Tuesday 25 May 2010

Crime never pays

Tamim Iqbal: what a splendid player he is. After Shakib al Hasan calls correctly, he opens up against lanky England paceman Steven Finn. Finn gets one to rise outside off-stump, and Tamim effortlessly guides the ball into the crowds behind third man Eoin Morgan. This is the foretaste of an innings of innocent magnificent from Tamim, and he is richly applauded as he reaches his century on the last ball before lunch. 167-1.

His stay after lunch is short-lived, though, as Graeme Swann is able to trap him in front of middle, as he attempts a reverse scoop-sweep. The procession of batsman following his dismissal is reminiscent King George VI's funeral, as Bangladeshi after Bangladeshi plays inadequate shots against aggressive bowling from the England seamers. By teatime, 167-1 has morphed to 219-7.

But at tea time, something happens that will change the course of cricketing history. In the Lords Room, the England players applaud, as unveiled is a beautiful portrait of Mike Gatting helping himself to some Victoria Sponge. But it is not that which is important: back in the changing rooms is mischief is undertaken. Mohammed Ashraful has smuggled in some special chilli powder, and empties the entire pot into the pasta bake eaten by the England bowlers. Within seconds of tucking into their fodder, the fast bowling thoroughbreds are reduced to tears. Even Tim Bresnan, with his big tummy, is unable to resume the field of play.

After Bangladesh coach Jamie Siddons admits he was behind the prank, Rule 168.27 of the Laws of Cricket is instigated. Keen followers of cricket will know this reads:

"If any player knowingly interferes with the gastrointestinal tract of an opposition player then he shall be guilty of an offence, and five penalty runs shall be awarded to the opposition team."

This has the interesting effect that England start their innings before the conclusion of the Bangladeshi innings. But the joy of that paradox, and indeed the award of five runs, is scant reward for an England team denied its premier bowlers. After trying Ravi Bopara, Ian Bell, Kevin Pietersen and Alistair Cook, Andrew Strauss turns to Morgan in desperation. Morgan admits he hasn't bowled before, but says he will have a go. He limbers up, with a fluid motion, and releases the ball with a mild tweak. The ball grips on the pitch and catches the edge of Ashraful's bat. The ball leaps to silly point, and England are on their way again. In the next over, Bopara finishes off the Bangladesh innings, at 267. England amass 43-1 before the day is closed by bad light. Andrew Strauss is outwitted by Rubel Hussain, despite the Bangladeshi's increasing irritation at being called "Barney" by his teammates.

Friday is, unfortunately, lost to rain.

Saturday is, however, splendid. Under the brilliant sunlight, the Tigers' bowlers struggle to maintain a consistent line and length, and Ian Bell milks boundary after boundary. Try as they might, the Bangladeshis are unable to contain him. The cameras zoom into his face, and Sky lip-readers observe him repeatedly saying "I may have ginger hair, but if I work on my game I can be at least as good as Ricky Ponting". It later transpires that this is part of his new hypnotic treatment to improve his confidence. Anyway, it works: by teatime he has guided England pass Bangladesh's score, to 302-2.

They say that a child born on the Sabbath Day is bonny and blithe and good and gay. But there is nothing of that nature in Sunday's play at Lords. What a miserable day of play it is, as Abdur Razzak continuously fires the ball from outside the leg-stump into the England batsmen's pads. Most of the England batsmen play safe, and it is only Kevin Pietersen who can find a way to combat the tactic, with his innovative reverse cover drive. But England grind their way to a sizable first innings lead: they eventually declare exactly 300 runs ahead of Bangladesh on 567-7, just after tea. An early close is caused by more bad light without Bangladesh losing any wickets.

So, it's the final day. Monday morning. Can England take the ten wickets needed to win victory at headquarters? How will the England bowlers claim their revenge against Ashraful's dastardly behaviour? Will David Cameron visit Lords? How many wickets will Eoin Morgan take, with his newly developed left-arm spinners?

So many questions.

So few answers.

Saturday 22 May 2010

NWS - An Apology

It will not have evaded any of Next Week's Scoreboard's esteemed readership that this website did not cover the England Tour of Bangladesh, which took place earlier this year.

This post intends to both apologise for and explain the omission.

NWS is aware that this omission will have upset - perhaps even unbalanced - its readers. It is also aware just how many people rely on this website in order to plan their televisual viewing. With all that in mind, NWS is truly sorry for not previewing the two test matches in question. It will not happen again (well, certainly not until the next time, anyway).

The national press has tried to explain why this happened. Michael Atherton in the The Times thought it was a protest against Bangladesh holding Test Match status, whilst The Telegraph interpreted NWS' silence as a statement that a prediction of a Test Match involving Bangladesh was unnecessary. On the airwaves, Jonathan Agnew on TMS thought it could have been because the writer of NWS had moved house and didn't have access to a computer, whilst Nasser Hussain on Sky said it was because he was admitted to hospital for a hernia repair. The on-screen graphics demonstrating the operation looked painful.

Whilst there is some truth in all four of these explanations, a far more serious concern was at the heart of NWS's failure to publish. NWS has always been aware of its responsibility not to disturb the space-time continuum by letting the players know in advance what is going to happen in the matches in which they play.

But now, a new peril has become known to NWS. It transpires that illegal bookmakers have been relying on the accuracy and clarity of NWS' predictions to make huge sums of money. This was discovered after William Hill reported irregular betting patterns to NWS, following the conclusion of the South Africa tour. Happily, close cooperation between NWS, the ECB and the Indian Police led to the successful conviction last week of the ringleader of an illegal betting circle in Mumbai.

(Naturally, NWS couldn't publish this apology any earlier, as that could have prejudiced the court case.)

Anyway, now the villains are behind bars, roll on the Bangladesh Tour of England, 2010.