"Well then, Sachin, why are you here today?"
"I had an argument with MS Dhoni the other day, and I feel I need to tell somebody about it."
"That's not why you're here, is it?"
"No. I'd better tell you. It was the fifth day, in the second test at Mumbai. The fourth day was lost to rain, and even after the infant scored a quickfire hundred for England, we were only set 132 to win in two sessions. Viru and Ghambir managed to see off Anderson and Meaker, and Swann too. But then he came...he came..."
"Who came, Sachin?"
"No; I can't talk about it. It's too painful, even after three years."
"It's OK, Sachin, you can talk about it. You are in a safe place here. But you have to tell me or he will never go away...now tell me...who took 10-12 to bowl England to an extraordinary victory?"
"You know. The bearded one who can't bat or field."
"Tell me, Sachin. Tell me now, or you will never be free."
"Monty. Yes, it was Monty Panesar."
"Well done, Sachin."
Thursday, 22 November 2012
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
That'll be £50,000, please
Redder than a Martian landscape, the Ahmedabad pitch looks back up at Alistair Cook. The red dust flying from the pitch looks like curry powder, ready to confound the bowels of an England batsman in the fourth innings. Sensibly, the Essex man decides to bat, and it is therefore the case that a few moments later he walks out to bat with Nick Compton, who has sensibly decided to remove his goatee beard, following advice from Kevin Pietersen that it looks good.
Compton is facing up to to Zaheer Khan, who is bowling his regulatory six overs before injuring his hamstring. Compton's first ball in test cricket sears past the off-stump, past the Somerset man's forward prod. He is shaken, but is shaken more still when a moment later there is a booming voice from the sky:
"Nick, it's Grandpa Denis up in heaven. When you're facing the new ball, and you get one rising outside off stump, just let the ball go - you'll only nick it to slip otherwise."
As Geoffrey Boycott in the TMS commentary box assures viewers that this is good advice from Compton senior, Compton junior composes himself. But he finds a new certainty, and sees off the remainder of Khan's spell. And it proves to be the Indian spinners who have short-comings; R Ashwin and Yuvraj Singh both regularly leak one boundary an over. It is no great surprise when the England openers return for some lunch, with the score on 109-0 (Compton 51*, Cook 51*).
The remainder of the day follows relatively calmly, with no further interventions from Compton senior's spirit: and it is a testiment to Compton junior's batting that no further guidance is needed. A test cricketer in his own right now, Nick Compton bats in a splendid manner, deadeningly seeing off Sachin Tendulkar's medium-dobbers, and Virender Sehwag's nonsense. Following Cook's skied pull to mid-on, Kevin Pietersen comes and goes to Yuvraj, but Compton stays. He is 168 not out at close of play, with England looking well placed on 368-5.
Compton eventually falls the next day for 199, but Graeme Swann and nightwatchman Monty Panesar are able to craft the score past 500. It later transpires that they had a wager, agreeing that the first to pass 50 runs is to be recognised the greatest Northamptonshire spinner of all time. Apart from Anil Kumble and Bishen Bedi. Eventually, England are all out for 555, in the mid-afternoon.
Graeme Onions, surprisingly preferred to James Anderson, seems to thrive in the heat. He belies the flat surface, pitching the ball full, as first Gautan Ghambir and then Virender Sehwag are dismissed leg before wicket. Even Tendulkar is dismissed leg before wicket, missing a ball that does not turn from an elated Panesar. By tea-time, India are 35-5. By close of play, they are 87-6.
The following morning sees some stout resistance from Dhoni and the beligerant Ashwin, as they club the England spinners around mercilessly. But Ashwin gets carried away with himself, and dances past a ball floated up by Graeme Swann: Prior has the bails off in a moment, and that proves the mumble which starts the avalanche. India are 187 all out, with five minutes to go before lunch on the third day.
Cook discusses his options with Flower over lunch - lentil curry, with a naan bread. Both are concerned that Panesar and Swann may not be good enough to withstand Sehwag and Tendulkar in full flight. Nobody wants to see England batting on a last day pitch against spin. They are resolved to refuse the follow-on, but then Pietersen sits opposite the captain and coach.
"P!ss off Kevin, I haven't got time for you and your text messages now" moans Cook - quite unaware that Pietersen has a valid point to make.
