Stadium of the Damned

Many congratulations indeed, to the owners of the Rose Bowl on the successful stage of their first test match, a triumph for cricket eventing, as they eek out every penny from the innocent fans.

After Andrew Strauss wins the toss and elects to bat, England's bright start is a metaphor for the birth of a brand new test match venue. The steely modern age amphitheatre is abuzz, with Southampton's excellent cricket supporters enjoying the privilege of the highest standard of cricket. They watch Strauss and opening partner Alistair Cook dominate the enthusiastic Sri Lankan bowling, which becomes increasingly ragged as time passes; the score is 130-0 at lunch.

The afternoon bears on, and whilst England lose Cook shortly after he has reached his 19th test match hundred, it becomes increasingly clear that the Sri Lankan bowlers are inapt for the task, regularly gifting the three-lioned Englishmen eight runs an over.

As Mike Atherton reflects on Strauss' 212* after play, he catches sight of a mother, wheeling a baby past the window of the Sky commentary box in a pram. With a shock of blonde hair; and a slightly chubby face, the infant looks Atherton in the eye and smiles, to reveal a set of pearly white teeth, sinister as they reflect the evening sun so unnaturally. The sight shakes Atherton; he has seen that face before - but where?

Day two goes well for England. Kevin Pietersen banishes some mind-devils, with his swashbuckling 204*, before Andrew Strauss declares just after lunch, with the score on 655-5. Explaining his decision, Strauss says "I can't see any point in carrying on. I challenge my bowlers to ensure that the Sri Lankans don't get anywhere near our total, even with two innings."

And it seems they can answer his challenge, as Sri Lanka subside to 156-6 at the close of play. Once again, though, Nasser Hussain notices that Atherton is troubled. Challenged, Atherton explains to his former England colleague that he has seen another baby with that same, familiar, face. He can't quite identify the face, but it spells trouble, a problem in Atherton's past. He returns to his hotel, haunted.

The third day of cricket is frankly disappointing. It is all too predictable, as Sri Lanka fold their first innings at 211 all out. They follow on, and then they fold again; only Farveez Maharoof shows any spirit as the day closes with the score at 211-9.

Mike Atherton shows the Sky viewers a 3D model of the following day's weather, which isn't promising; but his discourse is interrupted, as he sees the face again, this time in a third baby. Blonde hair, chubby face, Dulux teeth. It's almost as if the babies have had their teeth polished.

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

But the sun is shining on day five. The crowd is sparse, but there is a celebrity in town; on the home balcony stands none other than SK Warne. As the Sky cameras zoom in on the wide leg-spinner, it hits Atherton. The babies. The blonde hair. The glittering teeth. As the supporters file out of the Hampshire ground, England having won by an innings and 230 runs, he asks the Sky producers to provide him with footage of the crowds throughout the test. And oh no, for what is this? Hundreds of young mothers, all with young babies, all with pearly teeth, bleached hair and earrings. To his horror, Atherton sees what happens when Shane Warne is in town.