NWS - an apology

Regularly readers of NWS will be well aware of its profound accuracy and faith to the facts, as they are about to unfold.  How true that is became apparent today.  Previously, it had always been assumed that NWS followed the facts.  All that changed today.  As the rain came down at Edgbaston, it became clear that the reverse is true: the facts follow NWS.  Imagine the horror of NWS, as it was clear that there would be no cricket, because there was no NWS prediction.

To rectify the position, and to improve the weather tomorrow, NWS can hereby confirm that England will win the third test match by 106 runs, with Steven Finn taking sixteen wickets, and Sunil Narine taking 1-216.

In the meantime, NWS would wish to apologise to all those hopeful spectators who turned up at Edgbaston today. Your suffering had weighed heavy on NWS' conscience.

Twitter

It is the last straw for Andy Flower. After Kevin Pietersen caused havoc at the MCC, by tweeting the rumour that Graeme Swann would abandon the Test Match to sing for the United Kingdom in the Eurovision Song Contest, the iPads of the entire England are fitted with a new application. The "Focus on Cricket" application gives the user a mild electric shock, if they attempt to log on to any social media website. It takes Pietersen several times to understand how - and indeed that - it works.  

As it is, Darren Sammy wins the toss, and elects to bat. Things get off to a pretty bad start; James Anderson and Stuart Broad bowl particularly well, and West Indies subside to 24-2.  However, Adrian Barath and Darren Bravo nurse the West Indians to lunch with no further alarm.  There is little to recommend the remainder of the day; Tim Bresnan continues to bowl every single delivery half a yard outside off stump, and Graeme Swann is off form. By close of play, it is the West Indies who are on top at 255-3.

The England effort is much improved on Saturday; the explanation given by the ECB is that Andy Flower gave the team a "talking to" on Friday night, whereas the Sky television links it to the tidal moments of the River Trent. However, the truth is more complex; bored by the Twitter ban, James Anderson and Graeme Swann have turned to a spare copy of Wisden, and have spent Friday night studying the form of their opponents. Anderson was intrigued to discover that Shivnarine Chanderpaul is dismissed leg before wicket on a disproportionate number of occasions, and resolved to bowler a little straighter to him. No surprise then, that Chanderpaul fell lbw in the first over of the day.  That is the catalyst for a "Calypso Collapso", as Michael Holding sadly describes it. Three overs before lunch, the West Indies have folded for 298 all out.  

The remainder of the day sees just one wicket, as Jonathan Trott and Alastair Cook both set about enormously long innings. Both innings progress through Sunday, and perhaps out of boredom, Andrew Strauss declares late on Sunday night with the score on 500-1. 

Monday is, unfortunately, like shooting ducks for the England bowlers. The weather is overcast, and West Indian after West Indian has little alternative but to prod forward to the England seamers, hopefully but hopelessly, the ball flying off their hapless bats to the alert slip cordon. It is England who are sipping the champagne by 3:20 in the afternoon, shortly after an in-swinger from James Anderson shatters Kemar Roach's stumps.  England win by an innings and 32 runs. 

Calypso Spirit

Just before play on Thursday morning, the surprise selections of Jack Brooks and Stuart Meaker, standing in for the food poisoned James Anderson and Stuart Broad, means the Lords murmur is an octave higher than usual.

Brooks in particular is a tired man.  His 11-2-12-7 at Canterbury was harder work than it sounds, and the call-up from England at 9:30 in the morning came as a complete surprise.  But two hours later, as he looks down at the cherry glossed Duke ball at Lords and sees the three golden lions on the side of the ball, he knows his chance has come. 

"This man got an eeevil bandana," responds Adrian Barath, opening the batting for the West Indies, "and he's got a naasty mullet."

But it proves to be Brooks' bowling, rather than his haircut, that is truly malevolent. The strong Steelback starts in, walking his first stride before getting into stride. He approaches the crease at the Nursery End. He leaps into his delivery stride, and with an effortless balance lets the ball go at 85 mph. The ball arrives on a length, and Barath is unsure what to do; it rears at him, and catches the edge of his "Calypso 55" bat.  The ball flies to Jonny Bairstow, fielding in his first test match at gully. 

