Scorching

"It's the romance of the place," explains Andrew Strauss, as he gestures towards the fort overlooking the ground, "I can't stop myself. I shall bat."

In equatorial heat, Mahela Jayawardene asks Suranga Lakmal and Chanaka Welegedara to open the bowling, so as to get the England innings off to a dull start. As might be expected, the Sri Lankans bowls on a regular length, testing the patience of the England batsmen. Fortunately, Strauss and Alistair Cook have been practicing against 75 mph bowling, and are able to chip the occasional single. In frustration, Jayawardene asks Ranjana Herath to bowl. But like Mrs Thatcher, a first day pitch in Sri Lanka is not for turning; and the Sri Lankans soon realise the game is up. Strauss is out chipping a slower ball from Lakmal to mid-off, but otherwise, England are undisturbed on their way to 83-1 at lunch.

Recognising that rain is predicted for later in the match, Andy Flower encourages Jonathan Trott to score runs more quickly than usual. He tries, but he finds himself trapped inside his own cliche: he is in "the bubble", and unable to escape. 36 not out at tea, and 74 not out at the close, he plays the straightest of straight bats to over after over of medium pace nonsense. Test cricket has become stagnant.

Come the morning of the second day, the crowd is sparse, and only a few travelling England supporters line the stadium decks. Could it be the indignant ticket prices, or could it be Trott's batting? Those that are present are kept amused by the visiting Sir Cliff Richard, who has kindly agreed to lead a singalong whilst Trott defends. Eventually, England declare shortly after tea, on 555-2.

The match is alive once more. England's bowlers make immediate inroads into the Sri Lankan batting line-up. James Anderson is able to use the sultry conditions to swing the ball through the air; at first, Lahiru Thirimanne pads up to one that swings in to him, and the following ball sees Kumar Sangakarra edge the ball to Graeme Swann at second slip. At the other end, Stuart Broad has made a remarkable recovery from his sprained ankle, possibly as a result of spiritual advice from Glenn Hoddle, who is on holiday with Sir Cliff Richard. Tillekaratne Dilshan finds a curious way to be caught at silly point: the ball flies off his gloves, and becomes lodged in the handkerchief which Ian Bell's has put round his neck to keep cool. When Swann dismisses Thilan Samaraweera lbw in the penultimate over of the day, Sri Lanka are in significant difficulty at 56-4.

However, the Sri Lankan batsmen are refreshed by the third morning, and Dinesh Chandimal and Angelo Mathews (also recovered from injury following advice from Glenn Hoddle) bat well against good bowling. Both of England's DRS challenges are used up on speculative Monty Panesar lbw appeals, and whilst Panesar makes partial amends by taking a return catch to dismiss Mathews, Sri Lanka are well placed on 166-5 at lunch.

After lunch, a heat wave increases temperatures at the ground to 46 degrees, and after substitute fielder Samit Patel complains that he is feeling faint, the umpires consider calling a halt to play. However, substitute substitute fielder James Tredwell brings on a flask of hot tea, and after that, everyone feels much better. England plough on, and are rewarded as spirited bowling from Swann and Trott bring a cluster of wickets. Sri Lanka are bowled out for 228.

England weather consultant Michael Fish urges Strauss not to enforce the follow on - he predicts very hot sun over on the fourth day. But England's bowlers say they are ready for more work, and Strauss asks the Sri Lankans to bat again. Thirimanne and Dilshan reach the close with their wickets intact.

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to a monsoon.

The fifth day, however, is visited by brighter skies, to the point that there is little surprise when Strauss asks Swann and Panesar to open the bowling. The dividends are immediate: Thirimanne cannot keep out a quicker one from Swann, and the follow ball sees Anderson, fielding at slip, catch a one handed flyer off Sangakarra's bat. The following over sees England lose both of their DRS challenges to speculative Monty Panesar lbw shouts, but it is all smiles for the bearded spinman as his third lbw shout sees Dilshan on a sullen march back to the pavilion.

Chandimal and Samaraweera are able to keep the England bowlers at bay at lunchtime, and in painful heat, England take no further wickets until play is interrupted in mid-afternoon. A viper slivers on to the outfield, and the England players cower. But Umpire Marais Erasmus has seen it all before, and uses the groundsman's rake to pin the serpent to the ground. Chandimal suggests that play should be suspended whilst the Sri Lankan RSPCA is summoned from Colombo to rescue the creature. He explains that Sri Lanka is an animal loving country - but a glint in Chandimal's eye tells Erasmus something is not quite right. Suspecting this is a ruse by the Sri Lankans to delay play and force a draw, Umpire Marais Erasmus uses the calculator function on his iPhone to work out that a car driving a 60 mph from Colombo to Galle will take at least an hour to arrive. He immediately orders that the snake be bludgeoned to death, using Chandimal's bat. Despite pleas for the creature's life from Glenn Hoddle, Graeme Swann does the deed and play resumes within five minutes.

