order that it may remain meaningful for supporters of New Zealand and Bangladesh, and also in order that the Irish should be given a chance". They pass the motion 69-0.
Whilst the enthusiasm of Mr Key and his friends is not enough by itself to arouse interest from the Dunedin crowd, as the day passes, the stands fill; to the point of capacity, and then to the point that the (refreshing and sensible) ground stewards let willing spectators sit just beyond the boundary ropes; for something magnificent happens.
Bracewell has a clear limp, as he takes to the field, but takes the second new ball nevertheless. It is clear though that the cut to hit foot has worsened with the previous day's bowling, but he carries on into the Dunedin wind. He picks up the occasional wicket, and that is only notionally why he is out there. For as first his show, and then as every second footprint in his run up become blood-sodden, even the beige brigade start to understand that he is bowling because he has realised he can be magnificent. Fifteen overs and three wickets later, he changes his socks and (eschewing offers for a massage or something in the dressing room) goes to field at fine leg for the rest of the day.
Still, for all Bracewell's heroics, New Zealand are not very good at cricket. Ian Bell quietly scores a century, explaining later that he was not affected by Kane Williamson's sledging at cover, because he could not understand what he was saying. So pronounced (if that is not an unfortunate word to use) was Williamson's accent, that the educated Warwickshire batsman believed the Kiwi was speaking Cornish. With ten minutes to go before close of play, England decide that enough is enough, and declare on 500-5.
It is all over quite quickly the next morning, and but for a few lusty blows from Bracewell, New Zealand would not have made it to 100. It is difficult to be sure whether Steven Finn's match figures of 12-121 are a little generous to him, because the Black Caps batting is improved second time around, it is coming from an under-developed base.
Monday, 10 December 2012
Nagpur
Set in its Central India location, Nagpur is in a dry part of India, and the cricket pitch is in a dry part of Nagpur. MS Dhoni makes little effort to pretend that the pitch is intended for anything other than his three spinners. There is just one change in the England side, with Jonny Bairstow re-introduced to replace Samit Patel, who has an upset stomach. The Indian side, however, bears two changes, with Yuvraj Singh and Zaheer Khan making way for Puyish Chawla and Parvinder Awana respectively. Rather than bother with the formality of going out into the middle, Alistair Cook and MS Dhoni stay in the pavilion and just agree that if they had actually tossed a coin, India would have won the toss and decided to bat.
They might equally have agreed that Gautam Ghambir would have been trapped lbw, prodding half-forward to James Anderson's third delivery, particularly if they had read Next Week's Scoreboard. But - as has been pointed out both in productions such as Doctor Who and Back to the Future, and also by a former colleague of NWS's author - the possibility of an individual able to control and yet also know his fate could cause a rupture in the space/time continuum. This itself could have disrupted the Final Test in manners unknown, and perhaps that is why Cook and Dhoni, with their love for test match cricket, decided to avoid this blog.
Anyway, India bat pretty well after Ghambir's not unpredictable dismissal, on a dry looking pitch. Virender Sehwag is stumped for 94, trying to hit Monty Panesar into the River Nagpur, but Sachin Tendulkar survives a confident lbw decision to make an accomplished 76 not out, before stumps are drawn with the score on 245 for 2. But the pitch is already turning for Panesar and Swann: how long can the little resplendido keep the former Northants spinners at bay?
In the most absorbing day's cricket since 12 September 2005, there is a titanic battle between modern greats Sachin Tendulkar and Monty Panesar. In a day when Panesar and Swann bowl unchanged for a session and a half, Tendulkar battles to 158, before becoming Panesar's final wicket, but at the other end, the Indians try to keep the Englsih spinners out - but to no avail. Eventually, the Indians are all out for 422. Panesar can only smile, as he walks off the pitch and sees a massive banner saying "Well done, Monty, you really bowled splendidly." That is true generosity of spirit from the Indian supporters.
Perhaps exhausted from fielding around the bat, the England batsmen do not play well. Awana is nervous, but after Cook nicks a wide one to Pujara at slip, he regains his confidence and starts to bowl increasingly quickly. Jonathan Trott and Kevin Pietersen follow quickly afterwards, and Nick Compton can only look on sadly from the other end. Ian Bell is able to keep out Awana, and the erratic Chawla; and indeed after tea, the two England right-handers open up, striking Chawla for 44 runs in just two overs. Unfortunately, Bell is out stumped off Chawla, trying to do one better than Sehwag and hit the iffy leg-spinner into the River Nagpur. Sir Ian Botham explains that this is Bell's natural game, but there is little sympathy as nightwatchman Anderson's off-stump is uprooted by Awana in the final ball of the day's play.
