Next Week's Scoreboard

- Untitled -

2012-02-02T14:02:00.000-08:00

"There's a breathless hush in the Close to-night"

Funny poem, thinks Kevin. Still, he likes the idea of having something to chant whilst batting. Ever since joining Ian Bell's poetry classes, it's been something to take his mind off left arm spin.

"Ten to make and the match to win"

I've got it ten times worse, though, he ponders. England have fought back well, and could ordinarily have been expected to get the 153 needed to win, but after last time...anyway, with only 22 on the board and 2 down, England were in trouble when he got to the crease. England needed Pietersen to play a good innings. He has seen off Ajmal and Hafeez, and whilst Bell has failed at the other end, Ravi Bopara is playing well. 53 for 3, 100 to win.

"A bumping pitch and a blinding light"

But here is trouble. Change of overs, and Rehman's got the ball. Smiling. Tossing the ball in his hand. The Pakistani fielders pointing at Pietersen, sniggering.

"An hour to play, and the last man in."

Monty wouldn't need an hour to finish this match, says Kevin to himself. Natural batsman. Anyway, here he is Rehman, trotting in. Up to crease. Eye on ball, Kevin, eye on ball.

"And it's not for the sake of a ribboned coat"

Sounds nice. Ribboned coat. Shop in Kings Road. Splendid. Must keep eye on ball, he thinks.

"Or the selfish hope of a season's fame"

Sounds nice. Must keep eye on ball. Keep eye on ball. He thinks.

"But his captain's hand on his shoulder smote:"

Ball through air. Captain says we must rock against spin. Nonsense. Follow Lamb's advice and play natural game.

"Play up! Play up! And play the game!"

Advances, meets pitch of ball, strikes, six. Rehman aghast. Kevin is splendid. Best Englishman in Arabia since TE Lawrence. He thinks. Pressure released. England to win.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

2012-01-24T11:26:00.000-08:00

Relaxing beside the team hotel's swimming pool, Andy Flower is telling Andrew Strauss about the time he sabotaged Henry Olonga's guitar, when Strauss is rescued by the ring of Flower's mobile telephone. London number, caller unknown.

"Good afternoon, Mr Flower. I'm sure you know who this is."

"Yes Ma'am, I recognise your voice. What can I do for you?"

"Well as you may know, Prince Philip and I have very much enjoyed following England's performances over the last few years, both at home and abroad, but we were both very disappointed about the performance last week. The batting was poor, but we were also very concerned about the team selection. Now I wanted to enquire of you: you are going to play Monty Panesar in the second test match, please?"

"Actually, Ma'am, we believe the current balance of the side works well for us..."

"...shut up, Interflora, and listen. England needs two spinners, and if you don't agree I've got 120 Coldstream Guards outside my window who'll say you're wrong. Now let me ask you one more time: are you going to play Monty Panesar?"

"Why, of course I am, Ma'am."

-----

"Time to bat now, Monty," enthuses Andrew Strauss, patting the Sussex and former Northamptonshire twirler on the back, as Matt Prior starts putting on his wicket-keeping gear. England are on 180-9, and it's been another bad day against Saeed Ajmal.

Panesar gets to the wicket, greeted by Graeme Swann, who is on 55 not out and is playing well.

"He's bowling well," explains the Nottinghamshire and former Northamptonshire spinner, "you have to watch for the doosra and teesra."

"I'm sure you're right."

Panesar settles himself, and prepares to face Ajmal. The little Pakistani bowler trundles in, pauses and coils up, before springing the ball out of his little fingers. The ball pitches on the off-stump, ready to turn away from Panesar's bat. But oh no, what is this? The doosra, turning into Panesar's pads for a certain lbw; only to be swatted away into the leg-side by the smiling Panesar.

"I think you'll need to work on disguising it," remarks Panesar to Ajmal as he turns for the second.

-----

Spirits are high in the England camp, after Swann's 132 and Panesar's 78*, but Younus Khan is good batsman, and the England bowlers have not been able to get past him. Sitting pretty with a score of 56*, the Pakistan batsman is heading towards a big century - and Strauss knows it. Again and again he rotates his bowlers, in the spirit of Captain Kirk trying to regain control of the USS Enterprise by furiously pressing random buttons. Finally, he tosses the ball to Panesar, who drops it.

But the hopes of all England are dashed, as Younus shuffles down the pitch, and drives Panesar over mid-off for a towering six.

"Not so splendid now, are you?" sneers Younus to Panesar.

"It will be the next ball. Have you not read NWS?" asks Panesar.

Panesar shuffles in, before ripping the ball out of his fingers, pitching it on the line on Younus' off-stump. Deceived by the buzz as the ball passes through the air, Younus plays for prodigious spin, but it is not there; rather, the ball darts into his stumps. The ball licks the inside edge, popping up to bat-padman Ian Bell. Bell takes a smart catch, but Younus has to be sent on his way by Umpire Billy Bowden, before he reluctantly accepts his fate.

-----

As he picks up his man-of-the-match award, the keys to a small office block, Monty Panesar speaks to the Sky TV's Michael Atherton.

"Well Monty, you certainly showed that you were splendid today. In your time out of the England team, did you ever doubt you had it in you to come back?" asks the television pundit.

"I always knew I was splendid, but I particularly want to thank the England management for showing faith in me," responds Panesar.

Back in London, a little octogenarian lady smiles into her tea.

NWS - A protest

2012-01-16T15:01:00.000-08:00

It will not escape the notice of NWS' avid readership that no cricket forecast has been prepared for the first test match.

It must be understood that this is not the action of a lazy man who has been tidying up after having the builders in. No, this is a protest against the shameful antics of Saeed Ajmal, at the end of the morning of the third and final day of this match. Yes him, with his foolish protests against the umpire's decision to uphold Monty Panesar's appeal for leg before wicket, as the former Steelback takes the seventeenth of his nineteen wickets in England's victory by 343 runs.

Thomas and the Big Cricket Match

2011-08-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

"Wake up, Thomas!" said the Fat Controller, "You've got a very important job to do today. You've got to take some very good cricketers from their team hotel to a cricket pitch at Vauxhall. They're playing a very important cricket match at the Oval."

After Thomas' fireman had stoked up his boiler, Thomas made his way to the railway station near the team hotel. Annie and Clarabel were very excited: "Tendulkar's last chance, Tendulkar's last chance," they chortled.

When they got to the station, they picked up the England team, the coaches and the backroom support staff. Annie and Clarabel were very full. Then they all set off for Vauxhall. They were delayed for twenty minutes due to a signal failure at Surbiton, but Thomas arrived at Vauxhall just in time.

"Good luck!" tooted Thomas, as he headed back to the yard at Clapham Junction for a rest.

Later that day, Thomas headed back to Vauxhall to pick up the players after the first day's play. The England players were very excited, because they had declared on 514-3 at the end of the first day. Thomas didn't know much about cricket but his driver said that was very good.

The next morning, Thomas was surprised to be told that he had to go back to Vauxhall, but the Fat Controller explained that it was such an important cricket match that it took five days.

Thomas was very proud to be associated with such an important cricket match, and he boasted Percy about it: "I've been entrusted with a cricket match. You only had to take Manchester United to a football match. Football only takes 90 minutes and the players behave like animals."

Percy just blushed, because he knew Thomas was right.

But in the middle of the afternoon, the Fat Controller returned to the yard to say that Thomas had to rush to Vauxhall: the cricket match had ended earlier than expected. Thomas was very upset: his driver explained that India had been bowled out for 42 after following on. Thomas didn't know what "following on" meant, but he carried on to Vauxhall anyway.

When he got there, the England players were waiting for him on the platform. They looked like they were trying to be happy, but were actually sad. Thomas asked Andrew Strauss what the matter was. Strauss explained to Thomas that he was worried that test match cricket was losing its validity because India hadn't tried hard enough. He was also sad because Sachin Tendulkar had announced his retirement, without having scored his hundredth hundred in international cricket.

When Thomas thought about the passing of someone great, he became very sad too. But he knew he had a very important job to do. He set off from Vauxhall to his destination. At every station, people stood and cheered the England team. Soon, Thomas was feeling better again. Finally, he reached the England team's station and dropped them off. They all thanked Thomas, and said goodbye.

Finally, Thomas head back to his shed at Clapham, and soon fell asleep. It had been a very busy two days.

Cricket, not television theft

2011-08-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

Cricket grounds do have spirits, and it is a sombre spirit which hangs over Edgbaston on Wednesday morning, as MS Dhoni and Andrew Strauss toss up. The Indian wins the toss, and having regard to the outcome of the previous two test matches, it's hardly surprising that he decides to bat.

Virender Sehwag, who has taken the place of Yuvraj Singh despite a failure at Northampton, gets off to an excellent start. Jocular but wrong Northamptonshire supporters suggest that Stuart Broad and James Anderson are not as good as Luke Evans and Dave Burton, but it almost appears they have a point as Sehwag reaches his fifty, twenty minutes before lunch, and reaches his hundred, twenty minutes after lunch. What a relief it must be for the English bowlers, when in the mid-afternoon play is suspended for ten minutes, due to sunlight shining off Shane Warne's forehead into the batsmen's eyes, and again moments after the resumption, when Graeme Swann removes the little Indian with a ball that turns through the gate to disturb the off-stump. That relief turns to joy, and that joy turns to rapture, as Swann accelerates through the Indian innings. By close of play, India are on 315-8 (Sehwag 123, Swann 6-65). Michael Atherton, writing his leader for The Times, comments how evenly the match seems to be poised: can the Indians, asks Atherton, summon enough runs to set Amit Mishra a reasonable target to bowl at in the final innings?

Some brutalist bowling from Stuart Broad sees him dismiss the final two Indian batsmen first thing on Thursday morning; but when the England innings starts at 11:30, the morning dew has lifted and Edgbaston has become an excellent batting pitch. Sreesanth and RP Singh bowl well, but the placid pitch complements the undoubted skills of Strauss and fellow opener Alistair Cook. It hardly seems fair on the Indians as the England score rattles along, like a tank engine chortling through a rural greensward.

It might, at this point, be expected that the pattern of the previous tests should be followed, that England should score a colossal score against a poor and unfit bowling attack. But in the mid-afternoon, MS Dhoni brings on little spinner Amit Mishra, and he is quickly able to penetrate the England batting unit: it's wickets galore, as nervous England batsman after nervous England batsman is deceived by Mishra, in scenes reminiscent of many England "performances" in the early to mid-nineties. There is some spirited resistance from Stuart Broad and Matthew Prior, but even they are only able to drag the score to 225 all out: precisely 100 behind.

The remainder of the match is a pitch battle between two excellent teams. During the second Indian innings, the batting is brave, as Rahul Dravid crafts out one of his slower innings, but there is little scope for a release, with the England bowling never less than excellent. Finally, Dravid plays no stroke and is out lbw to one of Ravi Bopara's little dobbers, and that proves to be the key needed to unlock the door to the Indian innings. In order to make sure Broad is fully steamed up for the Indian tail, Andrew Strauss cleverly keeps the tall fast bowler out of the attack for a few overs, preferring instead to let Bopara continue at new batsman Suresh Raina. The strategy pays unexpected dividends, as Bopara dismisses both Raina and Dhoni three overs later. Then, and only then, is Broad invited to bowl: and he duly delivers, to finally dismiss the Indians for 255.

That leaves England needing to score 356 to win, over almost five sessions. Surely too much? Perhaps not: due to Cook having a stomach bug, Ian Bell is promoted to open the batting with Alistair Cook. He launches an assault - for no other word is fit to explain it - on the Indian bowling. Sreesanth opens the bowling, but is overexcited, and by simply playing good shots against poor bowling, Bell is able to take 18 off Sreesanth's first over, and a further 16 in his second. Remarkably, by the fifth over, the England score reaches fifty, with Strauss having scored only two of the runs. Meeting mid-pitch, Strauss punches Bell's gloves, and sensing that the Indians are on the run, the England captain challenges his talented batsman to reach his century in the ten overs remaining before tea. Bell manages it with three overs to spare, and by the time the England openers tuck into their ham and pickle sandwiches, the score is 135 for 0 (Bell 112*, Strauss 17*). Sitting in the TMS commentary box, Henry Blofeld described Bell's innings as "absolutely splendid".

Alas, all good things must come to and end, and in the first over after, Bell surrenders his wicket, playing no stroke to a googly from Mishra. As one, the city of Birmingham stands to applaud Bell's innings. The remainder of the day passes unremarkably, however, as the now-recovered Cook and his captain continue to chip away at the Indian bowling. By the close of play, England are on 217-1, and it is understandable that MS Dhoni should be frowning as he walks back to the visitor's dressing room.

The final day is dominated by the pitch. It is now crumbling, and takes the spin offered by Mishra and Raina. When Strauss, looking a touch weary, chips Mishra to mid-wicket, a clutch of wickets fall as the incoming batsmen struggle to meet the difficult conditions. Mishra grows in confidence, and by lunch, it must be said that England look quite troubled at 279-5, with Bopara and Prior at the crease. There is great concern in the TMS commentary box that Bopara will buckle under the pressure. But no: he goes to another place in the afternoon, and try as Prior might to converse with the Essex batsman between overs, all Bopara is capable of saying is "I am going to bat splendidly today". So it proves. Finally, he concludes the day's play by clouting Mishra for a commanding six over mid-wicket, as England win an excellent match by five wickets.

Trent Bridge

2011-07-27T12:34:00.000-07:00

Zaheer hasn't fully recovered for the start of the second test match, and the excitable Sreesanth - resplendent with his pink hair, by Tony and Guy - is given the new ball with Praveen Kumar. Otherwise both teams are unchanged

According to the children's rhyme, Friday's child is loving and giving, and that could be a fair description of Sreesanth's bowling. Trent Bridge has a reputation for supporting swing bowling, and seeking to maximise that advantage Messrs Kumar and Sreesanth bowl very full to the England batsmen, who tuck in with a series of drives and clips off the pads. Within 10 overs, England have 50 runs on the board. Ishant Sharma is summoned, and he promptly gets Andrew Strauss to edge behind. Nevertheless, Jonathan Trott bats steadily until lunch; and then until tea; and then until the close. It's 350-5 (Trott 135*) at close of play. The ball does not swing all day.

Criclet has a funny way of playing tricks on cricketers, and on the second day it is all change - the ball swings. Although Praveen Kumar is pulled out of the attack by Billy Bowden for running down the pitch in his follow through, Sharma and Sreesanth run through the England lower order, so that they are bowled out for 415. Sitting in the TMS commentary box, Henry Blofeld remarks that the match is delictately poised on a placid batting pitch.

It remains so, as over the next couple of days, as India and England respectively score 359 (Mukund 133, Broad 5-75) and 249 (Broad 75, Harbhajan 6-28) respectively, in a pair of unremarkable innings. India have got to score 306 to win.

But perhaps that balance was always destined to skew, when the shiny cricket ball was given to James Anderson. In his very first over, he traps Abhinav Mukund leg before wicket. Rahul Dravid is able to see out the over, but in Anderson's next over, Gautam Ghambir is dismissed in the same manner, such that Sachin Tendulkar is brought to the crease to rapturous applause. He gets off the mark with a boundary off his first ball through the covers; a prologue for the splendid innings which is to follow. However, the Indian innings is what Bob Willis calls a staccato affair, as one by one the sub-contitenters fall to the hair-gelled duo of Anderson and Stuart Broad.

All except Sachin Tendulkar - he quickly reaches fifty, and powers through the sixties and seventies. That hundredth hundred looks inevitable; but then something happens. A lapse in concentration? Perhaps. Graeme Swann is bowling round the stumps, and lands one on the line of middle stump. The ball turns and bounces, striking the little master on the flap of his front pad, still in front of middle; the England fielders appeal with a raucous alacrity, turning to Umpire Bowden for a response. He ponders a moment; no trouble about the line, but what about height? The ball the flap of Tendulkar's pad, but then, Billy thinks, Tendulkar is short. With that slightly embaressed look, he raises his crooked finger to send Tendulkar on his way. The Indian team, the Indian supporters and perhaps all of the Indian viewers are horrified to note Hawkeye's projection that the ball would have bounced over the stump. The decision would clearly have been reversed, had the full DRS been in operation. Bowden's unfortunate mis-decision marks the beginning of the end for the Indian effort, and the innings subsides to 188 all out.

Within an hour, Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh issues the following statement to the waiting press:

"I believe in England they have a saying for this situation: we have been hoist by our own petard. We have lost this cricket match because the full DRS was not in operation, at our request. Sachin Tendulkar, the jewel of Indian batting, has been robbed of his rightful crown.

We were duped by the duplicitous schemes of the ECB, who persuaded us to argue that Hawkeye technology should not be part of the DRS decision making process. We have immediately petitioned the ICC to make the full use of Hawkeye compulsory for the remainder of the series. In the meantime, we have suspended coach Duncan Fletcher for failing to point out to us this clear and present danger to Indian cricket."

Flair's flares

2011-07-20T06:08:00.000-07:00

Sachin Tendulkar pumps his fist in celebration as he comes back for a second run, to move to the landmark century. And as he arrives back at his crease, his eyes meet the beginning of a remarkable series of fireworks, paid for by the Indian Institute of Splendid Batsmen (IISB). One after another, bolts of fire are launched over the heads of the slightly puzzled members, sitting before the famous Lord's pavilion. Finally, a crescendo - the fireworks meet in the sky to read a message for the little maestro: "WELL DONE SACHIN - SPLENDID EFFORT OVER THE YEARS".

Such is Sachin's excitement, however, that he is deceived by the following ball from the excellent Stuart Broad, which creeps through the little chap's defenses to chip his off stump. As if disappointed by Tendulkar's dismissal, the umpires call close of play ten minutes early, because of fading light, but even in that North London gloom, Stuart Broad's smile is as white as a polar bear as he contemplates his five wicket haul, together with the corresponding inscription of his name on the Lord's honours board. At close of play on day one, the match is well poised with India on 312-9 (Tendulkar 100, Ghambir 112, Broad 5-63).

The tension is high on the morning of day two. Lord's is abuzz with the news that overnight, Christopher Martin-Jenkins was summarily dismissed by Test Match Special producers, following revelations in The Guardian that he once wrote a column for The Times, which is a Murdoch newspaper. With just thirty minutes to go, he is reinstated following a special appeal by Jonathan Agnew on his Twitter account. With the TMS commentary line-up is sorted out, conversation in the media centre turns to the state of the match. Can Andrew Strauss withstand Zaheer Khan's penetrative left-arm swing? The question becomes academic, though, as before play begins Zaheer twists his ankle playing Australian rules football on the outfield in the team warm-up. He is out for the series, and with the left-armer unable to bat, the Indian innings is closed at 312 all out.

Without Zaheer, there is relatively little for the English batsmen to worry about, and sadly, the cricket on day two is fairly unremarkable. Before the day is out, Alistair Cook has reached his nineteenth test match century, Jonathan Trott has ground his way to his seventh and England close on 362 for 2. The boredom is only broken when Kevin Pietersen tries to hit Harbhajan Singh into the nursery ground, but only succeeds in cracking one of the panes of glass in the media centre. The author of this column finds this remarkable, as he is given to understand that the panes have been designed to withstand blows from cricket balls travelling at over than 60 mph.

In a positive step, England choose to press on through the third day. Commentating on Sky TV's coverage, Nasser Hussain explains the England camp's thinking: "The likes of your Dravids, your Sehwags and your Tendulkars, they won't want to be batting against Graeme Swann on a turning pitch with India 300 runs behind." That theory is finally put to the test when England declare on 606 for 6 (Cook 125*, Trott 125, Pietersen 123, Harbahjan 5-182). However, India bat well to close on 110-1, before play is brought to a premature close by a thunderstorm travelling up from the South West.

The fourth day is also somewhat dull; but in a good way, because England are predictably good. Under clouds as dark as a Hallowe'en night, James Anderson makes early breakthroughs, leaving Tendulkar exposed to the middle order; but just as he starts to break free against Anderson and Swann, Stuart Broad comes on to bowl a tight spell. Thus Tendulkar is resstricted to a couple of singles an over. Finally, the diminutive middle-order batsman is dismissed for the second time in the match by Stuart Broad; and somehow, it feels as if England have control of Tendulkar. The spell has been broken, Tendulkar's time is nearly done and it is time for world cricket to go in a new direction. It's difficult to be sure, but three hours later the Lord's crowd is given the slightest hint of that new direction, as Stuart Broad bowls out Harbhajan, to take his tenth wicket in the match, and to win the match for England with a day to spare.