The break in play allows England to drink more tea, and that is just what they need to break Sri Lankan resistance. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Chandimal is unhappy about resuming his innings with his blood-stained bat; it is equally unsurprising, then, that Swann traps him lbw in the follow over. The batting collapse that follows prompts Sri Lankan president Mahinda Rajapaksa to summon Sanath Jayasuriya, Aravinda de Silva and Arjuna Ranatunga from retirement, in order to solidify the Sri Lankan batting lines up ahead of the Second Test. As it is, the England team drink some more tea, to celebrate their victory of an innings and 49 runs.

- Untitled -

"There's a breathless hush in the Close to-night"

Funny poem, thinks Kevin. Still, he likes the idea of having something to chant whilst batting. Ever since joining Ian Bell's poetry classes, it's been something to take his mind off left arm spin.

"Ten to make and the match to win"

I've got it ten times worse, though, he ponders. England have fought back well, and could ordinarily have been expected to get the 153 needed to win, but after last time...anyway, with only 22 on the board and 2 down, England were in trouble when he got to the crease. England needed Pietersen to play a good innings. He has seen off Ajmal and Hafeez, and whilst Bell has failed at the other end, Ravi Bopara is playing well. 53 for 3, 100 to win.

"A bumping pitch and a blinding light"

But here is trouble. Change of overs, and Rehman's got the ball. Smiling. Tossing the ball in his hand. The Pakistani fielders pointing at Pietersen, sniggering.

"An hour to play, and the last man in."

Monty wouldn't need an hour to finish this match, says Kevin to himself. Natural batsman. Anyway, here he is Rehman, trotting in. Up to crease. Eye on ball, Kevin, eye on ball.

"And it's not for the sake of a ribboned coat"

Sounds nice. Ribboned coat. Shop in Kings Road. Splendid. Must keep eye on ball, he thinks.

"Or the selfish hope of a season's fame"

Sounds nice. Must keep eye on ball. Keep eye on ball. He thinks.

"But his captain's hand on his shoulder smote:"

Ball through air. Captain says we must rock against spin. Nonsense. Follow Lamb's advice and play natural game.

"Play up! Play up! And play the game!"

Advances, meets pitch of ball, strikes, six. Rehman aghast. Kevin is splendid. Best Englishman in Arabia since TE Lawrence. He thinks. Pressure released. England to win.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

Relaxing beside the team hotel's swimming pool, Andy Flower is telling Andrew Strauss about the time he sabotaged Henry Olonga's guitar, when Strauss is rescued by the ring of Flower's mobile telephone. London number, caller unknown.

"Good afternoon, Mr Flower. I'm sure you know who this is."

"Yes Ma'am, I recognise your voice. What can I do for you?"

"Well as you may know, Prince Philip and I have very much enjoyed following England's performances over the last few years, both at home and abroad, but we were both very disappointed about the performance last week. The batting was poor, but we were also very concerned about the team selection. Now I wanted to enquire of you: you are going to play Monty Panesar in the second test match, please?"

"Actually, Ma'am, we believe the current balance of the side works well for us..."

"...shut up, Interflora, and listen. England needs two spinners, and if you don't agree I've got 120 Coldstream Guards outside my window who'll say you're wrong. Now let me ask you one more time: are you going to play Monty Panesar?"

"Why, of course I am, Ma'am."

-----

"Time to bat now, Monty," enthuses Andrew Strauss, patting the Sussex and former Northamptonshire twirler on the back, as Matt Prior starts putting on his wicket-keeping gear. England are on 180-9, and it's been another bad day against Saeed Ajmal.

Panesar gets to the wicket, greeted by Graeme Swann, who is on 55 not out and is playing well.

"He's bowling well," explains the Nottinghamshire and former Northamptonshire spinner, "you have to watch for the doosra and teesra."

"I'm sure you're right."

Panesar settles himself, and prepares to face Ajmal. The little Pakistani bowler trundles in, pauses and coils up, before springing the ball out of his little fingers. The ball pitches on the off-stump, ready to turn away from Panesar's bat. But oh no, what is this? The doosra, turning into Panesar's pads for a certain lbw; only to be swatted away into the leg-side by the smiling Panesar.