The third day starts well for England, with Bairstow batting assertively against R Ashwin. He knocks up a quick 45, before attampting to reverse sweep Pragyan Ojha. As the ball strikes his pad, each and every one of the Indian close fielders appeal for lbw, but Umpire Aleem Dar does an excellent job to detect an edge before the ball strikes the pad, and declines the appeal. Detecting a problem, Compton comes down the pitch and challenges Bairstow to cross the Rubicon - to go from being a promising one day wicketkeeper-batsman, to being a test match batsman. Bairstow is the last man out for 146, off 220 balls, as England are eventually dismissed for 455. There is just time for Sehwag to get out stumped, trying once more to hit Panesar into the River Nagpur, before close of play.
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
It is clear that the match will result in a draw, barring a batting catastrophe by either side. Unfortunately, that is the fate which meets India. Or was it a great bowling performance from Steven Finn on a dead pitch which caused it? And is India's batting collapse too late for England to claim victory anyway?
They might equally have agreed that Gautam Ghambir would have been trapped lbw, prodding half-forward to James Anderson's third delivery, particularly if they had read Next Week's Scoreboard. But - as has been pointed out both in productions such as Doctor Who and Back to the Future, and also by a former colleague of NWS's author - the possibility of an individual able to control and yet also know his fate could cause a rupture in the space/time continuum. This itself could have disrupted the Final Test in manners unknown, and perhaps that is why Cook and Dhoni, with their love for test match cricket, decided to avoid this blog.
Anyway, India bat pretty well after Ghambir's not unpredictable dismissal, on a dry looking pitch. Virender Sehwag is stumped for 94, trying to hit Monty Panesar into the River Nagpur, but Sachin Tendulkar survives a confident lbw decision to make an accomplished 76 not out, before stumps are drawn with the score on 245 for 2. But the pitch is already turning for Panesar and Swann: how long can the little resplendido keep the former Northants spinners at bay?
In the most absorbing day's cricket since 12 September 2005, there is a titanic battle between modern greats Sachin Tendulkar and Monty Panesar. In a day when Panesar and Swann bowl unchanged for a session and a half, Tendulkar battles to 158, before becoming Panesar's final wicket, but at the other end, the Indians try to keep the Englsih spinners out - but to no avail. Eventually, the Indians are all out for 422. Panesar can only smile, as he walks off the pitch and sees a massive banner saying "Well done, Monty, you really bowled splendidly." That is true generosity of spirit from the Indian supporters.
Perhaps exhausted from fielding around the bat, the England batsmen do not play well. Awana is nervous, but after Cook nicks a wide one to Pujara at slip, he regains his confidence and starts to bowl increasingly quickly. Jonathan Trott and Kevin Pietersen follow quickly afterwards, and Nick Compton can only look on sadly from the other end. Ian Bell is able to keep out Awana, and the erratic Chawla; and indeed after tea, the two England right-handers open up, striking Chawla for 44 runs in just two overs. Unfortunately, Bell is out stumped off Chawla, trying to do one better than Sehwag and hit the iffy leg-spinner into the River Nagpur. Sir Ian Botham explains that this is Bell's natural game, but there is little sympathy as nightwatchman Anderson's off-stump is uprooted by Awana in the final ball of the day's play.
The third day starts well for England, with Bairstow batting assertively against R Ashwin. He knocks up a quick 45, before attampting to reverse sweep Pragyan Ojha. As the ball strikes his pad, each and every one of the Indian close fielders appeal for lbw, but Umpire Aleem Dar does an excellent job to detect an edge before the ball strikes the pad, and declines the appeal. Detecting a problem, Compton comes down the pitch and challenges Bairstow to cross the Rubicon - to go from being a promising one day wicketkeeper-batsman, to being a test match batsman. Bairstow is the last man out for 146, off 220 balls, as England are eventually dismissed for 455. There is just time for Sehwag to get out stumped, trying once more to hit Panesar into the River Nagpur, before close of play.