"Excuse me, sir," responds Pietersen mildly "I just wanted to offer an opinion. I feel you should respect your spinners. For all that is said in the English press, Panesar and Swann are amongst the best of the planet - and even if they have an off-day, you still have Samit Patel and me. Surely, between the four of us, we can see off the Indians without the need to expose English frailties against spin?"
Shocked, Cook and Flower nod at each other; before Flower propelty acknowledges that Pietersen is right. They decide to require the Indians to follow on. Predictably, the Indian innings is dominated by spin, with Panesar giving Patel lessons in left-arm spin, explaining dull accuracy is the only way to bowl in India. Patel rewards his master, delivering four wickets during what remains of the third day's play. India are ill-positioned, at 280-7 at the end of the third day.
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
Inspired by the unusual weather, the Indians resist on the fifth day, and Dhoni and Zaheer dig in. When they are bowled out, with four overs to go before the close, the Indians even have a lead of 46.
Pietersen is asked to open the batting with Captain Cook - but he falls with 22 still needed off two overs, for a three lion victory. Having batted so well in the first innings, Compton is pushed out to finish the job off. Compton is taking his guard, as R Ashwin prepares to bowl. But suddenly, once again, the clouds part and the skies speak once more.
"You need to give Ashwin some humpty, grandson. Don't be deluded by the use of the initial as a he first name, or even the success in the T20 - he's cr@p."
And so it follows that England win with an over to spare. Compton has won the game for England. The question is though; which Compton?
Compton is facing up to to Zaheer Khan, who is bowling his regulatory six overs before injuring his hamstring. Compton's first ball in test cricket sears past the off-stump, past the Somerset man's forward prod. He is shaken, but is shaken more still when a moment later there is a booming voice from the sky:
"Nick, it's Grandpa Denis up in heaven. When you're facing the new ball, and you get one rising outside off stump, just let the ball go - you'll only nick it to slip otherwise."
As Geoffrey Boycott in the TMS commentary box assures viewers that this is good advice from Compton senior, Compton junior composes himself. But he finds a new certainty, and sees off the remainder of Khan's spell. And it proves to be the Indian spinners who have short-comings; R Ashwin and Yuvraj Singh both regularly leak one boundary an over. It is no great surprise when the England openers return for some lunch, with the score on 109-0 (Compton 51*, Cook 51*).
The remainder of the day follows relatively calmly, with no further interventions from Compton senior's spirit: and it is a testiment to Compton junior's batting that no further guidance is needed. A test cricketer in his own right now, Nick Compton bats in a splendid manner, deadeningly seeing off Sachin Tendulkar's medium-dobbers, and Virender Sehwag's nonsense. Following Cook's skied pull to mid-on, Kevin Pietersen comes and goes to Yuvraj, but Compton stays. He is 168 not out at close of play, with England looking well placed on 368-5.
Compton eventually falls the next day for 199, but Graeme Swann and nightwatchman Monty Panesar are able to craft the score past 500. It later transpires that they had a wager, agreeing that the first to pass 50 runs is to be recognised the greatest Northamptonshire spinner of all time. Apart from Anil Kumble and Bishen Bedi. Eventually, England are all out for 555, in the mid-afternoon.
Graeme Onions, surprisingly preferred to James Anderson, seems to thrive in the heat. He belies the flat surface, pitching the ball full, as first Gautan Ghambir and then Virender Sehwag are dismissed leg before wicket. Even Tendulkar is dismissed leg before wicket, missing a ball that does not turn from an elated Panesar. By tea-time, India are 35-5. By close of play, they are 87-6.
The following morning sees some stout resistance from Dhoni and the beligerant Ashwin, as they club the England spinners around mercilessly. But Ashwin gets carried away with himself, and dances past a ball floated up by Graeme Swann: Prior has the bails off in a moment, and that proves the mumble which starts the avalanche. India are 187 all out, with five minutes to go before lunch on the third day.
Cook discusses his options with Flower over lunch - lentil curry, with a naan bread. Both are concerned that Panesar and Swann may not be good enough to withstand Sehwag and Tendulkar in full flight. Nobody wants to see England batting on a last day pitch against spin. They are resolved to refuse the follow-on, but then Pietersen sits opposite the captain and coach.
"P!ss off Kevin, I haven't got time for you and your text messages now" moans Cook - quite unaware that Pietersen has a valid point to make.