"I think you'll need to work on disguising it," remarks Panesar to Ajmal as he turns for the second.

-----

Spirits are high in the England camp, after Swann's 132 and Panesar's 78*, but Younus Khan is good batsman, and the England bowlers have not been able to get past him. Sitting pretty with a score of 56*, the Pakistan batsman is heading towards a big century - and Strauss knows it. Again and again he rotates his bowlers, in the spirit of Captain Kirk trying to regain control of the USS Enterprise by furiously pressing random buttons. Finally, he tosses the ball to Panesar, who drops it.

But the hopes of all England are dashed, as Younus shuffles down the pitch, and drives Panesar over mid-off for a towering six.

"Not so splendid now, are you?" sneers Younus to Panesar.

"It will be the next ball. Have you not read NWS?" asks Panesar.

Panesar shuffles in, before ripping the ball out of his fingers, pitching it on the line on Younus' off-stump. Deceived by the buzz as the ball passes through the air, Younus plays for prodigious spin, but it is not there; rather, the ball darts into his stumps. The ball licks the inside edge, popping up to bat-padman Ian Bell. Bell takes a smart catch, but Younus has to be sent on his way by Umpire Billy Bowden, before he reluctantly accepts his fate.

-----

As he picks up his man-of-the-match award, the keys to a small office block, Monty Panesar speaks to the Sky TV's Michael Atherton.

"Well Monty, you certainly showed that you were splendid today. In your time out of the England team, did you ever doubt you had it in you to come back?" asks the television pundit.

"I always knew I was splendid, but I particularly want to thank the England management for showing faith in me," responds Panesar.

Back in London, a little octogenarian lady smiles into her tea.

NWS - A protest

It will not escape the notice of NWS' avid readership that no cricket forecast has been prepared for the first test match.

It must be understood that this is not the action of a lazy man who has been tidying up after having the builders in. No, this is a protest against the shameful antics of Saeed Ajmal, at the end of the morning of the third and final day of this match. Yes him, with his foolish protests against the umpire's decision to uphold Monty Panesar's appeal for leg before wicket, as the former Steelback takes the seventeenth of his nineteen wickets in England's victory by 343 runs.

Thomas and the Big Cricket Match

"Wake up, Thomas!" said the Fat Controller, "You've got a very important job to do today. You've got to take some very good cricketers from their team hotel to a cricket pitch at Vauxhall. They're playing a very important cricket match at the Oval."

After Thomas' fireman had stoked up his boiler, Thomas made his way to the railway station near the team hotel. Annie and Clarabel were very excited: "Tendulkar's last chance, Tendulkar's last chance," they chortled.

When they got to the station, they picked up the England team, the coaches and the backroom support staff. Annie and Clarabel were very full. Then they all set off for Vauxhall. They were delayed for twenty minutes due to a signal failure at Surbiton, but Thomas arrived at Vauxhall just in time.

"Good luck!" tooted Thomas, as he headed back to the yard at Clapham Junction for a rest.

Later that day, Thomas headed back to Vauxhall to pick up the players after the first day's play. The England players were very excited, because they had declared on 514-3 at the end of the first day. Thomas didn't know much about cricket but his driver said that was very good.

The next morning, Thomas was surprised to be told that he had to go back to Vauxhall, but the Fat Controller explained that it was such an important cricket match that it took five days.

Thomas was very proud to be associated with such an important cricket match, and he boasted Percy about it: "I've been entrusted with a cricket match. You only had to take Manchester United to a football match. Football only takes 90 minutes and the players behave like animals."

Percy just blushed, because he knew Thomas was right.

But in the middle of the afternoon, the Fat Controller returned to the yard to say that Thomas had to rush to Vauxhall: the cricket match had ended earlier than expected. Thomas was very upset: his driver explained that India had been bowled out for 42 after following on. Thomas didn't know what "following on" meant, but he carried on to Vauxhall anyway.

When he got there, the England players were waiting for him on the platform. They looked like they were trying to be happy, but were actually sad. Thomas asked Andrew Strauss what the matter was. Strauss explained to Thomas that he was worried that test match cricket was losing its validity because India hadn't tried hard enough. He was also sad because Sachin Tendulkar had announced his retirement, without having scored his hundredth hundred in international cricket.

When Thomas thought about the passing of someone great, he became very sad too. But he knew he had a very important job to do. He set off from Vauxhall to his destination. At every station, people stood and cheered the England team. Soon, Thomas was feeling better again. Finally, he reached the England team's station and dropped them off. They all thanked Thomas, and said goodbye.