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
It is clear that the match will result in a draw, barring a batting catastrophe by either side. Unfortunately, that is the fate which meets India. Or was it a great bowling performance from Steven Finn on a dead pitch which caused it? And is India's batting collapse too late for England to claim victory anyway?
Monday, 3 December 2012
Why India is the best place in the world
Alistair (or is it Alastair? I always forget) Cook calls correctly, and asks MS Dhoni if he will bowl. Cook licks his lips as he says this. By the end of the day, he has has chipped, nurdled and generally defended his way to 158 not out. At the other end, Joe Root - batting at six in preference to Samit Patel - is looking accomplished on 85 not out. The pitch is slow, but is already taking spin, and England have the runs on the board - 358-4.
The second day is a hot one. Root only adds three before he falls for 88 to Ishant Sharma, but Cook presses on, grinding his way onwards with Matt Prior playing well at the other end. By mid-afternoon, with the pitch deteriorating rapidly, James Anderson finally edges R Ashwin to slip, and England are bowled out for 555.
As one might expect, England open up their bowling with their spinners. With a perceived hoodoo over the Indian batsmen, Monty Panesar and Graeme Swann leap in - but without any effect. Virender Sehwag and Gautam Ghambir show what incredible batsmen they are, as they craft the score up to 55 after 5 overs. Anderson and Steven Finn take the ball, but whilst Finn is able to strike Sehwag with a lifting bouncer, neither England bowler is able to make a breakthrough. With five minutes to go before tea, England need a change bowler in order that Finn may get another over. Thrown the ball, Root floats the ball between bat and pad, bowling Sehwag through the gate, as he dances down the pitch and tries to hit the Yorkshireman into the River Hooghly. 66-1 at tea. That is England's last success of the day, however: India close on 151-1 (Ghambir 89*, Pujara 21*).
The third day is a mixed one for England: they bowl poorly, and drop a great many catches, but MS Dhoni follows up on his episode with the dry pitches by declaring the Indian innings closed with just 2 wickets down, 100 runs behind, in the mid-afternoon. He explains later that he wanted to have the maximum time to force a result. Duncan Fletcher defends his man, explaining that Dhoni is occasionally stupid and is not to be blamed for that. Anyway, England score a further 176 runs during what remains of the day, for the loss of just (a very tired looking) Cook. Nick Compton, in particular, shows that the goatee beard he shares with Kevin Pietersen is a signature of a shared talent.
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
The fifth day sees England bat for an hour, with Ian Bell chipping a number of easy boundaries; eventually England declare, setting India 362 to win off 75 overs. Panesar and Swann bowl well, but once again Ghambir and Sehwag are too good for them. As Sehwag quickly passes his century, it looks as if the chase is on. But drawing inspiration, Cook once again runs to Root. He tosses up a looping off-break, and for the second time in the match, Sehwag tries to hit him into the River Hooghly; and for a second time it all goes wrong. The ball skies, and whilst closest fielder Panesar loses the ball in the sun and has to run for cover, Prior is safely on hand to pouch the catch.
In that moment, Panesar and Swann understand the great beauty that it is India. In India, they do not just have pitches that spin, they have pitches that spin in different ways, depending on how quickly you bowl. After watching YouTube footage of Philippe Edmonds during the lunch break, Panesar in particular is able to adapt to the uncomfortably slow surface. After lunch, the England spinners are very splendid indeed. India are all out, just after the tea, as the red sun makes its way down over the Eden Gardens scoreboard. Eden Gardens indeed; probably the best country in the world, this.
The second day is a hot one. Root only adds three before he falls for 88 to Ishant Sharma, but Cook presses on, grinding his way onwards with Matt Prior playing well at the other end. By mid-afternoon, with the pitch deteriorating rapidly, James Anderson finally edges R Ashwin to slip, and England are bowled out for 555.
As one might expect, England open up their bowling with their spinners. With a perceived hoodoo over the Indian batsmen, Monty Panesar and Graeme Swann leap in - but without any effect. Virender Sehwag and Gautam Ghambir show what incredible batsmen they are, as they craft the score up to 55 after 5 overs. Anderson and Steven Finn take the ball, but whilst Finn is able to strike Sehwag with a lifting bouncer, neither England bowler is able to make a breakthrough. With five minutes to go before tea, England need a change bowler in order that Finn may get another over. Thrown the ball, Root floats the ball between bat and pad, bowling Sehwag through the gate, as he dances down the pitch and tries to hit the Yorkshireman into the River Hooghly. 66-1 at tea. That is England's last success of the day, however: India close on 151-1 (Ghambir 89*, Pujara 21*).