Stadium of the Damned

2011-06-14T13:20:00.000-07:00

Many congratulations indeed, to the owners of the Rose Bowl on the successful stage of their first test match, a triumph for cricket eventing, as they eek out every penny from the innocent fans.

After Andrew Strauss wins the toss and elects to bat, England's bright start is a metaphor for the birth of a brand new test match venue. The steely modern age amphitheatre is abuzz, with Southampton's excellent cricket supporters enjoying the privilege of the highest standard of cricket. They watch Strauss and opening partner Alistair Cook dominate the enthusiastic Sri Lankan bowling, which becomes increasingly ragged as time passes; the score is 130-0 at lunch.

The afternoon bears on, and whilst England lose Cook shortly after he has reached his 19th test match hundred, it becomes increasingly clear that the Sri Lankan bowlers are inapt for the task, regularly gifting the three-lioned Englishmen eight runs an over.

As Mike Atherton reflects on Strauss' 212* after play, he catches sight of a mother, wheeling a baby past the window of the Sky commentary box in a pram. With a shock of blonde hair; and a slightly chubby face, the infant looks Atherton in the eye and smiles, to reveal a set of pearly white teeth, sinister as they reflect the evening sun so unnaturally. The sight shakes Atherton; he has seen that face before - but where?

Day two goes well for England. Kevin Pietersen banishes some mind-devils, with his swashbuckling 204*, before Andrew Strauss declares just after lunch, with the score on 655-5. Explaining his decision, Strauss says "I can't see any point in carrying on. I challenge my bowlers to ensure that the Sri Lankans don't get anywhere near our total, even with two innings."

And it seems they can answer his challenge, as Sri Lanka subside to 156-6 at the close of play. Once again, though, Nasser Hussain notices that Atherton is troubled. Challenged, Atherton explains to his former England colleague that he has seen another baby with that same, familiar, face. He can't quite identify the face, but it spells trouble, a problem in Atherton's past. He returns to his hotel, haunted.

The third day of cricket is frankly disappointing. It is all too predictable, as Sri Lanka fold their first innings at 211 all out. They follow on, and then they fold again; only Farveez Maharoof shows any spirit as the day closes with the score at 211-9.

Mike Atherton shows the Sky viewers a 3D model of the following day's weather, which isn't promising; but his discourse is interrupted, as he sees the face again, this time in a third baby. Blonde hair, chubby face, Dulux teeth. It's almost as if the babies have had their teeth polished.

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

But the sun is shining on day five. The crowd is sparse, but there is a celebrity in town; on the home balcony stands none other than SK Warne. As the Sky cameras zoom in on the wide leg-spinner, it hits Atherton. The babies. The blonde hair. The glittering teeth. As the supporters file out of the Hampshire ground, England having won by an innings and 230 runs, he asks the Sky producers to provide him with footage of the crowds throughout the test. And oh no, for what is this? Hundreds of young mothers, all with young babies, all with pearly teeth, bleached hair and earrings. To his horror, Atherton sees what happens when Shane Warne is in town.

WPUJCV

2011-06-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

Form is temporary, class is permanent, and Chaminda Vaas is a class act.

Following his electric performances for Northamptonshire, slaying the Welsh dragon in Division 2 of the LV County Championship, Vaas gets the phone call which most accomplished commentators assume to be inevitable. At first, Vaas does not wish to go - he would rather play for Northamptonshire, than Sri Lanka - but David Capel puts his arm round his shoulder, and tells that the truly splendid put country before club. And it is Vaas that makes all the difference to a beleaguered Sri Lanka.

First come the wickets; the 37 year old isn't too quick any more, but he is still good enough to get 6-23 in England's 199 all out under the leaden Lords sky. His bowling done, he sits down with a nice mug of green tea in the dressing room, only to be confronted by captain Tillikatne Dilshan. He is asked to pad up and open the batting. Two hours later, the little left-hander takes off his helmet, saluting the Lords crowd who rise to applaud his second test century. Sri Lanka are eventually dismissed for 299. It's almost as if they wanted to make the maths easy.

As England go out to bat in the second innings, coach Andy Flower is left to reflect on how much improved the Sri Lankan attack is. From the dross of Cardiff, to Chaminda Vaas and Dilhara Fernando; and Flower smiles as his batsmen struggle, because he knows that England are finally in a Test Match worthy of the name. As it is, Ian Bell and Eoiaeen Morgan both prove that they are splendid, each scoring combative hundreds. Conveniently for the scorers, England are all out for precisely 299, setting Sri Lanka precisely 200 to win with precisely two days to go.

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

On the final day, Sri Lanka bat well, but whilst that is the case, England bowl better. Stuart Broad provides the England attack with his customary aggression, and Chris Tremlett bowls fast, but the real star is lanky paceman Steven Finn. He starts nervously, but then shows the beauty of accomplished swing bowling. Truly, James Anderson's absence is no loss - if that could ever be true - due to the resplendence of Finn's bowling. The Sri Lankan dressing room is puzzled by Finn's sudden improvement. Enquiries are made, and coach Stuart Law is furious to discover that the England bowler's advance was caused by an impromptu coaching session from Vaas on the Lords outfield immediately before play. Confronted by the Australian, Vaas smiles nicely, and explains that he wanted to help a promising young bowler making his way. For a moment - just for the shortest moment - Law understands everything. But it is all too brief, for soon the light in Law's mind flickers, and then it is gone.

Sri Lanka

2011-05-24T12:11:00.000-07:00

"So what are you doing here?" says Eady J, peering down Kevin Pietersen over his half-moon glasses.

"I'm in court today to petition for a hyper-injunction, your honour."

"What? There's no such thing as a hyper-injunction. What are you talking about?"

"Well all my friends have got super-injunctions and I wanted to go one better. If I can't have a hyper-injunction I'll settle for a super-injunction."

"Very well. What have you done wrong that you want to keep secret? Sleeping with a big brother contestant? What is it this time?"

"I haven't done anything wrong. I would never sleep with anyone other than my wife, because I am splendid. Nobody told me you had to do something naughty to get a super-injunction."

"Well I can't give you a super-injunction unless you've got a secret..."

"But I want one."

"Tough."

"Well if you don't give me a super-injunction, I'll get really angry, and I'll refuse to play for England ever again until I get one. Yeah."

Eady J sighs, picks up his copy of Wisden, and looks up Pietersen's average over the last two years.

"Fine. Go back to Surrey and score some runs before you start making demands of the English judiciary."

And so it is that Leicestershire's James Taylor gets an unexpected England debut.

-----

It isn't long before Taylor sees active service, as Alistair Cook edges his first ball from Dilhara Fernando to Tillakaratne Dilshan at first slip. The diminutive East Midlander leaves his first ball, and instinctively plays his second ball off his legs to the square-leg boundary. And that good start shows Taylor a vital truth: he immediately knows that he is good enough to play at this level. He and Captain Andrew Strauss play the ball well, and England are strongly placed on 106-1 at lunch.

The sun beams down on Cardiff Bay after lunch, defying those who questioned the wisdom of a test match in Wales in May. A bead of sweat lies on Ajantha Mendis' forehead, as he is tosses the ball from hand to hand before his first over. Hopping in, he loops the ball up to Taylor. The little Englishman does not know which way the ball will turn; yet he defies Mendis by sweeping the ball away. And just as Taylor knew early doors that this was his day, Mendis immediately knows it will not be his. The English openers gently tease out the runs, and after tea the England batsmen both reach their hundreds. By stumps, England are very well placed indeed with the score at 358-1.

-----

Before play on the second day, Strauss is sitting alongside England coach Andy Flower. They peer quizzically at projections on a computer screen. They are agreed: England need to hold out as long as they can, ideally batting into the third day.

Fernando bowls his heart out for Sri Lanka, extracting pace and bounce from the placid Cardiff pitch. Strauss can't get out of the way of one which reers at his face, and he is caught off his gloves for an excellent 166. But little James Taylor ploughs on. He is on 188 not out by lunch, and it is of great disappointment that he is unable to resume his innings after lunch, suffering as he is from third degree sunburn. And that's how hot it is down in Cardiff. In Taylor's absence, there is a steady decline in England's innings, and when England are eight wickets down, just before tea, Flower dispatches Eoin Morgan to buy some After Sun lotion. That is sufficient to revive Taylor, who can resume his innings when James Anderson edges to slip for a cultured 55. The plucky (but small) Leicestershire man finally reaches his double century in his maiden innings for his country. Soon after, England are all out for 632.

To their credit, Sri Lanka bat out the rest of the day and are on 52-0 at stumps.

-----

"Right, what's going on?" asks Dilshan to Strauss at the start of the third day's play, "Is this some stupid ruse to try to put us off?"

All eleven England fielders are wearing helmets.

"You'll see" replies Strauss. And within ten overs Dilshan does see, and sees clearly. The first sign of trouble is when the sky gradually darkens. The Sri Lankans appeal to the umpires for bad light, but Billy Bowden signals to the groundsmen to turn up the floodlights. A few moments later, a lump of ash lands on a length, then another, then another. Soon, the air is thick with Icelandic ash and smoke. It is too much for Upul Tharanga, who edges Anderson to slip. Dilshan is visibly distressed as a lump of ash hits him on the helmet. But the experienced English bowlers, who have practised bowling in ash-ridden conditions, are able to take best advantage, using the smoggy conditions to obtain pronounced reverse swing. It is not long before Sri Lanka are dismissed for a paltry 111. Strauss asks the Sri Lankans to follow on - but lunch is taken.

As the players tuck in, the ash cloud passes over Cardiff, and with glorious sunshine resumed, the groundstaff are able to sweep the ash off the pitch. When the players emerge, the Sri Lankans bat splendidly, and despite the excellence of Graeme Swann's bowling, England cannot make a break-through. Indeed it is well beyond tea when Tharanga eventually plays on Stuart Broad, and Sri Lanka are on 215-2 (Dilshan 99*, Tharanga 72) at stumps. But surely they can't survive two days?

-----

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

-----

The excitement in Southern Wales on the morning of the final day is enormous. Can the ground, which served England so splendidly in 2009, assist England? Not if Dilshan can help it. He cuts and pulls the England pace bowlers with great savagery in the first hour of play; indeed it is a huge relief when Swann bowls Kumar Sangakkara through the gate in his first over at 12:05. Paul Collingwood, acting as guest substitute fielder, pouches Thilan Samaraweera the very next ball, and it seems an English victory is only a matter of time when Stuart Broad has Angelo Mathews caught at slip the following over. Farveez Maharoof is able to keep Dilshan company until lunchtime; but there is no doubt, at 314-5 with 60 overs remaining, things aren't looking good for the Tigers.

The afternoon session is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

After some enthusiastic work to dry the ground, play is able to begin at 5:03 pm. The air is damp; the sky is black. It can only be a matter of time before the Welsh rain comes down again to defy England's lions. Can they get the five remaining wickets needed to ensure a famous victory? The odds must surely be against them. Stuart Law is on the balcony, smirking at Sri Lanka's good fortune.

But through the gloom comes a shock of blonde hair. England have Stuart Broad. In his first over, he gets the ball to rise off a length. Dilshan hides away from the ball, but it follows him, and catches his glove on the way through to Matthew Prior. A good start; and in the next over, Anderson uproots Maharoof's off-stump. By 5:20 pm two more wickets have fallen, and Sri Lanka are on the brink. Then, from nowhere, a drop of rain falls. Then another. Soon, the rain is persistent. The umpires look at each other, but decide to allow play to continue until the end of Broad's over, to see if the weather improves. But England don't need the end of Broad's over. In a catastrophic mix-up, Mendis is run out the very next ball, and England have won by an innings and 123 runs. Law looks angrier than the thunder unfolding around the ground.

New beginnings

2010-12-31T03:29:00.000-08:00

There is no doubt about it: Andrew Strauss' decision to take the match off, to balance out the withdrawal of Ricky Ponting, is a champion's gesture - but it now looks unwise, as Eoin Morgan comes to the crease with the score at 103-4.

He is little. As he walks past Mitchell Johnson towards the crease, the Australian thinks the Irishman is there to be pushed over by a barage of bouncers. For his part, Morgan is calm; there are 45,000 Australians pushing for either him, or his partner Ian Bell, to fail, but that doesn't really matter to him.

He knows Ben Hilfenhaus will try to exploit his perceived weakness outside off-stump. The Australian approaches the crease, his goatee beard glistening with Tasmanian sweat. He pushes the ball down the pitch, seam first; a fraction outside off-stump. Hilfenhaus has just started getting reverse swing and the ball might swing in; what should the diminutive Irishman do. He could defend - perhaps risking edging the ball to slip? Or defend - and risk losing his off-peg?

But before proceeding further, Morgan represents the truism that Hilfenhaus is a poor man's Paul Collingwood. He shuffles down the pitch, turning the ball into a half-volley, and clouts the ball over cover point to the boundary. He's away.

-----

After receiving a nod from Ponting, who has been guiding the Australian fielding display from the boundary, Michael Clarke throws the ball to Michael Beer. Not before time: against Australia's five fast bowlers, Bell and Morgan have got away and England are on 225 for 3.

Beer skips in. As his arm comes over, Bell wonders whether he should show the Australian some respect. But, the temptation proves too great to resist, and clouts Beer's first ball in test cricket straight into the Victor Trumper stand.

The ball eventually comes back to Beer. Xavier Doherty had warned him about the England batsmen. He knew it would not be easy. He skips in again, and tosses the ball slightly higher into the Sydney air. The ball lands, and spins off a puff of dust on a good length. This time, Bell is caught amidships. Neither forward, nor backwards, neither here, nor there. But this time, the ball is too good, and passes the outside edge of Bell's bat. No harm done to the England innings, but Beer has won a moral victory and proved himself a test match bowler to be reckoned with. Not Derek Underwood. Not Monty Panesar. But at least not Xavier Doherty either.

-----

Usman Khawaja asks Aleem Dar for his guard. England are on top: Phil Hughes has just been caught at fly-slip, in the first over of the Australia's reply to England's 412 all out.

"Come on boys," urges Paul Collingwood, acting as honorary captain on his final test match appearance, "he's probably better than Usman Afzaal, so let's give him the best we've got."

James Anderson's feet seem to bounce off the SCG's turf as he runs up to bowl. Then the leap; then the ball comes down. The ball is on a length, threatening the timbers and the outside edge. But in an instant Khawaja shows that he will be the one who balances the force, to guide Australia into the third golden age of Test Match Cricket. The left-handed rookie eases forward, and laconically shows the ball its path through the covers to the boundary. Back in the Sky Sports studio, the Nasser Hussain and Ian Botham chatter about the young man's bravado, but David Gower quietly smiles; it takes one to know one.

-----

In the end, Australia subside around Khawaja and are forced to follow on. They fare little better second time round, and in a result which has started to lose meaning by the time it is achieved, England defeat Australia by an innings and 43 runs. The ground is empty, but for a few thousand England supporters, as Andrew Strauss holds aloft the ceremonial replica of the urn.

At exactly that moment, an eighteen month old boy in South West London can't get to sleep. In his parents' living room, he finds his miniature cricket ball. Slightly intrigued, he picks up the ball, gripping the ball across the seam, in his index finger, second finger and thumb. He throws the ball away, but as he releases the ball England's greatest ever spin bowler rotates his wrist - just ever so slightly. He giggles, as he sees the ball bounce strangely off the carpet.

The Sound of Silence (2)

2010-12-22T14:00:00.000-08:00

With Mark Nicholas' microphone thrust under his nose, Ricky Ponting explains that Mitchell Johnson is not playing, because this is match number four in the series, and four is an even number.

And so it is that having won the toss and decided to bat, Andrew Strauss and his opening partner Alistair Cook do not have to face the speedy left-armer on the first morning at the MCG. But even without Johnson, Australia's opening attack is fast, aggressive and splendid. It is something of a surprise, and certainly to the Englishmen's credit, that they are able to get to lunch without losing a wicket. Particularly impressive, given that they didn't know that the MCG authorities had introduced the new "Insult-a-Pom" facility, whereby Australian fans are allowed to express their opinions about the England batsmen over the MCG tannoy between overs, in return for a charitable donation of Aus$1,000 per swearword. By lunchtime, Insult-a-Pom has raised Aus$116,000, and Andrew Strauss (unbeaten on 56*) has been called a "Pommie C**t" 43 times.

After a cluster of wickets between lunchtime and tea looks to destabilise England, Ian Bell joins Paul Collingwood at the crease with the score on 196 for 4. It's a crucial time for England, and it is to the great fortune of England that Bell does not edge any of the balls he initially receives from the impressive Ryan Harris. It's attritional out there, as the horribly out-of-touch Collingwood plays edgily to the Australian medium-pacers. But by the close, he's still there, and when play ends prematurely due to bad light, England have recovered to 256-4. Bell is on 74* and has been called a "ginger c**t" 38 times; Collingwood is on 54* and has been called a "ginger c**t" 45 times.

Everyone is putting a brave face on it, but it is clear that the England team is shaken by the torrent of abuse they have received all day. But Andy Flower has a trick up his sleeve. He introduces Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy as England's new specialist sledging coach, and when on the second morning Bell starts reciting passages from Romeo and Juliet in response to Siddle calling him a "ginger c**t", Ponting pleads with him to stop. Eventually, an agreement is brokered between Ponting and Strauss: the match will be played in complete silence. Sledging has stopped.

It is a wonderful relief, but one which pays dividends for the Australians as they concentrate on bowling, rather than using unpleasant language. Bell is quickly dismissed, and England subside. Thank goodness for Collingwood's swashbuckling hitting at the end with the tail-enders. He's last out for 116 as England finally reach 372 all out.

Australia respond pretty well. Steven Finn's replacement, Tim Bresnan, bowls steadily, but is unable to oust Ponting, who refinds his form to reach a hundred. At the other end, it takes some excellent bowling from Chris Tremlett to remove Philip Hughes, then Shane Watson, then Michael Clarke. With Graeme Swann snaring the dangerous Michael Hussey, then the somewhat less dangerous Steve Smith, the match is evenly poised with the score on 249 for 6 at the close of play. Ritchie Benaud remarks on the improvement in the quality of the cricket, as the players are able to focus on their own games.

The third day is also closely, and more importantly politely, contested; in the first over James Anderson uproots Brad Haddin's off-stump, and having made that breakthrough England are able to rub away much of the Australian tail, as they subside to 272 for 9. But Siddle and Beer enjoy an annoying last wicket 50 run partnership, and the Australians are able to reach 333 all out, just ten minutes before lunch. So England hold a 39 runs lead; not a match winning advantage, but a "nice to have".

The pitch is at its very best on the afternoon of day three. England capitalise. The Australians bowl excellently, with a consistent line and length, but by trusting in the pitch the England openers are able to manoeuvre the ball into the gaps. Both are dismissed by Siddle, who has discovered that when he thinks about his cricket he actually isn't that bad, but Jonathan Trott proves the perfect counterfoil to Kevin Pietersen's imaginative, yet respectful, strokeplay. When Pietersen reaches his hundred, Ponting can't help but congratulate him. Trott shapes to give him an effeminate hug, more out of habit than inclination, but thinks better of it and just shakes Pietersen firmly by the hand. Anyway, England are now in charge of the game, on 260-2. That is precisely 299 ahead.

The fourth day is, especially unfortunately given the quality of the teams' behaviour, lost to rain.

So when should England declare? Bat the Australians into a draw? No, sir. In a sporting gesture, Strauss declares overnight. 300 to win. 3 sessions. That's 100 per session.

Australia get off to a good start, with Hughes playing well to hit a quick 50 in that swash-buckling style that he has. But Tremlett makes one rise, and Hughes is only able to guide the delivery into Anderson's hands at fly-slip. Two balls later, Ponting is caught by a flying Collingwood at third slip, in what is described by Benaud as "a splendid effort". But England have no further successes before lunch, and Australia are slightly ahead of the game at 112-2.