That is the highlight of an abbreviated day of cricket, as rain sets in just after noon.  With play abandoned for the day at Lords, Brooks contemplates going down to Canterbury to help out his beloved Northamptonshire, but an ECB official - later proved to be a Kent spy - forbids Brooks from doing joining his teammates. 

Perhaps that is a blessing for Brooks, though, as Friday is a blustery day, and Brooks and Meaker both get a long bowl.  Meaker bowls particularly quickly, but decisive strokeplay from Darren Bravo in particular means that the game is finely balanced. At close of play, the score is 346-8. 

10:30 Saturday morning, and Darren Sammy is getting ready to continue his careful innings. But he looks up at the leaden skies, and reflects: who would want to bat against Finn, Meaker and Brooks in this weather?  On a whim, he declares.  His smart decision reaps immediate rewards: the England openers are ill-prepared, and in just the third over, Kemar Roach bowls Alastair Cook through the gate. Jonathan Trott edges the next ball to Barath at slip, and it is as if West Indian cricket is back in its glory days once more.  Despite a pugnacious 76 from Bairstow, in his maiden test innings, England are finally bowled out just after tea, for 226, and whilst Finn takes three before the close, the West Indies have a distinct advantage of 63-3.   

Unfortunately, due to a diary error the West Indians are obliged to attend a rum tasting event at the Barbadian embassy that night. The next morning, the effects are mixed: "I am feeling groggy, man. That Captain Morgan has given me bad sensations" complains Dwayne Bravo as Jonathan Agnew interviews him just before play starts. At first, it seems Darren Bravo is inspired by his hangover, taking 22 off the first five balls of Graeme Swann's first over. But he skies the final ball of the Nottinghamshire twirler's over, and the ball is caught by Kevin Pietersen at cover point.  

"Very very stupid indeed. Quite unforgivable, that," tuts Test Match Special guest commentator, Ritchie Benaud. His disappointment is audible and understandable, as despite a resolute innings from Darren Sammy, the West Indian innings subsides. When Brooks takes a sharp caught and bowled chance just after lunch, they are all out for 132. England are set 253 to win. 

England captain Strauss is nursing a migraine, so Trott and Cook open the batting. They play well to take the England innings to 54, before Cook edges Shane Shillingford to Darren Bravo at slip.  Pietersen and Bell follow cheaply, and when Bairstow falls twenty minutes before the close, England are precariously poised at 152-4. But Brooks agrees to act at nightwatchman, much in his own style. In the last over of the day, he clubs Shillingford for two giant sixes in the Mound Stand.  The balance of power has shifted again; presumably England cannot lose from 182-4? 

Indeed they can't, as it turns out.  In very different styles, Brooks and Trott polish off the remaining runs. Trott is able to celebrate his century, before Brooks drives Shillingford through the covers to seal an England victory.  

A blueprint for life

England's batting on the first morning at Colombo is dreadful. Not even Graeme Swann's rendition of Glen Campbell's Rhinestone Cowboy can cheer the England dressing room at lunchtime. Things get little better in the afternoon, and only a resolute stand between Jonathan Trott and Tim Bresnan is able to lift the innings over 200. Just after tea, Steven Finn's off-stump is pegged back, and Jonathan Agnew looks through the shimmering heat to see 212-10 on the scoreboard.

Things are little better in London. Sitting in his flat above 10 Downing Street, David Cameron listens in dismay to Francis Maude's announcement that all the animals in Longleat are to be slain, in order to save the petrol used to fuel the estate's fleet of Land Rovers. He decides he needs a break from self-important ministers, and switches the radio over to the cricket. He hears the score and starts to weep.

