Changes

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself" - Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist and mystic (1828-1910)

"'Underprepared' is how I would describe this pitch," comments Sir Ian Botham, explaining to the already tortured Sky viewers just how difficult it will be to bat on a green Johannesburg track, "and any captain worth his salt will want to bowl first on this. He'll be asking his bowlers to aim at this area, just short of a length, where you can see a bloom of mushrooms has grown under the plastic covers."

Well, Graeme Smith is worth his salt as captain, and when Andrew Strauss calls incorrectly, he does indeed insert England. Smith sneers as Strauss looks him in the eye, thanks him and adds that he is looking forward to a good match. Smith goes back to his dressing room and tells Morne Morkel and Dale Steyn that he wants to hear Alastair Cook squeal with pain.

Smith's plan bears fruit very quickly. Strauss and Cook defend as well as they can, but debutant Wayne Parnell rattles Strauss' stumps with a ball that holds its off-stump line. Well done that lad: Wasim Akram would have been proud of that ball.

Cook follows the next over to a good one from Steyn, and Kevin Pietersen is brought to the crease. As he plays and misses his first three balls, he is left to reflect that the angry mob of young men who tormented his walk through the tunnel to the crease could just as easily be a metaphor for the demons running around his head.

"Out here, we either fight or we die" says fellow batsman Jonathan Trott. Pietersen pauses a moment, and then stops shaking. He walks back to his mark to face Steyn once more. The ball is on a length just outside on off-stump; the audience pause to see if he will play or leave. But a moment later they gasp, as he gets down on one knee, and sweeps the ball for six, in the style of England one day great Malachy Loye. As the ball flies through the thin air, the anxiety is almost visibly seen to leave Pietersen, like a cloud passing from a granite Welsh hilltop. By lunch, England are on 147-2 (Pietersen 85*, Trott 32*). Smith berates his bowlers.

Although Pietersen falls soon after lunch for an entertaining 109, his innings has by itself directed the flow of the match, and by close of play, England are looking in good shape on 347-5 (Trott Pietersen 109, Trott 128, Parnell 3-48).

On the second day, the ground is abuzz with speculation, following Paul Collingwood's inflammatory comments in The Johannesburg Telegraph that he is planning to "set his stall out" and bat out for the remaining four days for a draw. The South Africans are rattled, and the Sky cameras spy heated exchanges between Smith and Mickey Arthur before play. In any event, the conclusion of Smith and Arthur's "discussion" is that the England batsmen will be surrounded by close fieldsmen. This aggressive field placings enable overnight batsmen Collingwood and Matthew Prior to get off to a flyer, scoring 74 off the first ten overs, before Collingwood eventually starts giggling and admits the whole story about batting out the match was just a wind-up. Normal field settings then resume, but England have the initiative. They press on through the day, with Stuart Broad clouting a quickfire 72. England declare on 646 for 8, with ten overs of the day remaining.

Back in the Proteas' dressing room, Smith is furious with his bowlers. But he looks slightly foolish a few moments later, when he is trapped in front by a splendid ball from Graham Onions, that dips into the South African captain's pads at the last moment. Hashim Amla cannot do anything with the next ball, which pitches on middle and leg before swinging late to glide past his defensive shot onto his off-stump. Jacques Kallis keeps out the hat-trick ball though, and the South Africans are on 32-2 at the close of play. Back in the dressing room, Kallis jokes with Smith that even if Collingwood won't bat out the match, Kallis might; Smith guffaws, before pausing a moment to check that Kallis is actually joking.

By day 3, the sun and the wind have combined to relax the pitch at the Bull Ring, and the local South African crowd are treated to some excellent cricket. England bowl well, with Graeme Swann intelligently exploiting Parnell's foot-holes; but the South Africans bat better, and in the course of the day, England are only able to take four wickets. The accuracy of England's bowlers enable them to restrict the scoring, however, and whilst Jacques Kallis does score 124, he does take almost the entire day in doing so. It's not quite clear which team this benefits, but South Africa look safe at 378-6 (Kallis 124, Prince 99). The more significant question seems to be whether they can put England under any degree of pressure in the remaining two days.

Day 4 also seems some interesting cricket. The South African lower order bats with enterprise, and it's not long before the surpass the follow-on target 447. Since by that stage, South Africa are nine wickets down, there seems little point in continuing and Smith declares. So: England are 199 runs ahead, with five and a half sessions to play. South African hopes of victory are soon raised, as Strauss and Cook again fail: surely Collingwood won't be required to play another long one? Well, not immediately anyway, as Trott and Pietersen once again play enduring innings. This is a different sort of an innings from Pietersen though - it is clear he wants to grind the South Africans down. Likewise, nothing seems to break Trott's concentration. Even when tempers flare between Pietersen and Ashwell Prince (following some unsavoury "sledging" from Prince about Pietersen's golden retriever), Trott gazes calmly into the mid-distance, with that Mona Lisa half-smile so reminiscent of Duncan Fletcher. Trott is finally dismissed for 99, but following a rare Collingwood failure Ian Bell accompanies Pietersen to the close.