"Excuse me, sir," responds Pietersen mildly "I just wanted to offer an opinion. I feel you should respect your spinners. For all that is said in the English press, Panesar and Swann are amongst the best of the planet - and even if they have an off-day, you still have Samit Patel and me. Surely, between the four of us, we can see off the Indians without the need to expose English frailties against spin?"
Shocked, Cook and Flower nod at each other; before Flower propelty acknowledges that Pietersen is right. They decide to require the Indians to follow on. Predictably, the Indian innings is dominated by spin, with Panesar giving Patel lessons in left-arm spin, explaining dull accuracy is the only way to bowl in India. Patel rewards his master, delivering four wickets during what remains of the third day's play. India are ill-positioned, at 280-7 at the end of the third day.
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
Inspired by the unusual weather, the Indians resist on the fifth day, and Dhoni and Zaheer dig in. When they are bowled out, with four overs to go before the close, the Indians even have a lead of 46.
Pietersen is asked to open the batting with Captain Cook - but he falls with 22 still needed off two overs, for a three lion victory. Having batted so well in the first innings, Compton is pushed out to finish the job off. Compton is taking his guard, as R Ashwin prepares to bowl. But suddenly, once again, the clouds part and the skies speak once more.
"You need to give Ashwin some humpty, grandson. Don't be deluded by the use of the initial as a he first name, or even the success in the T20 - he's cr@p."
And so it follows that England win with an over to spare. Compton has won the game for England. The question is though; which Compton?
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
A victory for good manners and common sense
Kevin Pietersen plays after apologising and admitting he has been a very naughty boy. He is forced to write "I recognise that both Andrew Strauss and Andy Flower are both splendid; and what is more, I realise I must never indulge in paranoid fantasies about my teammates." some 250 times. As a precaution, Captain Strauss insists that Pietersen hands over each of his seven mobile telephones twenty minutes before the start of play. That is the end of the matter and they are all friends again.
The first day, disturbed as it is by rain, is short-lived. But in the 32 overs possible, Steven Finn and James Anderson make significant in-roads into the South African batting line-up. And the run-rate is poor; Hashim Amla's efforts to frustrate the England bowlers backfire, as Simon Taufel gets bored and decides to give him out lbw, even though the ball pitched half a yard outside leg-stump. 66-6 at the end of day one.
AB de Villiers and Dale Steyn hold up the England seam-bowlers at the start of day two, taking the score on to 160-6. With twenty minutes to go before lunch, Strauss turns to Pietersen for advice. Pietersen asks for a bowl; and de Villiers falls a natural prey to one that turns and bounces, with the ball pricking off his low gloves into the hands of Ian Bell at silly point. The rest of the South African innings subsides meakly, and they are bowled out for 178. England bat well throughout the rest of the day. Pietersen is dragged to the crease when Cook is dismissed 15 minutes before the close; but he plays well, and there seems to be only one possible winner with the score on 190-2.
Pietersen and Trott play well on the third day, on a benign pitch. The score is 587-6 at close of play, with both Pietersen and Trott scoring 222, in a brace of innings almost designed by fate herself to wind up the South Africans. In his post-play interview, wearing a handsome ECB blazer which is announced as the England cricket team's new Lords uniform, Strauss explains that England wanted to get a big first innings lead, as the South African batsmen are dull, they have every reason to play for a draw and the Lords pitch is amazingly good.
He need not have worried. By close of play on the fourth day, the South Africans are crying into their beer. England have won by an innings and 48 runs, following a destructive spell of bowling by Steven Finn. Collaborating on their podcast for the BBC website, Jonathan Agnew exclaims that Finn's spell of 8-17 sets a new benchmark in polite hostility, whereas Geoffrey Boycott complains that the South African batsmen have let their country down by not moving their feet.
The first day, disturbed as it is by rain, is short-lived. But in the 32 overs possible, Steven Finn and James Anderson make significant in-roads into the South African batting line-up. And the run-rate is poor; Hashim Amla's efforts to frustrate the England bowlers backfire, as Simon Taufel gets bored and decides to give him out lbw, even though the ball pitched half a yard outside leg-stump. 66-6 at the end of day one.
AB de Villiers and Dale Steyn hold up the England seam-bowlers at the start of day two, taking the score on to 160-6. With twenty minutes to go before lunch, Strauss turns to Pietersen for advice. Pietersen asks for a bowl; and de Villiers falls a natural prey to one that turns and bounces, with the ball pricking off his low gloves into the hands of Ian Bell at silly point. The rest of the South African innings subsides meakly, and they are bowled out for 178. England bat well throughout the rest of the day. Pietersen is dragged to the crease when Cook is dismissed 15 minutes before the close; but he plays well, and there seems to be only one possible winner with the score on 190-2.