As Jonathan Agnew runs through the scoreboard, Geoffrey Boycott comments on what an accomplished batsman Jonathan Trott is. Cameron sips some tea. He ponders that England's best batsman is, in fact, South African. Downcast, he says to himself that this is a failure on the part of English domestic cricket, before suddenly being improved by an alternative perspective: that Jonathan Trott is an indication of the success of English cricket. He and Kevin Pietersen have paid a generous compliment to English cricket by moving here. They decided that England was a better place than South Africa to play cricket - and that's great, because they both seem to be decent people.

But as he listens to Agnew running through the England scorecard, Cameron is puzzled to learn that a bowler has been dropped as a result of England's poor batting performance in Galle. And not just any bowler: Monty Panesar. The team's most enthusiastic and hardworking player has been dropped.

Cameron turns the radio down, and reflects a moment longer: England is a team which is improved by its imports, but where the ones who quietly work hard do not always get the greatest reward. Yes, thinks Cameron, England is a team which is improved by its imports, but where the ones who quietly work hard do not always get the greatest reward. A cricket team is a microcosm for the nation it represents, and more generally, cricket is a metaphor for life.

Cameron realises what he must do, to improve both his country and improve its cricket team. For they are one and the same thing. He announces what the BBC calls a "package of measures" intended to improve people, including the allocation of additional votes to those with higher IQ levels, government incentives for good manners and lower rates of tax for the hardest working (but not necessarily the highest earning).

After a performance demonstrating enormous commitment in sapping heat, England are able to turn the match around, and win by three wickets.

Scorching

"It's the romance of the place," explains Andrew Strauss, as he gestures towards the fort overlooking the ground, "I can't stop myself. I shall bat."

In equatorial heat, Mahela Jayawardene asks Suranga Lakmal and Chanaka Welegedara to open the bowling, so as to get the England innings off to a dull start. As might be expected, the Sri Lankans bowls on a regular length, testing the patience of the England batsmen. Fortunately, Strauss and Alistair Cook have been practicing against 75 mph bowling, and are able to chip the occasional single. In frustration, Jayawardene asks Ranjana Herath to bowl. But like Mrs Thatcher, a first day pitch in Sri Lanka is not for turning; and the Sri Lankans soon realise the game is up. Strauss is out chipping a slower ball from Lakmal to mid-off, but otherwise, England are undisturbed on their way to 83-1 at lunch.

Recognising that rain is predicted for later in the match, Andy Flower encourages Jonathan Trott to score runs more quickly than usual. He tries, but he finds himself trapped inside his own cliche: he is in "the bubble", and unable to escape. 36 not out at tea, and 74 not out at the close, he plays the straightest of straight bats to over after over of medium pace nonsense. Test cricket has become stagnant.

Come the morning of the second day, the crowd is sparse, and only a few travelling England supporters line the stadium decks. Could it be the indignant ticket prices, or could it be Trott's batting? Those that are present are kept amused by the visiting Sir Cliff Richard, who has kindly agreed to lead a singalong whilst Trott defends. Eventually, England declare shortly after tea, on 555-2.

The match is alive once more. England's bowlers make immediate inroads into the Sri Lankan batting line-up. James Anderson is able to use the sultry conditions to swing the ball through the air; at first, Lahiru Thirimanne pads up to one that swings in to him, and the following ball sees Kumar Sangakarra edge the ball to Graeme Swann at second slip. At the other end, Stuart Broad has made a remarkable recovery from his sprained ankle, possibly as a result of spiritual advice from Glenn Hoddle, who is on holiday with Sir Cliff Richard. Tillekaratne Dilshan finds a curious way to be caught at silly point: the ball flies off his gloves, and becomes lodged in the handkerchief which Ian Bell's has put round his neck to keep cool. When Swann dismisses Thilan Samaraweera lbw in the penultimate over of the day, Sri Lanka are in significant difficulty at 56-4.

However, the Sri Lankan batsmen are refreshed by the third morning, and Dinesh Chandimal and Angelo Mathews (also recovered from injury following advice from Glenn Hoddle) bat well against good bowling. Both of England's DRS challenges are used up on speculative Monty Panesar lbw appeals, and whilst Panesar makes partial amends by taking a return catch to dismiss Mathews, Sri Lanka are well placed on 166-5 at lunch.

