Wednesday 22 May 2013

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It is 6 degrees celcius, at Headingley, but it is not raining and play starts on time.  There is a rousing cheer from the crowd as home town favourite Tim Bresnan is preferred to Middlesex's Steven Finn.

England win the toss and decide to bat, but as a bad start is made as England slip to 48-5.  However, Matt Prior and his wicketkeeping sidekick Jonny Bairstow respond stirringly, hitting 100 from as many minutes.  But when the carrot-topped White Roseman is out, trying to hit Daniel Vettori into the River Aire, England subside; they are 254 all out just before tea.

But James Anderson is at his terrible best when the clouds roll in, and of course in Yorkshire, the clouds never roll away. New Zealand are dismissed for 46.  Alistair Cook orders the follow-on, hoping for a first day victory, but Hamish Rutherford and Peter Fulton are able to keep out Anderson and Stuart Broad until close of play.

The second and third days are, unfortunately, lost to rain.

The fourth day is played out under leaden skies. Rutherford and Fulton play well, and are able to frustrate the England bowlers. Indeed, they are able to frustrate the Headingley crowd, and the stewards in the newly named James Herriot stand (formerly the West Stand, but renamed in order to promote more genteel behaviour) are forced to step in, when Cook is called a Southern ponce.

However, Joe Root is eventually able to dismiss Fulton by pitching the ball into one of Neil Wagner's foot holes, the ball leaping into his gloves and into the waiting hands of  Ian Bell at silly point. When Kane Williamson is bowled through the gate by the next ball, it appears England are on to something, and so it is that Root and Graeme Swann bowl most of the afternoon.  Progress is still slow, however, and by the mid-afternoon, New Zealand have reached the England score. By close of play, no further wicket has been obtained, and New Zealand are at 203 runs ahead.

The next (and final) morning sees a surprise: New Zealand declare overnight. Brendon McCullum explains that Leeds is perennially overcast, and the Meteorological Office has forecast rain at 11:45, so they'd might as well have a go.  Unfortunately for him and his fellow New Zealanders, David Steele turns up at the ground at 10:55, and the sun comes out again - much as it did when he arrived at Lords.  After a spirited innings from Nick Compton, England knock the runs off and win the match by nine wickets at 12.58.  Following the conclusion of the match, Steele leaves the ground and it starts to rain.  It stops on 26 June.

Monday 13 May 2013

He is cricket

Speaking through an interpreter, Brendon McCullum explains that New Zealand will bowl first on a Lords pitch.  He says that the weather has made him feel like he is at home.

Unfortunately for McCullum and his ill fated team-mates, at 11:15, David Steele arrives at the ground, and the sun comes out as a result. Batting becomes an easy business for the England openers, and whilst Travis Boult and Neil Wagner show enthusiasm, they also show inadequacy.  There are only two breakthroughs for New Zealand during the first morning, and on both occasions it is when Steele is on the gentleman's. Recognising the problem, Fanny in the long room refuses to serve him any more Earl Grey until Cook has reached 150. Which he does, shortly after tea. The score 376 for 4 at close of play.  There is special delight for Jonny Bairstow, who scores his maiden test century.

The second day is, however, a better one for New Zealand, under some threatening clouds. England collapse to 415 for 8, before Geoff Miller explains to the agog England dressing room that he will recall Ravi Bopara unless England score 450.

Stuart Broad responds in shock and awe: "Please...no...not..." and he turns to Graeme Swann, "Graeme, we must bat resolutely in order to avoid this awful fate." Eventually, England declare on 555 for 8, Miller clapping warmly from the England balcony, as Swann and Broad walk back up the pavilion steps, bathing in the milk of applause from men wearing silly jackets and silly ties.

But at they step into the Long Room, the hanging baskets that, um, hang from the pavilion sway a little, as a gust of wind passes. The skies darken; the gust becomes a wind; the wind becomes a tornado.  It starts to rain.  It carries on raining; for two days it rains.

The true cause of the deluge is, ultimately, unexplained. Russell Grant explains that God is displeased by the playing of Test Match Cricket in England in the month of May, whereas Jonathan Cainer suggests it is more likely to be that He is making a point about allowing Australians to play their version of football on the square at The Oval. For her part Mystic Meg says that destiny is a young man from Essex holding up a little urn in late August.

There is only one point all of the astrologists are clear on, after England have won by an innings and 32 runs late on the final day: God enjoys cricket.