After lunch, the sun beats down unforgivingly on England. Strauss tosses the ball to Graeme Swann. His first over is a splendid one. He bowls two dot balls to an uncertain Shane Watson, before floating one up over the David Beckham lookalikes eye line. So uncertain, about when the ball will land. So heavy, with his foot movement. And so the ball lands, spitting off the pitch, then ricochets off Watson's gloves into Cook's hands at silly point. Then Clarke is bowled through the gate, the very next ball. The crowd waits for Michael Hussey in hushed silence. But whereas Hussey has saved the downundermen before, he fails this time: the ball bounces out of the rough, clips the outside edge of his bat and flies to Collingwood at slip.

Smith and Haddin follow quickly, and in the twinkling of an eye the Australians have fallen to 150-7. Can they meekly limp to a draw? They can't. Two overs after tea, Beer pushes forward uncertainly to Anderson, and the ball flies to Captain Strauss to slip.

The Ashes are retained, but the series is not yet won.

-----

It is the morning after England have won. Andy Flower is relaxing on the balcony of his hotel room, when his mobile rings.

"This is Bond, James Bond, from MI6 in London. We've received an intelligence report from Special Agent Hurley. You might remember we tasked her with monitoring Shane Warne's movements. Well, Warne has told her he's planning a comeback. You'd better be ready for him at the SCG."

Alice's match

2010-12-12T01:53:00.000-08:00

Ricky Ponting wins the toss, and after the Australian team have introduced themselves to each other, it is young Philip Hughes' turn in the firing line. The England selectors have selected Chris Tremlett as Stuart Broad's replacement, but he has to wait in the queue behind James Anderson and Steven Finn to complete an excellent new ball spell, which accounts for both Hughes and Shane Watson. Ponting and Michael Clarke do well to see the Australians safely to lunch, however, at exactly 100-2.

Tremlett is given the first over after lunch. He is relaxed now. He pushes the ball into the hard pitch, just short of the length. Clarke prods forward; but the ball bounces and deviates off the seam. The ball flies to Graeme Swann at slip.

The following ninety minutes will be remembered as one of the most splendid ninety minutes in English Test cricket. In his following over, Tremlett uproots Ponting's off-stump, as the Australian unwisely leaves an in-swinger; then the tall Hampshire bowler makes the ball dance off a length, to kiss Michael Hussey's gloves on its journey to Swann at slip. Suddenly, Australia are in disarray again. And characteristically, they wilt under a hot grill of high quality England fast bowling. I won't spoil the surprise for you; suffice to say that just before tea, Australia are 143 all out (Tremlett 8-37).

Against that background, one would have thought that Alastair Cook would be entirely at ease as he opens England's response. But that is not so: it is only a few minutes since he had received an awful shock. He had opened his kit-bag, only to find a live Koala Bear - hidden there by Michael Clarke, in a characteristically coarse attempt to disturb the England opener's mental preparations. After five minutes which would not have been out of place in Laurel and Hardy, Paul Collingwood had caught the beast, and the England team had christened the animal Alice. But Cook is a decent man and, oh God! - he had heard Merv Hughes and Mike Gatting discussing whether they could barbecue her. England security supremo Reg Dickinson had assured Cook that he would look after her, but as waits for Mitchell Johnson, he cannot help but be concerned about Alice's well-being.

Johnson is approaching the crease now; but as he enters his delivery stride, Alice's friendly looking face jumps into Cook's mind. Cook pulls away, forcing Johnson to abandon the ball. Cook is in trouble, in turmoil. His head tells him England must comes first, but in his heart he is only thinking about Alice. He is not sure he can continue batting, but then something happens which will change the face of Ashes' cricket forever: the Channel Nine cameras zoom in on Alice, safely perched on England analyst Gemma Broad's lap, cheerfully tucking into a carrot. Cook sees this on the big screen and is immediately reassured. He knows that Alice is safe, and it's no surprise when in the last over before the close of play, he clips Beer through the mid-wicket to reach his third hundred of the series. As he returns to the dressing room to cuddle a delighted Alice, England have long surpassed Australia's score and are on 190-2.

England have a splendid second day of the Test Match. It had become clear the previous day that Beer was an awful bowler, but nevertheless Ponting persists with him againsgt Kevin Pietersen. It is Pietersen's pleasure, as he plays an exhibitionist innings full of flair, pleasure and destruction, eventually getting stumped on 212 trying to break the world record for the biggest six. England end the day on 434 for 6 (Pietersen 212, Cook 111).

They might well have scored more, but the day is, in fact, brought to a premature close by an unexpected tropical storm which strikes Perth. The storm continues: and day three is, unfortunately, lost to rain. It is horrible weather. After lunch, Ponting takes Strauss to one side. The Australian suggests that the match should be abandoned, so that the Barmy Army members waiting patiently in the stands can get into the dry. But Strauss is having none of it. He explains that many England supporters are from the North, where it often rains and it is almost always cold. They are hardy souls. But with the weather worsening, he agrees after that the teams and their supporters should return to their respective hotels. Alice is hugely relieved to return to the Hotel Splendid. She is very frightened by the lightning, particularly when a thunderbolt hits the pavilion and causes Ricky Ponting's name to explode on the electronic scoreboard.

The weather is formidable overnight, and whilst the sunshine has returned by the morning, play is impossible on day four as the groundsmen clear up the mess.

At 10:30 on the morning of the fifth day, Umpire Taufel declares that the pitch is playable. Strauss immediately declares, leaving the Australians trying to bat out the final day to secure a draw. Hughes fails again, but this time Ponting is more successful, playing Tremlett with the talent that has guided him through his immense Test Match career. He and Michael Clarke are able to guide Australia to 104-2. Surely it'll be a draw?

But the match is thrown into turmoil for the Australians once again, just after lunch. Clarke is a superb player of spin, but Swann is able to bowl him through the gate, in a triumph for the former Northamptonshire twirler. Hussey fails again, edging Swann to slip, and suddenly Ponting finds himself batting with Brad Haddin. Haddin is able to keep Ponting company, but just before tea he falls lbw to a ball that keeps low from Tremlett. The scoring is slow, but surely Australia can't lose from 210 for 5 at tea?

The tensionometer edges a little higher, though, as Steve Smith is dismissed after tea - six down now - but Johnson and Ponting are able to bat out a further fifteen overs. They also push ahead the scoring rate. The match is almost up, then, as Anderson and Finn take the second new ball. It does the trick: Johnson simply misses a swinging full-toss from Anderson and is out lbw, and Beer proves he is no better with bat than ball, as he edges the following ball to Anderson to Strauss at slip. When Peter Siddle is bowled by Steven Finn, the Australians know they are in trouble: there are seven overs left, with England just having one wicket to claim. But Ponting is at the other end, hitting out in order to try to make England bat again.

One over to go now. One wicket to get. James Anderson bowling. Australia three runs behind: England will not have time to bat again, so if Ponting can hit a boundary, the match will be drawn. Anderson runs in, and bowls an in-swinger. The ball clips the inside of the bat, and narrowly misses the leg-stump. Finn is charging round the boundary to stop the ball from going for four, but it is too far for him. Surely the ball will go for four, and the match will be drawn?

But what is this? Alice has escaped from the England dressing room, and has run onto the outfield. She is eating her way through one of the many apples which the Australian supporters have thrown at Ian Bell, when the ball strikes her on the backside. The ball stops dead, just inside the boundary rope. Finn hurls the ball back to Matthew Prior, who whips the bails off to run out Ponting, who is celebrating at the other end of the pitch.

The umpires consult, and ask the third umpire to check that Alice's tail was not touching the boundary room when the ball hit her. Eventually, it is concluded that the ball has not gone for four, and England have won by an innings and two runs. Alice runs to her master, Alastair Cook. Her bottom is quite sore, but England's new heroine feels much better for a cuddle.

Decisions, decisions

2010-12-02T12:30:00.001-08:00

Mark Nicholas on Channel 9 asks Ricky Ponting whether he wants to bat or bowl, after winning the toss.

He's is in pensive mood. It has only been two days since he had appeared on Australia's genealogy television show Who do you think you are, mate?, and they had revealed the truth about his great-great-great grandfather. Not Captain Cook, as his mother had always told him, but a criminal shipped out from Tilbury after being convicted of illegal gambling. It had been a blow.

After a quick glance at the pitch, with glades of grass as green as Greendale, he errs on the side of boldness and decides to bat.

-------

Five minutes after lunch, on the second day. Australia batted well, but were dismissed for 363 by an impressive English bowling attack, just before the close of the first day's play. Now, the pitch is drying out and England have batted well. Ian Bell, promoted to open in Alastair Cook's absence, has batted fluently for his 76. Strauss is looking calm at the non-striker's end, and England are well placed on 105-0.

The plan agreed at lunchtime had been to open with the seam bowlers - but Xavier Doherty had bowled well in the nets before start of play, dismissing Ponting himself three times. So on a hunch, no more than that, Ponting pulls off Ryan Harris and throws the ball to Doherty.

Doherty limbers up, pitching the ball into the Adelaide sunshine, with a flick of the fingers to give the ball a burst of electric spin. Bell's eyes narrow a little. A moment grabs him. The temptation grabs him. He moves out of his crease, raising his bat like a knight at Agencourt, ready to chop down a Frenchman. The ball pitches. The ball turns. Bell swings widly at it. Bell misses it. Haddin fumbles the ball, and the stumping chance is gone, like a handful of dust blown away in the Autumn breeze.

Ponting knows he is in trouble, through little or no fault of his own.

-------

It's crisis time for Australia as Ponting comes to the crease for the second time: this time just before tea on the third day, in response to England's enormous 517-1 (Bell 332*, Strauss 140).

He is tired: emotionally and physically the Ashes are already taking their toll on him. Cricket is all he cares about; but this is not going well. Simon Katich has just been caught by Strauss at slip, and from the television footage available to the Australians in their dressing room he already knows that Stuart Broad is bowling with pace, bounce and aggression. Ponting knows he is vulnerable, and knows that if he is dismissed, Australia may collapse.

Broad bounds in, with that long face, so poignant to Australians who suffered at his father's hands in the '86-'87 series. Approaching the wicket now, leaping into that long delivery stride. Ponting pushes forward, but there is a click as the ball catches the shoulder of the bat. Is this the end for Ponting and Australia? Ponting flicks his neck round to see the path of the ball. And he lives to fight another day: the ball passes high over the slips' head, as Broad stomps his feet like an angry donkey.

-------

Monty is thrown the ball by Strauss, but he is dog tired. It's just after tea on the fourth day, now, but with only six wickets down and with rain predicted for the fifth day, a draw now looks a likely outcome. Ponting's superb 186 stood in England's way for most of the day, and now Brad Haddin and Doug Bollinger have blocked out the three lions for over half an hour. Is there anything Monty can do?

He is unsure of what to do; and having dropped that catch off Graeme Swann's bowling to give Ponting a reprieve on 21, he is feeling the pressure. The Australian supporters jeer his every move, and he knows this should be his time. The big opportunity: unexpectedly called up because of Cook's illness just before the start of the test, and now failing to deliver.

But Kevin Pietersen can see the spinner is looking down, and decides to get behind him, in an unusual sense of the phrase. He grabs the spinner's backside in order to gee him up. The crowd laugh as Panesar jumps. But his shock at his teammate's over-familiarity is sufficient to break the vortex: and somehow, somehow, he lets go, forgetting his nightmare, forgetting the "coaching", forgetting the criticism. He decides to let the ball talk for him, and produces the best bowling display of his life.

-------

The match has gone now. England have won by eight wickets. The crowds have gone, and the Australian team are packing their bags.

In a quiet corner of the dressing room, Ponting is drinking a can of Castlemaine XXXX, because that is what Australians do. He's exhausted now, there is no more. He asks himself whether he should accept the suggestion made by The Adelaide Times that he should away the captaincy to Shane Warne.

Decisions, decisions.

(PS. NWS would like to apologise for the late delivery of this prediction. To explain, it is simply because NWS got confused about when this test match was starting. Easy mistake to make.)

Australia is a foreign country; they do things differently there

2010-11-15T11:36:00.000-08:00

"Good God," remarks Alistair Cook to Andrew Strauss as they walk out to bat in the Woolloongabba sunshine. The two batsman look at the Australian team's haircuts, agog. Short at the front. Short at the side. Short on top. Long at the back.

"We're all taking part in 'Muvember'," explains Ricky Ponting, "the idea is that ordinarily sensible Australians grow mullets for charity in the month of November. Would you like to sponsor me?"

"Er, no thanks" replies Strauss.

He takes Cook to one side, and tells him not to be taken in by the Australians' duplicitous attempts to put them off with their Wham! barnets. But the England batsmen react in different ways, and whilst Cook retreats into "the zone", as the Sky commentators puzzlingly describe it, Strauss is visibly upset. It's not long before he snicks a lifting delivery from Doug Bollinger to Michael Clarke at slip.

That brings Jonathan Trott to the crease. He bats steadily until the teams pause briefly to eat lunch, over Neighbours. Inspired by the happy news that Scott and Charlene have got back together, Cook resumes after lunch with gusto, expressing himself against the latest Australian spin sensation, Xavier Doherty. At the other end. Trott bats steadily until tea. Cook is eventually stumped on 113, shortly after tea, but Trott bats steadily after tea to reach his own hundred. At stumps, the tired Australians are forced to applaud Trott and Kevin Pietersen as England close on 357 for 2.

The next day is a bleak one for Australian cricket. Trott bats steadily, but Pietersen demonstrates that Doherty is no better than Steve Smith, Jason Krejza, Nathan Hauritz, Beau Casson, Bryce McGain and Brad Hogg. There are possibly others who I can't remember that he's no better than; that's how bad it's got. Anyway, Pietersen retires on 332, out of respect for Graham Gooch's 333, but England declare at the close of play on 727 for 7.

The third day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

So England have two days to bowl the Australians out twice; can it be done? Ricky Ponting is having none of it. He settles in, playing splendidly against the excellent England quicks. Even Graeme Swann and surprise selection Monty Panesar are unable to disturb him. He bats and bats, but at the other end, wickets fall at regular intervals. Still, at close of play, with the score on 404 for 4 (Ponting 202*), a draw does seem likely.

So it is a relatively sparse crowd which turns up on the final day. By 11:30, Australia have reached 453 without any further loss. Finally, though, Ponting pads up to a straight one from Panesar. He is out lbw, but more significantly, and to the astonishment of the English media, he declares, still 274 runs behind. As Ponting walks off the field, a confused Mark Nicholas asks him why he has declared behind the follow-on total.

"Well mate, the Pommies got 727, and if you take 200 off that the follow-on target must be 427...oh hang on...oh no..." Ponting says, scratching his head. Shane Warne, who is visiting the Australian dressing room, has his head in his hands as Strauss duly enforces the follow-on.

The result is that England have 82 overs to bowl out the Australians again. Stuart Broad makes early inroads, uprooting Simon Katich's leg-stump, and trapping Ponting leg before wicket the following ball. Right spirited cricket lovers, of whatever nationality, can only feel sad for the diminuitive Australian, who cuts a sad figure as he leaves the field. But the Australian supporters don't see it quite that way and chant "You're extraordinarily stupid" as he walks off.

The England bowlers are also unforgiving too, and continue to progress against the somewhat downhearted Australian batsmen during the course of the day. By tea-time, with 42 overs remaining to be bowled, the Australians are in a bad position at 198 for 8.

But the Australian is a tough character, and Mitchell Johnson and Bollinger are fighting a battle for their captain and country. On a dying pitch, Panesar and Swann bowl splendidly, but the Australian southpaws stand their ground. Only with 12 overs to go does Swann finally get Bollinger to glove a frustrated bouncer to Paul Collingwood at slip.

That just leaves the injured Ben Hilfenhaus to bat out the last 12 overs. But oh no - what is this? He has runner - Ricky Ponting, wanting to do the right thing for his country.

What, Richie Benaud asks his viewers, could possibly go wrong?

PS. (Please see Benaud's post-match reaction to Ponting's premature declaration in the box to the right, courtesy of youtube. Interestingly, he made some very similar comments when Trevor Chappell bowled his underarm ball to Bruce McKechnie at the MCG in 1981. How history repeats itself.)

And in the naked light I saw ten thousand people maybe more

2010-08-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

Andrew Strauss, resplendent in a blue blazer, lobs a smart one pound coin into the late summer sky.

"Heads," speculates Salman Butt. The sun bends round a tuft of cloud, and flickers off the sterling as it dances through the London air. Down it comes, and Mike Atherton peers down. He thinks he can sees the queen's portrait and asks Salman what he wants to do. But Salman looks down at the coin slightly quizzically.

"I want to ask my friend Andrew here what he wants to do - you're mistaken, Athers, it's tails" he honestly responds.

Somewhat taken aback, Strauss graciously thanks Salman for his honesty, and says that he will bat. A few moments later, Strauss makes the welcome announcement that England are ditching their fibreglass fabric topic and are reverting to traditional woollen jumpers. This produces a standing ovation from the entiry of the busy Lords crowd.

With steely eyes under a steely coloured sky, the England captain faces up to Mohamed Asif's big swinging fast-dobbers a few moments later. It's difficult to avoid perceiving all that is good about cricket, as Asif bounds in, bowls a splendid in-swinger to the left hander, but is met with a polite forward defensive.

And in that mould, the morning rolls on. Asif and Amir bowl well, but with considerable skill and good old fashioned British pluck, the English openers keep them out. And whilst Amir is finally able to conjure up a slower ball which snares Alistair Cook after lunch, the elegant Jonathan Trott is able to keep Strauss company throughout the afternoon. After Strauss reaches his century, shortly after tea, he splendidly removes his helmet to salute the Lords crowd. Like a Roman gladiator towering over a bloody lion, he stands in the Autumn sun accepting the crowd's adulation, his mighty sword of truth (that's his bat) in one hand and his shield (the helmet) in his other. "Isn't he splendid?", whisper a number of females in the crowd, so quietly that their jealous husbands miss their words.

Trott is bowled by a nicely flighted doosra from Saeed Ajmal. Indeed, so impressed is he by Ajmal's delivery, that Trott graciously shakes Ajmal's hand as he leaves the pitch. But incoming batsman Kevin Pietersen has the mastery of the Pakistani spin bowling, and uses his feet in a virtuoso display in the late evening sun. Thwack! Clump! Boof! By the time he walks past those rickety old park benches in front of the pavilion at the close of play, he has reached his fifty and England look well in control at 366-2.

Friday is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

This is much to the disappointment of the many females who have thronged to the Lords ticket office, in the hope of catching just another glimpse of Captain Strauss and his loyal lieutenant, Pietersen. Disappointed, the females instead congregate at St. John's Wood Recreation Ground, which may even exist, for a public meeting. Unanimously, they resolve to form the "Female England Cricket Supporters Association". What a compelling sport cricket is.

Happily for FECSA's inaugural members, Saturday is a brighter day and play starts on time. There is talk that England may play for a draw, but Captain "Marvel" Strauss is having none of it. He is determined to round off the England summer, such as it has been, with a victory. And in that spirit, he and Pietersen accelerate their strokeplay. Skillful though the Pakistani bowling is, they cannot do anything about the England batting, and it must be a relief to them when Strauss finally declares at 500-2 (Strauss 258*, Pietersen 126*) in order to get the game moving. James Anderson and Stuart Broad bowl an excellent opening spell, but Imran Farhat and Salman are able to keep them out with a combination of good fortune and deft strokeplay. The cricket is a joy to watch. But it becomes nirvanal when Graeme Swann is tossed the ball, and starts to bowl. It is difficult to describe how splendid his bowling is; suffice instead to say that it is no surprise to anyone when the Chairman of the Arts Council announces in the tea break that finger spin is to be recognised as a form of artistic expression. Not before time.

Meanwhile, over at White Hart Lane, the half-time tea break is disturbed by a strange occurrence. After 45 minutes of excess from twenty-two adults behaving like children, one supporter speaks to his friend, above the crowd's defining chants. He asks what his friend can hear. At first, his friend looks puzzled, but after a moment's thought he says:

"The sound of silence"

Without saying a further word, both men collect their coats and leave the ground. Then, other supporters follow them. Soon, the entire crowd has filed out, and marches towards Lords. Desperate for intelligent sport. Hungry for an education. They know it's time to watch some cricket. Not all of them can squeeze into Lords, and some think that £60 is a bit steep, but the disappointed thousands watch in awe as a club match unfolds at the St. John's Wood Recreation Ground. Up and down the country, similar scenes unfold as football grounds empty and cricket grounds fill.