Finally, Thomas head back to his shed at Clapham, and soon fell asleep. It had been a very busy two days.

Cricket, not television theft

Cricket grounds do have spirits, and it is a sombre spirit which hangs over Edgbaston on Wednesday morning, as MS Dhoni and Andrew Strauss toss up. The Indian wins the toss, and having regard to the outcome of the previous two test matches, it's hardly surprising that he decides to bat.

Virender Sehwag, who has taken the place of Yuvraj Singh despite a failure at Northampton, gets off to an excellent start. Jocular but wrong Northamptonshire supporters suggest that Stuart Broad and James Anderson are not as good as Luke Evans and Dave Burton, but it almost appears they have a point as Sehwag reaches his fifty, twenty minutes before lunch, and reaches his hundred, twenty minutes after lunch. What a relief it must be for the English bowlers, when in the mid-afternoon play is suspended for ten minutes, due to sunlight shining off Shane Warne's forehead into the batsmen's eyes, and again moments after the resumption, when Graeme Swann removes the little Indian with a ball that turns through the gate to disturb the off-stump. That relief turns to joy, and that joy turns to rapture, as Swann accelerates through the Indian innings. By close of play, India are on 315-8 (Sehwag 123, Swann 6-65). Michael Atherton, writing his leader for The Times, comments how evenly the match seems to be poised: can the Indians, asks Atherton, summon enough runs to set Amit Mishra a reasonable target to bowl at in the final innings?

Some brutalist bowling from Stuart Broad sees him dismiss the final two Indian batsmen first thing on Thursday morning; but when the England innings starts at 11:30, the morning dew has lifted and Edgbaston has become an excellent batting pitch. Sreesanth and RP Singh bowl well, but the placid pitch complements the undoubted skills of Strauss and fellow opener Alistair Cook. It hardly seems fair on the Indians as the England score rattles along, like a tank engine chortling through a rural greensward.

It might, at this point, be expected that the pattern of the previous tests should be followed, that England should score a colossal score against a poor and unfit bowling attack. But in the mid-afternoon, MS Dhoni brings on little spinner Amit Mishra, and he is quickly able to penetrate the England batting unit: it's wickets galore, as nervous England batsman after nervous England batsman is deceived by Mishra, in scenes reminiscent of many England "performances" in the early to mid-nineties. There is some spirited resistance from Stuart Broad and Matthew Prior, but even they are only able to drag the score to 225 all out: precisely 100 behind.

The remainder of the match is a pitch battle between two excellent teams. During the second Indian innings, the batting is brave, as Rahul Dravid crafts out one of his slower innings, but there is little scope for a release, with the England bowling never less than excellent. Finally, Dravid plays no stroke and is out lbw to one of Ravi Bopara's little dobbers, and that proves to be the key needed to unlock the door to the Indian innings. In order to make sure Broad is fully steamed up for the Indian tail, Andrew Strauss cleverly keeps the tall fast bowler out of the attack for a few overs, preferring instead to let Bopara continue at new batsman Suresh Raina. The strategy pays unexpected dividends, as Bopara dismisses both Raina and Dhoni three overs later. Then, and only then, is Broad invited to bowl: and he duly delivers, to finally dismiss the Indians for 255.

That leaves England needing to score 356 to win, over almost five sessions. Surely too much? Perhaps not: due to Cook having a stomach bug, Ian Bell is promoted to open the batting with Alistair Cook. He launches an assault - for no other word is fit to explain it - on the Indian bowling. Sreesanth opens the bowling, but is overexcited, and by simply playing good shots against poor bowling, Bell is able to take 18 off Sreesanth's first over, and a further 16 in his second. Remarkably, by the fifth over, the England score reaches fifty, with Strauss having scored only two of the runs. Meeting mid-pitch, Strauss punches Bell's gloves, and sensing that the Indians are on the run, the England captain challenges his talented batsman to reach his century in the ten overs remaining before tea. Bell manages it with three overs to spare, and by the time the England openers tuck into their ham and pickle sandwiches, the score is 135 for 0 (Bell 112*, Strauss 17*). Sitting in the TMS commentary box, Henry Blofeld described Bell's innings as "absolutely splendid".

Alas, all good things must come to and end, and in the first over after, Bell surrenders his wicket, playing no stroke to a googly from Mishra. As one, the city of Birmingham stands to applaud Bell's innings. The remainder of the day passes unremarkably, however, as the now-recovered Cook and his captain continue to chip away at the Indian bowling. By the close of play, England are on 217-1, and it is understandable that MS Dhoni should be frowning as he walks back to the visitor's dressing room.