The third day is a mixed one for England: they bowl poorly, and drop a great many catches, but MS Dhoni follows up on his episode with the dry pitches by declaring the Indian innings closed with just 2 wickets down, 100 runs behind, in the mid-afternoon. He explains later that he wanted to have the maximum time to force a result. Duncan Fletcher defends his man, explaining that Dhoni is occasionally stupid and is not to be blamed for that. Anyway, England score a further 176 runs during what remains of the day, for the loss of just (a very tired looking) Cook. Nick Compton, in particular, shows that the goatee beard he shares with Kevin Pietersen is a signature of a shared talent.
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
The fifth day sees England bat for an hour, with Ian Bell chipping a number of easy boundaries; eventually England declare, setting India 362 to win off 75 overs. Panesar and Swann bowl well, but once again Ghambir and Sehwag are too good for them. As Sehwag quickly passes his century, it looks as if the chase is on. But drawing inspiration, Cook once again runs to Root. He tosses up a looping off-break, and for the second time in the match, Sehwag tries to hit him into the River Hooghly; and for a second time it all goes wrong. The ball skies, and whilst closest fielder Panesar loses the ball in the sun and has to run for cover, Prior is safely on hand to pouch the catch.
In that moment, Panesar and Swann understand the great beauty that it is India. In India, they do not just have pitches that spin, they have pitches that spin in different ways, depending on how quickly you bowl. After watching YouTube footage of Philippe Edmonds during the lunch break, Panesar in particular is able to adapt to the uncomfortably slow surface. After lunch, the England spinners are very splendid indeed. India are all out, just after the tea, as the red sun makes its way down over the Eden Gardens scoreboard. Eden Gardens indeed; probably the best country in the world, this.
Thursday, 22 November 2012
In the psychiatrist's chair
"Well then, Sachin, why are you here today?"
"I had an argument with MS Dhoni the other day, and I feel I need to tell somebody about it."
"That's not why you're here, is it?"
"No. I'd better tell you. It was the fifth day, in the second test at Mumbai. The fourth day was lost to rain, and even after the infant scored a quickfire hundred for England, we were only set 132 to win in two sessions. Viru and Ghambir managed to see off Anderson and Meaker, and Swann too. But then he came...he came..."
"Who came, Sachin?"
"No; I can't talk about it. It's too painful, even after three years."
"It's OK, Sachin, you can talk about it. You are in a safe place here. But you have to tell me or he will never go away...now tell me...who took 10-12 to bowl England to an extraordinary victory?"
"You know. The bearded one who can't bat or field."
"Tell me, Sachin. Tell me now, or you will never be free."
"Monty. Yes, it was Monty Panesar."
"Well done, Sachin."
"I had an argument with MS Dhoni the other day, and I feel I need to tell somebody about it."
"That's not why you're here, is it?"
"No. I'd better tell you. It was the fifth day, in the second test at Mumbai. The fourth day was lost to rain, and even after the infant scored a quickfire hundred for England, we were only set 132 to win in two sessions. Viru and Ghambir managed to see off Anderson and Meaker, and Swann too. But then he came...he came..."
"Who came, Sachin?"
"No; I can't talk about it. It's too painful, even after three years."
"It's OK, Sachin, you can talk about it. You are in a safe place here. But you have to tell me or he will never go away...now tell me...who took 10-12 to bowl England to an extraordinary victory?"
"You know. The bearded one who can't bat or field."
"Tell me, Sachin. Tell me now, or you will never be free."
"Monty. Yes, it was Monty Panesar."
"Well done, Sachin."
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
That'll be £50,000, please
Redder than a Martian landscape, the Ahmedabad pitch looks back up at Alistair Cook. The red dust flying from the pitch looks like curry powder, ready to confound the bowels of an England batsman in the fourth innings. Sensibly, the Essex man decides to bat, and it is therefore the case that a few moments later he walks out to bat with Nick Compton, who has sensibly decided to remove his goatee beard, following advice from Kevin Pietersen that it looks good.