Pietersen and Trott play well on the third day, on a benign pitch. The score is 587-6 at close of play, with both Pietersen and Trott scoring 222, in a brace of innings almost designed by fate herself to wind up the South Africans. In his post-play interview, wearing a handsome ECB blazer which is announced as the England cricket team's new Lords uniform, Strauss explains that England wanted to get a big first innings lead, as the South African batsmen are dull, they have every reason to play for a draw and the Lords pitch is amazingly good.
He need not have worried. By close of play on the fourth day, the South Africans are crying into their beer. England have won by an innings and 48 runs, following a destructive spell of bowling by Steven Finn. Collaborating on their podcast for the BBC website, Jonathan Agnew exclaims that Finn's spell of 8-17 sets a new benchmark in polite hostility, whereas Geoffrey Boycott complains that the South African batsmen have let their country down by not moving their feet.
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Olympic Relief
"Come on boys," chirps Graeme Smith, cock-a-hoop with England struggling on 66-4 on a fruity Headlingley track, "he's only 5'52 tall. That is approximately 1.95 times the height of an average Springbok"
And so starts the Test career of England's new number six, James Taylor. It has been an odd day, with rain preventing any play before tea. Taylor's first three balls from Morne Morkel pass a foot over his head. His third ball is on a good length, outside off-stump, and seams in. In the TMS commentary box, Michael Vaughan gasps as the ball rears towards Taylor's head. But Taylor swings the ball round, past Dale Steyn at fine leg, to take an excellent first boundary.
With five minutes to go before close of play, he looks a test cricketer, at 45 not out. He is batting well, and has made Imran Tahir in particular look slightly foolish. Smith brings Morkel back. With the last ball of the day, Morkel hits Taylor on the shoulder. The South Africans all go up for lbw, and review the decision using the DRS system, but Hawkeye shows the ball is missing the off stump.
Still, though, the South Africans are not happy. Overnight, Smith applies for Judicial Review of Third Umpire Rob Bailey's decision not to overturn the onfield umpire's decision. Court delays briefly threaten a start to the next day's play, but fortunately Tugendhat J has tickets, and quickly dismisses the South Africans' application. Taylor's innings continues at 11:00 am.
It is over, though in the last over before tea. He is the last man out, having scored 144, with the England total at 356 - a shade under par, but it has been cloudy.
The South Africans struggle. James Anderson is clearly unhappy by being compared unfavourably to Dale Steyn, and bowls significantly quicker - and Graeme Smtih quickly edges him to Graeme Swann at second slip. Hashim Amla is then dismissed in bizarre circumstances, hooking the ball into Ian Bell's helmet at short leg, only for the ball to ricochet to 'keeper Matthew Prior. When Stuart Broad hits a tuft of grass on a convenient length, a tired looking Jacques Kallis has little alternative but to edge the ball to third slip. Jacques Rudolph, playing at his former home ground, briefly threatens to delay England, but Swann traps him lbw, and after that, the rattled South Africans subside very quickly. They are eventually dismissed for 122 all out. There is very widespread criticism of AB de Villiers' decision to play for the South African hockey team at the Olympics in the evening, with de Villiers only able to explain that he did not expect to have to bat that evening. Anyway, Andrew Strauss immediately asks a grumpy looking Smith to follow on.
The third day is an unsuccessful one for the South Africans. Smith looks grumpy, but the unattractiveness of his play is matched by its effectiveness: he bats all day for a well fought 55*. But at the other end, Swann is able to claim wickets at regular intervals. By close of play, the South Africans have still not achieved parity, and an early conclusion to the match seems to be imminent, with the score at 222-9.
The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.
But the South Africans' hopes of an escape built on adverse meteorology are dashed: once again, the South Africans are undone by their own team. With ten minutes to go before the start of play, Smith makes the awful discovery that Vernon Philander is in London, representing South African in the Olympic weightlifting tournament. The match is declared forfeited.
As James Taylor readies himself to receive a man-of-the-match cheque which is nearly three times' his length, the presentation ceremony takes an unexpected turn of events. The interviews are interrupted by the national anthem, and suddenly appears the slight figure of HM The Queen. She is beearing medals.