Back at Lords, Swann has unwound the fabric of the Pakistan innings and when they are finally all out for 222, Strauss asks them to follow on. By the close, Anderson has dismissed Farhat and Butt, and Pakistan are sitting precariously on 22-2.

Sunday is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

That leaves the question of whether Pakistan can bat out Monday. They make a gallant effort - but will it be enough? It's hard not to admire their resolve, as the England quick bowlers pound away on an increasingly unreliable pitch. Mohamed Yousuf hits an excellent hundred, and when he is dismissed before tea, England think that victory is within their grasp. But Kamran Akmal holds them up, with an annoying fifty.

In the end, it comes down to the last over of the day. Pakistan are nine down, but they are on 276. There will not be time for England to bat, so if Pakistan can score three runs, the match will be drawn. Swann is bowling, and he floats a ball up to Akmal. He chips the ball through mid-wicket. Akmal and his batting partner Asif scamper one. Akmal turns, and sprints back. Is there time for a third? Substitute fielder Alex Wakely fires the ball in from deep mid-wicket, and the ball clips the stumps as Akmal tries to make his ground. Onfield umpire Tony Hill refers the matter to third umpire.

The players turn to the big screen. Suddenly, the background to the screen flashes red: "OUT". But Kamran Akmal is happy enough: after all, he completed two runs, and was only run out attempting a third, so he thinks the match must have been tied with the scores level. But oh no: what is this? Third umpire Daryll Harper has radio'd out a message to Umpire Hill. Replays have shown that Akmal did not touch his bat in on his first run, and sure enough, Hill taps his right shoulder to signal one short...

...so what is the result?

The Secret Diary of Kevin Pietersen, aged 30 and a quarter

2010-08-16T11:38:00.001-07:00

Monday 16th August

Been ringing round the counties following Andy Flower's announcement that I have to be join a county. He didn't specifically say that Minor Counties was out of the question, but I'd better play it safe. Middlesex seem to be interested, but to be honest, I'd rather go to Northamptonshire. It seems to be the hotbed for young cricketing talent, although they don't have quite as many South Africans as they used to, which could be a disadvantage.

Tuesday 17th August

Build up to the Oval Test Match. I have to stay at the team hotel at Kennington, which seems a bit silly when I live in Chelsea, but Andy says I have to go there to build up the team spirit.

Training at the ground was BRILLIANT. We did nets as usual, and I wasn't batting at all well, but then Andy had a brain wave. He set up Merlyn to bowl as Ashley Giles, so I could practice range hitting. It did me the world of good and now I am hitting it cleanly again. Can't wait to get going in the Test.

Wednesday 18th August - The Third Test Match, Day One

I'm in big trouble with Andy and Andy. I woke up and forgot the match was starting today - and, in fairness, who has ever heard of a test match starting on Wednesday? - and I just thought that today was another build up day. So I only arrived at the ground at 10:50. Luckily, Andy realised I was stupid, had worked out what was going on, and left me on the team sheet.

Anyway, it was a good day for England. Aren't they all nowadays? Andy won the toss, decided we would bat on a lovely strip against lovely bowling. Unfortunately, Cookie was out for a duck - bit of a worry, his form - and Trotty didn't fare much better. When I got to the crease at 11:32 it wasn't looking great. I wasn't feeling great, either, especially after my run-in with Andy, but then I thought back to my time against Merlyn yesterday. I felt much better, and started hitting Mohamed Asif about a bit. Talking about Asif - what is going on with that guy's hair? Anyway, it came off, and by the time I was out for 158 after tea, trying to see if I could hit the ball into the face of Big Ben, England were looking pretty good at 345 for 4. By close Colly had got to his century, and England closed on 389 for 5.

Thursday 19th August - The Third Test Match, Day Two

It was my turn to drive Graeme Swann to the ground today, and I think my good form may have rubbed off on him. He certainly bowled well after Andy declared on 602-9. Firstly, he got Farhat out padding up. Then, our "fish's bottom" sledge to Salman Butt finally paid off - he charged down the wicket, cried "Geronimo", took a wild swing and got himself stumped. I'd call him an idiot, but let's face it, who am I to talk? Anyway, the rest of the Pakistani batting line up rolled over like a pack of cards. What is it that the French say: plus ca change? Unfortunately, I'm not clever enough to put the cedilla under the "c" in "ca", but you get the idea.

Mohamed Yousuf batted pretty well in the evening session. I feel it may well have been the beads he wove into that magnificent beard of his. If only Andy would let me grow my beard back.

Friday 20th August - The Third Test Match, Day Three

Another good day. I LOVE playing for England!

Andy made them follow on after we eventually bowled them out for 324 - with that man Yousuf scoring a hundred. Second time round, they looked a bit demoralised and had subsided to 104-5. Credit is mainly due to Stuart Broad. When he gets his run-up right, his bowling is a joy to behold: his action has expert timing, he bowls as fast as lightning and, fielding behind the stumps, it can be a little bit frightening.

There was one embarrassing moment just after lunch - wee Jimmy was bowling like the wind, and Shoaib Malik played at the ball. Behind the stumps, I could swear we all heard a click as the ball passed the bat, and sure enough my drinking buddy Simon Taufel stuck his finger up. But Malik reviewed it, and remarkably, Hot Spot showed that the noise we all heard was Alistair Cook breaking wind at silly point.

Saturday 21st August - The Third Test Match, Day Four

We JUST got this wrapped up in time for my big night out on Saturday with Swanny and the boys. Kamran Akmal, playing as a specialist batsman, scored a big hundred and forced us to bat again. We needed to score 89 off 12 overs before close of play. Luckily, Cookie was as keen as I was for a night at "El Splendidos" in Chelsea, and hit out at the Pakistani bowlers. I think it was just what he needed, and he scored an undefeated 54. He looked dead pleased when he was walking back to the pavilion. Anyway, it was a GREAT win for the boys, and I was pleased to win the Man of the Match.

On another note, I had the strangest dream last night. It was the year 2030, and as Chairman of Selectors I was picking the squad for the Ashes Test Match at Lords. We offered a debut to a young left arm spinner who had been doing well at Northamptonshire. The only thing I can remember about him is that his initials were HJBS, and Jessica said he was good looking. I wish for the life of me that I could remember the kid's name.

Something of a let down

2010-08-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

It's a bold decision of Waqar Younis to pick Mohammad Yousuf. He is stranded at the British Embassy in Islamabad, stuck in a tense diplomatic tete-a-tete, between the British ambassador and Imran Khan. After hours of negotiation, a deal is finally done: Pakistan's premier batsman is given a visa, in return for Mushtaq Ahmed agreeing to be the England spin coach for the next 25 years. Graciously, Andrew Strauss agrees that irrespective of the outcome of the toss, England will agree to bat first and Pakistan can field a substitute fielder whilst Yousuf arrives.

Back at Edgaston, Salman Butt's announces the changes to his team: Azhar Ali is replaced by Mohammad Yousuf, Danish Kaneria is replaced by little Raza Hasan, and in a surprise move, Mohammad Asif makes way for Waqar, who plays as a player-coach. As Salman explains, Waqar can still match the 75 mph achieved by Asif at Trent Bridge, and he's a better bowler.

On a pitch offering generously swing, Waqar is able to trap Alistair Cook, leg before wicket in the second over. And could this be trouble for England, as Jonathan Trott snicks Mohammad Amir to waiting gloveman Kamran Akmal? Well, it's Kevin Pietersen time, and he responds well to the challenge. Belying the silly suggestions that he might be dropped, he clubs the Pakistani seamers around the Birmingham ground, reaching his half-century before England lunch at 111-2.

Shortly after lunch, little Raza Hasan receives a boost as he is offered his first bowl in Test Cricket. His first over is, however, not a happy affair: Strauss hits three boundaries, including a towering six over mid-wicket, to take 14 off the over. And oh no - what is this? Pietersen is facing Raza's next over, and the Sky lipreadometer is able to decipher him saying to Strauss "I'm going to hit the little guy's first ball into Lincolnshire."

Nervously, Raza limbers up. One step, then two. He reaches the crease and tosses the ball up, as if making a sacrificial offering to batting lord Pietersen. The Anglo-African steps forth to give the ball the clout of its life. One step, then two. Ball meets batsman. Batsman meets ball. Pietersen takes a huge swipe...but he misses and 'stumper Akmal has him out, stumped, defeated by his own conceit.

By close, England have reached 346 for 4 (Strauss 146, Collingwood 85*).

-----

"Final call for passenger Yousuf, travelling on Flight 385 to London."

Mohammad Yousuf escapes the clutches of the journalists, and scurries to the Departure Gate. He is on course to reach Edgbaston by lunchtime on the second day. He boards the plane and finds his seat. He waits. He waits. He waits. The pilot speaks on the intercom, explaining that due to an unexpected engine fault, the plane will not be able to take off.

-----

The second day is a disheartening day for the tourists. By lunchtime, the fluency of Paul Collingwood and Eoin Morgan has ruled out any possibility of a Pakistan victory. The only question is whether the Pakistanis can save the game. England eventually declare after Morgan has shimied his way to his maiden double century. 656 is a lot of runs. Waqar may have taken 5 wickets, but after 31 overs, he's pretty tired.

The Pakistan innings gets off to a miserable start, and in a bitter replica of their performance on the previous Saturday evening, they find they have lost three wickets in only eight overs. James Anderson makes Salman look slightly foolish, but reasoning that Mohammad Yousuf will arrive overnight and will be able to bat twice, the Pakistani skipper knows there is still hope.

-----

Exhausted but relieved, Mohammad Yousuf knows he is finally on his way as his plane leaves from the Islamabad runway. However, the flight encounters unexpected wind, and is forced to divert to Cairo to refuel. When a sirocco grounds all flights out of Egypt, he has to telephone Waqar to say he won't make Edgbaston until the fourth day.

-----

The commentators ponder which Pakistan will turn up on Sunday morning: the group of richly talented players of unrivalled flair, or the slightly pathetic lot who didn't seem to try at Trent Bridge? The answer is soon clear, as the Akmal brothers tear into the England bowlers. Pakistan are 156 for 3 at lunch. Are they finally going to make a match of it?

Unfortunately, there is a calamitous loss of wickets between lunch and tea. In all, Pakistan manage to lose 12 wickets in one session, to a combination of committed swing bowling and batsmen not trying. They manage a bit better in the evening session. But only a bit. After another cluster of wickets, they are eight down, with only little Raza Hasan and the absent Mohammad Yousuf remaining. Little Raza holds out for six overs, but then pads up to a straight one from Graeme Swann. England appeal. The finger goes up. Have England won?

There is some confusion, because it is at exactly that point Edgbaston is hit by a thunderstorm and play is immediately suspended. The umpires claim that as Yousuf was not present when the wicket fell, Pakistan had completed their innings and were all out.

However, as the rain falls Pakistan sense a way out of the match. Imran Khan 'phones up from Pakistan, pleading with the umpires just to allow them until the fourth day to see if Mohammad Yousuf can somehow salvage the game.

-----

The sirocco has subsided, and Mohammad Yousuf is on his way. However, Birmingham air-traffic controllers are on strike, and unbelievably, his plane is diverted to Norwich Airport. There he has to wait four hours for a customs official to arrive from London.

-----

Unfortunately, the fourth day of the match is lost to rain.

The final day is a conundrum: will the rain relent and allow England to press for the elusive final wicket? Will Mohammad Yousuf's train get to Birmingham New Street in time?

The rain finally gives way to the sunshine at 4:00 pm, and to the doubt of the Pakistani coaching team, the umpires allow play to start at 5:30. That start time gets put back to 5:45, whilst groundsman Steve Rouse tries to find some petrol to start the roller. That suits the Pakistani team very well, because it is at 5:40 that Mohammad Yousuf walks through the dressing room door.

England have two overs to dismiss either Waqar or Mohammad Yousuf. Waqar faces Anderson, with a spring in his step. Waqar pushes forward, and chips the ball behind square. Morgan is forced to dive to his right, but he is able to clutch the ball to save it reaching the boundary. Eager to remain positive, Mohammad Yousuf calls Waqar for a single. Waqar says no, but against the painful background noise of a Pakistani vuvezela which was smuggled into the ground, Mohammad Yousuf does not hear him. Morgan flips the ball back to Anderson, who whips the bails off. Mohammand Yousuf is run out without facing a ball.

Brotherly love?

2010-07-28T13:55:00.001-07:00

People who do not enjoy Test Match cricket often do not understand that cricket is a metaphor for life itself. On the other hand, cricket lovers are blessed with an appreciation that the question of a whether good will ultimately score more runs than evil is a question of philosophy as deep as that ultimate question - what is the meaning of life?

It's a sunny day at Trent Bridge, as Salman Butt calls correctly, and decides that Pakistan should bat first. He hopes that Danish Kaneria will be able to obtain turn and bounce in the final innings. But it isn't long before he regrets his haste to bat, as Stuart Broad gets one to lift past his nose. He manages to get his gloves out of the way and survives, but at the other end, Imran Farhat is less lucky, nicking James Anderson into the gloves of the waiting Matt Prior. But Azhar Ali shows why he is highly regarded with some attractive strokeplay. Despite all that, it's a quiet first session, and Pakistan are reasonably well placed on 78-1 at lunch.

The clouds close in during the lunchbreak, however, and when they take the field after a round of sandwiches, England's bowlers get much more assistance from the conditions. Salman Butt is the first to perish; he chops on an in-dipper from Steven Finn. The next over sees Azhar Ali dismissed by Broad: away swinger, pitched up, prod forward, indecisive foot movement, click of ball against edge, deviation to first slip, diving Graeme Swann, jubilant Broad. Umar Amin follows the following over, and two overs later Shoaib Malik is dismissed by a catch from a leaping Collingwood that rolls back the years.

However, the Akmal brothers aren't known as the most annoying cricketing brothers since Mike and David Hussey for no reason, and using a series of fresh air drives and niggles to the leg side, Kamran and Umar Akmal are able to keep out the England bowlers. Tea comes, tea goes. Eventually, at close of play, the two little men have restored parity to the game with the score at 248-5 (Umar Akmal 78*, Kamran Akmal 78*).

The second morning is overcast and there is much talk about how England's bowlers will take advantage of the swing available. But the Akmal brothers adopt the Steve and Mark Waugh model to lose their wickets. After adding just three to his overnight score, Umar goes for what the Sky Sports commentators call a "suicidal single". Unhappily, Kamran does not respond, and the brothers are left facing each other at the non-striker's end. There ensues a bitter argument between the two of them about which of them is out, and eventually umpire Simon Taufel has to mediate by flipping a coin. Kamran is the unlucky man. With an inter-Akmal argument going on in the dressing room, the Pakistani lower order is able to offer scant further resistance and England are able to dismiss the Pakistanis for 298 (Akmal 81, Akmal 81).

Happily for them, the Pakistani bowlers bowl splendidly, and for some time there is real doubt about whether England can even achieve the follow-on total of 98. Mohammad Aamer bowls with pace and hostility, and is able to make batsmen of the calibre of Andrew Strauss and Kevin Pietersen look slightly foolish. England's lowest ebb is at 35-5, whereupon Matt Prior joins Eoin Morgan at the crease. Prior approaches Morgan mid-pitch.

"So remind me, how do you spell your first name again?" asks the Sussex 'keeper.

"Maiden mhaith. Breathnu ar an scorchlar." replies the diminutive Irishman.

Morgan and Prior bat beautifully together. There is initially a little confusion in the running between the wickets, when Morgan calls "Fanacht" and Prior does not understand, but that is soon resolved and they run as one. Sometimes, cricket transcends international boundaries.

Anyway, both score hundreds, and although Prior is out trying just before close of play trying to hit Danish Kaneria into the River Trent for a second time, it's England who are in charge on 303-6 (Prior 124, Morgan 118*).

Three is said to be the magic number, and the third day's play at Trent Bridge is indeed splendid. First, we should applaud the brave and innovative batting from England in the morning. Congratulations in particular to Northamptonshire born spinner Graeme Swann, on his first test match hundred, scored off 72 balls. With three overs to go before lunch, England finally declare on 478 for 8, some 180 runs ahead.

Salman and Imran survive those first three overs, but both fall in the first over after lunch from Stuart Broad. Umar Amin is able to put up good resistance with Azhar Ali, and by tea time they are both playing with a flair reminiscent of Javed Miandad. After tea, Ali is undone by a clever slower ball from Paul Collingwood which flies to Morgan at point, and Amin is bowled through the gate next over from Swann. When Shoaib Malik nicks the ball on to his pad and the ball flies to substitute fielder Rob Newton, it seems that Pakistan's only hope of cricketing salvation lies once again with the brothers Akmal. Remarkably, there is a run-out action replay: this time, Kamran calls Umar for a quick single and Umar is beaten by a smart throw from Collingwood. Conspiracy, fate or just coincidence? You decide. Anyway, Pakistan are six wickets down, and just six ahead, when the sun goes down on Saturday night.

What makes Pakistan bat so well on Sunday morning? It may be that they were given a heavy team talk by their coach Waqar Younis, or it may be that they are inspired by their former teammate Shahid Afridi's maiden performance on Strictly Come Dancing. In any case, they perform splendidly, and whilst they lose wickets occasionally, they are able to score 156 runs in the session. With Danish Kaneria the final man to go on the stroke of lunch, England are set 162 to win.

Mohammad Asif and his floppy hair has little difficulty getting the best out of the pitch, and there is little surprise when he induces Alastair Cook to prod forward, such that he edges the ball to slip. But Strauss and Jonathan Trott are able to guide England to victory. The Pakistani supporters and their vuvuzelas are silenced as England press home their advantage, until finally, at 3.02 on Sunday afternoon, Jonathan Trott caresses a leg break from Kaneria into a gap on the off-side to score the winning runs.

The man of the match award is given to Eoin Morgan for his excellent innings. As he picks up his award, he takes the microphone from Nasser Hussain and says "Go raibh maith agat, Nasser."

Meanwhile, down in South West London, the greatest bowler of all staggers on his toes towards the television set. He looks intrigued as willow thwacks against leather. He turns to his father and smiles. He is only 13 months old. He has no idea what greatness he will achieve; he probably has no idea even what cricket is. But the countdown to the 2030 Ashes series has begun for this little boy.

Raindrops keep falling on my head

2010-06-03T14:47:00.000-07:00

"Heads!" cheers Shakib al Hasan as Andrew Strauss tosses the King George VI gold sovereign into the bright Manchester sky. But as Sir Ian Botham peers down toward the coin as sits on the pitch, he sees the rear end of the former monarch looking back at him. It's tails, and Strauss decides he will bat. His joy is nevertheless short-lived, for the first drops of rain fall upon the Old Trafford pitch just a few moments later, whilst Strauss imparts to Ryan Sidebottom the sad news than Ajmal Shahzad has won Tim Bresnan's place in the team. It's not long before the Pennines disappear behind a wall of cloud every bit as black as the New Zealand team's one-day kit, and at 11:15 Billy Bowden and Rudi Koertzen decide to abandon play for the day.

Hoping against home, the teams reconvene the next morning. Unhappily, the previous day's downpour has led to damp patches on the bowlers' run ups. Shakib maintains he doesn't mind because his team don't have any proper quick bowlers anyway, but Umpire Bowden's mind is made up, and play is only able to start at 3:15. In the penultimate over before tea, the Bangladeshis are able to make a breakthrough, as Alistair Cook plays Shahadat Hossain onto his stumps. The forces of boredom are given a boost as Jonathan Trott, bless him, walks out to bat. He and Strauss bat out a wholly uninspiring evening's cricket, with England leaving the field on 126-1.

The third day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

The fourth day offers a splendid day's cricket. The cricket gods have somehow got the better of meteorological fate. Strauss is inspired by the weather, and tells Trott to retire out, in order that Kevin Pietersen can accelerate the England innings. Pietersen is, however, out first ball to Shakib al Hasan's left arm darters, but Eoin Morgan uses his Gaelic charms to spirit a quick fifty. At the other end, Strauss reaches his hundred in under an hour, England declare on 276-1.