Compton is facing up to to Zaheer Khan, who is bowling his regulatory six overs before injuring his hamstring. Compton's first ball in test cricket sears past the off-stump, past the Somerset man's forward prod. He is shaken, but is shaken more still when a moment later there is a booming voice from the sky:
"Nick, it's Grandpa Denis up in heaven. When you're facing the new ball, and you get one rising outside off stump, just let the ball go - you'll only nick it to slip otherwise."
As Geoffrey Boycott in the TMS commentary box assures viewers that this is good advice from Compton senior, Compton junior composes himself. But he finds a new certainty, and sees off the remainder of Khan's spell. And it proves to be the Indian spinners who have short-comings; R Ashwin and Yuvraj Singh both regularly leak one boundary an over. It is no great surprise when the England openers return for some lunch, with the score on 109-0 (Compton 51*, Cook 51*).
The remainder of the day follows relatively calmly, with no further interventions from Compton senior's spirit: and it is a testiment to Compton junior's batting that no further guidance is needed. A test cricketer in his own right now, Nick Compton bats in a splendid manner, deadeningly seeing off Sachin Tendulkar's medium-dobbers, and Virender Sehwag's nonsense. Following Cook's skied pull to mid-on, Kevin Pietersen comes and goes to Yuvraj, but Compton stays. He is 168 not out at close of play, with England looking well placed on 368-5.
Compton eventually falls the next day for 199, but Graeme Swann and nightwatchman Monty Panesar are able to craft the score past 500. It later transpires that they had a wager, agreeing that the first to pass 50 runs is to be recognised the greatest Northamptonshire spinner of all time. Apart from Anil Kumble and Bishen Bedi. Eventually, England are all out for 555, in the mid-afternoon.
Graeme Onions, surprisingly preferred to James Anderson, seems to thrive in the heat. He belies the flat surface, pitching the ball full, as first Gautan Ghambir and then Virender Sehwag are dismissed leg before wicket. Even Tendulkar is dismissed leg before wicket, missing a ball that does not turn from an elated Panesar. By tea-time, India are 35-5. By close of play, they are 87-6.
The following morning sees some stout resistance from Dhoni and the beligerant Ashwin, as they club the England spinners around mercilessly. But Ashwin gets carried away with himself, and dances past a ball floated up by Graeme Swann: Prior has the bails off in a moment, and that proves the mumble which starts the avalanche. India are 187 all out, with five minutes to go before lunch on the third day.
Cook discusses his options with Flower over lunch - lentil curry, with a naan bread. Both are concerned that Panesar and Swann may not be good enough to withstand Sehwag and Tendulkar in full flight. Nobody wants to see England batting on a last day pitch against spin. They are resolved to refuse the follow-on, but then Pietersen sits opposite the captain and coach.
"P!ss off Kevin, I haven't got time for you and your text messages now" moans Cook - quite unaware that Pietersen has a valid point to make.
"Excuse me, sir," responds Pietersen mildly "I just wanted to offer an opinion. I feel you should respect your spinners. For all that is said in the English press, Panesar and Swann are amongst the best of the planet - and even if they have an off-day, you still have Samit Patel and me. Surely, between the four of us, we can see off the Indians without the need to expose English frailties against spin?"
Shocked, Cook and Flower nod at each other; before Flower propelty acknowledges that Pietersen is right. They decide to require the Indians to follow on. Predictably, the Indian innings is dominated by spin, with Panesar giving Patel lessons in left-arm spin, explaining dull accuracy is the only way to bowl in India. Patel rewards his master, delivering four wickets during what remains of the third day's play. India are ill-positioned, at 280-7 at the end of the third day.
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
Inspired by the unusual weather, the Indians resist on the fifth day, and Dhoni and Zaheer dig in. When they are bowled out, with four overs to go before the close, the Indians even have a lead of 46.
Pietersen is asked to open the batting with Captain Cook - but he falls with 22 still needed off two overs, for a three lion victory. Having batted so well in the first innings, Compton is pushed out to finish the job off. Compton is taking his guard, as R Ashwin prepares to bowl. But suddenly, once again, the clouds part and the skies speak once more.
"You need to give Ashwin some humpty, grandson. Don't be deluded by the use of the initial as a he first name, or even the success in the T20 - he's cr@p."