After lunch, a heat wave increases temperatures at the ground to 46 degrees, and after substitute fielder Samit Patel complains that he is feeling faint, the umpires consider calling a halt to play. However, substitute substitute fielder James Tredwell brings on a flask of hot tea, and after that, everyone feels much better. England plough on, and are rewarded as spirited bowling from Swann and Trott bring a cluster of wickets. Sri Lanka are bowled out for 228.

England weather consultant Michael Fish urges Strauss not to enforce the follow on - he predicts very hot sun over on the fourth day. But England's bowlers say they are ready for more work, and Strauss asks the Sri Lankans to bat again. Thirimanne and Dilshan reach the close with their wickets intact.

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to a monsoon.

The fifth day, however, is visited by brighter skies, to the point that there is little surprise when Strauss asks Swann and Panesar to open the bowling. The dividends are immediate: Thirimanne cannot keep out a quicker one from Swann, and the follow ball sees Anderson, fielding at slip, catch a one handed flyer off Sangakarra's bat. The following over sees England lose both of their DRS challenges to speculative Monty Panesar lbw shouts, but it is all smiles for the bearded spinman as his third lbw shout sees Dilshan on a sullen march back to the pavilion.

Chandimal and Samaraweera are able to keep the England bowlers at bay at lunchtime, and in painful heat, England take no further wickets until play is interrupted in mid-afternoon. A viper slivers on to the outfield, and the England players cower. But Umpire Marais Erasmus has seen it all before, and uses the groundsman's rake to pin the serpent to the ground. Chandimal suggests that play should be suspended whilst the Sri Lankan RSPCA is summoned from Colombo to rescue the creature. He explains that Sri Lanka is an animal loving country - but a glint in Chandimal's eye tells Erasmus something is not quite right. Suspecting this is a ruse by the Sri Lankans to delay play and force a draw, Umpire Marais Erasmus uses the calculator function on his iPhone to work out that a car driving a 60 mph from Colombo to Galle will take at least an hour to arrive. He immediately orders that the snake be bludgeoned to death, using Chandimal's bat. Despite pleas for the creature's life from Glenn Hoddle, Graeme Swann does the deed and play resumes within five minutes.

The break in play allows England to drink more tea, and that is just what they need to break Sri Lankan resistance. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Chandimal is unhappy about resuming his innings with his blood-stained bat; it is equally unsurprising, then, that Swann traps him lbw in the follow over. The batting collapse that follows prompts Sri Lankan president Mahinda Rajapaksa to summon Sanath Jayasuriya, Aravinda de Silva and Arjuna Ranatunga from retirement, in order to solidify the Sri Lankan batting lines up ahead of the Second Test. As it is, the England team drink some more tea, to celebrate their victory of an innings and 49 runs.

- Untitled -

"There's a breathless hush in the Close to-night"

Funny poem, thinks Kevin. Still, he likes the idea of having something to chant whilst batting. Ever since joining Ian Bell's poetry classes, it's been something to take his mind off left arm spin.

"Ten to make and the match to win"

I've got it ten times worse, though, he ponders. England have fought back well, and could ordinarily have been expected to get the 153 needed to win, but after last time...anyway, with only 22 on the board and 2 down, England were in trouble when he got to the crease. England needed Pietersen to play a good innings. He has seen off Ajmal and Hafeez, and whilst Bell has failed at the other end, Ravi Bopara is playing well. 53 for 3, 100 to win.

"A bumping pitch and a blinding light"

But here is trouble. Change of overs, and Rehman's got the ball. Smiling. Tossing the ball in his hand. The Pakistani fielders pointing at Pietersen, sniggering.

"An hour to play, and the last man in."

Monty wouldn't need an hour to finish this match, says Kevin to himself. Natural batsman. Anyway, here he is Rehman, trotting in. Up to crease. Eye on ball, Kevin, eye on ball.

"And it's not for the sake of a ribboned coat"

Sounds nice. Ribboned coat. Shop in Kings Road. Splendid. Must keep eye on ball, he thinks.