The England bowlers come out firing. Shahzad is a bowling sensation, achieving pace and bounce on his Test Match debut. Even Tamim Iqbal, who in 2013 will surpass Brian Lara's record 400" in a magnificent innings at the Gabba, is unable to keep the Yorkshire quick out. At lunch, things look ugly for the Bangladeshis at 35 for 5. The ground clouds over after lunch, and batting becomes impossible for the Tigers. They are eventually bundled out for a miserable 69. Surely, Strauss will enforce the follow-on?

Indeed. But this time, the Bangladesh batting line up perform much more successfully. Although Tamim is out first ball, Junaid Siddique and Imrul Kayes bat sensibly to defy England until tea. 56-1. Although Siddique is trapped in front by one of Trott's little dobbers, Mohammed Ashraful defies the commentators who have said he is a Flash Harry, by producing an innings of calm certainty. However, with Kayes have dropped anchor as well, the Bangladeshis are unable to make significant progress againsst the first innings deficit. And at close of play on the fourth day, Bangladesh are still 144 runs bebind.

There is much speculation amongst the commentators about whether England have the firepower to bowl out the Tigers once more. Unfortunately, we will never know, as the fifth and final day is lost to rain. The match is drawn. Captain Strauss graciously collects the delightful Habibul Bashar Trophy, which is awarded to the winner of each series between England and Bangladesh.

But back in London there are dark moves afoot to prevent this type of rain-soaked debacle in the future. In a back office in Whitehall, new Minister for Sport Hugh Robertson smiles, as he puts the finishing touches to the Cricket (Prevention of Rain Delays) Act 2010, which will ban any future Test Matches from being staged at any venue north of Edgbaston.

Crime never pays

2010-05-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

Tamim Iqbal: what a splendid player he is. After Shakib al Hasan calls correctly, he opens up against lanky England paceman Steven Finn. Finn gets one to rise outside off-stump, and Tamim effortlessly guides the ball into the crowds behind third man Eoin Morgan. This is the foretaste of an innings of innocent magnificent from Tamim, and he is richly applauded as he reaches his century on the last ball before lunch. 167-1.

His stay after lunch is short-lived, though, as Graeme Swann is able to trap him in front of middle, as he attempts a reverse scoop-sweep. The procession of batsman following his dismissal is reminiscent King George VI's funeral, as Bangladeshi after Bangladeshi plays inadequate shots against aggressive bowling from the England seamers. By teatime, 167-1 has morphed to 219-7.

But at tea time, something happens that will change the course of cricketing history. In the Lords Room, the England players applaud, as unveiled is a beautiful portrait of Mike Gatting helping himself to some Victoria Sponge. But it is not that which is important: back in the changing rooms is mischief is undertaken. Mohammed Ashraful has smuggled in some special chilli powder, and empties the entire pot into the pasta bake eaten by the England bowlers. Within seconds of tucking into their fodder, the fast bowling thoroughbreds are reduced to tears. Even Tim Bresnan, with his big tummy, is unable to resume the field of play.

After Bangladesh coach Jamie Siddons admits he was behind the prank, Rule 168.27 of the Laws of Cricket is instigated. Keen followers of cricket will know this reads:

"If any player knowingly interferes with the gastrointestinal tract of an opposition player then he shall be guilty of an offence, and five penalty runs shall be awarded to the opposition team."

This has the interesting effect that England start their innings before the conclusion of the Bangladeshi innings. But the joy of that paradox, and indeed the award of five runs, is scant reward for an England team denied its premier bowlers. After trying Ravi Bopara, Ian Bell, Kevin Pietersen and Alistair Cook, Andrew Strauss turns to Morgan in desperation. Morgan admits he hasn't bowled before, but says he will have a go. He limbers up, with a fluid motion, and releases the ball with a mild tweak. The ball grips on the pitch and catches the edge of Ashraful's bat. The ball leaps to silly point, and England are on their way again. In the next over, Bopara finishes off the Bangladesh innings, at 267. England amass 43-1 before the day is closed by bad light. Andrew Strauss is outwitted by Rubel Hussain, despite the Bangladeshi's increasing irritation at being called "Barney" by his teammates.

Friday is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

Saturday is, however, splendid. Under the brilliant sunlight, the Tigers' bowlers struggle to maintain a consistent line and length, and Ian Bell milks boundary after boundary. Try as they might, the Bangladeshis are unable to contain him. The cameras zoom into his face, and Sky lip-readers observe him repeatedly saying "I may have ginger hair, but if I work on my game I can be at least as good as Ricky Ponting". It later transpires that this is part of his new hypnotic treatment to improve his confidence. Anyway, it works: by teatime he has guided England pass Bangladesh's score, to 302-2.

They say that a child born on the Sabbath Day is bonny and blithe and good and gay. But there is nothing of that nature in Sunday's play at Lords. What a miserable day of play it is, as Abdur Razzak continuously fires the ball from outside the leg-stump into the England batsmen's pads. Most of the England batsmen play safe, and it is only Kevin Pietersen who can find a way to combat the tactic, with his innovative reverse cover drive. But England grind their way to a sizable first innings lead: they eventually declare exactly 300 runs ahead of Bangladesh on 567-7, just after tea. An early close is caused by more bad light without Bangladesh losing any wickets.

So, it's the final day. Monday morning. Can England take the ten wickets needed to win victory at headquarters? How will the England bowlers claim their revenge against Ashraful's dastardly behaviour? Will David Cameron visit Lords? How many wickets will Eoin Morgan take, with his newly developed left-arm spinners?

So many questions.

So few answers.

NWS - An Apology

2010-05-22T11:49:00.000-07:00

It will not have evaded any of Next Week's Scoreboard's esteemed readership that this website did not cover the England Tour of Bangladesh, which took place earlier this year.

This post intends to both apologise for and explain the omission.

NWS is aware that this omission will have upset - perhaps even unbalanced - its readers. It is also aware just how many people rely on this website in order to plan their televisual viewing. With all that in mind, NWS is truly sorry for not previewing the two test matches in question. It will not happen again (well, certainly not until the next time, anyway).

The national press has tried to explain why this happened. Michael Atherton in the The Times thought it was a protest against Bangladesh holding Test Match status, whilst The Telegraph interpreted NWS' silence as a statement that a prediction of a Test Match involving Bangladesh was unnecessary. On the airwaves, Jonathan Agnew on TMS thought it could have been because the writer of NWS had moved house and didn't have access to a computer, whilst Nasser Hussain on Sky said it was because he was admitted to hospital for a hernia repair. The on-screen graphics demonstrating the operation looked painful.

Whilst there is some truth in all four of these explanations, a far more serious concern was at the heart of NWS's failure to publish. NWS has always been aware of its responsibility not to disturb the space-time continuum by letting the players know in advance what is going to happen in the matches in which they play.

But now, a new peril has become known to NWS. It transpires that illegal bookmakers have been relying on the accuracy and clarity of NWS' predictions to make huge sums of money. This was discovered after William Hill reported irregular betting patterns to NWS, following the conclusion of the South Africa tour. Happily, close cooperation between NWS, the ECB and the Indian Police led to the successful conviction last week of the ringleader of an illegal betting circle in Mumbai.

(Naturally, NWS couldn't publish this apology any earlier, as that could have prejudiced the court case.)

Anyway, now the villains are behind bars, roll on the Bangladesh Tour of England, 2010.

Changes

2010-01-13T12:50:00.000-08:00

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself" - Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist and mystic (1828-1910)

"'Underprepared' is how I would describe this pitch," comments Sir Ian Botham, explaining to the already tortured Sky viewers just how difficult it will be to bat on a green Johannesburg track, "and any captain worth his salt will want to bowl first on this. He'll be asking his bowlers to aim at this area, just short of a length, where you can see a bloom of mushrooms has grown under the plastic covers."

Well, Graeme Smith is worth his salt as captain, and when Andrew Strauss calls incorrectly, he does indeed insert England. Smith sneers as Strauss looks him in the eye, thanks him and adds that he is looking forward to a good match. Smith goes back to his dressing room and tells Morne Morkel and Dale Steyn that he wants to hear Alastair Cook squeal with pain.

Smith's plan bears fruit very quickly. Strauss and Cook defend as well as they can, but debutant Wayne Parnell rattles Strauss' stumps with a ball that holds its off-stump line. Well done that lad: Wasim Akram would have been proud of that ball.

Cook follows the next over to a good one from Steyn, and Kevin Pietersen is brought to the crease. As he plays and misses his first three balls, he is left to reflect that the angry mob of young men who tormented his walk through the tunnel to the crease could just as easily be a metaphor for the demons running around his head.

"Out here, we either fight or we die" says fellow batsman Jonathan Trott. Pietersen pauses a moment, and then stops shaking. He walks back to his mark to face Steyn once more. The ball is on a length just outside on off-stump; the audience pause to see if he will play or leave. But a moment later they gasp, as he gets down on one knee, and sweeps the ball for six, in the style of England one day great Malachy Loye. As the ball flies through the thin air, the anxiety is almost visibly seen to leave Pietersen, like a cloud passing from a granite Welsh hilltop. By lunch, England are on 147-2 (Pietersen 85*, Trott 32*). Smith berates his bowlers.

Although Pietersen falls soon after lunch for an entertaining 109, his innings has by itself directed the flow of the match, and by close of play, England are looking in good shape on 347-5 (Trott Pietersen 109, Trott 128, Parnell 3-48).

On the second day, the ground is abuzz with speculation, following Paul Collingwood's inflammatory comments in The Johannesburg Telegraph that he is planning to "set his stall out" and bat out for the remaining four days for a draw. The South Africans are rattled, and the Sky cameras spy heated exchanges between Smith and Mickey Arthur before play. In any event, the conclusion of Smith and Arthur's "discussion" is that the England batsmen will be surrounded by close fieldsmen. This aggressive field placings enable overnight batsmen Collingwood and Matthew Prior to get off to a flyer, scoring 74 off the first ten overs, before Collingwood eventually starts giggling and admits the whole story about batting out the match was just a wind-up. Normal field settings then resume, but England have the initiative. They press on through the day, with Stuart Broad clouting a quickfire 72. England declare on 646 for 8, with ten overs of the day remaining.

Back in the Proteas' dressing room, Smith is furious with his bowlers. But he looks slightly foolish a few moments later, when he is trapped in front by a splendid ball from Graham Onions, that dips into the South African captain's pads at the last moment. Hashim Amla cannot do anything with the next ball, which pitches on middle and leg before swinging late to glide past his defensive shot onto his off-stump. Jacques Kallis keeps out the hat-trick ball though, and the South Africans are on 32-2 at the close of play. Back in the dressing room, Kallis jokes with Smith that even if Collingwood won't bat out the match, Kallis might; Smith guffaws, before pausing a moment to check that Kallis is actually joking.

By day 3, the sun and the wind have combined to relax the pitch at the Bull Ring, and the local South African crowd are treated to some excellent cricket. England bowl well, with Graeme Swann intelligently exploiting Parnell's foot-holes; but the South Africans bat better, and in the course of the day, England are only able to take four wickets. The accuracy of England's bowlers enable them to restrict the scoring, however, and whilst Jacques Kallis does score 124, he does take almost the entire day in doing so. It's not quite clear which team this benefits, but South Africa look safe at 378-6 (Kallis 124, Prince 99). The more significant question seems to be whether they can put England under any degree of pressure in the remaining two days.

Day 4 also seems some interesting cricket. The South African lower order bats with enterprise, and it's not long before the surpass the follow-on target 447. Since by that stage, South Africa are nine wickets down, there seems little point in continuing and Smith declares. So: England are 199 runs ahead, with five and a half sessions to play. South African hopes of victory are soon raised, as Strauss and Cook again fail: surely Collingwood won't be required to play another long one? Well, not immediately anyway, as Trott and Pietersen once again play enduring innings. This is a different sort of an innings from Pietersen though - it is clear he wants to grind the South Africans down. Likewise, nothing seems to break Trott's concentration. Even when tempers flare between Pietersen and Ashwell Prince (following some unsavoury "sledging" from Prince about Pietersen's golden retriever), Trott gazes calmly into the mid-distance, with that Mona Lisa half-smile so reminiscent of Duncan Fletcher. Trott is finally dismissed for 99, but following a rare Collingwood failure Ian Bell accompanies Pietersen to the close.

The final day is a miserable one for the South Africans. England finally declare an hour before tea, setting the South Africans exactly 500 to win in exactly 50 overs. James Anderson sees that Smith completes his pair, before the game is declared a draw as a thunderstorm rolls in. Smith wonders if the reaction by The Johannesburg Telegraph to the series defeat will also be thunderous.

Smith smiles politely at the presentation ceremony, but somewhere inside, he is suddenly struck by sadness. He realises he's been a fool for the previous seven years. Yes, he'd been trying to improve his team; perhaps even to inspire the Rainbow Nation as a whole in some way. But where has is left him? An embittered man, playing bitter and ill-spirited cricket. Was this it? He suddenly realised that despite all that history: the early years with the Pollock brothers, international isolation, re-emergence, and the Hansie Cronje affair, no lessons had been learned. But there it was, before him: the Basil D'Oliveira Trophy. The name said it all. Suddenly, Smith understood why people played cricket, and resolved to make a change.

G11

2010-01-01T14:26:00.000-08:00

As the weather section in The Cape Town Sun will tell you, it's difficult to predict the weather down South. The clouds can roll down Table Mountain and envelop the ground in a matter of minutes. So, whilst the downpour forty-five minutes before play was due to begin was unpredicted, it might be misleading to say it was unexpected. In any case, the toss is delayed as both captains re-assess their team options.

But at 3.45 pm, Graeme Smith is able to lob his Rand coin high in the air at the toss. Andrew Strauss calls heads; but the coin lands tails up, and Smith is forced to choose. He elects to bat - a decision he will come to regret. Then, both captains explain their selection decisions; Strauss explains that England have been forced into a difficult selection: Graeme Smith is still piqued at the revelation in The Cape Town Sun that Paul Collingwood actually injured his finger sabotaging the South African team bus - not in a team warm-up as claimed - so he has refused to let England use the Newlands outfield to allow Collingwood to demonstrate his fitness. So Strauss and Andy Flower have decided to play safe and leave him out. Luke Wright is the beneficiary of Collingwood's misery. On the Protean side, there is an outbreak of common sense as Makhaya Ntini makes way for Friedel de Wet.

In the very first over, Smith is poleaxed by an Anderson in-swinger, so reminiscent of Matthew Hoggard's pearler years before. The resulting lbw decision is the first of a cluster of wickets which fall on the first day: Anderson takes three, and Luke Wright claims two of his own as South Africa slump to a hapless 108-7 at the close of play. The bellwether of the South African batting line-up, Jacques Kallis, top edges a wide long-hop from Luke Wright to Matthew Prior. Coach Andy Flower notes that Wright has a knack of taking wickets with bad balls. He can't think of who last did that on a regular basis, but he is sure there was somebody.

The second day crowd is treated to more clement weather. The crowd is dominated by a tired Barmy Army. The South African tail puts up good resistance to the England fast bowling attack, and eventually the Proteas are dismissed for 185. Well under par, but as they had been 96-7, they couldn't really grumble. Well, actually Graeme Smith does grumble, but even by his own standards he looks churlish in doing so.

Alastair Cook and Strauss make a steady start against Dale Steyn and Morne Morkel. England are well placed at 51-0, when Strauss edges de Wet to AB de Villiers at second slip, ten minutes before lunch. Unfortunately for Jonathan Trott, just a few moments prior to the dismissal, nature had called - a problem which will dog him throughout his long England career. As Trott sits helplessly behind a door marked "Engaged", Ian Bell gratefully walks to bat at three. Despite Jacques Kallis' unnecessary jibes that he resembles Jimmy Krankie, Bell makes it through to lunch with his wicket undisturbed.

Sadly for England, a succession of wickets fall in the afternoon and at tea, England look ill-positioned at 145-4. A succession of batsmen play outside the wrong line to balls from Paul Harris, on the incorrect assumption that he is a spin bowler. In fact, he is later forced to admit he's just a slow bowler, but by then it's too late for Messrs Cook, Trott and Pietersen. Never mind: the evening session brings an England recovery the stewardship of three lions, Ian Bell, Matthew Prior and Stuart Broad. There is, however, further excitement at the end of the second day: Broad's off-stump is removed by a Steyn yorker. This brings debutant Wright to the crease. His first ball is a half-volley outside off-stump; he is unsure how to respond. England are in a tight position and he has been told by Andy Flower to look after his wicket, but the temptation is just to great and he cannot resist climbing into it. The ball is last seen soaring like a bird over mid-off, in a lager-fuelled and lobster-tanned member of the Barmy Army singing in the stands. A little surprised, Flower tries to think bat to the last time an England player hit his first ball for six. Again, he can't quite place it.

Worryingly, Wright is missing from the Team England breakfast meeting prior to the third day. Andy Flower is worried he may have been kidnapped by the South African Cricket Association, but he need not have worried. With twenty minutes to go before play, Flower is finalising his press release explaining Wright's absence, but he looks up to see the Sussex all-rounder walking towards the Newlands from the direction of the nearby Castle Brewery factory. There seems to be a hint of blusher to Wright's cheeks, but as he is otherwise ready for play, nobody stops him from continuing his innings.

Wright furiously assaults the South African bowling. There is an unusual moment after twenty minutes: on 38, Wright takes an enormous heave at Morkel, falls over and is bowled. But with a silly grin on his face, he calls for his dismissal to be referred to the third umpire. As one, every member of the Barmy Army in the crowd put their respective heads into their respective hands, appalled at the absurdity of Wright's decision to raise a challenge his dismissal with his off-stump smashed into three pieces. But on the England balcony, Andy Flower sucks on his pencil, with a thoughtful look on his face. And then it is the South Africans turn to despair: the replays show that Morkel has bowled yet another no ball which was not spotted by the onfield umpire, and Wright has earned an unexpected reprieve as a result of the referral to the third umpire. Flower gestures over the England physio and asks for a blood sample to be taken from Wright during the lunch break. When he is finally dismissed by JP Duminy's off spin, he has taken 102 off just 45 balls from the South African bowlers. England are eventually dismissed an hour after lunch, having scored 325. Ian Bell is undefeated on 115.

Anderson takes the new ball for England. With Smith's first innings dismissal in his mind, the Lancashire quickie decides to bowl an in-swinger. Smith is of a like mind though, and plays inside the line of the ball, in an expectation that it will curve in. But at the last minute, the ball is caught by a gust of wind and swerve away in the direction of the slips. The ball slides past Smith's outside edge and catches his off-stump. Anderson tells his team-mates that he planned the "straight-onner" all along. The next over, Hashim Amla is caught on his crease by a ball that jags in from Stuart Broad. Dejectedly, he walks back to the pavilion, out lbw. But Jacques Kallis and Ashwell Prince guide the South Africans to tea without further alarm. After tea, the only further wicket for England falls to Graeme Swann, who embarrasses Prince with one that turns and bounces. At close of play on the third day, South Africa are 145-3 (Kallis 56*, de Villiers 56*).

On the fourth day, Anderson is forced to announce in the team meeting that he will not be able to take the field, due to a sore back - to much sniggering from Graeme Swann. Against that background, Broad opens up with Graham Onions. But it's not the bowlers who break through first: it is fielding wizard Michael Carberry, prowling around the covers as substitute for Anderson, who runs out de Villiers in the fourth over of play. Zoom lenses trained on the South African balcony catch Mickey Arthur angrily muttering something in Afrikaans to Graeme Smith: a lip reader brought in by the Sky Sports team claims that Arthur was moaning that Carberry was brought in by England purely as a specialist substitute fielder. Arthur later denies he said anything of the sort.