And so it follows that England win with an over to spare. Compton has won the game for England. The question is though; which Compton?
Compton is facing up to to Zaheer Khan, who is bowling his regulatory six overs before injuring his hamstring. Compton's first ball in test cricket sears past the off-stump, past the Somerset man's forward prod. He is shaken, but is shaken more still when a moment later there is a booming voice from the sky:
"Nick, it's Grandpa Denis up in heaven. When you're facing the new ball, and you get one rising outside off stump, just let the ball go - you'll only nick it to slip otherwise."
As Geoffrey Boycott in the TMS commentary box assures viewers that this is good advice from Compton senior, Compton junior composes himself. But he finds a new certainty, and sees off the remainder of Khan's spell. And it proves to be the Indian spinners who have short-comings; R Ashwin and Yuvraj Singh both regularly leak one boundary an over. It is no great surprise when the England openers return for some lunch, with the score on 109-0 (Compton 51*, Cook 51*).
The remainder of the day follows relatively calmly, with no further interventions from Compton senior's spirit: and it is a testiment to Compton junior's batting that no further guidance is needed. A test cricketer in his own right now, Nick Compton bats in a splendid manner, deadeningly seeing off Sachin Tendulkar's medium-dobbers, and Virender Sehwag's nonsense. Following Cook's skied pull to mid-on, Kevin Pietersen comes and goes to Yuvraj, but Compton stays. He is 168 not out at close of play, with England looking well placed on 368-5.
Compton eventually falls the next day for 199, but Graeme Swann and nightwatchman Monty Panesar are able to craft the score past 500. It later transpires that they had a wager, agreeing that the first to pass 50 runs is to be recognised the greatest Northamptonshire spinner of all time. Apart from Anil Kumble and Bishen Bedi. Eventually, England are all out for 555, in the mid-afternoon.
Graeme Onions, surprisingly preferred to James Anderson, seems to thrive in the heat. He belies the flat surface, pitching the ball full, as first Gautan Ghambir and then Virender Sehwag are dismissed leg before wicket. Even Tendulkar is dismissed leg before wicket, missing a ball that does not turn from an elated Panesar. By tea-time, India are 35-5. By close of play, they are 87-6.
The following morning sees some stout resistance from Dhoni and the beligerant Ashwin, as they club the England spinners around mercilessly. But Ashwin gets carried away with himself, and dances past a ball floated up by Graeme Swann: Prior has the bails off in a moment, and that proves the mumble which starts the avalanche. India are 187 all out, with five minutes to go before lunch on the third day.
Cook discusses his options with Flower over lunch - lentil curry, with a naan bread. Both are concerned that Panesar and Swann may not be good enough to withstand Sehwag and Tendulkar in full flight. Nobody wants to see England batting on a last day pitch against spin. They are resolved to refuse the follow-on, but then Pietersen sits opposite the captain and coach.
"P!ss off Kevin, I haven't got time for you and your text messages now" moans Cook - quite unaware that Pietersen has a valid point to make.
"Excuse me, sir," responds Pietersen mildly "I just wanted to offer an opinion. I feel you should respect your spinners. For all that is said in the English press, Panesar and Swann are amongst the best of the planet - and even if they have an off-day, you still have Samit Patel and me. Surely, between the four of us, we can see off the Indians without the need to expose English frailties against spin?"
Shocked, Cook and Flower nod at each other; before Flower propelty acknowledges that Pietersen is right. They decide to require the Indians to follow on. Predictably, the Indian innings is dominated by spin, with Panesar giving Patel lessons in left-arm spin, explaining dull accuracy is the only way to bowl in India. Patel rewards his master, delivering four wickets during what remains of the third day's play. India are ill-positioned, at 280-7 at the end of the third day.
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
Inspired by the unusual weather, the Indians resist on the fifth day, and Dhoni and Zaheer dig in. When they are bowled out, with four overs to go before the close, the Indians even have a lead of 46.
Pietersen is asked to open the batting with Captain Cook - but he falls with 22 still needed off two overs, for a three lion victory. Having batted so well in the first innings, Compton is pushed out to finish the job off. Compton is taking his guard, as R Ashwin prepares to bowl. But suddenly, once again, the clouds part and the skies speak once more.
"You need to give Ashwin some humpty, grandson. Don't be deluded by the use of the initial as a he first name, or even the success in the T20 - he's cr@p."