The final day is a miserable one for the South Africans. England finally declare an hour before tea, setting the South Africans exactly 500 to win in exactly 50 overs. James Anderson sees that Smith completes his pair, before the game is declared a draw as a thunderstorm rolls in. Smith wonders if the reaction by The Johannesburg Telegraph to the series defeat will also be thunderous.

Smith smiles politely at the presentation ceremony, but somewhere inside, he is suddenly struck by sadness. He realises he's been a fool for the previous seven years. Yes, he'd been trying to improve his team; perhaps even to inspire the Rainbow Nation as a whole in some way. But where has is left him? An embittered man, playing bitter and ill-spirited cricket. Was this it? He suddenly realised that despite all that history: the early years with the Pollock brothers, international isolation, re-emergence, and the Hansie Cronje affair, no lessons had been learned. But there it was, before him: the Basil D'Oliveira Trophy. The name said it all. Suddenly, Smith understood why people played cricket, and resolved to make a change.

G11

As the weather section in The Cape Town Sun will tell you, it's difficult to predict the weather down South. The clouds can roll down Table Mountain and envelop the ground in a matter of minutes. So, whilst the downpour forty-five minutes before play was due to begin was unpredicted, it might be misleading to say it was unexpected. In any case, the toss is delayed as both captains re-assess their team options.

But at 3.45 pm, Graeme Smith is able to lob his Rand coin high in the air at the toss. Andrew Strauss calls heads; but the coin lands tails up, and Smith is forced to choose. He elects to bat - a decision he will come to regret. Then, both captains explain their selection decisions; Strauss explains that England have been forced into a difficult selection: Graeme Smith is still piqued at the revelation in The Cape Town Sun that Paul Collingwood actually injured his finger sabotaging the South African team bus - not in a team warm-up as claimed - so he has refused to let England use the Newlands outfield to allow Collingwood to demonstrate his fitness. So Strauss and Andy Flower have decided to play safe and leave him out. Luke Wright is the beneficiary of Collingwood's misery. On the Protean side, there is an outbreak of common sense as Makhaya Ntini makes way for Friedel de Wet.

In the very first over, Smith is poleaxed by an Anderson in-swinger, so reminiscent of Matthew Hoggard's pearler years before. The resulting lbw decision is the first of a cluster of wickets which fall on the first day: Anderson takes three, and Luke Wright claims two of his own as South Africa slump to a hapless 108-7 at the close of play. The bellwether of the South African batting line-up, Jacques Kallis, top edges a wide long-hop from Luke Wright to Matthew Prior. Coach Andy Flower notes that Wright has a knack of taking wickets with bad balls. He can't think of who last did that on a regular basis, but he is sure there was somebody.

The second day crowd is treated to more clement weather. The crowd is dominated by a tired Barmy Army. The South African tail puts up good resistance to the England fast bowling attack, and eventually the Proteas are dismissed for 185. Well under par, but as they had been 96-7, they couldn't really grumble. Well, actually Graeme Smith does grumble, but even by his own standards he looks churlish in doing so.

Alastair Cook and Strauss make a steady start against Dale Steyn and Morne Morkel. England are well placed at 51-0, when Strauss edges de Wet to AB de Villiers at second slip, ten minutes before lunch. Unfortunately for Jonathan Trott, just a few moments prior to the dismissal, nature had called - a problem which will dog him throughout his long England career. As Trott sits helplessly behind a door marked "Engaged", Ian Bell gratefully walks to bat at three. Despite Jacques Kallis' unnecessary jibes that he resembles Jimmy Krankie, Bell makes it through to lunch with his wicket undisturbed.

Sadly for England, a succession of wickets fall in the afternoon and at tea, England look ill-positioned at 145-4. A succession of batsmen play outside the wrong line to balls from Paul Harris, on the incorrect assumption that he is a spin bowler. In fact, he is later forced to admit he's just a slow bowler, but by then it's too late for Messrs Cook, Trott and Pietersen. Never mind: the evening session brings an England recovery the stewardship of three lions, Ian Bell, Matthew Prior and Stuart Broad. There is, however, further excitement at the end of the second day: Broad's off-stump is removed by a Steyn yorker. This brings debutant Wright to the crease. His first ball is a half-volley outside off-stump; he is unsure how to respond. England are in a tight position and he has been told by Andy Flower to look after his wicket, but the temptation is just to great and he cannot resist climbing into it. The ball is last seen soaring like a bird over mid-off, in a lager-fuelled and lobster-tanned member of the Barmy Army singing in the stands. A little surprised, Flower tries to think bat to the last time an England player hit his first ball for six. Again, he can't quite place it.

Worryingly, Wright is missing from the Team England breakfast meeting prior to the third day. Andy Flower is worried he may have been kidnapped by the South African Cricket Association, but he need not have worried. With twenty minutes to go before play, Flower is finalising his press release explaining Wright's absence, but he looks up to see the Sussex all-rounder walking towards the Newlands from the direction of the nearby Castle Brewery factory. There seems to be a hint of blusher to Wright's cheeks, but as he is otherwise ready for play, nobody stops him from continuing his innings.