"Or the selfish hope of a season's fame"

Sounds nice. Must keep eye on ball. Keep eye on ball. He thinks.

"But his captain's hand on his shoulder smote:"

Ball through air. Captain says we must rock against spin. Nonsense. Follow Lamb's advice and play natural game.

"Play up! Play up! And play the game!"

Advances, meets pitch of ball, strikes, six. Rehman aghast. Kevin is splendid. Best Englishman in Arabia since TE Lawrence. He thinks. Pressure released. England to win.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

Relaxing beside the team hotel's swimming pool, Andy Flower is telling Andrew Strauss about the time he sabotaged Henry Olonga's guitar, when Strauss is rescued by the ring of Flower's mobile telephone. London number, caller unknown.

"Good afternoon, Mr Flower. I'm sure you know who this is."

"Yes Ma'am, I recognise your voice. What can I do for you?"

"Well as you may know, Prince Philip and I have very much enjoyed following England's performances over the last few years, both at home and abroad, but we were both very disappointed about the performance last week. The batting was poor, but we were also very concerned about the team selection. Now I wanted to enquire of you: you are going to play Monty Panesar in the second test match, please?"

"Actually, Ma'am, we believe the current balance of the side works well for us..."

"...shut up, Interflora, and listen. England needs two spinners, and if you don't agree I've got 120 Coldstream Guards outside my window who'll say you're wrong. Now let me ask you one more time: are you going to play Monty Panesar?"

"Why, of course I am, Ma'am."

-----

"Time to bat now, Monty," enthuses Andrew Strauss, patting the Sussex and former Northamptonshire twirler on the back, as Matt Prior starts putting on his wicket-keeping gear. England are on 180-9, and it's been another bad day against Saeed Ajmal.

Panesar gets to the wicket, greeted by Graeme Swann, who is on 55 not out and is playing well.

"He's bowling well," explains the Nottinghamshire and former Northamptonshire spinner, "you have to watch for the doosra and teesra."

"I'm sure you're right."

Panesar settles himself, and prepares to face Ajmal. The little Pakistani bowler trundles in, pauses and coils up, before springing the ball out of his little fingers. The ball pitches on the off-stump, ready to turn away from Panesar's bat. But oh no, what is this? The doosra, turning into Panesar's pads for a certain lbw; only to be swatted away into the leg-side by the smiling Panesar.

"I think you'll need to work on disguising it," remarks Panesar to Ajmal as he turns for the second.

-----

Spirits are high in the England camp, after Swann's 132 and Panesar's 78*, but Younus Khan is good batsman, and the England bowlers have not been able to get past him. Sitting pretty with a score of 56*, the Pakistan batsman is heading towards a big century - and Strauss knows it. Again and again he rotates his bowlers, in the spirit of Captain Kirk trying to regain control of the USS Enterprise by furiously pressing random buttons. Finally, he tosses the ball to Panesar, who drops it.

But the hopes of all England are dashed, as Younus shuffles down the pitch, and drives Panesar over mid-off for a towering six.

"Not so splendid now, are you?" sneers Younus to Panesar.

"It will be the next ball. Have you not read NWS?" asks Panesar.

Panesar shuffles in, before ripping the ball out of his fingers, pitching it on the line on Younus' off-stump. Deceived by the buzz as the ball passes through the air, Younus plays for prodigious spin, but it is not there; rather, the ball darts into his stumps. The ball licks the inside edge, popping up to bat-padman Ian Bell. Bell takes a smart catch, but Younus has to be sent on his way by Umpire Billy Bowden, before he reluctantly accepts his fate.

-----

As he picks up his man-of-the-match award, the keys to a small office block, Monty Panesar speaks to the Sky TV's Michael Atherton.

"Well Monty, you certainly showed that you were splendid today. In your time out of the England team, did you ever doubt you had it in you to come back?" asks the television pundit.

"I always knew I was splendid, but I particularly want to thank the England management for showing faith in me," responds Panesar.

Back in London, a little octogenarian lady smiles into her tea.