The final day is dominated by the pitch. It is now crumbling, and takes the spin offered by Mishra and Raina. When Strauss, looking a touch weary, chips Mishra to mid-wicket, a clutch of wickets fall as the incoming batsmen struggle to meet the difficult conditions. Mishra grows in confidence, and by lunch, it must be said that England look quite troubled at 279-5, with Bopara and Prior at the crease. There is great concern in the TMS commentary box that Bopara will buckle under the pressure. But no: he goes to another place in the afternoon, and try as Prior might to converse with the Essex batsman between overs, all Bopara is capable of saying is "I am going to bat splendidly today". So it proves. Finally, he concludes the day's play by clouting Mishra for a commanding six over mid-wicket, as England win an excellent match by five wickets.

Trent Bridge

Zaheer hasn't fully recovered for the start of the second test match, and the excitable Sreesanth - resplendent with his pink hair, by Tony and Guy - is given the new ball with Praveen Kumar. Otherwise both teams are unchanged

According to the children's rhyme, Friday's child is loving and giving, and that could be a fair description of Sreesanth's bowling. Trent Bridge has a reputation for supporting swing bowling, and seeking to maximise that advantage Messrs Kumar and Sreesanth bowl very full to the England batsmen, who tuck in with a series of drives and clips off the pads. Within 10 overs, England have 50 runs on the board. Ishant Sharma is summoned, and he promptly gets Andrew Strauss to edge behind. Nevertheless, Jonathan Trott bats steadily until lunch; and then until tea; and then until the close. It's 350-5 (Trott 135*) at close of play. The ball does not swing all day.

Criclet has a funny way of playing tricks on cricketers, and on the second day it is all change - the ball swings. Although Praveen Kumar is pulled out of the attack by Billy Bowden for running down the pitch in his follow through, Sharma and Sreesanth run through the England lower order, so that they are bowled out for 415. Sitting in the TMS commentary box, Henry Blofeld remarks that the match is delictately poised on a placid batting pitch.

It remains so, as over the next couple of days, as India and England respectively score 359 (Mukund 133, Broad 5-75) and 249 (Broad 75, Harbhajan 6-28) respectively, in a pair of unremarkable innings. India have got to score 306 to win.

But perhaps that balance was always destined to skew, when the shiny cricket ball was given to James Anderson. In his very first over, he traps Abhinav Mukund leg before wicket. Rahul Dravid is able to see out the over, but in Anderson's next over, Gautam Ghambir is dismissed in the same manner, such that Sachin Tendulkar is brought to the crease to rapturous applause. He gets off the mark with a boundary off his first ball through the covers; a prologue for the splendid innings which is to follow. However, the Indian innings is what Bob Willis calls a staccato affair, as one by one the sub-contitenters fall to the hair-gelled duo of Anderson and Stuart Broad.

All except Sachin Tendulkar - he quickly reaches fifty, and powers through the sixties and seventies. That hundredth hundred looks inevitable; but then something happens. A lapse in concentration? Perhaps. Graeme Swann is bowling round the stumps, and lands one on the line of middle stump. The ball turns and bounces, striking the little master on the flap of his front pad, still in front of middle; the England fielders appeal with a raucous alacrity, turning to Umpire Bowden for a response. He ponders a moment; no trouble about the line, but what about height? The ball the flap of Tendulkar's pad, but then, Billy thinks, Tendulkar is short. With that slightly embaressed look, he raises his crooked finger to send Tendulkar on his way. The Indian team, the Indian supporters and perhaps all of the Indian viewers are horrified to note Hawkeye's projection that the ball would have bounced over the stump. The decision would clearly have been reversed, had the full DRS been in operation. Bowden's unfortunate mis-decision marks the beginning of the end for the Indian effort, and the innings subsides to 188 all out.

Within an hour, Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh issues the following statement to the waiting press:

"I believe in England they have a saying for this situation: we have been hoist by our own petard. We have lost this cricket match because the full DRS was not in operation, at our request. Sachin Tendulkar, the jewel of Indian batting, has been robbed of his rightful crown.

We were duped by the duplicitous schemes of the ECB, who persuaded us to argue that Hawkeye technology should not be part of the DRS decision making process. We have immediately petitioned the ICC to make the full use of Hawkeye compulsory for the remainder of the series. In the meantime, we have suspended coach Duncan Fletcher for failing to point out to us this clear and present danger to Indian cricket."