And so it follows that England win with an over to spare. Compton has won the game for England. The question is though; which Compton?
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
A victory for good manners and common sense
Kevin Pietersen plays after apologising and admitting he has been a very naughty boy. He is forced to write "I recognise that both Andrew Strauss and Andy Flower are both splendid; and what is more, I realise I must never indulge in paranoid fantasies about my teammates." some 250 times. As a precaution, Captain Strauss insists that Pietersen hands over each of his seven mobile telephones twenty minutes before the start of play. That is the end of the matter and they are all friends again.
The first day, disturbed as it is by rain, is short-lived. But in the 32 overs possible, Steven Finn and James Anderson make significant in-roads into the South African batting line-up. And the run-rate is poor; Hashim Amla's efforts to frustrate the England bowlers backfire, as Simon Taufel gets bored and decides to give him out lbw, even though the ball pitched half a yard outside leg-stump. 66-6 at the end of day one.
AB de Villiers and Dale Steyn hold up the England seam-bowlers at the start of day two, taking the score on to 160-6. With twenty minutes to go before lunch, Strauss turns to Pietersen for advice. Pietersen asks for a bowl; and de Villiers falls a natural prey to one that turns and bounces, with the ball pricking off his low gloves into the hands of Ian Bell at silly point. The rest of the South African innings subsides meakly, and they are bowled out for 178. England bat well throughout the rest of the day. Pietersen is dragged to the crease when Cook is dismissed 15 minutes before the close; but he plays well, and there seems to be only one possible winner with the score on 190-2.
Pietersen and Trott play well on the third day, on a benign pitch. The score is 587-6 at close of play, with both Pietersen and Trott scoring 222, in a brace of innings almost designed by fate herself to wind up the South Africans. In his post-play interview, wearing a handsome ECB blazer which is announced as the England cricket team's new Lords uniform, Strauss explains that England wanted to get a big first innings lead, as the South African batsmen are dull, they have every reason to play for a draw and the Lords pitch is amazingly good.
He need not have worried. By close of play on the fourth day, the South Africans are crying into their beer. England have won by an innings and 48 runs, following a destructive spell of bowling by Steven Finn. Collaborating on their podcast for the BBC website, Jonathan Agnew exclaims that Finn's spell of 8-17 sets a new benchmark in polite hostility, whereas Geoffrey Boycott complains that the South African batsmen have let their country down by not moving their feet.
The first day, disturbed as it is by rain, is short-lived. But in the 32 overs possible, Steven Finn and James Anderson make significant in-roads into the South African batting line-up. And the run-rate is poor; Hashim Amla's efforts to frustrate the England bowlers backfire, as Simon Taufel gets bored and decides to give him out lbw, even though the ball pitched half a yard outside leg-stump. 66-6 at the end of day one.
AB de Villiers and Dale Steyn hold up the England seam-bowlers at the start of day two, taking the score on to 160-6. With twenty minutes to go before lunch, Strauss turns to Pietersen for advice. Pietersen asks for a bowl; and de Villiers falls a natural prey to one that turns and bounces, with the ball pricking off his low gloves into the hands of Ian Bell at silly point. The rest of the South African innings subsides meakly, and they are bowled out for 178. England bat well throughout the rest of the day. Pietersen is dragged to the crease when Cook is dismissed 15 minutes before the close; but he plays well, and there seems to be only one possible winner with the score on 190-2.
Pietersen and Trott play well on the third day, on a benign pitch. The score is 587-6 at close of play, with both Pietersen and Trott scoring 222, in a brace of innings almost designed by fate herself to wind up the South Africans. In his post-play interview, wearing a handsome ECB blazer which is announced as the England cricket team's new Lords uniform, Strauss explains that England wanted to get a big first innings lead, as the South African batsmen are dull, they have every reason to play for a draw and the Lords pitch is amazingly good.
He need not have worried. By close of play on the fourth day, the South Africans are crying into their beer. England have won by an innings and 48 runs, following a destructive spell of bowling by Steven Finn. Collaborating on their podcast for the BBC website, Jonathan Agnew exclaims that Finn's spell of 8-17 sets a new benchmark in polite hostility, whereas Geoffrey Boycott complains that the South African batsmen have let their country down by not moving their feet.
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