Whatever, de Villiers' dismissal is the start of trouble for the South Africans. Duminy falls in the next over to Broad, who has now found a consistent line and length, and Onions sends Boucher on his way with a vicious bouncer the following over. There is limited resistance from Morkel, who clouts 16 from an experimental over from Kevin Pietersen, but Luke Wright is able to break the deadlock a few overs later. He bowls a wide half-volley, which Morkel clatters to Ian Bell at cover. In the closing moments of the South African innings, Jacques Kallis finds himself batting with Dale Steyn. From the balcony, Smith urges Kallis to farm the strike and increase his run-rate. But Kallis refuses to move out of his comfort zone: he consistently passes the strike to Steyn, who manfully tries to keep out some big spinners from Swann, whilst quietly building his total at his own pace. "I'm alright, Jacques", scripts the headline writer for The Cape Town Sun. When Steyn finally succumbs to a slower one from Wright, South Africa are but 64 runs ahead. This is a total which Strauss and Cook knock off with aplomb.

Following the conclusion of the match, Andy Flower calls a press conference, amid great excitement. News of Luke Wright's blood tests has been leaked on Twitter, and the hacks at The Cape Town Sun are excitedly awaiting details of Wright's alcohol levels. In front of flashing bulbs and fluffy microphones, Flower reads out the following statement:

"There has been widespread speculation regarding England all-rounder Luke Wright. Following his bold and inspiring performance during the Third Test Match, the England management decided to carry out blood tests. Luke has co-operated at all times with these tests.

Independent scientists have carried out a detailed study of Luke's blood, and have come to two conclusions. Firstly, the results of the tests show that his DNA is almost identical to a number of former England all-rounders. Secondly, it is clear that he has two hearts. Following receipt of these results, the England management have carried out follow-up interviews with Luke and his immediate family about his emergence as an international all-rounder.

On the basis of these results, we have concluded that Luke is the eleventh regeneration of Sir Ian Botham, taking over from Andrew Flintoff and a number of his predecessors, to do battle throughout the history of time with all that is bad in Test Match cricket. And what better place to start than with Graeme Smith and his team?

On behalf of everyone involved with England cricket, I would wish Luke a long and happy career, particularly as we are given to understand that Sir Ian can only regenerate on a maximum of twelve occasions."

Next Week's Scoreboard's Christmas Message: A Christmas Carol

2009-12-23T14:14:00.000-08:00

Picture the scene. It is Christmas Eve in a small room in the Premier Inn in Durban.

Geoffrey is tired. It's been a long day, and not unusually for him, he isn't happy. He'd gone back to the hotel early, following the Test Match Special Christmas Party. The evening had got off to a bad start, so far as he was concerned, after Jonathan Agnew had been teased him about his new hat. Some people just have no respect, Geoffrey thinks: 8,114 test runs at 47.72, and the fools in the commentary box still couldn't recognise that he was better than them. And when the sommelier mixed him up with Tony Greig - well, enough was enough, and he knew he had to storm out.

He lays back on his bed and flicks through the channels on television. He is initially encouraged when he sees on the on-screen guide that Desmond Tutu's Top 50 Christmas Songs Ever! is on, but after enduring The Frog Song covered in Afrikaans, he decides that enough is enough and turns out the lights.

Geoffrey falls asleep.

After what seems like a few seconds, a crouched figure gingerly emerges from the room's wardrobe. He is wearing a long white umpire's coat, and a flat white cap on his bespectacled head. He is just putting his notebook away.

"Dickie!" exclaims Geoffrey, "What the heck are you doing here? Oh no - there hasn't been another breakout from the Retired Umpires Home again has there? You and your friends got into a lot of trouble the last time this happened, remember?"

"It was Steve Bucknor's idea to take readings with our light meters in that underground nightclub. Anyway, Geoffrey, you misunderstand me. I am not the real Dickie. No, I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. Tonight, it is my role to take you through some of the cricketing misdemeanours in your past, in order that you can reflect on how you have hurt people."

The umpire pulls out a print-out of Geoffrey's www.wikipedia.com entry from his coat pocket. He scans the front page, frowns and flicks through the next few pages.

"Actually, I think this could take quite some time. We'd better get started."

Several (very colourful) hours later, a very tired Dickie Bird bids Geoffrey farewell. He walks back into the formaldehyde wardrobe from whence he came. Geoffrey ponders a second, lays his head on the pillow and quickly goes back to sleep.

---------------

A few moments later, and a second ghost emerges from the background. It's Nasser Hussain.

"Geoffrey, I am the Ghost of Christmas Present. I am here to show you how other people around you are spending their Christmases, in order that you can watch and learn. cCome with me, please."

The former England captain gestures Geoffrey from his bed, and takes his hand. And, in a trice, Geoffrey finds that he has been whisked through the Durban sky, and is looking in on a hotel room on the other side of the city.

"This is the England team's Christmas Party," explains Hussain. Geoffrey peers inside. The England team are unwrapping their presents: "Secret Santa" explains Hussain, but Geoffrey is embarrassed to admit that is an unfamiliar concept to him. Andrew Strauss is unwrapping
his present. He smiles as he sees it is the latest John Grisham thriller, The Construction Lawyer. Elsewhere, Stuart Broad is delighted to find he has been bought hair cream.

"But they're all happy!" says Geoffrey. "How can this be?"

"It's simple, Geoffrey. They're a team. They work for each other, rather than for themselves."

"Maybe I should make more of an effort to get on with the other commentators. Maybe I'll drop into the TMS party and apologise...hang on, what's going on over there?"

In the far corner, one player is not looking so happy. Ian Bell is sat apart from the rest of the team, quietly weeping into a glass of blackcurrant and lemonade.

"What's wrong with him?" asks Geoffrey.

"Well, Geoffrey, you might ask yourself that question" explains Hussain. "A number of journalists have been calling for him to be dropped; the trouble is he's a bright lad, and he knows the hacks probably have a point."

Geoffrey looks troubled for a moment, swallows and says: "Maybe I should be a bit more sensitive when I commentate in future."

Hussain smiles at him: "That's what I wanted to hear Geoffrey. It seems that my job here is done."

Within a few moments, Geoffrey finds himself back in his bed. He nods off once more, albeit with a troubled heart.

---------------

But Geoffrey's sleep is short-lived, as no sooner has he started to snore, than has the apparition of Mark Ramprakash arrived: "In case you haven't already guessed, I am the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come," he explains.

After stepping into the Tardis, kindly loaned by Doctor Who to Next Week's Scoreboard for the purposes of this prediction, Ramprakash and Geoffrey find themselves in Birmingham, in 2020. Ramprakash explains that they are attending the Warwickshire County Cricket Club annual awards.

Compere Ashley Giles explains the next award: "Now, to celebrate the achievements of Warwickshire's greatest ever batsman, can you please give a big hand to Ian Bell, who this year scored his 100,000th first class run!"

The room stands to give Bell a worthy ovation, but Geoffrey is incredulous.

"100,000 first class runs? That's extraordinary. How many of them were test runs? Surely he must have been England's greatest ever test batsman as well - better even than me?"

"That's the tragedy, Geoffrey," laments Ramprakash, "he only scored about 4,000 test runs. Due to constant carping from commentators, his confidence was shot and he was dropped after the 2009-10 series to South Africa. He carried on scoring runs at will for Warwickshire, but the national selectors just couldn't trust him to pull his finger out at international level. He was, in short, just like me but better."

"This is awful news; what a waste! Why couldn't someone sort him out?" asks Geoffrey.

"There is one piece of good news. It does not need to be this way. It is not too late for someone to get a grip of him and coach him into the international batsman which his talent merits. The majority of those 100,000 first class runs could still be scored for England. But it needs someone to take action now, Geoffrey. Someone outside the England set-up, someone with experience. Someone with gravitas. Get my drift, Geoffrey?"

"Clearly" says Geoffrey, before he is transmuted back to his present day bed in RSA.

---------------

The next morning, Geoffrey is a changed man. He is happy, for he knows what his life's mission now is. The first person to experience his bonhomie is Ian Bell, upon whose door Geoffrey knocks at 7:00 am on Christmas Day. A bleary eyed Bell eventually responds.

"You're coming with me, lad" says Geoffrey as he grabs the Warwickshire man by the ear, "we're spending Christmas in t' nets".

Several hours later, both men walk back to the England hotel, feeling progress has been made.

---------------

It is now 5:05 pm on the final day of the Durban Test Match. Graeme Smith gesticulates to his bowlers. He knows this has been too easy for England. He had set them a target of 370 for the last day, and he had assumed that England were defeated when he had them 4 down before lunch with only 52 on the board.

But something extraordinary had happened. Ian Bell had started slowly, but had built up steam; and now he seemed unstoppable. At the other end, Jonathan Trott had batted steadily. Now, England were on 367 for 4, and just needed 3 to win. The only question was whether or not Bell could reach the double century which had eluded him at Lords years earlier. He was on 195: surely he couldn't hit a six?

Dale Steyn started his run up. He was clearly wearied, but was still doing the right thing by his country. Picking up speed, he approached the wicket. He leaped, and hurled down the ball. Short-pitched, it rose towards Bell's face. Smith dreaded the thought of Bell hooking it for six. Bell shaped to hit the ball into the stands, just as Smith feared.

But as he hit the ball, he rolled his wrists over the shot, and hit the ball into the turf before it could reach the boundary. It became clear he had preferred the boring over the bold.

"That's my lad," smiled Geoffrey, without realising he was talking out loud. And for the first time in his life, he felt a special feeling in his heart. Was this happiness, he asked himself?

International Rescue

2009-12-12T13:53:00.000-08:00

Beneath his tired navy blue training cap, bestowed upon him by an insistent sponsor, a series of creases is etched into Andrew Strauss' forehead. He has a sense of unease as he looks across the Centurion outfield to the nets where the England fast bowlers are warming up. For some reason, Jimmy Anderson has stopped bowling. A minute later, his very worst fears are confirmed. England have lost their premier fast bowler to injury. What with Graeme Swann's depressing decision to abandon the First Test Match to appear in the Celebrity X-Factor Christmas Special, England are in trouble before the series has even begun. Adil Rashid and Luke Wright, anybody?

Strauss goes back to the dressing room to ponder a solution. Seeking inspiration, he plugs into the team i-Pod. His gloom is lifted a touch by the enthralling opening bars of 633 Squadron. [Click on the box on the right hand side of the screen for a simulation of Strauss' experience. Can't you feel his gloom lift?]

And then, destiny decides to intervene in international cricket.

At first, the crowd hear the rumble of the de Havilland Mosquito's engines, before she rolls over the horizon towards the ground. What is going on? The South African crowd believe it is a fly-past, and stand to applaud. But over the ground, two parachutists leap out of the crate, before it turns and drones out of view. The cameras pan in on the parachutists: who could they be? Stuntmen? Sacha Baron Cohen? No. First, the Sky Sports commentators identify Andrew Flintoff. Then, with his patka blustering in the breeze, they focus in on the smiling Monty Panesar.

Defying all of Galileo's best work, Flintoff lands on the outfield a couple of minutes before Panesar. There is something of a thump as he lands on his backside, but he helps himself up and explains to a delighted Strauss that the two Ashes heroes have come to save England one last time. But there's no time to explain pleasantries, as Strauss has to toss up with an apparently peeved Graeme Smith. Smith wins the toss, and on a pitch which looks like the eighteenth green at Royal Lytham St. Annes, he invites England to bat.

It's not long before the treachery of the pitch is exposed. In the second over, Dale Steyn breaks Andrew Strauss' finger. The England physio suggests he should go off; but he waspishly responds "Be off with you! This is a Test Match. I am playing for England, and to go off now would be improper of me. "

And whilst Alastair Cook perishes to a bouncing delivery which catches his glove, Strauss' pain apparently improves his batting. Or perhaps it is just the sun which has come out, drying off the pitch. In any event, by lunch England are on 99-1 (Strauss 52*, Trott 24). After lunch, the pitch is becalmed; runs follow runs, and Strauss reaches his hundred in front of a disappointed crowd of tanned, semi-dressed beefburgers croaking indecipherable insults at the English batsmen, to the amusement of nobody but themselves. At the other end, Jonathan Trott is batting steadily.

Finally, Strauss is gone. Paul Harris is bowling awfully, and Geoff Boycott is annoying the SuperSports viewers by banging on about stealing candy off a child. But finally he gets one to turn off a dead dandelion in the pitch, and Umpire Rauf raises his finger. He is clearly not out, but later explains that for the England captain to bother using the referral system would be "improper".

Enter Kevin Pietersen. The South African crowd tries to boo him, but with their unfortunate accents even that comes out wrong, as "Baa!". Pietersen is puzzled, and wonders if they don't like his new Kevin Keegan style hair-cut.

In any event, he uses the abuse to inspire him. Scratchy at first, he improves as the overs roll by. At the other end, Trott is batting steadily. But Graeme Smith can't help express his irritation that they can't dismiss the two South African batsmen. "Why are you two playing for England?" he asks them.

"It's a better country than South Africa," responds Pietersen.

In any case, Pietersen bats steadily, and by the close of play on day one, England are in pole position at 333-2. Asked by David Gower what his strategy is for the next day's play, Trott explains that he plans "to bat steadily".

On the second day, Pietersen picks up the pace, as Trott bats steadily. When England eventually declare after tea on 656 for 3, mop-headed Pietersen has just retired, having reached 332. He explains that his decision to pull out was out of deference for Graham Gooch's epic 333 against India. In his interview at the end of the day, Trott explains to David Gower that he is satisfied that he batted steadily.

Before that, there is just time for Flintoff to steam-roller in for a few express overs. It's been a few months since he picked up a cricket ball, and his heavy footsteps make the bails fall off at the non-striker's end a couple of times, but once that is all sorted out, he gets the ball up to 93 mph to dismiss Graeme Smith. But there are no more breakthroughs for England that evening and South Africa close at 69-1.

The third morning is a turgid affair. Tim Bresnan and Monty Panesar bowl an extraordinary 22 consecutive maidens to Jacques Kallis and Hashim Amla, and Kallis seems very lucky to survive three close lbw shouts to Panesar. Meanwhile, in the TMS commentary box, the new policy of having two guest commentators on at the same time is leading to some interesting exchanges. "Why are these South African batsmen so lucky? Well, I believe it is that they have benefited from the blessing I gave them last Sunday" asserts Archbishop Desmond Tutu. But Matthew Hoggard is unimpressed: "Nay, be buggered."

Finally, though, Kallis perishes to a rising ball from the persisting Stuart Broad. And stripped of his partner, Amla misjudges a flighted delivery from Panesar in the next over, and is stumped after dancing past the ball. From that point on, every few overs the England team make a breakthrough, until Steyn's off-stump is uprooted by a Panesar quicker ball - measured at 85 mph. South Africa are out for a rather miserable 256: so exactly 400 runs behind. Back in the dressing room, Strauss is not sure what to do; but he turns to see that Andrew Flintoff has already changed his shirt, has gone out to the middle and is marking out his run-up. His inspiring presence is again too much for Graeme Smith: he shoulders arms to an inswinger, and a moment later a splinter from his middle stump has become wedged in Matthew Prior's pads. But that's all folks; a few moment later Umpire Rauf raises his light meter to the sky, nods, and walks off.

The fourth day is lost to rain.

The morning of the fifth day is lost to rain as well.

But by the afternoon, Strauss has been able to persuade Umpires Rauf and Bowden to take the field. Naturally, Graeme Smith moans - but as Umpire Bowden says at the time, when doesn't he? England are only able to use their slower bowlers. Trott bowls steadily. Panesar bowls beautifully; but without luck. Is the game a draw? Not quite: Kevin Pietersen is at hand, and when he dismisses two of his former countrymen in one over, there is more disquiet on the South African dressing room. On a drying pitch, Panesar finds the right pace and becomes a real handful. Whilst Kallis is still batting steadily, JP Duminy and AB de Villiers lost out to become further victims of the Sussex twirler's wizardry.

Wicket follows wicket: but over follows over. Finally, there is one over left. There is one wicket left. Kallis is batting. Panesar is bowling. Who will it be? The most boring batsman since Boycott retired, or the cheery spin trickster? Let me give you a clue: Father Christmas has a beard, and delivers presents to children across the world at this time of year. But this time, someone else with a beard delivers the England fans a Christmas present they will never forget.

NWS Review of the Ashes Series, 2010-11

2009-09-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

With many apologies for the delay, following the successful conclusion of the 2009 Ashes series, now seems like the perfect time to pick out some of the highlights of the return "rubber" in Australia, during the 2010/2011 winter series.

1st Test Match, Brisbane

England win the match at the Gabba by fifteen runs, following the brave decision by England captain Andrew Strauss to bat first with a batting line-weakened by injury. Really, the game should have been remembered for the superb 155* hit by Northamptonshire's Alex Wakely on his debut, but the real story of this match is the introduction of Digi-Ump, the successor to Hawkeye.

Following a successful trial in a one day match between Somerset and Leicestershire, the onfield umpires have been replaced by two special HD video cameras, sitting on tripods where the umpires would ordinarily stand. The cameras record what has happened, and using special bluetooth technology they communicate with each other to calculate whether the batsman is out. As inventor Trevor Bayliss explains, Digi-Ump's main purpose is to improve accuracy in decision making, but he also hopes that Digi-Ump's pleasant female voice when calling "over" will calm down over-excitable players.

Unfortunately, that is not the effect: Peter Siddle is fined his entire match fee for attacking Digi-Ump when she turns down a vociferous appeal for LBW. The experiment is finally abandoned when Digi-Ump short circuits, after water from an unexpectedly ferocious cloudburst gets into her systems.

2nd Test Match, Adelaide

Match tied. Chasing 129 in the final innings, it looks for all the world that the Australians will reach their target: at 81-1, they must think they will win. At 110-4, surely they will win. Even at 127-7, surely an England escape is impossible. But cometh the hour, cometh Stuart Broad...

3rd Test Match, Perth

The WACA match is a fast-bowling war.

Bowling in the first innings, Mitchell Johnson starts bowling what is billed by the local media as "Revenge for Bodyline". Reaching speeds of 94 mph, he bowls leg-theory at the batting sensation of the English summer, Ravi Bopara. Johnson's leg-trap comprises the wicketkeeper standing at leg slip, one leg gully and two short-legs. On the boundary, there are two deep mid-wickets. As Australia just have two fieldsmen behind square, Umpire Bowden is powerless to no-ball Johnson. On seeing what the field being put in place, Bopara calls on the physio, who straps a pillow round his torso. He is able to wear the necessary blows, and is eventually out for a magnificent, brave, but above all sweaty 177.

The England bowlers are piqued by the Australians' conduct, and Captain Strauss is unable to calm down Saj Mahmood in particular. In a spell as furious as anything Bob Willis delivered, Mahmood bowls faster and faster, at one point hitting 97.7 mph. Concerned that he is somewhere else, Mahmood's teammates try to speak to him. But he does not hear them; instead, like a Cyberman preparing for battle, he looks vacantly into the middle distance. and continues about his business. Whenever he takes a wicket, he does not celebrate; he merely asks the umpires to bring him another Australian batsman, and walks to the back of his mark and waits. He only comes out of his fast bowling trance having taken 7-17.

Unfortunately, days four and five are lost to a heavy rainstorm, and the match finishes in a draw.

4th Test Match, Melborne

It is arguable that Bay 13 at the MCG serves a useful purpose, for without poor crowd behaviour we would not be able to recognise good behaviour. If that is the case, then after this performance it should be particularly easy to appreciate the polite clapping of the members in the next Lords Test Match.

Australia try to regain the initiative by preparing a "dust bowl" and playing four spinners. Unfortunately, the strategy does not work, as one of the elected spinners is Nathan Hauritz and another is Beau Casson; they are unable to contribute a single wicket between them. Nevertheless, the surfeit of tweak does inspire England batsman Kevin Pietersen to bring out his unique double-sided cricket bat. He explains that it is intended to facilitate his switch-hit, and indeed, he thwacks Casson into the crowd with his trademark reverse slog-sweep.

This incenses the contents of Bay 13, who start to chant tired, predictable and homophobic jibes about Pietersen swinging it both ways. Quite properly, he responds in the next over by hitting a ball from Hauritz straight into infamous mob. Knowing that Pietersen has the better of them, they start to riot. The game is stopped, and they only quieten several hours later when Billy Bowden sensibly suggests that they should doused using the sprinkler normally used to water the outfield. Still, the delay to the match is just enough to help Australia to a draw.

5th Test Match, Sydney

Obviously I could tell you whether or not England are able to hang on to a draw, so you would know whether they claim a series victory, but I'm not going to, because that would spoil the surprise. As The Supremes once sang in a different context, you'll just have to wait.