Wright furiously assaults the South African bowling. There is an unusual moment after twenty minutes: on 38, Wright takes an enormous heave at Morkel, falls over and is bowled. But with a silly grin on his face, he calls for his dismissal to be referred to the third umpire. As one, every member of the Barmy Army in the crowd put their respective heads into their respective hands, appalled at the absurdity of Wright's decision to raise a challenge his dismissal with his off-stump smashed into three pieces. But on the England balcony, Andy Flower sucks on his pencil, with a thoughtful look on his face. And then it is the South Africans turn to despair: the replays show that Morkel has bowled yet another no ball which was not spotted by the onfield umpire, and Wright has earned an unexpected reprieve as a result of the referral to the third umpire. Flower gestures over the England physio and asks for a blood sample to be taken from Wright during the lunch break. When he is finally dismissed by JP Duminy's off spin, he has taken 102 off just 45 balls from the South African bowlers. England are eventually dismissed an hour after lunch, having scored 325. Ian Bell is undefeated on 115.

Anderson takes the new ball for England. With Smith's first innings dismissal in his mind, the Lancashire quickie decides to bowl an in-swinger. Smith is of a like mind though, and plays inside the line of the ball, in an expectation that it will curve in. But at the last minute, the ball is caught by a gust of wind and swerve away in the direction of the slips. The ball slides past Smith's outside edge and catches his off-stump. Anderson tells his team-mates that he planned the "straight-onner" all along. The next over, Hashim Amla is caught on his crease by a ball that jags in from Stuart Broad. Dejectedly, he walks back to the pavilion, out lbw. But Jacques Kallis and Ashwell Prince guide the South Africans to tea without further alarm. After tea, the only further wicket for England falls to Graeme Swann, who embarrasses Prince with one that turns and bounces. At close of play on the third day, South Africa are 145-3 (Kallis 56*, de Villiers 56*).

On the fourth day, Anderson is forced to announce in the team meeting that he will not be able to take the field, due to a sore back - to much sniggering from Graeme Swann. Against that background, Broad opens up with Graham Onions. But it's not the bowlers who break through first: it is fielding wizard Michael Carberry, prowling around the covers as substitute for Anderson, who runs out de Villiers in the fourth over of play. Zoom lenses trained on the South African balcony catch Mickey Arthur angrily muttering something in Afrikaans to Graeme Smith: a lip reader brought in by the Sky Sports team claims that Arthur was moaning that Carberry was brought in by England purely as a specialist substitute fielder. Arthur later denies he said anything of the sort.

Whatever, de Villiers' dismissal is the start of trouble for the South Africans. Duminy falls in the next over to Broad, who has now found a consistent line and length, and Onions sends Boucher on his way with a vicious bouncer the following over. There is limited resistance from Morkel, who clouts 16 from an experimental over from Kevin Pietersen, but Luke Wright is able to break the deadlock a few overs later. He bowls a wide half-volley, which Morkel clatters to Ian Bell at cover. In the closing moments of the South African innings, Jacques Kallis finds himself batting with Dale Steyn. From the balcony, Smith urges Kallis to farm the strike and increase his run-rate. But Kallis refuses to move out of his comfort zone: he consistently passes the strike to Steyn, who manfully tries to keep out some big spinners from Swann, whilst quietly building his total at his own pace. "I'm alright, Jacques", scripts the headline writer for The Cape Town Sun. When Steyn finally succumbs to a slower one from Wright, South Africa are but 64 runs ahead. This is a total which Strauss and Cook knock off with aplomb.

Following the conclusion of the match, Andy Flower calls a press conference, amid great excitement. News of Luke Wright's blood tests has been leaked on Twitter, and the hacks at The Cape Town Sun are excitedly awaiting details of Wright's alcohol levels. In front of flashing bulbs and fluffy microphones, Flower reads out the following statement:

"There has been widespread speculation regarding England all-rounder Luke Wright. Following his bold and inspiring performance during the Third Test Match, the England management decided to carry out blood tests. Luke has co-operated at all times with these tests.

Independent scientists have carried out a detailed study of Luke's blood, and have come to two conclusions. Firstly, the results of the tests show that his DNA is almost identical to a number of former England all-rounders. Secondly, it is clear that he has two hearts. Following receipt of these results, the England management have carried out follow-up interviews with Luke and his immediate family about his emergence as an international all-rounder.

On the basis of these results, we have concluded that Luke is the eleventh regeneration of Sir Ian Botham, taking over from Andrew Flintoff and a number of his predecessors, to do battle throughout the history of time with all that is bad in Test Match cricket. And what better place to start than with Graeme Smith and his team?

On behalf of everyone involved with England cricket, I would wish Luke a long and happy career, particularly as we are given to understand that Sir Ian can only regenerate on a maximum of twelve occasions."