She briefly explains that Test Match cricket has, at the very last minute, been awarded Olympic status. The remaining squads having failed to attend, the England team are awarded the Gold Medal, the Umpires are given the Silver, and the South Africans the Bronze.
NWS sincerely hopes he has been nice enough not to be arrested.
Monday, 16 July 2012
The Kevin Pietersen grudge match
"To play one day cricket, or not to play international cricket" ponders Kevin Pietersen. He sits motionless, cross legged on the sodden Oval outfield, threading a daisy chain.
The emotion is almost too much for him: it has been a huge day. England's victory, his own 158, Steven Finn's 8-28 and the tears of the South Africans, mourning Mark Boucher's sudden and unexpected retirement.
Pietersen feels a pair of eyes looking down upon him. He looks up to Graeme Smith, smiling smugly on the Oval balcony. He knows what he has to do. He stands up, and makes his way slowly towards Andy Flower's office, thinking only about how to persuade the England coach to take him back.
Thursday, 7 June 2012
NWS - an apology
Regularly readers of NWS will be well aware of its profound accuracy and faith to the facts, as they are about to unfold. How true that is became apparent today. Previously, it had always been assumed that NWS followed the facts. All that changed today. As the rain came down at Edgbaston, it became clear that the reverse is true: the facts follow NWS. Imagine the horror of NWS, as it was clear that there would be no cricket, because there was no NWS prediction.
To rectify the position, and to improve the weather tomorrow, NWS can hereby confirm that England will win the third test match by 106 runs, with Steven Finn taking sixteen wickets, and Sunil Narine taking 1-216.
In the meantime, NWS would wish to apologise to all those hopeful spectators who turned up at Edgbaston today. Your suffering had weighed heavy on NWS' conscience.
To rectify the position, and to improve the weather tomorrow, NWS can hereby confirm that England will win the third test match by 106 runs, with Steven Finn taking sixteen wickets, and Sunil Narine taking 1-216.
In the meantime, NWS would wish to apologise to all those hopeful spectators who turned up at Edgbaston today. Your suffering had weighed heavy on NWS' conscience.
Thursday, 24 May 2012
It is the last straw for Andy Flower. After Kevin Pietersen caused havoc at the MCC, by tweeting the rumour that Graeme Swann would abandon the Test Match to sing for the United Kingdom in the Eurovision Song Contest, the iPads of the entire England are fitted with a new application. The "Focus on Cricket" application gives the user a mild electric shock, if they attempt to log on to any social media website. It takes Pietersen several times to understand how - and indeed that - it works.
As it is, Darren Sammy wins the toss, and elects to bat. Things get off to a pretty bad start; James Anderson and Stuart Broad bowl particularly well, and West Indies subside to 24-2. However, Adrian Barath and Darren Bravo nurse the West Indians to lunch with no further alarm. There is little to recommend the remainder of the day; Tim Bresnan continues to bowl every single delivery half a yard outside off stump, and Graeme Swann is off form. By close of play, it is the West Indies who are on top at 255-3.
The England effort is much improved on Saturday; the explanation given by the ECB is that Andy Flower gave the team a "talking to" on Friday night, whereas the Sky television links it to the tidal moments of the River Trent. However, the truth is more complex; bored by the Twitter ban, James Anderson and Graeme Swann have turned to a spare copy of Wisden, and have spent Friday night studying the form of their opponents. Anderson was intrigued to discover that Shivnarine Chanderpaul is dismissed leg before wicket on a disproportionate number of occasions, and resolved to bowler a little straighter to him. No surprise then, that Chanderpaul fell lbw in the first over of the day. That is the catalyst for a "Calypso Collapso", as Michael Holding sadly describes it. Three overs before lunch, the West Indies have folded for 298 all out.
The remainder of the day sees just one wicket, as Jonathan Trott and Alastair Cook both set about enormously long innings. Both innings progress through Sunday, and perhaps out of boredom, Andrew Strauss declares late on Sunday night with the score on 500-1.
Monday is, unfortunately, like shooting ducks for the England bowlers. The weather is overcast, and West Indian after West Indian has little alternative but to prod forward to the England seamers, hopefully but hopelessly, the ball flying off their hapless bats to the alert slip cordon. It is England who are sipping the champagne by 3:20 in the afternoon, shortly after an in-swinger from James Anderson shatters Kemar Roach's stumps. England win by an innings and 32 runs.
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