However, I will say that the principal feature of this match is a hugely brave performance from Paul Collingwood, who has been flown in from England as emergency cover for the injured Joe Denly. Unfortunately, Denly hurt his knee playing football in the warm-up to net practice, 48 hours before the game. Owing to a booking error by British Airways, Collingwood only arrives an hour before the start of play. Still very jet lagged, Collingwood is pressed into early action as Michael Clarke wins the toss, and England have to field first. Collingwood struggles on as the Australians score six hundred; then England are skittled and have to follow-on. Danger: Strauss, Bopara and Pietersen are out cheaply second time round. With still twenty minutes to play on the fourth day, Collingwood is forced by Strauss to bat again, battling Australians and exhaustion as he tries to see England to stumps. He manages that, but how long can he survive on the fifth day?

Wearing sunglasses to protect his weary eyes, he grinds onwards and onwards, keeping the increasingly desperate Antipodeans out. With an hour to go, Collingwood is dismissed for 132, and England are in trouble again with seven wickets down. Once Collingwood has taken his pads off, Strauss graciously lets him get some well-earned sleep. But will he wake up to the rosy smell of an England series victory, or will it be the sickly whiff of Australians spraying themselves with champagne?

The Greatest Story Ever Told

2009-08-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

"Heads it is then Ricky."

"I think we'll have a bowl" decides Ponting, after some reflection "It's a flat pitch and a beautifully sunny day, so we'll need to do well to bowl England out twice. If we field first, we can get started on that early."

"Er...right. OK. Andrew, your thoughts?" asks Sky TV's Paul Allott.

"Well, we'll need to make sure we don't collapse like a house of cards this morning, but if we can show some spine we should be well placed for the rest of the match. As it's a flat pitch, we've gone for the extra bowler and we've brought back Andrew Flintoff and Monty Panesar for Ravi Bopara and Graeme Onions. I'm not telling you who's batting at three because you'll think I'm being silly."

"Perhaps that's Monty then. Have you got any message for the fans that you so let down so feebly in Leeds?"

"As it happens, I do. Firstly, we sincerely apologise. It will not happen again. Secondly, we don't want you to boo Ricky Ponting when he comes out to bat. There's little point in us beating the Australians if our fans are going to behave like them."

Unfortunately, though, the early signs are that England's batting has not improved since Headingley: Alastair Cook tries to drive the third ball of Ben Hilfenhaus' third over, but only succeeds in spooning the point to mid-off. The mystery of the England number three is then resolved, as Stuart Broad walks out of the England dressing room. Hilfenhaus pitches the ball up, trying to tempt Broad into playing the same shot as that which accounted for Cook. But Broad does not move his feet, and just misses the ball together. Next ball, same delivery, different result. Broad strides forward, strikes through the heart of the ball, and a second or so later it has skimmed past mid-off and hit the advertising hoardings for an emphatic boundary.

Batting at the other end, Strauss pushes a quick single to put Broad back on strike. Mitchell Johnson tries a bouncer outside off-stump; Broad's hook shot is out of control, but such is the power of his shot that the ball flies over the slip cordon for six. And as Broad plays shot after shot, England's tactic is becoming clear: Broad has been sent in as the first pinch-hitter in Test Match history. In a splendid innings that sets the Oval alight, he hits 86 before skying Simon Katich, twenty minutes before the luncheon interval. By the time that the players sit down for lunch, England have made a pulsating start and are at 141-2.

The afternoon's cricket is remarkable for the heat; the temperature at the Oval hits 32 degrees centigrade. Certainly by the evening session, the Australian pacemen are wearying, as the England batsmen strike boundary after boundary. A close of play, it's 412 for 5 (Strauss 158, Broad 86, Bell 86) and Flintoff and Prior are at the crease.

In the indoor nets after play has finished, Monty Panesar is bowling poorly. With a worried look on his face, coach Andy Flower says something quietly to Andrew Strauss, standing alongside him. The Australian spy standing on the balcony lipreads the words "Operation Big Boy" but can't work out what that could mean.

Three hours later, a plane takes off from Delhi Airport, bound for London Heathrow.

Friday morning sees another beautiful day, but not for the Australians. Flintoff makes his intentions quite clear, as he casually lifts Stuart Clark's third ball into the crowd behind mid-off. And then, in scenes mirroring Stuart Broad's innings on the previous day, he savages the Australian bowling. Then, in a scene this time mirroring his century at Lords in 2003, he splits his bat in two, before perishing two balls later to a slower one from Peter Siddle for a violent 105. But it's still 578 for 7 at lunch. After lunch, Graeme Swann inflicts some final misery on the Australians before England declare at 700 for 9 with twenty minutes to go until tea.

Andrew Flintoff takes the new ball with Steve Harmison, but it is the Durham man who strikes first blood as he has Shane Watson caught at gully. Ponting walks out - thankfully to the dignified applause from both the England players and their fans which is worthy of one of the greatest batsmen of his age - and he is able to shepherd the Australian innings safely to tea.

Indeed, he does more than that after tea, as the Australian innings starts to take off. None of Harmison, Flintoff, James Anderson, Swann nor Panesar can get past either Ponting and Simon Katich. Indeed, Panesar looks positively dejected as Australia look a good deal more secure at 111-1 at the close of play. But Captain Strauss looks cheerful. Commentator Agnew asks why, as he interviews him on BBC Test Match Special. Enigmatically, Strauss just smiles and says that he's read Next Week's Scoreboard and knows what's coming in the rest of the match.

As the Australians leave for their hotel that evening, there is a "media scrum", as England smuggle their secret, missing, ingredient from a taxi into the indoor nets. As he is covered by a blanket, and as the balcony has now been closed off, it's impossible to know who "Big Boy" is.

By the following morning, if the Australian batsmen do not know, they must have a fair idea. Monty Panesar is looking elated, but somewhat tired. Although he was asked by Strauss not to talk to the media, he later admits he was bowling in the nets until five in the morning. Given the first over against Ponting, his second ball turns and bounces. This disconcerts Ponting, who plays no shot to the following delivery. But this ball does not turn, and just thuds sadly into Ponting's front pad. Umpire Billy Bowden raises his finger as confirmation, but Ponting had already walked. The following ball is pitched into the developing rough patch outside Mike Hussey's off-stump. Foolishly, he leaves the ball. It spits from the ground and strikes him on the pad; once again, Bowden confirms the dismissal. Panesar on a hat-trick; Michael Clarke on strike. He confidently takes guard. Monty trots in; Clarke presses forward as the ball floats above his eyeline. But he beaten somehow by the flight of the ball; he is through his shot too early. The ball passes his bat. The ball strikes his back leg, which he has shifted accross to protect his stumps, but this is fooling nobody. Least of Umpire Bowden, who completes a personal hat trick of lbw dismissals, as Northamptonshire twirler Panesar goes berserk.

Up on the England balcony, the door to the dressing room opens. Out steps Bishen Bedi,wearing an England sweater. He looks tired but pleased with his work. It suddenly becomes clear to a crestfallen Ponting who "Big Boy" is.

Australia are in all sorts of trouble at 172-6 at lunch (Ponting 68, Panesar 4-54). But after lunch, some rich hitting from Mitchell Johnson and Brad Haddin, bravely batting with a broken finger, sees the Australians recover, before Flintoff uproots Haddin's off-stump. Eventually, Panesar claims three more wickets, and with an hour to go, Australia are all out for 325. Strauss enforces the follow-on, but the England players are unable to take the field, as a stray sirocco strikes South West London. The groundsmen move quickly, but some sand still gets on the pitch. Climate change, indeed.

Oh, what a Himalayan task it is that is set in front of the Australian batsmen on the morning of the fourth day, as they face up to the daunting task of batting out two days against resurgent spin-twins Panesar and Swann, on a pitch offering turn, bounce and sand, and requiring 415 just to make England bat again. But they start well, and it is 11:35 before Panesar takes his first, catching Watson's outside edge to have him caught at slip. Ponting comes out - to more dignified applause - and he is immediately surrounded by fieldsmen. But he survives a couple of testing overs from Panesar, and in the end, it is Katich who fails; he too edges one that turns and bounces, this time from the last ball of Swann's over.

When Ponting pushes a single off the first ball of Panesar's next over, Hussey faces the unwelcome challenge of avoiding a king pair. Panesar stairs him in the eyes, like a prowling cat. As the ball buzzes through the air, and lands in the rough that outdid him in the first innings, Hussey is faced with Morton's Fork: can he afford to leave the ball and risk a second, humiliating, lbw, or should he play a shot and risk a bat/pad catch? Surely, he would have been out either way, but in the end he is caught by Bell at silly point for his second golden duck of the match.

With the England pacemen struggling with a sand affected ball, progress is slow thereafter. Panesar picks up wickets intermittently, but Ponting is playing well at the other end. By tea, the Australians are on 214 for 5. Panesar takes two more, taking his haul to seven, before Nathan Hauritz digs in with Ponting. Finally, Swann traps Hauritz lbw with one that turns sharply from a Mitchell Johnson foothole, before Panesar traps Siddle in the same fashion the following over. Nine down - surely the Australians cannot hold out?

But with Ponting, now having passed a hundred, taking the bulk of the strike, the England spinners cannot break through. For an hour, Panesar and Swann bowl unchanged. With Ponting on 145, Panesar asks for a break. The ball is thrown to Andrew Flintoff. With his fifth ball, he manages to achieve some reverse swing; the ball starts outside off, but swings in over the last third of the pitch. The tired Ponting is unable to get his bat down on to the ball, and it strikes him on the toe. He is hurting, but this warrior is not ready to give up. He looks up, hoping Bowden will forgive him. But the Kiwi Umpire has made his mind up, and he signals game, set and match with his right index finger. Australia are all out for 317, and England have won the Ashes 2-1.

An hour later, as the light fades, Andrew Strauss holds up the (replica) Ashes in celebration. As the Australians sportingly applaud, there is suddenly the roar of jet engines. The Red Arrows fly past. They use red, blue and white smoke to leave a special message across the sky "THANKS FOR EVERYTHING FREDDIE."

As Henry Blofeld in the TMS commentary box says that this is "really rather splendid", the giant
Lancastrian just stands on the England balcony, nods in appreciation and takes another swig of Boddingtons.

Revenge of the Shermanator

2009-08-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

Having arrived a day early, owing to their bemusement at the idea that an Ashes Test Match could possibly begin on a Friday, both teams feel entirely well prepared as the two captains toss up thirty minutes before play. Ricky Ponting calls incorrectly, and Andrew Strauss decides to bat first as the Sky TV cameras catch a glimpse of dirty cotton wool in the background skies. Will it rain? Only time will tell. In the meantime, Strauss is coy about whether Andrew Flintoff will bowl, or whether he will just play as specialist batsman.

As it happens, the cloud spied by the Sky cameras passes by Headingley and showers Skipton instead, as England make a spectacular start. Mitchell Johnson's run-up is disturbed as the wind broadsides him like a floundering yacht, and he is not able to control the direction of the ball. After three overs, and 38 runs, Ponting asks "Gillespie 05" (as he is now called by his teammates) to take a break. Soon after, with the score on 43 for 0, the rain starts falling. Play is abandoned for the day at 3:30, as the cameras follow a Cocker Spaniel playing in a puddle on the outfield. At least someone is enjoying the unseasonal conditions.

Happily, the players are met with slightly better conditions on Saturday, and play is able to start on time. Alastair Cook is quickly out, as Hilfenhaus gets a ball to straighten into his pad. Ravi Bopara comes to the crease, and then plays and misses Hilfenhaus. He also plays and misses Peter Siddle on three further occasions, before realising that by doing so, he is winding up the Australian bowler. Bopara deliberately plays inside the line of three further balls, and Siddle is incensed. He accelerates his run-up, but loses his rhythm and bowls a giant no-ball. Now furious, he bowls Bopara a long-hop which the Essex man clubs for six. To protect the innocence of viewers who can lip-read, Sky TV take the precaution of pixelating Siddle's mouth during the remainder of the day's television footage.

In any event, Strauss plays solidly during the morning, and whilst Bopara has the occasional scare against the improving Johnson, the Australians are not able to take any further wickets during the morning session. At lunch, England are on 143-1, having added exactly 100 during the morning session.

As the morning comes, so the afternoon follows, and under brightening skies, England progress slowly during the Saturday afternoon session. Having realised they are unlikely to dismiss the English batsmen with an old ball, the Australians decide to bowl negative lines in order to restrict the run-scoring. The only moment of real interest arises when Bopara loses patience with Simon Katich's chinamen, and clubs the Australian into the crowd for a giant six. The ball strikes a man dressed as a racing driver; he makes no effort to evade the ball and he remains unmoved as the ball bounces off his helmet. The only mystery is whether the victim of Bopara's blow is another fancy dress reveller, or whether The Stig has really decided to attend a cricket match. Perhaps we will never know. In any case, England reach 278-1 at tea.

A flurry of wickets fall after tea, as the Australians take the second new ball and the clouds roll in. But England are already well placed, and when the players come off for bad light at 5:30 with England on 343-5, an Australian series victory seems highly remote. And that possibility takes a further nosedive shortly after tea, when the Met Office issues a Severe Weather Warning for the Yorkshire area, promising rain over Headingley during the whole of Sunday and Monday.

And indeed, at 11:30 on Sunday morning, the Australians are sat behind the dressing room window, looking upon a grey Headingley against a grey background. Ponting reflects that the droplets of rain sliding down the pane of glass could just as easily be his tears, as he sees Australia's chances of a series victory slide out of view. Sunday's play is rained off entirely.

But you should never believe Michael Fish, and by 2:00 on Monday, he finds himself batting: after the weather unexpectedly clears up, England declare and Shane Watson promptly departs for a golden duck in the very first over. On his first ball, Ponting faces his a pumped up Steve Harmison. He knows that if he can see off Harmison and build innings, Australia will be safe for this match at least. Unfortunately, he can't: he too is out for a golden duck, and Australia are in a most precarious position at 0-2.

Katich and Michael Hussey try to rebuild the innings against a slightly chaotic England seam-bowling attack, before an inspired bowling change by Andrew Strauss brings another cluster of wickets: in his first over, in spitting rain, Graeme Swann glides a ball through Katich's defensive stroke to hit the stumps, and then three balls later, Hussey is out caught at slip off one that turns and bounces. Michael Clarke is out to Harmison the next over, and the Australian batting card deteriorates further to 42-8. Unfortunately, at that point, it starts raining.

There is great excitement on the next, and final morning. There is speculation about the Australian batting ("Nay, they've now't chance o' survivin'" - Matthew Hoggard). There is speculation about the weather ("We're expecting some areas of unsettled weather in Easterly regions" - Rob McElwee). There is speculation about the England bowling ("My grandmother could play Steve Harmison with a stick of rhubarb" - you know who). It is something of a relief when the reality of play brings an end to the chatter.

Johnson and Siddle bat aggressively to keep the first Australian innings going, and as the Australian total passes 100, there is natural concern that Australia may reach the follow-on total. And when the cloud closes in, Strauss his forced to turn to his slower bowlers in case the light is offered to the Australians. And then; Ian Bell strikes a double blow with his little dobblers. Firstly, Johnson pads up to a ball which swings into him, like a slow-motion of his dismissal to Anderson at Edgbaston, and then the very next ball, Bell curves an in-swinger between Ben Hilfenhaus' bat and pad to rattle the Australian's stumps. Australia are all out for 114, and Strauss naturally decides to enforce the follow-on.

So, it is 11:42, the light is very poor, and Ian Bell and Paul Collingwood are forced to take the new ball. Collingwood takes the first over to Katich, which passes with just one play and miss from the Australian southpaw. Bell runs in gently; he aims the ball half a foot outside Shane Watson's off-stump. Watson raises his bat to leave the ball. But as it enters the batsman's half of the pitch, the ball arcs in, just as it did with Hilfenhaus. This time, the ball thuds into Watson's pad. Bell appeals. The England fielders appeal. The whole of the Western Terrace appeals. After a moment's reflection, Umpire Aleem Dar nods his head, and a further moment later, he raises his right finger. Ian Bell has a Test Match hattrick. Shane Watson has a king pair.

Bell and Collingwood aren't able to take any further wickets in the gloom, so Australia go into lunch on 45-1. As the skies brighten after lunch, Strauss is able to bring back his senior bowlers, who are able to extract pace and bounce on a wearing pitch. Harmison has Ponting caught at short-leg (has the Australian captain got a weakness against the short ball?), and Hussey is caught at third slip off the same bowler. Michael Clarke and Simon Katich dig in, but just before tea, Clarke plays an Anderson in-swinger onto his stumps. As the players tuck into their cheese and pickle sandwiches, the score is 115-4.

In a slightly surprising move, Swann is brought on at the Kirkstall Lane End immediately after tea. He pitches two balls into one of Anderson's footmarks, and they sharply turn away from Marcus North. But the third ball, pitching in the same place, takes no grip and just thumps North's pads, before ricocheting off his gloves into Bell's hands at point. Five down. Two overs later, the same bowler and fieldsman combine again, as Graham Manou falls to an unlucky dismissal: he plays the ball straight onto his boot and up into Bell's hands. Six down. It looks as if England will be able to take an early shower at the scene of Sir Ian Botham's heroics in 1981, but for the second time that day, Mitchell Johnson digs in.

England become desperate, and Andrew Strauss uses all his bowling options. But it is clear Flintoff is not fit to bowl; so, he was playing as a specialist batsman after all. With ten overs to go, Steve Harmison asks to have a bowl. With his third ball, he makes the crucial breakthrough - after his long vigil, Katich is out - caught third slip, just like Hussey. Is there a glimmer of hope for England? Well...yes. The final ball of that over sees Hauritz given lbw to an in-swinging yorker, which he claims he has not seen through the murky light.

With nine overs or two wickets to go, Johnson complains about the light to the umpires as Peter Siddle walks out. Umpire Dar confers with Rudi Koertzen; they discuss the position and Dar holds up his light meter - and they decide to go on with the match. Distracted, Johnson plays no shot to the following delivery from Anderson. Johnson's heart sinks as at first the umpire twitches, before raising his trademark slow finger of death. It looks like the match could come to an immediate conclusion, but Hilfenhaus plays out the over.

One more wicket to go now. Eight overs available. But Siddle plays out Harmison's over too. And Hilfenhaus sees off a tiring Anderson; seven overs remaining. Then six, then five. As the "Overs Remaining" counter on the scoreboard ticks down to three, then two, it seems the Australians are safe. Harmison has six balls left. He bowls with all his might, and with his penultimate ball he traps Siddle in front of all three stumps. But inexplicably, Dar turns the appeal down. So the match goes into the final over.

Injured or not, Andrew Flintoff decides he is taking the over and marks out his run-up. Hilfenhaus cowers at the other end. Can the England colossus get the final wicket? Can the Australians survive to take the series into the final Test Match at the Oval? Well, that would be telling...

Hijacked

2009-07-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

After their lucky win against Northamptonshire, Australia converge on Birmingham with their spirits high. And who can blame them, as the sun beams down on a flat Edgbaston track?

"We'll field" decides Ricky Ponting, after winning the toss.

"Surely that can't be right on a flat deck in the blazing sunshine, Ricky? You do remember what happened in 2005?" queries Paul Allott, who is covering the toss for Sky Sports.

"Well, I know it's right. Because back in my hotel room last night, I had a visitation from the ghost of Don Bradman, and he told me I should definitely field. It was the most amazing experience of my life; I never knew the Don had a mackem accent."

As Shane Warne angrily explains to Sky viewers that this is another "s**thouse decision from a s**t-for-brains captain", Paul Collingwood sits in the England dressing room sniggering.

In any case, a few moments later, Alastair Cook and Ian Bell are batting, Andrew Strauss having decided to move down to three in a reshuffle of a batting order. The change in place seems to suit Bell, as he crafts a series of Johnson half-volleys to the cover point boundary. Ponting changes the bowling around. Between overs, Siddle snarls at Bell like a hungry veloceraptor, but the Englishman is undisturbed and England are attractively placed at 121-0 at lunch.

Things don't get much better for the Australians after lunch. Cook edges Nathan Hauritz to Brad Haddin soon after the break, but Strauss is a more than adequate replacement; 210-1 at tea. Meanwhile, Siddle has lost it, and questions the parentage of each of Strauss, Bell, Ponting and both umpires, all in the space of ten minutes. Bell departs to Hauritz immediately after reaching a triumphant hundred in the evening session, and shortly afterwards, Strauss, Ravi Bopara and Collingwood fall to the new ball in what Jonathan Agnew calls a "mini-collapse"; nevertheless, Matthew Prior and Andrew Flintoff see out the rest of the day, and England are well placed at 345-5.

The weather of the second day is every bit as wonderful as that of the first. After a few minutes, Flintoff is batting with a bead of sweat, as he clouts a series of unworthy deliveries from Johnson to the boundary to set his juices flowing. He cannot stop himself from scoring a hundred before lunch (his favourite - steak and chips). So the day proceeds, and England declare with an hour to go at 602-7 (Flintoff 188, Bell 100). There is just time for Philip Hughes to fall to a Flintoff bouncer, and for Ponting to fall lbw to an Anderson yorker. He complains to the umpire about the decision, but replays clearly show he was out.

Saturday morning is cloudy, and the overcast conditions assist the English swing bowlers. Mike Hussey and Simon Katich play well to keep them out, but after half an hour, Hussey plays no shot to an Anderson in-swinger, and umpire Doctrove raises his finger. Michael Clarke edges the next ball to Flintoff at second slip, and suddenly, Australia are at 78-4. But incoming batsman Shane Watson keeps the England bowlers out until lunchtime.

An ECB press release at Saturday lunchtime explains that Flintoff's knee has worsened, but he intends to play on. After lunch, he shortens his run up to five paces, but still keeps his pace above 90 mph. After three overs, he finally breaks through, making a steepling ball rise into Katich's fingers. The ball flies to Alastair Cook in the gully, and Katich is forced to depart after a composed 68. Once again, one leads to two; and two leads to three, and finally, Siddle has his off-stump uprooted, and Australia are all out for 278. With an hour and a half to go, Strauss decides to enforce the follow-on.

And then the Australians defy the principle that a team following on usually bats better than the first time round. It's not long before they are facing certain defeat at 30-5. Haddin and Clarke dig in, but when they are both snaffled by Flintoff, and when Anderson cleans up Hauritz and Siddle in successive deliveries, it looks as if England may finish the job in three days. But at 79-9, the clouds draw in and the last two Australian batsmen gratefully accept the light. Surely, though, it will not take England long to win on the fourth day.

But overnight, a storm rolls in from the Welsh hills, and in its tail lies hours of persistent drizzle. This is especially unfortunate for Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who decided Sunday would be the best day to be seen at the cricket. He spends the whole day looking miserably across the ground as the rain continues. He wonders to himself why people enjoy cricket so much.

Brown comes back on Monday, but the weather is still poor. Again, drizzle wipes out the morning session. There is some anxiety building in the England dressing-room, who know they need just one more wicket - but can they get out on to the pitch to take it?

Finally, the rain stops at 3:10, and Steve Rouse's team burst into action. Squeegy machines are lorried in from the county grounds at Worcestershire, Nottinghamshire, Leicestershire and Northamptonshire to support the operation. It's a race against both time and elements; but after an epic effort by the groundsmen and a final inspection by the umpires, it is decided that just three overs of play will be possible on the final day.

But oh no: what is this? Another press release from the ECB; Flintoff's knee has worsened. He is unable to run at all. The press release reads on: as he has carried the knee injury into the match, Ponting has declined the England management's sensible suggestion of a substitute fieldsman, so they have decided Flintoff will have to field at slip.

At the resumption, all nine fielders crowd around Johnson. Jimmy Anderson is given the first of the three overs. His very first ball is an in-swinger which strikes Johnson on the pad; but Umpire Doctrove declines the vociferous appeal. The rest of the over passes harmlessly, frustratingly, outside the off-stump. The next over is given to Graeme Swann, but the closest he comes to a wicket is an edge off Hilfenhaus' bat which lands just in front of slip.

At the end of the over, Prior throws Flintoff the ball for him pass on to Anderson, so that he can bowl the final over. But Flintoff does not pass it on; he has decided to bowl himself. He cannot run, so has to stand rooted at the return crease, using his immense upper body strength to bowl at any pace. Johnson is surprised by the pace of his first ball, at 85.7 mph, but he can let it go outside the off-stump. The second and third are quicker, but Johnson can defend. The fourth ball hits 90 mph. The ball strikes Johnson's pad, but Flintoff's appeal is curtailed when he realises the ball has pitched outside the off stump. Amazingly, off no run-up at all, Flintoff bowls the fifth ball at 93 mph. Johnson flails outside the off stump, but the ball just misses his bat. One more ball to go now.

Flintoff goes to Strauss, and explains that he thinks he can manage his full run-up for just one ball. One final effort to bring victory to England. He charges in, raises his arm, and that's it, he bowls. The ball passes outside Johnson's leg stump, through to 'keeper Prior. Johnson celebrates the draw, but as he tries to shake hands with Cook at silly-point, he sees Umpire Doctrove's arm out. No ball. One more delivery to go.

Flintoff comes in again. This time the ball is straighter. Johnson follows the line of the ball, but as it pitches, the ball deviates off the seam. It catches the inside edge of his bat, and knocks out his off stump. Flintoff is stunned; Johnson is stunned. They look into each other's eyes in silence. But the moment is brief, and no sooner has the connection been made, than Flintoff is mobbed by his teammates.

Later on, Gordon Brown smiles as presents the nPower man-of-the-match award to the Lancastrian colossus.

"And now, Andrew, here is your cheque for £5,000 from nPower. But I have a special surprise for you" smiles the prime minister.

"A crate of Boddingtons?" responds an excited Flintoff.

"No" says Brown, gesturing with a waft of his arm to the sky to the West of Birmingham. And at that moment, a red helicopter comes through the sunset. It flies quickly in, and lands on the sodden Edgbaston outfield. The pilot jumps out and opens the door. Gingerly, out steps Her Majesty the Queen. She approaches Flintoff.

"Right, let's get this over with. Down on your knees, please" she orders Flintoff.

"But I haven't done anything to deserve this!" pleads the Lancastrian.

"Cut the cr&p, fat boy. I don't want to do this any more than you do, but it's the Prime Minister's wish and royal protocol requires me to do what he says. I don't need to tell you what happened to the last person who disobeyed the Monarch."

Flintoff finally acquiesces and kneels before her. Her Majesty draws a sword from within her frock and taps him on both shoulders. As the crowd roars, she says those fateful words: "Arise, Sir Andrew!"

A day in the life of...

2009-07-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

...Ricky feels the heat burning into his skin. The pressure is bearing down on him. He crouches down at slip as Siddle ran in, the ball pitches, and clonk, that's it. The crowd erupts to salute Monty Panesar as he reaches his double hundred. With Jimmy Anderson also in three figures, and England on 892 for 9, Australia are in trouble...deep trouble...deep trouble...

"Ricky, Ricky, wake up mate. You're having a dream."

...Ricky rolls over, and his sweat-sodden bedclothes immediately shake him awake. He looks up at the alarm clock. 3:00 am. He has been having the same nightmare every night since the conclusion of the First Test Match at Cardiff. He takes a drink from the glass of water on his bedside table, and tries to get back to sleep. He knows he has a big day ahead of him. It is the last day of the Second Test Match at Lords, and Australia are battling to avoid defeat. Tired, he slips away into another bout of disturbed sleep.

---

Fifteen minutes before play, and it's time for the team song, to the theme tune of Neighbours.

"Teammates; everybody needs good teammates;

With a little understanding;

You can find the perfect friend;

Teammates..."

And so on. Ricky knows most of the team feel the lyrics are a tad unimaginative, and feel a bit uncomfortable singing anyway, but he doesn't want to hurt the feelings of Michael Clarke, who is in charge of the team song.

As he sings on with a plastered smile, Ricky drifts away. He contemplates the Australian position in the match: a few minutes before the start of the fifth and final day, and Australia are in some difficulty: Australia failed in their first innings with 233 all out (Harmison 5-48, Swann 3-20), and by the fourth day England declared on 455 for 5, with a commanding lead of 222. Realistically, a draw is the best the Australians can manage on the final day.

---

Sitting on the balcony, Ricky looks up at the clock on the giant video screen. 11:12am. Hughes has not lasted long, predictably falling to a short one in Harmison's second over. With Australia in trouble, it is time for him to bat.

He gets up, and walks purposely downstairs. His spikes crunch against the wooden floor of the Lords Long Room. He feels a sense of history as he walks amongst the artifacts and paintings. But then he shudders, as he makes eye contact with Douglas Jardine's portrait.

He emerges into the sunshine and he knows he's got to have a good day with the bat if Australia are to have any chance to save the match. As he approaches the crease, Kevin Pietersen winks at him.

Umpire Aleem Dar gives him a middle and leg guard, and he scrapes his guard in the ground like a donkey scratching at the dust. Beneath his helmet, he looks around at the field: three slips, gully, mid off, third man, short leg, mid on and deep fine leg.

At the end of his mark, Harmison starts his run. At first, a walk. Then a canter. Then, a gallop, with the Durham man's arms and legs flaying everywhere. Finally, the leap. Ponting hates that leap because he knows what is coming next. He presses half forward, but the ball is just short of a length, so he takes a step back. But the ball is heading for his nose. He tries to get out of the way - but fails. Then he feels the agony as the ball presses his right thumb onto the handle of his bat. He squeals in pain as the ball flies high into the off-side. "Catch it!" goes up the cry.

At gully, a Swann is in full flight. Leaping high to his left, he clutches at the ball: but in the tension of the situation, he grasps too greedily, and is only able to parry the ball into the air. But Alastair Cook at the third slip is alive to the situation, and he takes an easy catch. Ricky Ponting realises his fate and walks sadly back to the pavilion, his hand still wringing.

---

Back in the field, now. 5:20 pm. Australia have just about scrabbled past the England total with a scrappy fifty from Michael Hussey, but now in the final evening, England are chasing a modest target of 36 to win the match. But Australia have, at least, made in-roads into the England innings, with Hilfenhaus sending Cook and Bopara back to the pavilion in the first over. But now, Pietersen is making short work of the remaining runs, and England just need three runs to win.

As Ricky stands at slip, Nathan Hauritz stands at the end of his mark, tossing off-spinners to himself. How Ricky wished he had access to Shane Warne; he was a great leg-spinner, and even if did have a problem with flatulence, he was great to have round the dressing room. As Hauritz trotted in, Ricky realises he is day-dreaming and tries to focus. He stares hard at the disco-lights attached by Pietersen to the back of his bat, which caused so much controversy during his first innings 158.

Hauritz floats the ball up. As he does so, Pietersen brings his right leg round into the stance of a left-hander. But this is no switch-hit: it is something new. He reaches forth to play a reverse shovel-sweep, and lifts the ball over Ricky's head at slip. Ricky sees the Duke emblem on the ball as it flies past his nose, but he is too slow. The ball has flown past him and the crowd cheer as it goes over the rope for the final time. England have won by eight wickets.

---

6:30 now, and Ricky is in the post-match press conference.

"Hard luck Ricky. But where did you think Australia lost it?" asks Jonathan Agnew.

"Well firstly, I would like to congratulate England on their performance. After an aberration in Cardiff, it is now obvious that they are better than us."

"Do you think you will make any changes in personnel for the Third Test Match?" presses Agnew.

"I will keep pestering Warne to come out of retirement, but it's a long shot. He is being paid a lot of money by Sky."

---

It is now 11:45, and apart from Brett Lee's snoring, all is quiet in Ricky's dormitory.

He is just drifting off to sleep, when he hears a muffled but tinny rendition of Waltzing Matilda coming from beneath his pillow. His 'phone is ringing. Dreading another late night rollicking from Kevin Rudd, he answers.

"Who is this?"

"Sorry to disturb you Ricky, it's the Australian Embassy. I'm afraid we've got a problem. Mitchell Johnson's been picked up by the police. Apparently he had a few too many tinnies at the Walkabout, saw a Sky Sports poster of Kevin Pietersen on the tube home and just started laying into it. First he started abusing it, then he really lost it and started kicking and punching it. He's really lost it. I don't suppose you could come and pick him up from the police station?"

"OK, I'm on my way."

He lies back on his pillow, closes his eyes and thinks of Tasmania.

Old friends

2009-07-04T12:12:00.000-07:00

As the clean sun plays down on the captains, Ricky Ponting calls wrongly, and Andrew Strauss decides to bat. The captains announce the following teams:

England: Strauss (*), Cook, Bopara, Pietersen, Collingwood, Prior (+), Flintoff, Broad, Swann, Anderson, Panesar

Australia: Hughes, Katich, Ponting (*), Hussey, Clarke, North, Haddin (+), Warne, Johnson, Siddle, Clark

Asked about the inclusion of a certain SK Warne, Strauss shrugs his shoulders and just says "Oh, we found out this was coming last month. We've been practising against Merlin all morning. That whole business about the Sky commentating contract was a cover set up by Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch is, after all, Australian."

"How did you know?" asks Nasser Hussain, who is conducting the interview for Sky.

"Well, Murdoch's got an Australian accent."

"Actually Andrew I was wondering how you knew Warne was making a comeback."

"I can't tell you that without endangering the lives of British operatives working overseas."

In any event, a few moments later the England skipper is facing up to a steamed up Mitchell Johnson. With his partner in crime Peter Siddle, Johnson makes early incisions into the England batting line up, and by 11:30, England seem to be in a precarious position at 30-2, with Ravi Bopara and Kevin Pietersen at the crease. And in that unhappy circumstance, what worse sight could there be but to see Shane Warne mark out his run up? But at 12:00, the bleach-blonde tells Ponting he is "knackered", and goes off to put his feet up. The England men hold firm until lunch; as Andrew Flintoff helps himself to a second helping of bangers and mash, England are on 88 -2. The afternoon session sees more runs to the increasingly bold England batsmen, but thirty minutes into the session, Bopara prods forward to an away swinger from Johnson and is caught by Ponting at slip. It is Paul Collingwood's turn to bat.

But it is not the Durham carrot-top who walks out. Instead, the crowd cheer as they see a familiar lope to the crease. The commentators are confused. As he reaches the crease, the tall batsman chirps "Afternoon boys" with a suggestion of a Yorkshire accent in his tone. But Ricky Ponting is in no mood to exchange pleasantries.

"What the hell are you doing out here? Paul Collingwood's name was on the teamsheet Andrew Strauss gave me this morning."

"Yes, that's me."

"No it's not. You're not Paul Collingwood, you're Michael Vaughan."

"You probably remember me as Michael Vaughan, but I changed my name to 'Paul Collingwood' by deed poll last week. Andy Flower and I hit upon the name change thing as a way of giving you guys a surprise. I just couldn't resist one last test match. Aren't you pleased to see me again after all this time?" asks the former England skipper.

"Michael, you can't..."

"My name's not Michael."

"Sorry, Paul, you can't do this. You retired last week."

"Like Shane Warne retired last year, you mean?"

After an ECB statement explaining the situation, the TMS pressbox decide that to avoid confusion with the batsman more usually known as Paul Collingwood, he should be known as "The Batsman Formerly Known As Vaughan", or "TBFKA Vaughan" forthwith. In any case, he and Pietersen prosper against increasingly rattled Australian bowling, and England close the day on 355-3 (Pietersen 135*, TBFKA Vaughan 106*). A good day's work.

The second day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

The third day is met with more promising weather, but the Australians are unsettled. They have only arrived ten minutes before play, as the team bus from the Youth Hostel was delayed by a flock of Herdwicks standing in the road just outside Cardiff. As the sun rebounds off the dewy outfield in the lead up towards the start of play, there is another surprise for the Australians: in a highly aggressive move, England have declared on their overnight total.

Once again, the Australians are rattled, and it is not long before Phillip Hughes skies a Stuart Broad bouncer into the waiting hands of Monty Panesar. The ball spills out as he trips over his shoe-laces, but it somehow remains lodged in his trousers, and the batsman is given out. 13-1 becomes 15-2 as in the next over, Ricky Ponting edges Jimmy Anderson to Flintoff at second slip. So it goes on, and at lunch, the Australians are on 66-6. Could they miss the follow on? Surely not.

As the afternoon session opens up, Anderson continues to attack the Australian batting, now represented by Haddin and Siddle. But Siddle shows the Australian top order how it should be done, and Anderson tires. Strauss gestures for Graeme Swann to join Panesar in the bowling line up, and the rewards are immediate. No wicket falls, but Swann's second ball bites and turns to strike an agonised Haddin in what may be delicately described as the "nether regions". It becomes clear the Australian neglected to put his box back on when he came back out after lunch. Whoops, Bradley.

The Australian wicket-keeper bravely soldiers on, but unwilling to make the same mistake twice, he plays at a Panesar delivery that should properly have been left. Strauss makes a difficult catch at slip look easy. Haddin's dismissal unlocks the door to the Australian lower order; they have no answer against the clever spin of Panesar and Swann on a crumbling pitch, and they are finally dismissed for a very poor 123. Strauss decides to enforce the follow on.

Second time round, the Australian batting is a little more robust. Hughes and Simon Katich bat well to score 119 for the first wicket, but Broad again dismisses Hughes, and in the following over, Panesar's arm-ball sinks Ricky Ponting. By the close of play, the Australians are precariously positioned at 136 for 2. England need another eight wickets; their counterparts need another 96 runs, but that's just to make the Englishmen bat again.

The fourth day is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

Happily, the fifth day is bathed in a beautiful, golden, sunshine of a type which almost seems to thank the England spin bowlers for their treasured performances. For Strauss decides to open up with Swann and Panesar, and they do not take long to inflict further wounds into the Australians. Bounding in like a high jumper, Panesar is able to extract turn and bounce from the wearing Cardiff track, and even if his tricks are not enough to remove Katich, the psychological effect surely is. For he charges Panesar, misses altogether and Matt Prior removes the bails. Clarke edges the very next ball to Strauss at slip, and Marcus North is forced to defend the hat-trick ball. He just about manages that, but the next over sees him sky Swann to TBFKA Vaughan. However, just as it is looking like England will win by lunchtime, Haddin and Hussey dig in. They chip away at the deficit, and finally, the Australians are sitting fairer at 198-4 at lunch.

For the first hour after lunch, the Australians proceed without alarm. Panesar and Swann are bowling well, but they just can't find the magic ball. In desperation, Strauss turns to TBFKA Vaughan: "Paul, you were a brilliant captain in the 2005 Ashes. Now I want to become a captaincy master. Graeme Swann and Monty Panesar can't make the vital breakthrough. What must I do?"

The Yorkshireman breathes deeply through his nose and closes his eyes, crunching the lines on his forehead, and flinching his little ears. In a throaty voice, he just says "Patient you must be".

Strauss walks away in awe, and decides to keep the spinners going. And finally, Swann strikes: Hussey is half-forward to an arm-ball, the ball strikes his pad with a deathly thud, and the umpire's finger is inevitable. And Johnson follows soon later, advancing down the pitch to a Swann off-break, running right past it and seeing his stumps dismembered by the England 'keeper. Wicket after wicket follows, until finally, Australia are all out for 255.

24 to win? No problem, sir. Andrew Strauss decides to promote TBFKA Vaughan in to open the batting, as it is his final test match. With the score placed on 22 for 0, Warne hops in to bowl at the former England captain. The round Australian floats up a flighted leg-break. But it is a foot or so too full. TBFKA Vaughan presses half-forward for a moment. He narrows his eyes as he focuses. He hovers momentarily before fully committing his body weight forward. As the ball lands, the centre of his soft, wooden, blade collects the ball and catapults it through the covers. Ponting at extra cover is just too slow, and dives over the ball. Johnson sprints round from the cover boundary to try to cut it off, diving forward to intercept cricketing destiny. He just reaches the ball with his fingertips, but inevitably, his effort is not enough. The ball trickles to the boundary and the match is won.

As the batsmen meander back to the pavilion, against the red sun setting down to rest over the pavilion, the Welsh crowd rise in unison to salute a departing warrior. They say nothing, but the message is clear: thank you, Paul, for being one of the greatest batsmen of your age, and one of the greatest test captains ever.